Saw him tonight and think I made a fool of myself

[WakingUp]

I'm sorry this happened to you. She should not have said that in front of your daughter, or really period because it only makes her look bad.

 

Anytime you see him, her or really anything that reminds you of the A, it could be a smell or a song, etc you will probably trigger until you have healed. Even long after a traumatic event (and I consider the ending of A's or Ddays traumatic events) I feel a person can trigger.

 

I think OW most likely have triggers just like BS's do.

 

LD, I think you are an awesome woman.

 

Your compassion and generosity of spirit always shines through and I admire you.

 

Thank you for being you x

[Josmatjes]

Thank you to everyone who responded.

 

It takes a lot of time to get over things like this. There are many triggers that cannot be avoided. I live with anxiety everyday! I've actually gained like 10 lbs since this all began. I'm working with my therapist and she also tells me to hold my head high and to never respond...

[Josmatjes]

You are not branded, I know that feeling though and for myself it was how I coped with having been in an affair. It took a long while to shift negative thoughts into positive ones. There is a lot to learn about ourselves when we betray our significant others and ourselves. Who we thought we were and how nice we can be can be shattered beyond recognition. You will need to learn to trust yourself again, the affair shakes you to the core and really it's not about trusting others it's about trusting who you are as person and what you value

 

This is soooo true! I don't know who I am anymore. I never thought I was capable of doing what I did. I'm trying to get back to me, but it's a long road with a lot of self reflection. Thank you for your words!

[Lurkeraspect]

It's really sad that in the almost 1 year since your DD, not much (if anything) has changed. You're still pining over the MM, ( I know you'll say you're not, but your posting history tells a different story) your marriage is not good, you haven't even begun to forgive yourself, and basically you remain stuck. Is it at all in the realm of possibility for you to move? Towns? State? I fear you're forever going to be posting here (for years to come) with the same story, and just wasting time, stuck.

 

Life is short, Jos. You're wasting time.

Edited September 26, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[Josmatjes]

It's really sad that in the almost 1 year since your DD, not much (if anything) has changed. You're still pining over the MM, ( I know you'll say you're not, but your posting history tells a different story) your marriage is not good, you haven't even begun to forgive yourself, and basically you remain stuck. Is it at all in the realm of possibility for you to move? Towns? State? I fear you're forever going to be posting here (for years to come) with the same story, and just wasting time, stuck.

 

Life is short, Jos. You're wasting time.

 

A lot has changed inside of me. As far as my home life my husband is moving out this week. When you are married w kids and pets and cars and a mortgage things don't change overnight. Everything takes time. I'm not over what happened cause I'm also reminded of it everyday by little barbs my H throws at me. This has been a long year and I come here for support not criticism. At this point I feel I may never post anything again because of some of the comments I've recieved here. This whole year is a journey for me and I put things on here every once in awhile for update.

[Red123]

A lot has changed inside of me. As far as my home life my husband is moving out this week. When you are married w kids and pets and cars and a mortgage things don't change overnight. Everything takes time. I'm not over what happened cause I'm also reminded of it everyday by little barbs my H throws at me. This has been a long year and I come here for support not criticism. At this point I feel I may never post anything again because of some of the comments I've recieved here. This whole year is a journey for me and I put things on here every once in awhile for update.

 

It does take time for sure. I have used this place as a sounding board to get my thoughts out when I didn't want to talk to the people around me. It takes a long time to figure ourselves out again after something like this and although most days you may be on the right track, I think it's normal to slide back into the bad for a while afterward. As far as his wife goes, she sounds angry, which most of us are after betrayal. I'm sure she needs time too, and although I don't agree with her comment to you while your child was present, I can see where the anger comes from. I don't think you should have to move unless it's the only way you see yourself having peace again. Good luck to you.

[Popsicle]

Jos, I don't remember the details of your story, but I know you had a Dday. If your xMM had left his wife at that time, would you have left your husband too?

