Saw him tonight and think I made a fool of myself

[Southern Sun]

Well at first it was every second of the day but it's whittled down so much. It's so hard facing the reality that you meant nothing. This past year a lot happened in my life,but even when he knew, he didn't reach out,and when he did he'd forget and talk about himself cause that's all he ever does. This made me shake my head and realize why would I want someone like this in my life. I think the past few months I was holding on to him out of loneliness and low self esteem. I'm done now and ready to completely let go. That's it, no more head space for him!

 

One thing that has helped me see the truth of my xMM and our "relationship" is to understand that him continuing to try to get me to re-engage was NOT a compliment. It wasn't him "wanting me." It was because he thought I was down for it. It was because he thought he could convince me, that I was easy, at least a whole lot easier than anyone else. I was a known quantity, a known risk, he knew what to say, and he knew how to leave, while keeping his foot in the door.

 

Disgusting.

 

That's just a first step of course. Then you begin to see the sad truth of everything else you did, all the pain you caused, just the worthlessness of it all. But you have to start somewhere. Don't receive his attempts as anything but an absolute affront to your dignity. He THINKS he will SUCCEED with you. Because HE HAS. So SHUT.IT.DOWN. Close all the doors, seal it tight. Correct his misunderstanding. You're not that girl anymore.

[Josmatjes]

One thing that has helped me see the truth of my xMM and our "relationship" is to understand that him continuing to try to get me to re-engage was NOT a compliment. It wasn't him "wanting me." It was because he thought I was down for it. It was because he thought he could convince me, that I was easy, at least a whole lot easier than anyone else. I was a known quantity, a known risk, he knew what to say, and he knew how to leave, while keeping his foot in the door.

 

Disgusting.

 

That's just a first step of course. Then you begin to see the sad truth of everything else you did, all the pain you caused, just the worthlessness of it all. But you have to start somewhere. Don't receive his attempts as anything but an absolute affront to your dignity. He THINKS he will SUCCEED with you. Because HE HAS. So SHUT.IT.DOWN. Close all the doors, seal it tight. Correct his misunderstanding. You're not that girl anymore.

 

Wow! Your words are true and powerful. He didn't want the real me anymore, the human, he wanted someone to put out for him. What's sad and confusing is that before dday he treated me with such regard and we weren't together physically too much. He didn't push. But way after dday the fog lifted from him, I could tell. He stopped being interested or concerned. He always asked me to send him pictures which I never ever did and many times he started saying disgusting things to me. The way you'd talk to a call girl.

 

I'm going to keep rereading your words because they give me a reason. He won't succeed with me. The last time we spoke he kept calling me prudence! But what I realized is that I wasn't a prude with him when I felt we were deeply in love, everything we did felt right. It doesn't feel right anymore so I don't partake in his word games and i always give reasons i cant see him and that is why he calls me a prude. It's sad that I did on e love him and I felt him and us had potential but his true nature showed up. I was waiting for the man I loved to show back up but now I realize he was a ghost?....

[Girlfromcali]

I think that happened with me too. When we broke up and didn't talk to each other for months and months, the whole time I was suffering while he was living his life normally.

Then when we finally started talking again he immediately started talking about having sex with me, and I was thinking that I haven't even thought about sex at all because I've been in so much pain the whole time!

 

One thing I was thinking earlier today, and I don't know if it really fits in this thread (I feel like I'm just randomly writing these things in random threads, but anyway...)

 

So, when we started talking after months and months...I knew the discrepancy of how little he was thinking about me vs. how I thought about him all the time. For some reason, I wanted him to tell me that. I knew he wasn't going to lie. So I just randomly out of the blue sent him a message saying "do you have days when you don't think about me". (I hadn't told him anything about me thinking about him constantly).

 

So he answered "I would be lying if I told you I think about every day, but I think about you often, and sometimes more than other times".

 

I knew that but it still hurt so much! I know what he means is that he thinks about me when he's horny or when he remembers the sex. That's when he thinks about me.

[Josmatjes]

I think that happened with me too. When we broke up and didn't talk to each other for months and months, the whole time I was suffering while he was living his life normally.

Then when we finally started talking again he immediately started talking about having sex with me, and I was thinking that I haven't even thought about sex at all because I've been in so much pain the whole time!

 

One thing I was thinking earlier today, and I don't know if it really fits in this thread (I feel like I'm just randomly writing these things in random threads, but anyway...)

 

So, when we started talking after months and months...I knew the discrepancy of how little he was thinking about me vs. how I thought about him all the time. For some reason, I wanted him to tell me that. I knew he wasn't going to lie. So I just randomly out of the blue sent him a message saying "do you have days when you don't think about me". (I hadn't told him anything about me thinking about him constantly).

 

So he answered "I would be lying if I told you I think about every day, but I think about you often, and sometimes more than other times".

