Saw him tonight and think I made a fool of myself

[Sub]

I wouldn't see it as giving up. This has been a monumental investment in time and emotions on your part. Outside of filing, what more can you do to move this situation along?

[HereNorThere]

My god these men are pathetic and so needy!! My his band moving back in w his parents hurt our marraige more than any affair could that's for sure. I had an affair because we hadn't had sex in 3 years and now it's 5. He is probably happy now that I'm not in the bed with him!!

 

You don't have to be branded for life, but at the same time you aren't doing anything that warrants the removal of this brand. Not really much has changed and you are still treating your husband like a piece of garbage. You have absolutely ZERO respect for this man.

 

Do you not find it the least bit ironic that you are referring to him as "pathetic and needy" when you are the one who "needed" the attention of another woman's husband, another child's father? So much so that it didn't matter how many lives were destroyed, including those of your children and MM's children. Your husband had his whole life stripped from him by you. Family, house, children, peace of mind, trust, you name it and then he seeks the support of family and now he's "pathetic and needy?"

 

You've humiliated, blamed, insulted and ultimately stolen everything from this man and you still don't have the common decency to let him go. You have even admitted that you aren't in love him. You still constantly obsess about MM. If you were truly remorseful and wanted to make things right, you would be supporting anything he has to do to console himself. And yes, even for us adults, sometimes that means seeking support from your mom.

 

[]

Edited March 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Robert]

Folks,

Moderation has received a number of reports on this thread and this is a reminder that posts shall be civil and respectful of other posters.

 

Thank you,

~6

 

 

Civility and respect

 

We expect that all community participants interact in a manner conducive to free-flowing, collaborative participation from all visitors, fostering an environment free of harassment, character attacks, and other forms of individual and group berating. We realize that all members may not share the same definitions on issues surrounding personal morality, appropriate behavior, and other sensitive topics of discussion that often appear on the site; we encourage all to voice their own opinions while refraining from criticizing other participants for the perspective they hold. Each person that posts on the forum is to be treated with the utmost respect and civility regardless of how absurd or ridiculous the opinion expressed might seem to you from your perspective.

 

Personal attacks against other participants will not be tolerated under any circumstances. We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant. It is inevitable that members will sometimes disagree in their responses to any given problem, and LoveShack.org encourages healthy debate comprised of constructive questions and criticisms, so long as they pertain to the post and thread at hand. Personal dislike of another member has no place in any post, on any thread.

 

We expect that all participants will respond to posts in their specific context, not to the person who has posted. While opinions may be formed of various members based on what they have posted in the past, any response to any particular submission should be grounded in what has been posted in that thread. Past disagreements should not be resurrected in new threads. It is important that criticism be directed at what is stated in a post ("I don't like your idea") rather than at the individual making the statement ("I don't like you").

 

Submissions containing threats to leave the community or other forms of "emotional extortion" intended to incite a reaction from fellow participants are viewed as inconsiderate and disrespectful to the community as a whole and will result in immediate loss of access to the site.

[ladydesigner]

(((Josmatjes))) Dust that s**t off(xMM) and get on with life! Keep focusing on YOU and making yourself better. Broken NC always sets both parties back that is why it is a must to keep it.

 

Keep going forward and don't look back!

[dreamingoftigers]

Do you still feel branded by all of this, or has it largely passed?

 

Do you think your husband might be depressed?

 

Depression seems to be impacting me lately (might just be pregnancy stuff) and it is affecting my motivation.

[doble]

You don't have to be branded for life, but at the same time you aren't doing anything that warrants the removal of this brand. Not really much has changed and you are still treating your husband like a piece of garbage. You have absolutely ZERO respect for this man.

 

Do you not find it the least bit ironic that you are referring to him as "pathetic and needy" when you are the one who "needed" the attention of another woman's husband, another child's father? So much so that it didn't matter how many lives were destroyed, including those of your children and MM's children. Your husband had his whole life stripped from him by you. Family, house, children, peace of mind, trust, you name it and then he seeks the support of family and now he's "pathetic and needy?"

 

You've humiliated, blamed, insulted and ultimately stolen everything from this man and you still don't have the common decency to let him go. You have even admitted that you aren't in love him. You still constantly obsess about MM. If you were truly remorseful and wanted to make things right, you would be supporting anything he has to do to console himself. And yes, even for us adults, sometimes that means seeking support from your mom.

 

[]

 

Simply said agree 100% with this post. OP needs to look inside before casting stones at MM and BH.

Especially considering she broke NC, and met MM for other than coffee. It is good her BH has family for support

[Josmatjes]

You don't have to be branded for life, but at the same time you aren't doing anything that warrants the removal of this brand. Not really much has changed and you are still treating your husband like a piece of garbage. You have absolutely ZERO respect for this man.

