Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[tinkerbell16]

Marc878 sent this to me in a PM. Really helpful so I thought I would share.

 

12 Things I Learned in the First 12 Weeks of the Affair

Wayfarer 6 February, 2014

1. Tears Don’t Move Active Cheaters

Tears Don't Move Active CheatersWe can’t understand how our upset and devastation can be so cruelly and cavalierly dismissed or ignored, and yet it happens time and time again. We sob and wail and gnash teeth. We guilt and accuse and reproach. And yet, it’s as if they’ve been coated with some sort of emotional Teflon! All our grief and distress slides off them like a fried egg in a non-stick pan. It doesn’t even stick if we break apart.

 

An active cheater will do anything they can to separate themselves from any form of histrionics. They might tell themselves that it’s just manipulative melodrama, designed to make them feel badly about what they’re doing. They might even enjoy warm and fuzzy feelings that they’re so desirable that they have you swooning and fighting over them. They are most probably sharing your anguish as a source of great amusement and delighted ridicule between them and their affair partner.

 

If you don’t find yourself crying through this at some point, something’s wrong. Tears are your physical expression of your emotional state, and even if they don’t make you feel better, there is some relief to releasing the emotional floodgates.

 

“It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.”

~ Ovid

If you do cry, don’t make a performance out of it for your cheater. Take yourself somewhere quiet and cry, scream, and vent it out, just for yourself.

 

2. Your Commitment Doesn’t Trump Their Entitlement

Part of remaining stuck in the worst of it is your refusal to accept your new reality. It’s incredibly difficult to understand why they don’t reciprocate when you’re committed and faithful. The Why? question becomes such a huge obstacle that you just can’t see beyond.

 

“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.”

~ Elizabeth Edwards

A cheater who continues an affair after it has been exposed or discovered, feels entitled to do so. They might believe that they are in love with their affair partner, or they might believe that you would never leave them. They could also feel that they deserve their affair as some karmic balance for some hurt or misfortune in their life.

 

No matter their reason, your continued investment and love won’t effect change in them. They have committed to a course of action, they’ve already decided that their affair is more important to them than the loss of you and their marriage. They may even enjoy having you at home, cooking, cleaning, washing their socks, and looking after the bills and the kids – in fact, you might be giving them all the at-home support that they need to be able to continue their affair.

 

3. There Can be Real Kindness in Strangers

Don’t underestimate the depth of compassion and support you find in infidelity support forums, and other support groups. Don’t underestimate how willing perfect strangers can be to offer you real and practical support and assistance.

 

The Kindness of Strangers

 

I tend not to personalize the posts to this site, but I am going to take this opportunity to thank the strangers who reached out to me with offers of financial help, care packages, and going out of their way to whisk me away from the madness for a few hours, and even buy me dinner. My gratitude to these people is immense – their kindness and support humbles me to this day. Not all the people who did let me lean on them will ever read this post, but the sentiment is out there in the cosmos, and this site exists partly in their honor.

 

4. Compassion Comes in Many Forms, and it Doesn’t Always Agree With You

Have you found yourself being irritated, angry, or upset with someone in an infidelity support forum, who has posted something that made you uncomfortable or annoyed you? There are a lot of good people on forums like these, whose perspective and experience gives them a different insight into your situation. Many people can see an alternative reality to the one that you see. Other people can view holes in your rationale, inconsistencies with your thinking, and when your choices seem unhealthy. That someone cares enough to take the time and make the effort to respond to you is their gift to you.

 

It’s easy to only see compassion in those whose views, beliefs, and style mirror your own, but people in support forums are there because they want to help others through a difficult situation. In my first 12 weeks, I found that no matter how different the views were to mine, people were there to listen, respond, and listen some more. People give up their free time in support forums willingly, and without an expectation of any reciprocation or compensation. Those people were a lifeline for me then – our differences did not lessen their concern and compassion, nor my gratitude for it.

 

6. Looking Through Your Wedding Photographs as a Terrible Idea

Enough said really. It’s easy to make the mistake of thinking that you know better, that it won’t affect you negatively. It will – there may not be an immediate fallout, but the tears and the upset will come. Yes, I speak from specific experience!

 

Try to put these types of photographs and memorabilia out of the way while your cheater is still in their affair. Keep them safely (don’t burn them in a fit of pique) until you’re emotionally ready to make a decision about keeping them or otherwise.

 

7. Laugh Often and Loudly

Chat IconsmallTransI know, it can feel like you will never laugh again, but you will, I promise you. Try to have some fun away from the affair drama – if you want someone to lift your spirits who understands what you’re going through, you are always welcome in the IHG Chat Room. Just pop in and say that you need some distraction from the gravity and angst of it all. Call a friend, go out for coffee, go to a movie … anything that will redirect you and let you laugh a little. It’s worth it.

 

8. There’s Always Someone Trying to Impose Their Agenda on You

Society, religious counselors, marriage counselors, pro-marriage forums, pro-divorce forums, sex addiction proponents, family, friends … Everyone has an agenda.

 

Some view your marriage remaining intact as the primary goal post-infidelity. Others may have a personal stake in your relationship and perhaps a personal axe to grind with your cheater. People give advice based in their own version of an ideal outcome for you – and that outcome might not be in your sole or best interests.

 

This site is no different. We do have an agenda, and it’s scrawled in bold type on nearly every page of the website. Our agenda is that you emerge from the affair with clear thinking, empowered to move forward in your life towards your own goals, your self-esteem intact, your own welfare secured, and you fully aware of the implications and authentic reasons behind your own decisions.

 

We won’t judge you negatively for deciding to stay for financial reasons, or leaving because you can get a really fantastic divorce settlement – in fact, we give you props for not shrouding it in inauthentic – though perhaps more ‘socially acceptable’ – excuses.

 

9. Affairs Highlight Patterns

Once you’ve had a few months of standing back and observing and questioning your active cheater’s behaviors, you will start to see patterns emerge.