[Lurkeraspect]

A lot has changed inside of me. As far as my home life my husband is moving out this week. When you are married w kids and pets and cars and a mortgage things don't change overnight. Everything takes time. I'm not over what happened cause I'm also reminded of it everyday by little barbs my H throws at me. This has been a long year and I come here for support not criticism. At this point I feel I may never post anything again because of some of the comments I've recieved here. This whole year is a journey for me and I put things on here every once in awhile for update.

 

My post was not meant to hurt you,and I'm pretty sure I didn't criticize you. I was hoping rather to propel you into action. Sounds like there are some changes happening, and that's good. Yes, divorce isn't some flip decision, trust me, I know. My ex and I ended an almost 30 year marriage, and it was all for the best, but difficult at the time.

 

I hope you'll keep posting and moving forward in your life.

 

Best.

[OldRover]

Josmatjes,

 

Unfortunately, you'll find some posts that seem like they are cutting you apart and how wrong you are. That's typical of sites like this, but there are sites that are MUCH worse, and give little help.

 

At least you'll get some help here, and just sort through the good advise and take the negative posts for what they are. They may give you some insight, and maybe not.

 

You got into your affair for whatever reason, you don't say, but not important. I'm sure there were times that you really enjoyed it and his company. And, you knew (or at least found out) that there were risks of getting involved. I'd suspect that you also knew that there would be difficult times with your OM, with him in an awkward position, trying to juggle too lives, and make enough time for you. That often seems to cause problems. And you probably knew he might make promises that he couldn't keep or just changed his mind.

 

So, remember the good times with him, but put the rest out of your mind. You obviously don't care to get involved again and have totally terminated the relationship. Try hard to just end the thought of the bad and troubled times.

 

You will survive this and it may take some time, and as mentioned, it might take moving to another town (which could be a major move).

 

A few questions....

Why is your husband moving out?

How old are your kids and what is the plan for them?

What are your goals for the next few years... and where do you want to be five years down the road?

[Eagle's-bargain]

You are not branded, I know that feeling though and for myself it was how I coped with having been in an affair. It took a long while to shift negative thoughts into positive ones. There is a lot to learn about ourselves when we betray our significant others and ourselves. Who we thought we were and how nice we can be can be shattered beyond recognition. You will need to learn to trust yourself again, the affair shakes you to the core and really it's not about trusting others it's about trusting who you are as person and what you value

 

I disagree. The brand is a life-blemish. If you knew what you were doing was wrong, nothing takes that away. No amount of good deeds, or "positive" thoughts will change the fact that someone has interfered in a relationship. No matter how much you believed you were in love or the MW/MM said you were the one and they were leaving the BH/BW/BS for you, it was and still is wrong.

 

I know. I was the other man and believed my feelings and my love for the MW (and her comments to me) superseded the marriage she was in at the time. In the end the only thing I lost was control and the ability to say I never had an affair. I never cheated on any relationship I've ever been in, but cheating another's intentionally is a brand you can't remove.

 

It's best to keep these scars as reminders than to let them fade into obscurity.

The only support I know how to offer, is that you're now not alone in your feelings and it will take you as much time as it needs.

Edited September 26, 2015 by Eagle's-bargain

[MJJean]

I disagree. The brand is a life-blemish.

 

For me, it seems a blemish only some people notice.

 

I have been with my DH 15 years. Married 12. Monogamous the whole time. And yet some people see the blemish leftover from my past and remark on it. It's rare, but happens.

 

When venting to my two GF's from before, during, and after my first marriage, I have had them both independently ask if I was going to have an affair. Normal woman venting to woman about annoying things husband does/thinks/wants. No mention of anyone else and nothing to indicate that I suddenly stopped being a homebody and got a life which may include men. Nothing. Yet that's where their minds went.

 

If certain relatives and I disagree, I can guarantee you there will eventually be a snarky comment referencing my affairs during my first marriage.

