Saw him tonight and think I made a fool of myself

[Josmatjes]

My affairs been over for awhile. My last contact with him I told him he was a lieing pos and to f... Off! But I still run into them at school events and I try to stay focused and calm, and I only see them our of the corner of my eye I never look! But I feel like she has bad mouthed me to people, and no one has ever said anything but it's a general feeling I get. I've always had a good reputation and I have always been nice to everyone and now I just feel like I want to crawl into a hole ! Does anyone else feel this way? Most days I'm strong but this A changed me in ways I never thought possible! I do not trust anyone! I'm always looking over my shoulder! I get anxious a lot! This is the absolute worst thing I've ever done abd I'll regret it till the day I die!!

[goodyblue]

My affairs been over for awhile. My last contact with him I told him he was a lieing pos and to f... Off! But I still run into them at school events and I try to stay focused and calm, and I only see them our of the corner of my eye I never look! But I feel like she has bad mouthed me to people, and no one has ever said anything but it's a general feeling I get. I've always had a good reputation and I have always been nice to everyone and now I just feel like I want to crawl into a hole ! Does anyone else feel this way? Most days I'm strong but this A changed me in ways I never thought possible! I do not trust anyone! I'm always looking over my shoulder! I get anxious a lot! This is the absolute worst thing I've ever done abd I'll regret it till the day I die!!

 

I really worried about this, and what we did was worse, he divorced and I am sure his ex thinks I am a whore who stole her husband.

 

What we did was just ignore it. Things like this usually blow over. I doubt that everyone is talking about you but I certainly know how it feels to wonder if they are!

 

Now is the time to rise above, hold your head high and remember you are every bit as good as they are. Anyone who treats you shabily is not worth the emotional energy.

 

Hang in there.

[Artie Lang]

i might have missed it, but does she actually know you had an affair with her husband?

Edited September 22, 2015 by Artie Lang

[gettingstronger]

Hi fellow suburbanite

 

Luckily we have short attention spans and the next bit of drama is around the corner- hang in there- it will pass-someone will do something that catches everyones attention and your turn in the center will be done- until then- hang in there and keep being who you have always been-

 

We all make mistakes and remember there are others that have done the same thing-its shocking at first, but like everything in suburbia- it has a short shelf life-

[Tullyseptember]

You are not branded, I know that feeling though and for myself it was how I coped with having been in an affair. It took a long while to shift negative thoughts into positive ones. There is a lot to learn about ourselves when we betray our significant others and ourselves. Who we thought we were and how nice we can be can be shattered beyond recognition. You will need to learn to trust yourself again, the affair shakes you to the core and really it's not about trusting others it's about trusting who you are as person and what you value

[whatatangledweb]

I thought he hadn't told her it was you.

[privategal]

All that matters is today...and your future.

Its an aweful mistake but as mentioned prior, one many have made, and one that in time you will see made you stronger.

Take the time to make peace with yourself and continue to do great things for people displaying compassion, giving forgiveness, finding new ways to live better, even the tinier things like holding doors and elevators and donating to charity helps.

Dont give your self a life sentence and dont wallow. Soon it will be indifference on your end. Its hurtful to everyone but you dont have to keep looking back or punishing yourself.

Be positive polite and kind and allow for time to keep workingto rebuild. That was then this is now.

[Josmatjes]

i might have missed it, but does she actually know you had an affair with her husband?

 

She knows he was with someone and suspects me. I denied it because she's awful now so I can't imagine what would happen if she knew. But like I've said before, it doesn't matter who he was with. Turns our he as had a few liaisons...which I found out afterwards....makes me sick now....his wife blames all the woman but he is a innocent... Crazy....

[Rainbowlove]

I've found that people have their own lives and could care less about something that happened yesterday.

 

It's likely they are already talking about the next affair with the so and so's.

 

Why are you still hanging on to any of this? That's the bigger question in my mind.

 

Hanging on to any of it is not useful or helpful. You have to find a way to move through it and beyond it all.

[Ms. Faust]

She knows he was with someone and suspects me. I denied it because she's awful now so I can't imagine what would happen if she knew. But like I've said before, it doesn't matter who he was with. Turns our he as had a few liaisons...which I found out afterwards....makes me sick now....his wife blames all the woman but he is a innocent... Crazy....

 

Oh, I am sure she has let him have it behind the scenes. If she is as whacked out and awful as you say she is, I seriously doubt she is letting him off the hook of anything. But really, can you blame her? Infidelity is enough to make the most sane person commit heinous acts; if this is not his first rodeo and she's chosen to stick around it's no surprise that she is terrible to him. Years of gaslighting, deception, broken promises tends to do that to a person, lol.

 

Anyway, when the spouses choose to reconcile it is not uncommon to take a LOT of anger out on the affair partner. It's pretty understandable: they have to take that anger and devastation out somewhere and they can only direct so much at the cheating spouse.