 

I knew that but it still hurt so much! I know what he means is that he thinks about me when he's horny or when he remembers the sex. That's when he thinks about me.

 

I'm sorry he said that to you. It's so awful when you realize that that is how he now thinks of you. I wish that right after my dday I would of just gone no contact and not looked back because than at least I could remember how much in love we felt, now that it's been dragged in the mud for so long it's becoming vile the way he speaks. Everything comes back to sex and he wants to sext w me and gets pissed if I don't. He really started being a big ******* and , well, I guess that's why this time it's easier for me to let go.

 

And ya know what else, this last time I texted him to never ever text me again! At first he said your being emotional, but then he said fine I won't text you anymore. Well I think he thought I was kidding! It's his turn to feel like crap! I'm done and you are too, your better than him!

[Girlfromcali]

I know what you mean by it should've just stopped then so at least you could remember the love.

We didn't break up after dday, we just continued. Well, we didn't have a dday but he told his W. His wife said she forgives him and doesn't want to know who it was. They have known each other forever so she basically always thought he was going to cheat at some point. (Because they've only been with each other). So, after that I broke up with him. And after the break up I knew it was over. I had no hope or anything...yet I know I somehow hoped for a miracle.

But after that it has never been the same, the "love" just doesn't feel the same. And I don't want to send him pictures, either. He was always asking pictures, not just sexy pictures, but any kind of pictures..send me picture of you right now -kind a way. So then I started avoiding him and his texts. Now our texts are like "how are you" and "fine" and that's it. I am distancing myself slowly but surely.

[Josmatjes]

I know what you mean by it should've just stopped then so at least you could remember the love.

We didn't break up after dday, we just continued. Well, we didn't have a dday but he told his W. His wife said she forgives him and doesn't want to know who it was. They have known each other forever so she basically always thought he was going to cheat at some point. (Because they've only been with each other). So, after that I broke up with him. And after the break up I knew it was over. I had no hope or anything...yet I know I somehow hoped for a miracle.

But after that it has never been the same, the "love" just doesn't feel the same. And I don't want to send him pictures, either. He was always asking pictures, not just sexy pictures, but any kind of pictures..send me picture of you right now -kind a way. So then I started avoiding him and his texts. Now our texts are like "how are you" and "fine" and that's it. I am distancing myself slowly but surely.

 

It's really awful to love that deeply and than have to be friends....it's sad and it seems like it goes against nature...

 

Recently my xmm was leaving the gym and I saw him and waved, a few minutes later I get a text, saying he was heading home and that the natural progression would be to come home to me and shower and eat togetherm make love, watch a movie,fall asleep in each others arms and wake up being with one another again..... gotta go, delete..... So if this is how someone truly feels than why go home to someone you say you hate. This is why I have a hard time And it is the reason I have him blocked because these are the texts I get from him.when I read them my heart breaks into a million pieces but then I get angry..

 

Do you have mm blocked? The friendship texts are heartbreaking because you will always want more. And you memories show you that once upon a time you had more but what I think is that if it were real it would of endured.

[Girlfromcali]

You know what you're saying sounds very hurtful because you still see him. My situation is different because he lives very far away from me so there's no way that could happen between us. Thank god for that, because if I lived near him I don't know if I could resist him. So in a way I'm very lucky in that I was never really able to even have a real A because he lives the opposite side of the country and I would have to fly seven hours to see him!

 

If I had experienced what you or some other ladies here have gone through...I'd be a mess!

 

But, I am so stubborn with this trying wean myself off of him without NC. I should've done it in the beginning but now it seems useless because my feelings are naturally changing without having to block him! I think it's easier for me because like I said I never see him. I only saw him on Internet, and now I have blocked everything. I can't imagine just randomly seeing him like you do! Your situation seems much more difficult.

[Josmatjes]

You know what you're saying sounds very hurtful because you still see him. My situation is different because he lives very far away from me so there's no way that could happen between us. Thank god for that, because if I lived near him I don't know if I could resist him. So in a way I'm very lucky in that I was never really able to even have a real A because he lives the opposite side of the country and I would have to fly seven hours to see him!

 

If I had experienced what you or some other ladies here have gone through...I'd be a mess!

 

But, I am so stubborn with this trying wean myself off of him without NC. I should've done it in the beginning but now it seems useless because my feelings are naturally changing without having to block him! I think it's easier for me because like I said I never see him. I only saw him on Internet, and now I have blocked everything. I can't imagine just randomly seeing him like you do! Your situation seems much more difficult.

 

Yeah, he lives 5 blocks away and our kids go to the same school. I've skipped events or I'll park in different spots. But I know he also works like 16 hours a day so he isn't in this town a lot. It sucks but that's what you get when you make bad. Hooves and it's also why everything is still so raw. I really wish I could move.