 

I just don't let it bother me. My GF's were honestly concerned, so I remind them every time that this marriage is entirely different and something I take very seriously. The relatives I see as little as humanly possible.

[Eagle's-bargain]

For me, it seems a blemish only some people notice.

 

I notice my own blemish/brand, everyone else's opinion outside of friends - who had their opinions and their own moral side, as they should, but still friends nontheless - is just filler.

[Rainbowlove]

It's really sad that in the almost 1 year since your DD, not much (if anything) has changed. You're still pining over the MM, ( I know you'll say you're not, but your posting history tells a different story) your marriage is not good, you haven't even begun to forgive yourself, and basically you remain stuck. Is it at all in the realm of possibility for you to move? Towns? State? I fear you're forever going to be posting here (for years to come) with the same story, and just wasting time, stuck.

 

Life is short, Jos. You're wasting time.

 

I don't think this is a fair post.

 

It took me two years to sort myself out after my affair.

 

It's a lot to digest. I'm not in the least bit surprised she's still searching for answers and is still in pain.

 

Keep plugging away, Jos. You need more time to heal. You'll get there.

[Lurkeraspect]

I don't think this is a fair post.

 

It took me two years to sort myself out after my affair.

 

It's a lot to digest. I'm not in the least bit surprised she's still searching for answers and is still in pain.

 

Keep plugging away, Jos. You need more time to heal. You'll get there.

 

It's okay if you think my post is unfair. It was my opinion based on all the OP has shared. I never suggested that she magically be over anything, or have it all sorted out. I merely gave suggestions that nothing will change if she just sits there, doing nothing. Seems there is some movement to end her dead marriage, which is good. I certainly don't wish her any ill will and I hope she gets to a better place, because as I said; life is short.

[Josmatjes]

Josmatjes,

 

Unfortunately, you'll find some posts that seem like they are cutting you apart and how wrong you are. That's typical of sites like this, but there are sites that are MUCH worse, and give little help.

 

At least you'll get some help here, and just sort through the good advise and take the negative posts for what they are. They may give you some insight, and maybe not.

 

You got into your affair for whatever reason, you don't say, but not important. I'm sure there were times that you really enjoyed it and his company. And, you knew (or at least found out) that there were risks of getting involved. I'd suspect that you also knew that there would be difficult times with your OM, with him in an awkward position, trying to juggle too lives, and make enough time for you. That often seems to cause problems. And you probably knew he might make promises that he couldn't keep or just changed his mind.

 

So, remember the good times with him, but put the rest out of your mind. You obviously don't care to get involved again and have totally terminated the relationship. Try hard to just end the thought of the bad and troubled times.

 

You will survive this and it may take some time, and as mentioned, it might take moving to another town (which could be a major move).

 

A few questions....

Why is your husband moving out?

How old are your kids and what is the plan for them?

What are your goals for the next few years... and where do you want to be five years down the road?

 

We had problems way before my affair. Things have gotten worse. I'm not in love w my husband anymore. It's not fair to him or myself. I want more and he can't provide it.

I have three kids. They see what's going on. Kids are so perceptive. I'm honest with them and have open lines of communication. I think in many ways my H enables some bad behavior from them. I think that they will actually be stronger after he leaves. We are planning on marrage counciling and still going on a date nite once a month. I'm not giving up yet. I have some hope.

My goal is to get a good job and finish school to become a teacher. In five years I want to be happy. If I'm not with my husband than I hope I find someone I'm more comparable with...

[Josmatjes]

Jos, I don't remember the details of your story, but I know you had a Dday. If your xMM had left his wife at that time, would you have left your husband too?

 

I have to say, I don't think so. Because it would of been so traumatic for my kids. I will never want a man or love a man more than my kids!

[Popsicle]

I have to say, I don't think so. Because it would of been so traumatic for my kids. I will never want a man or love a man more than my kids!