 

The faithful spouse generally will claim that their cheater’s affair is completely out of character, and it can certainly feel that way. But if you start to peel back the layers, you can start to identify patterns in their behavior that are echoed in their affair mind-set. After a while it becomes obvious that the affair is just an extension of already-present attitudes and world view, it’s just that you had no cause to really examine it before. Maybe you can identify your cheater’s traits in these?:

 

I am always hard done by and downtrodden, treated badly by everyone, even though I’ve done nothing to deserve it.

I want the kind of good life I see in others and in the media so will take it where I can in that new TV, or designer suit, or big house. I deserve/am owed this minimum happiness.

My dysfunctional childhood has affected me and that’s why I can behave badly, but if you love me, you’ll understand me and make allowances.

I have an issue with impulse control and that’s why we’re deeply in debt.

I’ve always flirted and like to be the center of attention – it’s harmless.

I am edgy and deep and have a greater understanding of the meaning of life than others.

I am not constrained by conventional societal rules and structures, and I am amused and superior to those who buy into such artificial constructs.

My world view is one that I shall never change, and I will not be swayed into changing my attitudes, approach, views, or opinions.

10. You are Not the Person They Married

We all change over time, and we often change as a result of our changing circumstances. Being single, living by your own say so, under your own financial steam, and loving your independence while having fun in your relationship might be where you started.

 

2.4 kids, a dog, and a mortgage later, laundry bins overflowing, bills piling up on your desk, the car dying, a job you hate but pays well enough to support the family … life has taken its toll. You probably stopped hobbies you loved, lost touch with people you loved and had fun with, you might not be able to afford to keep going to kick boxing and cooking cruises … all these things change you.

 

Use this time to start to relearn how to be you. Discard the parts of you that you collected along the way that you don’t like so much, and focus on the parts of you that you love. Do things that bring out your verve for life, your fun side, your aspirations and flights of fancy. Don’t let their affair turn you into a shriveled, angry, codependent shadow of yourself.

 

11. Let Go

Let GoI am not suggesting you give up if you harbor dreams of a future with your active cheater, but I am saying that you have to look at this eyes wide open. They’ve chosen. They’ve chosen their affair over your relationship, and I know how it hurts to read that. A good friend of mine told me, “You lost, accept it and move on.” Ouch. But he was 100% on point.

 

Clinging on to an active cheater will likely cause them to ricochet further into their affair, and further away from you. Let go. Start to focus on your own life – don’t hold onto theirs by stalking them (or the affair partner) on Facebook. Stop trying to stay involved in your cheater’s life and relationship by checking their phone, reading their emails, trying to engage them in meaningful discussions about your marriage. Don’t weaponize your kids against them. Let go.

 

A cheater may return, they may not. The question isn’t what they’re doing – the question is about YOU and YOUR life, and how you want to live.

 

Let go – start living in singledom – figure out how to fix the faucet, go where you want when you want, start living a life – plug back into who you are. Leave them to it. If they come back, it shouldn’t be automatic that you accept them – by then, you might prefer life without them, to life with them.

 

12. Affair Fog? It’s You Who’s in it!

Your emotions are a bad influence on you right now. I know, you feel how you feel and you can’t switch that off very easily, even if you wanted to. However, if you removed the emotions that are clouding this whole situation and really looked at your cheater, who they are, how they behaved when the chips were down, how they responded to your anguish, it’s probably an ugly picture.

 

Two questions I often pose in the Chat Room here, are these:

 

1. If you met this person (your active cheater) for the first time, and saw all of this in them, would you even date them, let alone commit your whole future to them?

 

I haven’t yet had a single person answer that affirmatively with any seriousness.

 

2. If you were a multi billionaire, would you be making the choices that you are currently making?

 

Again, I have yet to hear anyone answer that they would make identical choices.

 

Our responses to this mess are influenced by our emotional state, our circumstances, and our personal values. The problem with our emotional state affecting our responses is that our feelings change, they’re mutable. Positive or negative feelings can wax and wane, and as such, they’re a really poor foundation upon which to base your decisions.

 

The reality that you face of financial insecurity, dependence, your home, your children, your future, is real. Try to put aside your emotional clouding and make choices that improve on each of those situations, preparing for the eventuality that you could well be facing life without your cheater. Think of how you feel today as an illusion that will change with time … because your feelings will eventually change towards an active cheater flaunting their affair.

 

Your Future

You can’t predict your future, but you can make robust and sensible plans that will assure your security, well-being, and independence. You know your circumstances today, and you know if they provide you with independent means, an ability to provide yourself a home and support yourself without reliance on anyone else. If that is NOT where your life is, that is where to start heading. Your life and happiness is not contingent on your active cheater and THEIR choices.

 

Get your life on track and viable in its own right, and then, if your cheater comes to you, cap in hand, you will have a new kickass attitude, a new focus, and a new sense of self-worth that says, “You know what? If you think you’re a good potential mate for my future, prove it.” And who knows, by then you might be dating someone else, who has never cheated on anyone, and you might find you prefer it.

 

When your world implodes you have to adapt to survive and thrive. You have to seize the opportunity to become who you want to be, who you are proud to be, even if your newly shaped peg doesn’t fit into the mold of your old hole.

 

So perfectly stated this is is exactly where I am at. Dating a good man and nothing my ex can say or do would make me want him back AND here is the kicker, I would feel the same if I was single.

 

They burn a piece of your heart so badly it is damn near impossible to recover from.

[kgcolonel]

Marc878 sent this to me in a PM. Really helpful so I thought I would share.

 

12 Things I Learned in the First 12 Weeks of the Affair

Wayfarer 6 February, 2014

1. Tears Don’t Move Active Cheaters

Tears Don't Move Active CheatersWe can’t understand how our upset and devastation can be so cruelly and cavalierly dismissed or ignored, and yet it happens time and time again. We sob and wail and gnash teeth. We guilt and accuse and reproach. And yet, it’s as if they’ve been coated with some sort of emotional Teflon! All our grief and distress slides off them like a fried egg in a non-stick pan. It doesn’t even stick if we break apart.