[Josmatjes]

So I'm totally no contact and have not seen him. Been lucky so far considering how close we live. Tonight I was driving home from a store and I see him two cars ahead in the right lane and I'm in the left but I needed to get over so I slid in behind him when the cars started moving and I knew I was making a right but he was in left lane so I went into right lane and blew past him but then...ugh... I get caught at the light, no way he didn't see me ...so then light turns green and I speed off and make a right and that's it.... I was trying to say F@@K YOU!!! But I think it was more of a.." hey look at me"... God I lost it, what's wrong w me? Why couldn't I just stay where I was without him seeing me! I got all twisted!! Did I. Make a total ass of myself speeding off like that??

[Cloudcuckoo]

So I'm totally no contact and have not seen him. Been lucky so far considering how close we live. Tonight I was driving home from a store and I see him two cars ahead in the right lane and I'm in the left but I needed to get over so I slid in behind him when the cars started moving and I knew I was making a right but he was in left lane so I went into right lane and blew past him but then...ugh... I get caught at the light, no way he didn't see me ...so then light turns green and I speed off and make a right and that's it.... I was trying to say F@@K YOU!!! But I think it was more of a.." hey look at me"... God I lost it, what's wrong w me? Why couldn't I just stay where I was without him seeing me! I got all twisted!! Did I. Make a total ass of myself speeding off like that??

 

 

I don't think you need to be concerned about it.

 

Does it really matter? You're not in contact with him anymore.

 

You seem to be doing so well, don't give the incident any of your attention.

[Maggie888]

I doubt he thought much of it

[Lobe]

~insert Pusheen cat on skateboard riding away from ur bullsh*t like toodaloo meme here~

 

I think you did brilliantly. If you can't avoid ever seeing him again, at least make sure you're always going the opposite direction.

[loveisanaction]

I read a post a few months ago; the title was very similar to yours. The other woman in this case had been broken up with her ex-married man for a few months. One night she found herself in the same bar as him, he was with another woman. The OP walked up to them and got into an argument with her ex-married man; when the woman asked the OP who she was the OP head- butted her. The OP came on the forum asking for advice on what to do.

 

When I read the title of your post I was expecting something similar.

 

You did nothing out of the ordinary, dust it off and keep on stepping.

[Poppy47]

More in your mind than his.

 

 

Poppy.

[rumblefish12]

Hey -- no need to be down on yourself. From your description it was a non-issue. On the subject of progress and sliding back though, I've found this amazing book. So Henri Nouwen called the inner Voice of Love. So he's a spiritual writer I always liked. While he's christian, it's not too "churchy" and more about anyone's relationship with whatever you believe in. I can get with that.

 

So I came across references to this book in an affair article online. I was floored because I love this writer. Well the creation of the book is only talked about in generalities, but there are a lot of references to demanding more of a relationship than the other could provide. Basically I think this guy got his heart smashed and he had never given his heart to anyone being a religious person. So it appears to have resulted in like a totally debilitating depression, which several friends and colleagues had to interevene to get him to address. He "went away" to try to get a grip on it. So, this was his personal notebook from that "time away." And it's amazing and if you are suffering after an affair, particularly a WS or AP, withdrawing after NC, this book is crazy powerful.

 

The story suggests that it was more personal but he let his publisher read it who said this is too amazing to not make available to help people. So it was edited to avoid any personal detail (talking about his love interest) but there are many references to demanding more of someone than they are capable of giving, or circumstances, or whatever. In general terms it talks about our role without making the partner at fault. And significantly here there's a really good section on making progress and falling back:

 

"When suddenly you seem to lose all you thought you had gained, do not despair. Your healing is not a straight line. You must expect setbacks and regressions. Dont say to yourself, "All is lost. I have to start all over again." This is not true. What you have gained, you have gained....It is important not to dwell on the small moments when you feel pulled away from your progress. Try to return home, to the solid place within you. Immediately. Otherwise, these moments start connecting with similar moments, and together they become powerful enough to pull you far away from the road. Try to remain alert to seemingly innocuous distractions. it is easier to return to the road when you are the should than when you are pulled all the way into a nearby swamp .... You've been given companions on the journey to help you return to the ROAD TO FREEDOM."

 

I'm paraphrasing a little bit, but it certainly fits us on our ROAD and helping one another! Thank you all.

 

So I'm totally no contact and have not seen him. Been lucky so far considering how close we live. Tonight I was driving home from a store and I see him two cars ahead in the right lane and I'm in the left but I needed to get over so I slid in behind him when the cars started moving and I knew I was making a right but he was in left lane so I went into right lane and blew past him but then...ugh... I get caught at the light, no way he didn't see me ...so then light turns green and I speed off and make a right and that's it.... I was trying to say F@@K YOU!!! But I think it was more of a.." hey look at me"... God I lost it, what's wrong w me? Why couldn't I just stay where I was without him seeing me! I got all twisted!! Did I. Make a total ass of myself speeding off like that??