Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Marc878]

I intend to find a time one day before the divorce if a civil conversation comes up about our marriage I am going to get it all off my chest in a calm manner. If that doesn't happen, well it won't happen. I guess part of me wants her to hear it from me that I know what she did to our marriage and family. Can't stand the thought of her thinking she duped me...well I guess she did for the past year or more

.

 

She won't go anywhere near a conversation on this issue. She has to much to hide. Well, she may think it's hidden.

[Lowrider93]

Hey Jeff

I purchased my Lowrider in 93 brand new with 4 miles on it,a year after my first divorce, 50,000 miles and counting, so many great experiences and people and places that you can't capture except behind a set of bars with the wind in your face(no shield for me) that's what I treasure, my meaning of life.

 

During the course of my second marriage wife would always say, why don't you get rid of it, sell it. I think she was jealous. That would have been my only regret. Lol

[Jeff1690]

I love it as well. Been riding a Harley since I was 8 (1977). My first was one of the old Harley 125 cc bikes a 1975. When the wife and I were dating we used to ride up and down the east coast, beaches, blue ridge parkway. Go camping on the beach or off the road on my old 87 Softtail.

 

After the first kid she made me sell it. About 8 years ago I started riding again. Had a beautiful 05 Wide Glide but wrecked it 6 months ago. That is how I tore my ACL and been on medical leave since. I go back Sept. 7. Two months ago the doctor cleared me to ride so I pulled the Lowrider out of the garage. Only has 6,000 miles on it. I have put 3,000 miles on it the past two months.

 

I had intended to keep it as a garage queen since it is only one of 2000. But, with this divorce looming I can't afford another bike. So me and the lowrider are going to get really acquainted over the next few years. I have not been to Sturgis since 88 so I figure that ride will be an awesome way to get the feel of this bike on a really long road trip.

 

Got to make sure I am debt free first though. As soon as I am gonna have the wind in my face and the hammer down. That is one of my goals for my new life. Ride the back roads cross country and see where they lead.

[Marc878]

Did the stbxw show up today?

[Jeff1690]

Didn't show last night. It is 3pm now and she still isn't here. Not that I care it gives me more time to get used to her being with out her. Also no triggers.

[Marc878]

Didn't show last night. It is 3pm now and she still isn't here. Not that I care it gives me more time to get used to her being with out her. Also no triggers.

 

She knows you know and is in avoidance mode. Her secrecy and darkness unveiled.

 

Must be painfull. Bless her heart. Boo Hoo

[Marc878]

Civil and distant should be your order of the day. Her call the other day was to try to pacify and make nice. Funny how they can do that after stabbing you in the back and lie to your face.

[S2B]

Her friendly call the other day was to test the waters - to see if she can still manipulate you. A way of testing to see if things would be "ok" when she came Friday.

 

She's probably afraid to step into any conversation with you unless she can control the way things go and what you say/do... Hence, her reason for not showing up.

 

She's afraid of the truth slapping her in the face. I bet when she does come - she brings a friend along for a buffer.

[Lowrider93]

Hi Jeff , one thing you mentioned in an earlier post struck a chord with me also.

You had said that you wished that someday your stbx would feel the pain she has caused you and the boys. So do I brother, so do I. We don't wish physical harm, more like emotional retribution.

 

I have been split from ex for two months now, she calls me last week and begins to tell me how our family dog clamped down on her ankle and put her in serious pain and crutches for a week. Is that just $hit luck or Karma.

 

My point is the world is round.

 

Love the Blue Ridge Parkway Ashville,NC thru WV

[Jeff1690]

Well I ran to the store in town earlier around 430 and I drove past my wife's friends street. You can see her home from the road I was on. The wife was there.

 

Around 630 I decided to get out of the house because I didn't want to have her come home and just see me sitting in the house. I headed down to the local brewery and passed the time for an hour and a half nursing a beer and talking to a few folks.

 

I left just to go by and see if the wife had headed home. She was still there. so I decided to catch a movie. After the movie was over I stopped by uncles and talked to him for a few. Drove back by at 1115 and she was still there.

 

Walked in the door a few minutes ago and made a protein shake. While I was making it the oldest son came in and told me he had stopped by to see his mom at her friend's. He said I guess she is sleeping there tonight. Said it was just the friend, her daughter and my wife.

 

Not sure if you guys are right about her not wanting to face me or if she just really doesn't want to come home because I am here. Kind of crapped on my plans not to be present when she got home. She is a very curious woman and would most definitely ask where I had been. I had just planned on saying out with friends and leave it at that. That would driver her nuts because for years I have answered every question she has asked. She does not like being kept in the dark. So much for that plan.