 

An active cheater will do anything they can to separate themselves from any form of histrionics. They might tell themselves that it’s just manipulative melodrama, designed to make them feel badly about what they’re doing. They might even enjoy warm and fuzzy feelings that they’re so desirable that they have you swooning and fighting over them. They are most probably sharing your anguish as a source of great amusement and delighted ridicule between them and their affair partner.

 

If you don’t find yourself crying through this at some point, something’s wrong. Tears are your physical expression of your emotional state, and even if they don’t make you feel better, there is some relief to releasing the emotional floodgates.

 

“It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.”

~ Ovid

If you do cry, don’t make a performance out of it for your cheater. Take yourself somewhere quiet and cry, scream, and vent it out, just for yourself.

 

2. Your Commitment Doesn’t Trump Their Entitlement

Part of remaining stuck in the worst of it is your refusal to accept your new reality. It’s incredibly difficult to understand why they don’t reciprocate when you’re committed and faithful. The Why? question becomes such a huge obstacle that you just can’t see beyond.

 

“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.”

~ Elizabeth Edwards

A cheater who continues an affair after it has been exposed or discovered, feels entitled to do so. They might believe that they are in love with their affair partner, or they might believe that you would never leave them. They could also feel that they deserve their affair as some karmic balance for some hurt or misfortune in their life.

 

No matter their reason, your continued investment and love won’t effect change in them. They have committed to a course of action, they’ve already decided that their affair is more important to them than the loss of you and their marriage. They may even enjoy having you at home, cooking, cleaning, washing their socks, and looking after the bills and the kids – in fact, you might be giving them all the at-home support that they need to be able to continue their affair.

 

3. There Can be Real Kindness in Strangers

Don’t underestimate the depth of compassion and support you find in infidelity support forums, and other support groups. Don’t underestimate how willing perfect strangers can be to offer you real and practical support and assistance.

 

The Kindness of Strangers

 

I tend not to personalize the posts to this site, but I am going to take this opportunity to thank the strangers who reached out to me with offers of financial help, care packages, and going out of their way to whisk me away from the madness for a few hours, and even buy me dinner. My gratitude to these people is immense – their kindness and support humbles me to this day. Not all the people who did let me lean on them will ever read this post, but the sentiment is out there in the cosmos, and this site exists partly in their honor.

 

4. Compassion Comes in Many Forms, and it Doesn’t Always Agree With You

Have you found yourself being irritated, angry, or upset with someone in an infidelity support forum, who has posted something that made you uncomfortable or annoyed you? There are a lot of good people on forums like these, whose perspective and experience gives them a different insight into your situation. Many people can see an alternative reality to the one that you see. Other people can view holes in your rationale, inconsistencies with your thinking, and when your choices seem unhealthy. That someone cares enough to take the time and make the effort to respond to you is their gift to you.

 

It’s easy to only see compassion in those whose views, beliefs, and style mirror your own, but people in support forums are there because they want to help others through a difficult situation. In my first 12 weeks, I found that no matter how different the views were to mine, people were there to listen, respond, and listen some more. People give up their free time in support forums willingly, and without an expectation of any reciprocation or compensation. Those people were a lifeline for me then – our differences did not lessen their concern and compassion, nor my gratitude for it.

 

6. Looking Through Your Wedding Photographs as a Terrible Idea

Enough said really. It’s easy to make the mistake of thinking that you know better, that it won’t affect you negatively. It will – there may not be an immediate fallout, but the tears and the upset will come. Yes, I speak from specific experience!

 

Try to put these types of photographs and memorabilia out of the way while your cheater is still in their affair. Keep them safely (don’t burn them in a fit of pique) until you’re emotionally ready to make a decision about keeping them or otherwise.

 

7. Laugh Often and Loudly

Chat IconsmallTransI know, it can feel like you will never laugh again, but you will, I promise you. Try to have some fun away from the affair drama – if you want someone to lift your spirits who understands what you’re going through, you are always welcome in the IHG Chat Room. Just pop in and say that you need some distraction from the gravity and angst of it all. Call a friend, go out for coffee, go to a movie … anything that will redirect you and let you laugh a little. It’s worth it.

 

8. There’s Always Someone Trying to Impose Their Agenda on You

Society, religious counselors, marriage counselors, pro-marriage forums, pro-divorce forums, sex addiction proponents, family, friends … Everyone has an agenda.

 

Some view your marriage remaining intact as the primary goal post-infidelity. Others may have a personal stake in your relationship and perhaps a personal axe to grind with your cheater. People give advice based in their own version of an ideal outcome for you – and that outcome might not be in your sole or best interests.

 

This site is no different. We do have an agenda, and it’s scrawled in bold type on nearly every page of the website. Our agenda is that you emerge from the affair with clear thinking, empowered to move forward in your life towards your own goals, your self-esteem intact, your own welfare secured, and you fully aware of the implications and authentic reasons behind your own decisions.

 

We won’t judge you negatively for deciding to stay for financial reasons, or leaving because you can get a really fantastic divorce settlement – in fact, we give you props for not shrouding it in inauthentic – though perhaps more ‘socially acceptable’ – excuses.

 

9. Affairs Highlight Patterns

Once you’ve had a few months of standing back and observing and questioning your active cheater’s behaviors, you will start to see patterns emerge.

 

The faithful spouse generally will claim that their cheater’s affair is completely out of character, and it can certainly feel that way. But if you start to peel back the layers, you can start to identify patterns in their behavior that are echoed in their affair mind-set. After a while it becomes obvious that the affair is just an extension of already-present attitudes and world view, it’s just that you had no cause to really examine it before. Maybe you can identify your cheater’s traits in these?:

 

I am always hard done by and downtrodden, treated badly by everyone, even though I’ve done nothing to deserve it.

I want the kind of good life I see in others and in the media so will take it where I can in that new TV, or designer suit, or big house. I deserve/am owed this minimum happiness.

My dysfunctional childhood has affected me and that’s why I can behave badly, but if you love me, you’ll understand me and make allowances.

I have an issue with impulse control and that’s why we’re deeply in debt.

I’ve always flirted and like to be the center of attention – it’s harmless.

I am edgy and deep and have a greater understanding of the meaning of life than others.