 

Do you not find it the least bit ironic that you are referring to him as "pathetic and needy" when you are the one who "needed" the attention of another woman's husband, another child's father? So much so that it didn't matter how many lives were destroyed, including those of your children and MM's children. Your husband had his whole life stripped from him by you. Family, house, children, peace of mind, trust, you name it and then he seeks the support of family and now he's "pathetic and needy?"

 

You've humiliated, blamed, insulted and ultimately stolen everything from this man and you still don't have the common decency to let him go. You have even admitted that you aren't in love him. You still constantly obsess about MM. If you were truly remorseful and wanted to make things right, you would be supporting anything he has to do to console himself. And yes, even for us adults, sometimes that means seeking support from your mom.

 

[]

 

I have not humiliated him at all! He's a good father and person. I do have the decency to let him go. I'm not stringinging him along at all. If I was he would still be here. As far as being stripped of his life , that's a load of ....!! I gave him everything for years and he took it for granted and neglected me. You have no idea how much I've tried with this man! Now please do not respond to any more of my threads unless you actually have something nice or helpful to say!!

[Josmatjes]

Simply said agree 100% with this post. OP needs to look inside before casting stones at MM and BH.

Especially considering she broke NC, and met MM for other than coffee. It is good her BH has family for support

 

Ok how bout reading everything first before you judge!! I haven't castes stones at anyone and I never would!!

[whichwayisup]

My husband was and is aware of He communication that went on this year. He also knows I'm no contact right now. I've given him full disclosure. It doesn't matter what I say he is not willing to try the same as he was before my A. I think that both my H and my xm are both toxic men

 

I hope you heal well and let go of both men. Since your H has moved out and there's really no efforts made to fix things or get together and talk, why not file for divorce or at least make it a legal separation.

 

As for your exMM, let him fade away. Do all that you can to block him on all social media and grieve the loss.

 

You're not branded.

[HereNorThere]

I have not humiliated him at all! He's a good father and person. I do have the decency to let him go. I'm not stringinging him along at all. If I was he would still be here. As far as being stripped of his life , that's a load of ....!! I gave him everything for years and he took it for granted and neglected me. You have no idea how much I've tried with this man! Now please do not respond to any more of my threads unless you actually have something nice or helpful to say!!

 

This is a really good post because it shows the disconnect between reality and the way you are viewing things. Maybe you can use this post to relate.

 

The topic of this thread is about how you feel "branded" and others are talking about you behind your back, etc. Now, can you imagine the "brand" your husband is wearing? Trust me, there are very, very few things more humiliating than finding out your wife, the mother of your children, has been sleeping with your child's friend's parent. I'm sure he feels the exact same way you do in those public situations, but the difference is that he did choose to do it. You had a choice to wear this label, but it was forced upon him and no matter how hard he tries, it will never wash off. There is no doubt in my mind when that he feels utterly and completely humaliated, aka, branded when he's in the room with your AP and everyone there knows what happened.

 

And that's the disconnect. That somehow your actions humaliated you, but he was left unscathed. I can assure the brand he is wearing is a lot more painful just for the simple fact that he didn't choose any of it. It was applied by the mother his children and life partner. I'm sure he is wondering when he gets to stop wearing the brand as well.

 

I wish you the best of luck, OP. There will be a time when you both stop wearing the label and move onto healthier relationships. Until then, I hope you can remain civil and avoid any more situations like these for the children's sake.

[doble]

Ok how bout reading everything first before you judge!! I haven't castes stones at anyone and I never would!!

 

I did read your posts and you are casting stones at MM, and your BH. It is not BH's fault you made the choice to cheat, nor is it MMs fault you broke NC 3 weeks ago and slept with him. Then because he wouldn't talk with you after he got what he and you wanted, you got mad, felt used, and told him off saying there was a special place in hell. If you hadn't broke NC, none of this would have happened. You claim your husband is not humiliated, how can he not feel less as a man at your actions with your children's friends father, especially just 3 weeks ago? Can you imagine or even care how he feels? He is humiliated. He is branded.

Let your husband go.

Sorry OP if the truth offends. I am done.

Edited March 16, 2016 by doble

[MJJean]

Ok, so right now your brand is "wayward wife".

 

Your H's brand is "betrayed husband".

 

If you want to get rid of that brand, your only choices are to become "reformed wayward wife" and "formerly betrayed husband" through true reconciliation or to be rebranded "divorced".

 

You know that you are very unlikely to reconcile. You're feeling lonely and clearly want a man in your life physically and emotionally, yet won't file for divorce and cannot find a decent man while married, so you fall back into contact with MM instead of moving forward.

 

File for the divorce. Stay NC with MM. Heal. Search for an available man who is compatible.