 

Also the youngest son said she stopped by his girlfriend's place while he was there. Said he and the girlfriend had been arguing on the phone (gf went to the store). He had the phone on speaker so his mother heard the entire conversation.

 

After he got off the wife said to him you are just like your dad, always wanting to talk about and fix problems. He said he replied a relationship needs communication and when there are problems you should openly discuss them. The wife agreed. He said it was funny because as she started agreeing with him the look on her face suddenly changed like she realized what she was saying. He said he is 100% sure she realized that she was guilty of not doing that and she knows both sons know because they heard us talking and me saying you never even said there was a problem. You never told me a thing.

 

We will see what happens tomorrow.

[Marc878]

Not sure if you guys are right about her not wanting to face me or if she just really doesn't want to come home because I am here. Kind of crapped on my plans not to be present when she got home. She is a very curious woman and would most definitely ask where I had been. I had just planned on saying out with friends and leave it at that. That would driver her nuts because for years I have answered every question she has asked. She does not like being kept in the dark. So much for that plan.

.

 

Make no mistake she doesn't want to face the truth.

 

Do both sons know now?

[Formerfiveo]

I'm a new poster but long time lurker, and I've been following your story, Jeff. All I can say is that I am so impressed with the way you have handled this entire situation. In the end, it's all about doing the right thing, no matter the emotions, and you are a stand up guy. I hope I meet someone of your integrity and caliber one day.

 

My cabin will be near Skyline Drive in Shenandoah, and I'll be riding a bicycle - not motorcycle.

 

Carry on!

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Jeff! Certainly you are growing by leaps and bounds. It is natural to want the cheating spouse to "get it" regarding recognizing and acknowledging the mess she has placed her family in.

 

However focusing on what see is doing and trying to "get her" will only continue to keep you bound to the relationship...even if you do not have the same love for her.

 

Also she is not the same person anymore living in her dream world....which was exampled by how your son had to explain the importance of proper communication in a relationship. Because she is a full-time lair to maintain her fantasy world of course she rejects the notion of addressing/solving problems....because the problems allow her fantasy to exist.

 

Congratulations and continued success.

[Jersey born raised]

Jeff

 

This friend, is she the one who's husband is OM? If so y might want to apologize at a later date for not saying something sooner. At this point s there a reason should not expose OM? Finally do you sons know the identity of OM? I know your youngest knows about the adultery, does your oldest?

 

Also I was under the impression your sons lived at the family home. Is that still true.

[Jeff1690]

Well here is the update. Wife came home around 930 this morning. We didn't say much. She went outside to wash her jeep. I left to drop off some paper work at work.

 

When I returned she said her lawyer said my lawyer was delaying things. My lawyer has had absolutely 0 contact with the wife's. He has sent 3 emails requesting documentation that the lawyer may have. I showed my wife the emails. She states that I must want something changed. I really don't. I have not told her all I want is to see if she forged my name on the questionnaire and application. She knows I am not telling her something, but she is assuming it is that I want things changed.

 

Anyway, she gave an opening about our relationship and I asked her again why she left me hanging in limbo for over a year with no communication, sex, intimacy. I asked her about the OM and the thousands of minutes in phone conversations.

 

Her only reply was to start packing her Jeep back up and tell me there is nothing to talk about. She says she didn't do anything to hurt me. That we have already had this discussion and there is nothing to talk about. She got in her Jeep and I asked her what I had deserved for her to hurt me like that. She just said I didn't intentionally do anything and that she was going to her mother's house. Then she said this is why I don't come home. All you want to do is ask the same damn questions.

 

I am really at a loss here. Judging by the frustration on her face and a bit of anger it seems like she really believes she has done nothing wrong. As if her talking to another man (still no evidence on PA) for 6000 minutes in four months and 11000 minutes for the year on the phone is nothing. As if her cutting me off from love, intimacy, sex for a year was nothing. Even after telling her what an emotional roller coaster she put me on.

 

I have decided I am done looking for answers for now. I will call her in a couple of days and advise her that I am done with it. That I will never bring it up again and we will only discuss the divorce, finances, and the kids. Which is basically what he have done anyway. Except for when she has brought up the relationship and I have attempted to get answers.

 

I almost feel as if I have handled this all wrong. Part of me could care less that she left. The other part of me wanted her to stay so I could ignore her lol. Yeah I now weird and hard to explain. I think part of it may be the part of my brain used to having her home. Having her presence here even though the presence of the woman I want here no longer exists.

 

Well as I was typing this the wife called. She wanted to know why I kept asking the same questions. I explained to her again what she did to me. What I got mostly was long silence. When I told her she walked away from a great marriage that we had built with out even trying to solve any problems I got a long silence. It sounded like she might have been crying when I asked if she was there and she answered yes, not sure. Then the phone went dead.