I am not constrained by conventional societal rules and structures, and I am amused and superior to those who buy into such artificial constructs.

My world view is one that I shall never change, and I will not be swayed into changing my attitudes, approach, views, or opinions.

10. You are Not the Person They Married

We all change over time, and we often change as a result of our changing circumstances. Being single, living by your own say so, under your own financial steam, and loving your independence while having fun in your relationship might be where you started.

 

2.4 kids, a dog, and a mortgage later, laundry bins overflowing, bills piling up on your desk, the car dying, a job you hate but pays well enough to support the family … life has taken its toll. You probably stopped hobbies you loved, lost touch with people you loved and had fun with, you might not be able to afford to keep going to kick boxing and cooking cruises … all these things change you.

 

Use this time to start to relearn how to be you. Discard the parts of you that you collected along the way that you don’t like so much, and focus on the parts of you that you love. Do things that bring out your verve for life, your fun side, your aspirations and flights of fancy. Don’t let their affair turn you into a shriveled, angry, codependent shadow of yourself.

 

11. Let Go

Let GoI am not suggesting you give up if you harbor dreams of a future with your active cheater, but I am saying that you have to look at this eyes wide open. They’ve chosen. They’ve chosen their affair over your relationship, and I know how it hurts to read that. A good friend of mine told me, “You lost, accept it and move on.” Ouch. But he was 100% on point.

 

Clinging on to an active cheater will likely cause them to ricochet further into their affair, and further away from you. Let go. Start to focus on your own life – don’t hold onto theirs by stalking them (or the affair partner) on Facebook. Stop trying to stay involved in your cheater’s life and relationship by checking their phone, reading their emails, trying to engage them in meaningful discussions about your marriage. Don’t weaponize your kids against them. Let go.

 

A cheater may return, they may not. The question isn’t what they’re doing – the question is about YOU and YOUR life, and how you want to live.

 

Let go – start living in singledom – figure out how to fix the faucet, go where you want when you want, start living a life – plug back into who you are. Leave them to it. If they come back, it shouldn’t be automatic that you accept them – by then, you might prefer life without them, to life with them.

 

12. Affair Fog? It’s You Who’s in it!

Your emotions are a bad influence on you right now. I know, you feel how you feel and you can’t switch that off very easily, even if you wanted to. However, if you removed the emotions that are clouding this whole situation and really looked at your cheater, who they are, how they behaved when the chips were down, how they responded to your anguish, it’s probably an ugly picture.

 

Two questions I often pose in the Chat Room here, are these:

 

1. If you met this person (your active cheater) for the first time, and saw all of this in them, would you even date them, let alone commit your whole future to them?

 

I haven’t yet had a single person answer that affirmatively with any seriousness.

 

2. If you were a multi billionaire, would you be making the choices that you are currently making?

 

Again, I have yet to hear anyone answer that they would make identical choices.

 

Our responses to this mess are influenced by our emotional state, our circumstances, and our personal values. The problem with our emotional state affecting our responses is that our feelings change, they’re mutable. Positive or negative feelings can wax and wane, and as such, they’re a really poor foundation upon which to base your decisions.

 

The reality that you face of financial insecurity, dependence, your home, your children, your future, is real. Try to put aside your emotional clouding and make choices that improve on each of those situations, preparing for the eventuality that you could well be facing life without your cheater. Think of how you feel today as an illusion that will change with time … because your feelings will eventually change towards an active cheater flaunting their affair.

 

Your Future

You can’t predict your future, but you can make robust and sensible plans that will assure your security, well-being, and independence. You know your circumstances today, and you know if they provide you with independent means, an ability to provide yourself a home and support yourself without reliance on anyone else. If that is NOT where your life is, that is where to start heading. Your life and happiness is not contingent on your active cheater and THEIR choices.

 

Get your life on track and viable in its own right, and then, if your cheater comes to you, cap in hand, you will have a new kickass attitude, a new focus, and a new sense of self-worth that says, “You know what? If you think you’re a good potential mate for my future, prove it.” And who knows, by then you might be dating someone else, who has never cheated on anyone, and you might find you prefer it.

 

When your world implodes you have to adapt to survive and thrive. You have to seize the opportunity to become who you want to be, who you are proud to be, even if your newly shaped peg doesn’t fit into the mold of your old hole.

 

 

 

This post should be bronzed and framed!!!!

[Jeff1690]

Yes it should Tink and Marc have been beating me with stuff like this through PM's. Guess I should pay more attention. But, I always was a glutton for punishment lol

[DKT3]

#9 is so very true. I recall a very wise woman (my grandmother) telling me that the act of cheating or affair isn't an isolated incident, once you get some distance and look back the possibility of it happening seem so obvious.

 

It's seems to hold true more often then not.

[Marc878]

Yes it should Tink and Marc have been beating me with stuff like this through PM's. Guess I should pay more attention. But, I always was a glutton for punishment lol

 

2X4's don't work. Switching to 4x4's.

[Marc878]

#9 is so very true. I recall a very wise woman (my grandmother) telling me that the act of cheating or affair isn't an isolated incident, once you get some distance and look back the possibility of it happening seem so obvious.

 

It's seems to hold true more often then not.

 

Exactly. Love IS blind

[Jeff1690]

Marc hitting me with a 4x4 again. Once again good stuff.

 

It’s tempting to stay in touch with an ex that you still love. But here are 12 reasons why you need to remember the no contact rule and follow it.

 

Friendship can turn into love.

 

But can love ever turn into friendship?

 

Someone once said it can.

 

And it’s true. But all you need to do is avoid that ex lover of yours for a few years!

 

[Read: Things to know before becoming friends with your ex]

 

A break up always leaves us in a confused state of mind.

 

On one hand, we’re hurting because we’ve lost a big piece of our heart to someone else.

 

And on the other hand, we still want to stay in touch with the same person that broke our heart and walked all over it!

 

No wonder it’s been said that love is sweet misery.

 

We want something so bad even though we know all it’ll do is hurt us more.

 

It’s understandable that you want to stay in touch with your ex.