[ladydesigner]

Oh, I am sure she has let him have it behind the scenes. If she is as whacked out and awful as you say she is, I seriously doubt she is letting him off the hook of anything. But really, can you blame her? Infidelity is enough to make the most sane person commit heinous acts; if this is not his first rodeo and she's chosen to stick around it's no surprise that she is terrible to him. Years of gaslighting, deception, broken promises tends to do that to a person, lol.

 

Anyway, when the spouses choose to reconcile it is not uncommon to take a LOT of anger out on the affair partner. It's pretty understandable: they have to take that anger and devastation out somewhere and they can only direct so much at the cheating spouse.

 

^^^This! I wouldn't worry either! Over time she will realize that her husband is the one to place the blame on.

 

Just an fyi I didn't let my WS off the hook for anything. He has suffered ALMOST as much as I have.

 

Just keep the focus on you and your happiness. It shouldn't matter what they think.

[Josmatjes]

I've found that people have their own lives and could care less about something that happened yesterday.

 

It's likely they are already talking about the next affair with the so and so's.

 

Why are you still hanging on to any of this? That's the bigger question in my mind.

 

Hanging on to any of it is not useful or helpful. You have to find a way to move through it and beyond it all.

 

If you read what I wrote you'd see I am over it, but when you have kids that are in some of the same classes and you see each other it very difficult. I have moved thought it until I see them...

 

On my birthday back in August she passed me in her car and called me a cunt....umm yeah my daughter was in the car! She was asking me " mommy why did ....... Give you that Nast look? And what did she say?

 

So you see it's easier said than done....

[Artie Lang]

but why would she call you a c*nt? other than being a total WACKO, she must suspect enough to throw out that type of barb. it just doesn't make sense that you'd perceive her to be labeling you without merit. she knows something... or at least suspects something.

 

i wouldn't be surprised if he told her you were interesting and he spurned your advances. i can only imagine, if and when she finds out you were also a notch on his belt- brace yourself.

[MuddyFootprints]

Shoulders down and head up. You don't need to smile and wave, but you do need to meet a gaze directly. Carry on with your own business.

 

*It's none of your business what 'they' think of you.

[daisygirl19]

I feel your pain. I live it. I can't avoid the BS and sometimes I feel like she goes out of her way to make sure of it. She has badmouthed me to many in our community, has asked mutual friends and acquaintances not to include my daughter in parties her daughter is also invited to. The list goes on. But at the end of the day, I just try to keep my head up and act as normally as possible. I don't want to give her any indication that it bothers me or affects me in any way. It's taken a lot for me to get to this point. I think for a while, I felt like I deserved her "wrath", but no more. I've blocked her from my phone and we don't acknowledge each other in public any more. In time, people will forget and move on to the next juicy story. Until then, you can only control how you handle the situation. Hang in there!!

[Rainbowlove]

If you read what I wrote you'd see I am over it, but when you have kids that are in some of the same classes and you see each other it very difficult. I have moved thought it until I see them...

 

On my birthday back in August she passed me in her car and called me a cunt....umm yeah my daughter was in the car! She was asking me " mommy why did ....... Give you that Nast look? And what did she say?

 

So you see it's easier said than done....

 

The fact that you are flip in your response to me, Jos, tells me you are NOT over it.

 

If you were truly over the whole ordeal, nothing anyone says about you or the affair would bother you. Nothing.

 

Best to you.

Edited September 23, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[ladydesigner]

If you read what I wrote you'd see I am over it, but when you have kids that are in some of the same classes and you see each other it very difficult. I have moved thought it until I see them...

 

On my birthday back in August she passed me in her car and called me a cunt....umm yeah my daughter was in the car! She was asking me " mommy why did ....... Give you that Nast look? And what did she say?

 

So you see it's easier said than done....

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. She should not have said that in front of your daughter, or really period because it only makes her look bad.

 

Anytime you see him, her or really anything that reminds you of the A, it could be a smell or a song, etc you will probably trigger until you have healed. Even long after a traumatic event (and I consider the ending of A's or Ddays traumatic events) I feel a person can trigger.

 

I think OW most likely have triggers just like BS's do.

[MJJean]

Having been a WW who was open about it, I can say that the other posters are right.

 

Yes, people are probably talking about you. It's juicy gossip. "Did she have an affair with BW's H?" Everyone gets to speculate and they're all hoping some new info comes to light proving their theory of what happened so they can nod wisely and say "I told you! I knew it!"

 

And, yes, in time a new piece of juicy gossip will materialize and the conversations about you will die off. But what they think/know you did will always be there as long as you're in that area. Just because they stop talking about it after a while doesn't mean they forget.