 

She called back a few minutes later and said she lost signal. Her voice was completely different like she had regained her composure. She said that she and OM were just good friends. Also said we just grew apart because we never did anything together. I then mentioned how much she sits on the computer doing work while off and how many times she said she was too busy to do anything and I just gave up. I then asked her how come she never asked to do anything, how come she never asked me to come down to the apartment anymore. I got nothing.

 

I told her if she wanted to come home without being bothered after she got done with her mother I would not ask anymore questions. I think that if she did have a PA with OM not just an EA it has been over for awhile. Not sure why I think that just the way she said some things. I of course have not put the entire conversation on here it would take up too much space lol.

 

I can tell though she has totally detached from our marriage. I realized that before but now it has just hit home. She made the comment that at some point she just felt like we didn't need her anymore. I guess this has to do with us never doing anything anymore. Still doesn't give an answer as to why she never tried or reached out.

 

I know I wasn't perfect but I was good to her. Also I guess I should have tried harder to push her to do things. But, after being told she was busy every time there comes a point were you just don't bother.

 

She really didn't have any answers for anything. Just a boat load of I don't knows. Which in itself is frustrating as hell to think she didn't even bother to actually think about our relationship and just watched it whither away until she decided she was done and ready to move on.

 

It is also strange that she would call me after she left. She seemed angry, frustrated and almost as if she was trying to run away. Did she call just to hear me tell her how cruel the last year has been to me. Almost like she wanted to be told how bad she had been. Or did she think she was going to call and tell me everything but decided to stay mute and let me tell her how bad it has been. Almost like she need to be told that so she can tell herself she doesn't deserve to be married anymore. Does that make sense? Not sure if I am putting it into the right context. I am probably thinking to deep on the issue. But I am just trying to get my thoughts together and put them down. Maybe it will help some other betrayed spouse who reads this in the future.

 

Well that is it for now. Maybe I will have some more thoughts later. Any input is appreciated. I notice on this website a lot of folks lurk but do not contribute. If you are lurking, contribute it helps us all.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff

 

I think what you're working through requires a lot of analysis and re- analysis. I presonally think your wife likely got caught up in an PA and also the single life. She doesn't know how or if she wants to find her way back. I am sounding too sympathetic and I am not suggesting that she deserves that sympathy only that is what it sounds like in the descriptions you have shared.

 

I would urge you to share the data usage you found with your oldest, not to bury her but to be open and honest with him.

 

He'll resent you if you don't.

[Marc878]

Anyway, she gave an opening about our relationship and I asked her again why she left me hanging in limbo for over a year with no communication, sex, intimacy. I asked her about the OM and the thousands of minutes in phone conversations.

 

Her only reply was to start packing her Jeep back up and tell me there is nothing to talk about. She says she didn't do anything to hurt me. That we have already had this discussion and there is nothing to talk about. She got in her Jeep and I asked her what I had deserved for her to hurt me like that. She just said I didn't intentionally do anything and that she was going to her mother's house. Then she said this is why I don't come home. All you want to do is ask the same damn questions.

 

I am really at a loss here. Judging by the frustration on her face and a bit of anger it seems like she really believes she has done nothing wrong. As if her talking to another man (still no evidence on PA) for 6000 minutes in four months and 11000 minutes for the year on the phone is nothing. As if her cutting me off from love, intimacy, sex for a year was nothing. Even after telling her what an emotional roller coaster she put me on.

 

I almost feel as if I have handled this all wrong. Part of me could care less that she left. The other part of me wanted her to stay so I could ignore her lol. Yeah I now weird and hard to explain. I think part of it may be the part of my brain used to having her home. Having her presence here even though the presence of the woman I want here no longer exists.

 

Well as I was typing this the wife called. She wanted to know why I kept asking the same questions. I explained to her again what she did to me. What I got mostly was long silence. When I told her she walked away from a great marriage that we had built with out even trying to solve any problems I got a long silence. It sounded like she might have been crying when I asked if she was there and she answered yes, not sure. Then the phone went dead.

 

She called back a few minutes later and said she lost signal. Her voice was completely different like she had regained her composure. She said that she and OM were just good friends.

 

I told her if she wanted to come home without being bothered after she got done with her mother I would not ask anymore questions. I think that if she did have a PA with OM not just an EA it has been over for awhile.

 

She really didn't have any answers for anything. Just a boat load of I don't knows. Which in itself is frustrating as hell to think she didn't even bother to actually think about our relationship and just watched it whither away until she decided she was done and ready to move on.