[Josmatjes]

This is a really good post because it shows the disconnect between reality and the way you are viewing things. Maybe you can use this post to relate.

 

The topic of this thread is about how you feel "branded" and others are talking about you behind your back, etc. Now, can you imagine the "brand" your husband is wearing? Trust me, there are very, very few things more humiliating than finding out your wife, the mother of your children, has been sleeping with your child's friend's parent. I'm sure he feels the exact same way you do in those public situations, but the difference is that he did choose to do it. You had a choice to wear this label, but it was forced upon him and no matter how hard he tries, it will never wash off. There is no doubt in my mind when that he feels utterly and completely humaliated, aka, branded when he's in the room with your AP and everyone there knows what happened.

 

And that's the disconnect. That somehow your actions humaliated you, but he was left unscathed. I can assure the brand he is wearing is a lot more painful just for the simple fact that he didn't choose any of it. It was applied by the mother his children and life partner. I'm sure he is wondering when he gets to stop wearing the brand as well.

 

I wish you the best of luck, OP. There will be a time when you both stop wearing the label and move onto healthier relationships. Until then, I hope you can remain civil and avoid any more situations like these for the children's sake.

 

I don't know Ben know how to answer this. Ok the branded post was awhile ago and I don't necessarily feel that way anymore and my husband hasn't seen them in three years and as far as I know only two people know. My husband was not physical w me for years and refused to seek help. Yes I did the wrong thing but I was living in pain for years. Also we aren't just civil to one another we are still best friends and co parents together!

[ChickiePops]

I don't know Ben know how to answer this. Ok the branded post was awhile ago and I don't necessarily feel that way anymore and my husband hasn't seen them in three years and as far as I know only two people know. My husband was not physical w me for years and refused to seek help. Yes I did the wrong thing but I was living in pain for years. Also we aren't just civil to one another we are still best friends and co parents together!

 

Your use of the word but negates your ownership of your own mistakes.

 

Why did you choose to live in pain? That was your choice..it sucks that your husband wouldn't get help but you made the decision to cheat instead of leaving him or telling him that you would seek attention elsewhere. You also chose to do so with someone else's husband, therefore hurting another family besides your own.

 

Your husbands choices are entirely on him, just as your choices are entirely, 100% on you.

[Josmatjes]

I have to wonder if the two liters who are caring stones at me the bs. We come here for guidance and help. I am quite aware of what I've done, what my husband has done and how we are both healing. I do take ownership because of what I did but everything isn't black and white. The grey area is the fact I cheated, the reason I cheated and the fact that my husband still refuses to get help. Isn't holding back effect ion and love and sex also a breach of the marraige contract!!i felt cheated on for years.

[ChickiePops]

Doesn't really matter who is a BS and who's not. Support does not mean agreeing with everything the OP says or does. We all come from different situations in different walks of life so everyone has valuable advice and opinions to offer whether you like what we say or not.

 

I shared my interpretation of your words and I disagree with you on certain things. Doesn't make either of us right or wrong. That's how I take what you've said. Same with other posters.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have to wonder if the two liters who are caring stones at me the bs. We come here for guidance and help. I am quite aware of what I've done, what my husband has done and how we are both healing. I do take ownership because of what I did but everything isn't black and white. The grey area is the fact I cheated, the reason I cheated and the fact that my husband still refuses to get help. Isn't holding back effect ion and love and sex also a breach of the marraige contract!!i felt cheated on for years.

 

I didn't understand some of this.

 

But I will say this. I was in a sexless marriage (my husband's choice, not mine!) And then it turned out he was cheating on me.

 

Double-whammy to my self-esteem.

 

I also know that it isn't a competition. If I were to cheat on my spouse, I expect it to affect him. Even if he's a total jerkface for cheating on me.

 

I can't use his lack of affection for me as a reason to cheat. It increases my desire to, no doubt. No question at all there.

 

(I will say that things have improved over the year after treatment for him and MC every week. We now have regular sex although I would easily say the frequency is much lower than I would prefer.

 

Relationships can be very tough.

 

I question why you've chosen not to divorce given the fact that you look down on him so much. To the point where you've already stepped outside the relationship.

 

If you truly view him as responsible for your cheating, then why tolerate being married?

[Josmatjes]

I didn't understand some of this.

 

But I will say this. I was in a sexless marriage (my husband's choice, not mine!) And then it turned out he was cheating on me.

 

Double-whammy to my self-esteem.

 

I also know that it isn't a competition. If I were to cheat on my spouse, I expect it to affect him. Even if he's a total jerkface for cheating on me.

 

I can't use his lack of affection for me as a reason to cheat. It increases my desire to, no doubt. No question at all there.

 

(I will say that things have improved over the year after treatment for him and MC every week. We now have regular sex although I would easily say the frequency is much lower than I would prefer.