 

But sometimes, avoiding all contact with an ex is possibly the best thing to do, even if staying in touch feels like a wonderful consolation prize to win after a breakup.

 

[Read: I miss him but I don’t think he misses me]

 

What is the no contact rule?

 

The no contact rule is a great rule that’s been passed on through the ages, or so I believe.

 

It’s a rule where exes stay as exes and never become friends.

 

Both exes who were once completely in love with each other now avoid each other purposefully and greet each other with awkward smiles like distant acquaintances when they invariably bump into each other.

 

It sounds harsh, but well, that’s what the no contact rule is all about.

 

Why is the no contact rule a wise choice?

 

There are two kinds of endings to every relationship, a happy ending and a sad one.

 

If both of you decide to part ways because there’s no real love in the romance anymore, it’s a happy ending *wow, the irony of it all!*.

 

If you’re still in love with your lover, and yet, your lover arm twists you into a breakup because they don’t care about you anymore or are dating someone else, then that’s a sad ending for you and probably a happy ending for your soon-to-be-ex.

 

If your breakup ends with a happy ending for you, then the no contact rule will be meaningless to you, because you’re probably in another relationship or enjoying the single life anyway. [Read: 16 signs your ex still loves you and wants you back]

 

But if you’re the one left nursing a broken heart in your lonely room while your current ex flits and jumps from one happy facebook picture to the next, then the no contact rule definitely applies to you.

 

How to follow the no contact rule

 

Know this, the person who cares enough to desperately try and stay as friends with their ex wants to stay friends only because they’re still in love with their ex. [Read: Are you still in love with your ex?]

 

If you’re having a hard time moving on from the break up, you need to realize that the only reason you’re still hurt and miserable is because you want your ex back in your arms. Even if you don’t want to date your ex again, the fact that you’re hurting means you feel empty in your heart and want more love in your life.

 

The more you’re in touch with your ex, the more you’d realize just how empty your heart is with no love in it.

 

The best way to disconnect emotionally and heal the hole in your heart is by avoiding your ex completely. It’ll help you move on without having to constantly remember just how lonely you are each time you see your ex flirting with someone else.

 

Resist the temptation to stay in touch or call your ex just to say hello. Don’t spend your idle hours searching online frantically for any new pictures or any news of their new relationship status. And for crying out loud, avoid looking for ways to bump into them just so you can shake hands or exchange a warm-but-awkward hug. [Read: Things to know before you google your ex’s name]

 

If you’re hurting inside after the break up, you really need to follow the no contact rule and avoid your current ex completely. It’s the only way you can ever bring that natural smile back on your face again.

 

12 reasons why the no contact rule is the best choice

 

Are you still uncertain about the fact that the no contact rule is the best way to overcome your ex? Here are 12 good reasons why the no contact rule has to be your best friend for now.

 

#1 You can’t move on. You can’t move on if you’re stuck in the same spot in your love life. As long as you stay around your ex, you’ll constantly remember how much you miss your relationship. Only when you take an emotional step away will you be able to look around and find new things to fill that emptiness you feel in your heart.

 

#2 Your feelings will always be rekindled. If you’ve been dumped by someone you still love or even if you’ve parted ways mutually, the relationship status changes overnight, but your feelings for your ex won’t be able to keep pace with it. If you meet your ex all the time, there’s a big chance that you’ll end up falling in love with them, even if they’ve moved on. [Read: 10 things to do after a break up to feel better immediately]

 

#3 Focus on the healing. It’s easier to focus on the healing when you don’t have to keep staring at that annoyingly perfect face of your ex. Memories have a sneaky way of cropping up each time you see your ex. And the more you see your ex, the harder it’ll be to stop loving them.

 

#4 You’d be more forgiving. Your ex may be a selfish person who only has their own interests in mind. If your ex cheated on you or dumped you to date someone else, and all of a sudden, they decide to come back to you, you can’t stop yourself from accepting their apology when you’re always in touch with them.

 

After a break up, all your heart wants is someone to fill the emptiness in it. Don’t be around your selfish ex or you’ll end up hurting yourself again some other day.

 

#5 You can’t fall in love with someone else. When you disregard the no contact rule and stay in touch with your ex, you’d feel like it’s morally wrong to date someone else. And even when you’re trying to find someone or something else to distract you, the thought of your break up will always linger in your mind, making you feel uneasy and miserable all the time. [Read: How to use a rebound relationship to get over a breakup]

 

#6 Your life is cluttered with broken memories. You need new memories and experiences that doesn’t involve your ex if you ever want to get back up on your feet and sense a sliver of happiness again. The more you see your ex, the more you’ll remember the old times.

 

#7 The dreaded on-off relationship. When two exes ignore the no contact rule and stay in touch, almost all the time, they end up getting back together because they’re both lonely and need a relationship to feel complete.

 

Even before you realize it, both of you may end up getting back together in the heat of a private moment when no one’s around. And if a relationship isn’t really meant to be because of so many different expectations, you may end up experiencing an on-off relationship which will hurt you a lot more, and leave you feeling worse than ever before. [Read: Questions to ask yourself to find out if you should date your ex again]

 

#8 You can’t be yourself around you ex again… ever. Let’s face it, a breakup changes everything about the relationship. You can’t just wrap your ex in your arms or kiss them goodbye when you feel like it. There will always be an awkwardness in the air unless both of you are completely over each other. Can you really handle the awkwardness all the time? Is staying friends with your ex worth more than your peace of mind?

 

#9 An ex’s touch leaves you more vulnerable than ever. When you’re in a relationship with someone, there’s bound to be a lot of sexual chemistry in the relationship. But after you break up with them, there’s a complete restriction on the things you used to do with them, sexually or romantically.

 

And when any activity becomes a taboo or a restriction, it ends up becoming an addiction because you want it more badly than ever before. If you’re still in love with your ex, every single touch or a goodbye hug could end up electrifying the air with sexual tension. And you’d feel more pained each time you touch each other. [Read: Do you want to have sex with your ex again?]