 

Your xMM probably feels the same way. Surely you can understand that, and maybe help you understand why he went cold. The kids were the root of his fears.

[Lurkeraspect]

Your xMM probably feels the same way. Surely you can understand that, and maybe help you understand why he went cold. The kids were the root of his fears.

 

I think Jos needs to leave the OMM out of the quotient. Who cares what he feels. He has stayed fully enconsed in his marriage, he's not offered Jos anything, he's gone silent. Best for OP to keep it moving, work on her situation, divorce, make a home for her kids and not let him into her life in any way. Keep it moving, Jos! It's your life. Forget this man. Keep it moving.

[OldRover]

We had problems way before my affair. Things have gotten worse. I'm not in love w my husband anymore. It's not fair to him or myself. I want more and he can't provide it.

I have three kids. They see what's going on. Kids are so perceptive. I'm honest with them and have open lines of communication. I think in many ways my H enables some bad behavior from them. I think that they will actually be stronger after he leaves. We are planning on marrage counciling and still going on a date nite once a month. I'm not giving up yet. I have some hope.

My goal is to get a good job and finish school to become a teacher. In five years I want to be happy. If I'm not with my husband than I hope I find someone I'm more comparable with...

 

 

Jos,

 

Wish you the best. Personally, I'm hoping for a reconciliation with your H. You were in love with him once, and you can be again. You can both make changes for the better and foster a good relationship. Much easier, and much better for the kids.... and still become a teacher.

[bathtub-row]

Women are ALWAYS the ones to be blamed and shamed when it comes to affairs. If you act ashamed of yourself, people will pick up on that and treat you accordingly. You need to think about what you did, why you did it, learn from it, and then finally make peace with it. End of story.

 

There's no point in continuing to beat yourself up about it. You know better now and make a promise to yourself that you'll never do that again. After all that, drop it. Otherwise, it will continue to haunt you and control your life.

[Josmatjes]

Your xMM probably feels the same way. Surely you can understand that, and maybe help you understand why he went cold. The kids were the root of his fears.

 

Of course. But he's not part of my life anymore.I only see him Very rarely and usually at an event. he isn't a concern of mine anymore. He made his choice and I made mine. I'm making changes to better my life and he isn't. Not my problem.

[Popsicle]

Of course. But he's not part of my life anymore.I only see him Very rarely and usually at an event. he isn't a concern of mine anymore. He made his choice and I made mine. I'm making changes to better my life and he isn't. Not my problem.

 

So proud of you, Jos.

[Tullyseptember]

Jos,

 

I had an affair as well. I will never forgot what I did. It will stay with me until the end of my days. It won't ever brand me though, yes in the early days I did think of myself as branded. Not anymore, I have learned much about myself. I keep this portion of who I was then just in reach as a moral compass to never forgot the downward spiral of what my life became. As you become a better version of yourself the constant reminder of what you did does not need to be a running background commentary. And Jos, yes be positive that the journey you are on will bring you to the self discovery of an improved Jos.

 

QUOTE=Eagle's-bargain;6564332]I disagree. The brand is a life-blemish. If you knew what you were doing was wrong, nothing takes that away. No amount of good deeds, or "positive" thoughts will change the fact that someone has interfered in a relationship. No matter how much you believed you were in love or the MW/MM said you were the one and they were leaving the BH/BW/BS for you, it was and still is wrong.

[Eagle's-bargain]

Women are ALWAYS the ones to be blamed and shamed when it comes to affairs.

 

This wasn't my experience. I'm not entirely sure how you came to the conclusion that it's "always" women who are blamed and shamed.

[OldRover]

This wasn't my experience. I'm not entirely sure how you came to the conclusion that it's "always" women who are blamed and shamed.

 

Agreed, either party can be called the "blame". However, it takes two to have an affair, so both should share the blame, if any. And there may not be blame... it could be totally appropriate.