 

Relationships can be very tough.

 

I question why you've chosen not to divorce given the fact that you look down on him so much. To the point where you've already stepped outside the relationship.

 

If you truly view him as responsible for your cheating, then why tolerate being married?

 

I don't look down on him at all. I'm disappointed that he doesn't seek professional help whether it be counciling or medical. I've stood by him for years and I've always supported him. Us not divorcing right now is more financial that anything else. We are co-parenting our kids and in that respect we get along great. We just aren't in love anymore.

As far as cheating, I regret it and wish I could take it back but I can't so I'm just choosing to learn from it and move on. No one is without sin.

[ChickiePops]

I don't look down on him at all. I'm disappointed that he doesn't seek professional help whether it be counciling or medical. I've stood by him for years and I've always supported him. Us not divorcing right now is more financial that anything else. We are co-parenting our kids and in that respect we get along great. We just aren't in love anymore.

As far as cheating, I regret it and wish I could take it back but I can't so I'm just choosing to learn from it and move on. No one is without sin.

 

Does he know you're not in love with him anymore? Does he have the chance to seek sex and love outside the marriage like you have? Is he aware that you're only with him for financial reasons?

[doble]

I get it I really do. It's heartbreaking and rips your soul out. Mine was that I went no contact and he found a way and texted me nonstop for 24 hours with words of love and promises, so I met him and... (it is evident by how you write this you had sex with him, be honest)Then that was it he didn't text or call for the next three days.I've never felt used from him until this point. (Really??) So I called and he wouldn't answer soo called over and over till he finally answered and then very calmly I told him that he was an awful person and that there was a special place in hell for men like him (what about you? For what you did to your husband and family???) and to never contact me ever again....7 days ago...

 

#1 I'm not mad at anyone but myself (Sure)

#2 I'm separated

#3 this actually happened awhile ago (Define a while ago, 7 days?)

#4 I'm not blaming anyone

 

My god these men are pathetic and so needy!! My husband is moving back in w his parents hurt our marriage more than any affair could that's for sure. I had an affair because we hadn't had sex in 3 years and now it's 5.

 

 

I would bet that no contact has been broken coz of your previous posts.

Not blaming anyone? Sure if you say so. He 'found' a way to contact you. So you met him and had sex with him. That is his fault, seems to me it is on you. He got what he wanted, as did you, so who used who? He goes dark. You get mad...then call him up and yell at him. Why? He used you as he intended. Why are you upset? Pathetic, and needy? Well?

And is 7 days ago having sex with your AP a long time?

Your husband moving back into his parents home because of the separation is worse than you having an affair?

I think that both my H and my xm are both toxic men

OMG!!! Blame shifting much??????

Who are you gaslighting?

Take a look at what you wrote. What is the real truth OP?

[Josmatjes]

Does he know you're not in love with him anymore? Does he have the chance to seek sex and love outside the marriage like you have? Is he aware that you're only with him for financial reasons?

 

Yes yes and yes... I'm not just with him for finances although that is a big part of it. We are still friends and I want what's best for him. Look, I'm not deceiving him or double crossing him or gas lighting him... He's a good man and we had a good marraige but sometimes people just grow apart... So stop looking at my situation and judging me!

[ChickiePops]

Yes yes and yes... I'm not just with him for finances although that is a big part of it. We are still friends and I want what's best for him. Look, I'm not deceiving him or double crossing him or gas lighting him... He's a good man and we had a good marraige but sometimes people just grow apart... So stop looking at my situation and judging me!

 

Woah there..this is a very aggressive response to some very reasonable questions. Why so aggressive?

[Josmatjes]

Woah there..this is a very aggressive response to some very reasonable questions. Why so aggressive?

 

Lol... I don't know... I guess I thought you were interrogating me... Sorry... It was a long Monday...

[Jersey born raised]

Does your husband income enough to support two places? If not then moving in with his parents makes sense.

[sandylee1]

. Look, I'm not deceiving him or double crossing him or gas lighting him...

 

So he is aware that you slept with the OM recently then... as your not deceiving him or are the terms of your seperation such that you are both free to see others and be intimate if you choose ?

 

Now on the no sex for 3 years.. I just don't understand it. Why? Does he have such no desire at all ?

 

Is he asexual?

 

Did you used to have a good physical relationship at some point?

 

Did he just turn you down when you approached him?

 

I just find it so odd because in all my years of dating and marriage... I've not experienced that...so it must be hurtful.

 

Often a married man not interested can be cheating....though it doesn't seem that was the case or asexual or no desire ...possibly through low levels of T.

 

Does he or did he think that was normal ?

 

Sorry for all the questions.. I just wonder why a spouse thinks a sexless marriage is okay. The main thing about your situation is that you played too close to home with a friend's husband.