 

#10 You’d get hurt if you stay in touch. This is especially true if your ex has already moved on. Each time you try to get warm with them or try to remind them about those special times both of you shared, your ex may just call you nasty names or walk away with an annoyed expression on their face. And there you’d be, standing all alone with a broken heart that’s filled with helpless humiliation.

 

#11 Sad frustrations. Even watching your ex flirt with someone, or staring at a few happy pictures of your ex on facebook hugging someone else can annoy you. And the worst part, not a single person in the world would truly understand what you feel at that moment. You’re all alone and miserable, all because you decided to stay in touch and avoid the no contact rule. [Read: How to let go of someone you love by hating them]

 

#12 You’re missing a piece of your heart. A piece of your heart is missing because you’ve given it away to your ex. And let’s face it, after the break up, you can never get it back.

 

You need your space to either let your heart heal or have it filled with love from another person. Staying connected will always remind you of that gaping hole inside you, and it’ll never heal as long as you’re constantly around the person who took it away from you in the first place. [Read: 10 steps to get over your romance with a happy memory]

 

Trust the no contact rule

 

You love your ex, and you can’t ever imagine not talking to them or seeing them every day. Your heart hurts, and you feel lost without them in your arms. But you know what, unfortunately for you, you really have no choice here.

 

You can’t heal your heart unless you walk away. It’s a miserable and pathetic feeling, but your shattered heart will heal sooner than you think. All you need to do is give your heart a safe chance to heal itself by avoiding the person who breaks your heart every time they walk into your life.

 

[Read: How to love again after being hurt by someone]

 

The no contact rule is very hard to follow. But for your own happiness, you need to learn to deal with your addiction. It won’t be easy to avoid someone you love so much, but a few months down the lane of lost love and you’ll realize that this was the best decision, after all.

[Formerfiveo]

Hi Jeff,

 

How's work going this week?

How's your cabin coming along?

And how are you doing?

 

I went to look at a cabin in Luray, and everything was perfect except for the sloped lot. I need a little flat area for a garden and chicken coop.

 

I'm detaching more and more from my STBX. He wants me to be dependent on him, so he can have one foot in my life or something, but I'm keeping my boundaries. Blocking him on my social media is helping.

 

Best to you.

[Jeff1690]

Work is going good. Not as busy as I thought. I am doing better. I still want the wife to feel remorse and pain. Of course that is not going to happen anytime soon and I now realize that.

 

The cabin is not dried in yet. I go talk to the builder today. Got to get him on the ball. I really have to get out of this house. I feel I am still in limbo staying here in our home.

 

Detaching from her is getting a bit easier. We will see what happens when she comes home this weekend. Actually got two phone calls from women I have known for awhile. Both are divorced and they said they heard what has happened and both have invited me out for a meal or coffee.

 

Both are fairly attractive and successful. Not sure I want to go out with them I am after all still married. Yeah the divorce is coming but I guess I am old fashion like that. I still may go and just enjoy the conversations.

 

I talked to both on the phone at length the past couple of days. It was weird talking to a woman on the phone for so long with the thought of a possible date in the back of my mind. I almost felt like I was cheating on my wife.

 

Don't worry about the sloped ground around the cabin. Get you a tractor and terrace it. I did that with part of my land. I hope you find the perfect one. Remember make sure you try to get one with a creek. It is nice to have water on the property.

[Tonofbricks]

Work is going good. Not as busy as I thought. I am doing better. I still want the wife to feel remorse and pain. Of course that is not going to happen anytime soon and I now realize that.

 

Detaching from her is getting a bit easier. We will see what happens when she comes home this weekend. Actually got two phone calls from women I have known for awhile. Both are divorced and they said they heard what has happened and both have invited me out for a meal or coffee.

 

Both are fairly attractive and successful. Not sure I want to go out with them I am after all still married. Yeah the divorce is coming but I guess I am old fashion like that. I still may go and just enjoy the conversations.

 

I talked to both on the phone at length the past couple of days. It was weird talking to a woman on the phone for so long with the thought of a possible date in the back of my mind. I almost felt like I was cheating on my wife.

 

Go for it Jeff ... I did and it was very therapeutic. It may not be the best timing but usually when is? It was strange , the level of passion that was there, never like that with my W. Never

Not that it's going to lead anywhere and we both know. But I can conversate with this woman unlike my W , who obsessed about fb and sports and her nephew.. So if it wasn't about those then forget having a conversation.

 

So you may find that the W and M that you thought was great , really could have been better..

 

When are you planning on smackin down your "proof" ?

[BluesPower]

Jeff, you already have 2 women calling you...

 

Dude, as much as it hurts in some ways, start dating. You don't have to sleep with them or fall in love. Just get some female companionship. Go to dinner, get coffee, have a drink, whatever. It will make you feel better overall.

 

And Jeff, you would not be cheating, you wife left you a long time ago and just did not tell you.

 

You sound great...

[Jeff1690]

Go for it Jeff ... I did and it was very therapeutic. It may not be the best timing but usually when is? It was strange , the level of passion that was there, never like that with my W. Never

Not that it's going to lead anywhere and we both know. But I can conversate with this woman unlike my W , who obsessed about fb and sports and her nephew.. So if it wasn't about those then forget having a conversation.

 

So you may find that the W and M that you thought was great , really could have been better..

 

When are you planning on smackin down your "proof" ?

 

I was telling Marc that one of the girls I talked to is an engineer for the Corps of Engineers. Real pretty face average body, but a mind like a sharp knife. I actually talked to her on the phone for three hours. I am not a big phone talker. Rarely talk more than five minutes.

 

I don't know if the wife will show this weekend. But the divorce papers are completed and just need to be signed and notarized. Marc thinks she will be a no show this weekend. He may be right, but she may show to see if I am bluffing or not about her taking back her maiden name. Don't remember if I mentioned this or not. Her maiden name is that of her step-father who molested her. This is a big deal to her even though she has not said anything about me telling her she should change it.

 

I wouldn't do that to her no matter how bad she hurt me. I just wanted her to feel some pain and lose some sleep. So the weekend will be interesting. Maybe I will string her along till Monday.