 

It is also strange that she would call me after she left. She seemed angry, frustrated and almost as if she was trying to run away. Did she call just to hear me tell her how cruel the last year has been to me. Almost like she wanted to be told how bad she had been. Or did she think she was going to call and tell me everything but decided to stay mute and let me tell her how bad it has been. Almost like she need to be told that so she can tell herself she doesn't deserve to be married anymore. Does that make sense? Not sure if I am putting it into the right context. I am probably thinking to deep on the issue. But I am just trying to get my thoughts together and put them down. Maybe it will help some other betrayed spouse who reads this in the future.

 

You like many you are in denial of what's happened. Why? Because you don't want to believe the unbelievable.

 

Everything is cheaterspeak. Very typical in these situations. Lie, hide and deny. It's their mantra.

 

We're just friends? It's the biggest lie told always. No friends have that much communication or take trips together alone do they? She's not stupid she's knows what she's done. Everything else is to help justify her actions. I suspect she called back to verify you'd swallowed the story.

 

At this time you probably won't get the truth because you don't mean enough to her anymore. It was a party between her and OM. You weren't invited.

 

It sounds like you are in rugsweeping mode and just want it to go away. Sorry man but the truth would go a long way to helping you move on. You were/are her husband you deserved better than this. Let her off the hook if you want but long term I don't think that will help you.

 

Read "No a More Mr Nice Guy" free download. It's helped many in this situation maybe it will you too.

 

Good luck

Edited August 21, 2016 by Marc878

[BluesPower]

I realize how hard this is for you, especially when you guys are face to face.

 

It may be a good idea to wait to finally expose her to everyone, I don't know.

 

But don't doubt yourself, she has been having a PA with this guy for a long time. There is no other way for it to have gone.

 

Her screwing this guy and really who knows who else, it a forgone conclusion.

 

Don't let her whining and tears on the phone fool you. She may be starting to realize what she has done, maybe. But for the most part, she is in denial and in her mind admitting that she is a cheating unfaithful wife is some type of issue. She knows that you know and she still decides to lie to you about it.

 

Just hand tough with everything.

[Marc878]

IMO tell your other son. He deserves to know. Never hide the truth from your kids. They are part of this and didn't deserve it anymore than you did.

[Marc878]

If I were you I'd read up and understand the 180. If you could follow it it'll go a long way to help you move on but at this time I don't think you can let go of it that easily.

 

You seem be stuck in the past of who she was and just can't believe what's happening. This is normal you have 20 some years that reinforce the past but her actions have told you who/what she has become. Believe her actions. Her words at this time mean nothing.

 

She is frustrated that she can't manipulate and lie like she has been and keep you in the dark. That's why she leaves. She's not used to being called to task.

 

Why would you now back off and play nice??? Give her an out?

 

Always deal from strength. IMO "you had an affair with OM and ended the marriage". Let her prove otherwise. The facts and red flags are there.

 

Liars never like being pinned down. Hence, her actions.

[Marc878]

Telling her "I won't bring it up again" is saying I accept what you've done and lm OK with it. Is that who you are?

 

You'd be better off to not speak on anything except business and keep that short.

[kgcolonel]

Telling her "I won't bring it up again" is saying I accept what you've done and lm OK with it. Is that who you are?

 

You'd be better off to not speak on anything except business and keep that short.

 

Jeff

 

 

Marc is right. The only thing I'd tell her is that we're defined by our actions not our words. She how she responds to that.

[Marc878]

You have a chance for some closure it sounds like to me which most never get.

 

Backing off at this time will get you nothing. It all depends on you. What do you want?

 

IMO I'd say when she asked what do you keep asking I'd say "I'm not a fool I know what's happened if you had any decency you at least give me the truth".

 

You're afraid of pushing her away or making her mad it seems. She's already gone and had no issue treating you like crap did she?

[Jeff1690]

Well I am not rug sweeping. I don't really think I am letting her off the hook either. I am just tired of trying to get the answers. I told her I wasn't going to ask any more questions because I just about feel done with it. It obviously isn't going to change the outcome. This marriage is over.

 

Yes I believe I am close to closure, but the wife is the type of person once pushed to far she totally shuts down communication. I believe at some point there may be the opportunity for closure.

 

Do I believe a PA affair occurred? Yes I do. As far as a the beach trip is concerned I still don't know who she went with. I am sure it was OM, but that is my gut telling me. Which one should just about always go with your gut instincts.

 

I have told the other son. He just shook his head and walked away. Not sure what is going to happen when they both hit her with it. I just gave him the facts about the phone records because that is all I really have. All the spending can easily be explained away by her, the phone records can not.

[Marc878]

Very few ever get the actual proof of a PA. Anyone seeing what you've found knows it is. It's hard to accept. Plus the hiding of who he was as BF's brother when he wasn't.