 

I forgot to add it was therapeutic talking to these ladies. After I got off the phone each time I was just thinking of future possibilities. Heck the other girl is an a rocket scientist for NASA (really! she is damn rocket scientist lol). She is a smart girl too.

 

Tonofbricks forgot to tell about the proof. I am going to slap it down after I leave and I am in the cabin. I am going to mail it to the wife. I will also mail a copy to the best friend. Going to try to time it where the wife gets it first and the BFF gets it about a day later so the BFF doesn't call the wife till the wife sees it. I may wait a month or so not sure or maybe the day I am gone. Now that the wife and I are back on the same work schedule I when the cabin is done I will wait till she is at work out of town and empty the house. After doing a walk through I am surprised at how many family antiques we have. I get them all, plus a very expensive living room set. When she comes home the main floor will be empty except for the master bedroom suite, and an entertainment system in the living room. When I say the main floor will be empty it will be empty. No I am not taking things that are not in the divorce papers, it is all my family antiques. I am sure when she comes home to an empty house and me gone with out a word it will be like a punch to the gut.

Edited September 13, 2016 by Jeff1690

[Marc878]

I could be wrong but she's so wrapped up in her own world at this time I don't think much will bother her. Some call it the affair fog. They seem to have tunnel vision and can't see much other than what they want to see.

[Tonofbricks]

I could be wrong but she's so wrapped up in her own world at this time I don't think much will bother her. Some call it the affair fog. They seem to have tunnel vision and can't see much other than what they want to see.

 

I was trying to elude to this a few days ago.. When I busted my proof out it didn't really have the effect I was hoping for. Not that o wanted her to say hey I f'd up and want you back... Far from it.. Pain is what I as after...anguish and heartache... But it never really came...

 

But later it did in a sort of round about way... With OM wife and friendship we developed .. I practically crafted their sep agreement..he went from getting off easy to costing him 4times what he had figured... So maybe it did do what I wanted .. Just initially don't expect the world to stop turning and news crews show up to cover the carnage...the info may be like a long fused bomb...

[Steen719]

I could be wrong but she's so wrapped up in her own world at this time I don't think much will bother her. Some call it the affair fog. They seem to have tunnel vision and can't see much other than what they want to see.

 

 

Yep, I moved out a week earlier than I had anticipated. XH was out of town seeing gf and he never said a single word! No texts, no emails, nothing. Some time later, he just said he thought I was moving the next weekend. He could have cared less when it was and I don't think it mattered that half of the belongings were gone. He just simply made the comment. Marc is right. She probably will not be bothered. You are seeing this through your eyes - not hers.

 

As my brother replied when I said I did not understand how my XH could move on so quickly and I seemed stuck - "well, he moved on much earlier than you did. He was gone (figuratively) by the time you found out."

[Jeff1690]

Yep, I moved out a week earlier than I had anticipated. XH was out of town seeing gf and he never said a single word! No texts, no emails, nothing. Some time later, he just said he thought I was moving the next weekend. He could have cared less when it was and I don't think it mattered that half of the belongings were gone. He just simply made the comment. Marc is right. She probably will not be bothered. You are seeing this through your eyes - not hers.

 

As my brother replied when I said I did not understand how my XH could move on so quickly and I seemed stuck - "well, he moved on much earlier than you did. He was gone (figuratively) by the time you found out."

 

You are correct. She has moved on. I am really basing this on her reaction to going down to the game room and seeing boxes stacked to the ceiling. She stood there with her mouth open (literally) and was truly confused. It was like it didn't click that I am moving on and want out.

 

She has most definitely moved on and has her new world. Part of her world is having me on a string though. It has been pounded at me about separating and staying away from her to detach. Well I am listening, I just think it odd that part of her has not detached. I am still here in the house. The grass gets mowed (sometimes lol) things are basically taken care of like always. Because of a few lapses on my part on the 180 she believes she still has me.

 

She no longer has me my biggest 180 problem was trying to hammer her with what she has done and wanting her to feel the pain I do. Big mistake always feel better when she is away and doing my own thing and healing. When you don't pay attention to damn good advice here you pay the piper. The piper has quite a big bag of gold from me. What he doesn't know is I intend to sneak up on him and smack him in the head and get my gold back lol.

 

So anyone that is reading this and just starting this process pay attention to my mistakes and what these guys and gals have suggested. It will not hurt as bad and you will move on faster.

[Jeff1690]

Knowing that she won't show up this weekend - I'd make plans to drive down to her place with papers in hand and take her to a notary at a local bank.

 

You can tell her you'd like to finish up the marriage and move on.

 

Whatever plans she has can wait until after she's signed in front of a notary.

 

Take charge of the outcome instead of being at the mercy of her showing up.

 

Damn S2B great advice!! Of course the way my plans of what I want to happen with her don't seem to work out. Now that, that is on my mind she will be here two days early. But you know what? If she doesn't show that is great advice and I will take this by the balls and run with it.

[Jeff1690]

I wouldn't wait on her for one hot second. She doesn't do what she says she will do... She does whatever suits her well.

 

So now it's time for YOU to DO what's best for your future - and that includes having her sign the divorce papers as soon as possible.

 

Plus - she will never expect YOU to drive there! Go there - see what she really has going on. Be ready... She's had a LOT of time to make a cozy little separate life for herself.

 

Keep your armor on - and stay focused on getting out of the marriage. If she asks why you're there just tell her you want it over with as soon as possible. Goodbye and good riddance. If her boyfriend is there you can wish him good luck - in a sarcastic tone, of course.

For some reason this really pumps me up! I so hope she doesn't come home this weekend.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Jeff, if you do go to her place, I'd suggest taking at least one friend as a witness AND to help you remain calm.

 

I just don't want her to make any false claims.

 

The spouse we married is no longer the spouse we think they are --- lying and making false claims are now very easy for them.

 

If you were a few years into the separation/divorce, I would not be making this comment. But your emotions are still pretty raw....and rightfully so!! I just don't want her to find an opening in your armor and use it against you.

 

Anyway, just be careful.

[Steen719]

You are correct. She has moved on. I am really basing this on her reaction to going down to the game room and seeing boxes stacked to the ceiling. She stood there with her mouth open (literally) and was truly confused. It was like it didn't click that I am moving on and want out.

 

She has most definitely moved on and has her new world. Part of her world is having me on a string though. It has been pounded at me about separating and staying away from her to detach. Well I am listening, I just think it odd that part of her has not detached. I am still here in the house. The grass gets mowed (sometimes lol) things are basically taken care of like always. Because of a few lapses on my part on the 180 she believes she still has me.

 

She no longer has me my biggest 180 problem was trying to hammer her with what she has done and wanting her to feel the pain I do. Big mistake always feel better when she is away and doing my own thing and healing. When you don't pay attention to damn good advice here you pay the piper. The piper has quite a big bag of gold from me. What he doesn't know is I intend to sneak up on him and smack him in the head and get my gold back lol.

 

So anyone that is reading this and just starting this process pay attention to my mistakes and what these guys and gals have suggested. It will not hurt as bad and you will move on faster.

 

This reaction is most likely because she is selfish and just cannot imagine you are still so upset by all of this. My XH was like this. It did not have a thing to do with him still wanting me and oh no, I was leaving. It was more like - "what exactly is the big deal here"? He even asked me why didn't I just stay and leave everything where it was so it would sell better. NO.CLUE as to why I would need to get away from him. After all, he was out a lot and gone with his gf. Absolutely clueless the man was.

 

Believe me, any smidge of recognition of what he might have done/be doing to ruin his own life and the lives of his family came much later. At this point (above) in the process, he was still excited about his new life.

 

It's a process. We learn as we go along and eventually, we get to a better place.

[Tonofbricks]

This reaction is most likely because she is selfish and just cannot imagine you are still so upset by all of this. My XH was like this. It did not have a thing to do with him still wanting me and oh no, I was leaving. It was more like - "what exactly is the big deal here"? He even asked me why didn't I just stay and leave everything where it was so it would sell better. NO.CLUE as to why I would need to get away from him. After all, he was out a lot and gone with his gf. Absolutely clueless the man was.

 

Believe me, any smidge of recognition of what he might have done/be doing to ruin his own life and the lives of his family came much later. At this point (above) in the process, he was still excited about his new life.

 

It's a process. We learn as we go along and eventually, we get to a better place.

 

Steen when did H finally realize the damage he had done? This is what would like to know..

 

Sorry for the hijack Jeff...

[tinkerbell16]

Steen when did H finally realize the damage he had done? This is what would like to know..

 

Sorry for the hijack Jeff...

 

They "come back" to you when they realize the grass isn't greener. Or if they are too prideful or embarrassed or see you are not ever going to forgive them they may never come back but that doesn’t mean they wouldn't if they could.

 

Affairs typically end. Reality hits. They cycle through more relationships typically trying to seek what they lost. Their relationships and experiences and the pain they caused you changes them. They are no longer the person you married and likely not a person who you would marry.

[Steen719]

Steen when did H finally realize the damage he had done? This is what would like to know..

 

Sorry for the hijack Jeff...

 

Well, lets see. I divorced him in October, but didn't move out until the end of January. Those months and the months before divorce after I discovered what he was up to, he spent a lot of time happy, calling gf, leaving town. He really did not care about my feelings at all. Not exactly cruel, but really pretty cold. I moved out and for over a year, he contacted me mostly by email (my insistence, as I did not want to talk to him - no contact), but the emails were about business stuff, nothing really personal. Really, for about 1 1/2 years after I moved out. He NEVER asked if I was OK, did I need anything. At this point, he had moved in with gf about 4 hours away and wouldn't sell the house, would not make payments, did not help my son with college expenses and was mostly at her house (oh, and he made half of her house payments, though). I worked two jobs to help son in college and had very little money, lived in a crappy apartment.

 

He did not come home for father's day. I took my son out for father's day dinner. The gf needed someone with her after surgery. She had three grown kids in the city, had come 4 hours the weekend before and the weekend after, so it did not sound too serious, but that was his reasoning. Some months after that, he and the gf broke up many times (from what he told me later). He called me - oh, anyway, he wanted some sympathy, I guess. I tried to befriend him at this time as I wanted to have a good relationship with him for my son's sake. This did not last because he was just an ass, but during the brief time trying to be friends for son, he said he knew what he had done was wrong, blah, blah. I brought up that he had not made it home for father's day. He acted as if it wasn't a big deal, but admitted it was not good. When I told him that he had not even bothered to see if his wife of 23 years had needed anything after I had cared for his sorry sick self before and after transplant and he could not even bother to worry one little bit about me. He was actually surprised - oh really? I asked son about you.

 

UGH

 

Here is the thing. He finally did seem to realize that he had done some horrible things, let his son down, did not feel worthy of forgiveness, on and on. But, he is a narcissist or at least has some of those personality characteristics, so these kinds of feelings waxed and waned and he blamed me, didn't blame me, blamed me, didn't blame me and so forth for the next 3 years.

 

I would say he has a lack of self awareness, to say the least. Self centered, selfish people see their mistakes as things that hurt them more than things that hurt others. He felt bad about the things he did, but he felt just as bad about how much it hurt him than how much it hurt us. He was so sad when his relationship ended. Really, like a child. "I hurt so bad and you have always been there for me."

 

I can't say that my feelings changed in one fell swoop for him, but over time, I realized that I did not feel the same for him and never would. At some point, I felt sorry for him and just wished he could find some peace. I wanted him to have a good relationship with our son.

 

He ended up being pretty verbally abusive to me and abusive through text messages. He just could not let it go that I had left him and he was without his family and home. We foreclosed and I don't think (but do not know for sure) that he had much of a social life. I cut him out of my life, sending him an email explaining why and telling him that I would contact the police if he continued to contact me with abusive texts. There were a couple of reasons he really did not want that, so he has left me alone. Too bad, but that is the way it had to be for me.

 

Sorry, not a short answer, but the shortest I could give right now.

[tinkerbell16]

Jeff,

 

How did the paper signing go?

 

Tink

[Marc878]

Good luck. Hope it's short and sweet!!!