 

There are going to be some people who will avoid you because they don't believe you are a moral person and they don't want to be around you. There will be some who avoid you because they think you aren't trustworthy. Women will think you'll go after their husbands, even if you wouldn't touch him in a million years. Men will think you'll convince their wives to cheat, too.

 

Me? I moved on literally! While my ex and I were separated and waiting to file for the divorce, I lived with my AP in a nearby subdivision. The neighbors there knew me and my AP as a couple first and that I was separated and waiting on a divorce was secondary. Same city, but different schools. Living with someone not my H raised some eyebrows, but nothing like being known as the married chick who never stopped dating.

 

While we lived in that house, the divorce was completed and my AP and I married. We then moved to a new city and bought a house where everyone just knows us as a married couple where the wife (me) was previously married and had two kids with her ex. Nothing juicy there.

 

My family and friends all knew about my extramarital activities and they used to talk behind my back, but it didn't bother me because I was open and honest about it. They didn't really have a whole lot to say because there was nothing much to speculate about.

 

For a while there was some speculation among the friends an family about whether I'd file divorce or not, but that ended when I filed. Then they were wondering if my AP and I would get married, but that ended when we got married two months after the divorce was final. And I'm sure there was a betting pool about how long it would last, but we're at the 15 year mark, so...

 

 

All you can do is carry on with your life and move on.

[Lobouspo]

You had an affair with her husband. Can you not blame her for hating you and spreading the word what you did?

[Josmatjes]

The fact that you are flip in your response to me, Jos, tells me you are NOT over it.

 

If you were truly over the whole ordeal, nothing anyone says about you or the affair would bother you. Nothing.

 

Best to you.

 

My answer wasn't flip. I am over him, but I'm not over what happened. There's a difference.

[Got it]

The fact that you are flip in your response to me, Jos, tells me you are NOT over it.

 

If you were truly over the whole ordeal, nothing anyone says about you or the affair would bother you. Nothing.

 

Best to you.

 

I disagree. She is calling her foul names in front of her child. She can be over her feelings for the MM but not over the wife acting inappropriately herself. I mean, seriously? I think people seek out actions that prove OW never get over things.

 

OP - if she continues you can calmly go on the offensive and threaten her with legal action. Tell her she needs to knock it off and/or have an attorney send her a cease and desist letter. Silence/ignore as much as you can but you do have options.

[Dancewithme]

You had an affair with her husband. Can you not blame her for hating you and spreading the word what you did?[/

 

When you have a relationship with someone else's husband, this is what you sign up for.

 

It's on you to decide if you can ride it out,head held high, and ignore the gossip.

Or move on, fresh start. Different school, different neighborhood. That can be expensive and inconvenient, however. But, your daughter will eventually find out what you did. With all the talk about you going on, it's just a matter of time. In my experience,kids know what's going on in the adult world, and love to talk. I learned so much of the neighborhood gossip not only from friends, but my kids' friends.

[Rainbowlove]

My answer wasn't flip. I am over him, but I'm not over what happened. There's a difference.

 

My point exactly...I said "the whole ordeal"...

 

When you are truly over the whole affair, there's nothing anyone (MW or MM) can say to you to bother you...

 

I'm glad you can see you are not over it. That means you haven't truly forgiven yourself yet.

[sandylee1]

If you read what I wrote you'd see I am over it, but when you have kids that are in some of the same classes and you see each other it very difficult. I have moved thought it until I see them...

 

On my birthday back in August she passed me in her car and called me a cunt....umm yeah my daughter was in the car! She was asking me " mommy why did ....... Give you that Nast look? And what did she say?

 

So you see it's easier said than done....

 

She wouldn't say this if she wasn't sure about it. You don't call out such a horrible word on suspicion alone. She knows it was you.

 

The affairs which involve kids and families who are friends are the worst. The whole party exclusion thing happened in my DDs school as well. The mom, also the MW/OW of reported it to the headteacher, about her dd being excluded and saying it was a form of bullying. Unfortunately the Head refused to get involved.

 

If anyone must have an affair, go far from home, not with other school parents because seeing kids suffer as a result is really sad.

 

Another OW took her kids out of the school in the end, but the MM left his wife for her and eve though none of the kids knew about the A then, it was just a matter of time before it got out and it would have been unpleasant for all. The BW didn't actually broadcast it, because she confided that she felt ashamed and embarrassed especially as he left her and their 3 kids.

[OldRover]

My point exactly...I said "the whole ordeal"...

 

When you are truly over the whole affair, there's nothing anyone (MW or MM) can say to you to bother you...

 

I'm glad you can see you are not over it. That means you haven't truly forgiven yourself yet.

 

Disagree. She can be over him, but not over the name calling and rumors.

 

OP: Keep you head up, don't say anything bad about them, and don't get in any discussion about this. If someone mentions it, just say, it's a bunch of rumors and not up for discussion, and leave it. It will eventually fade, but not easy. It'a not a lot different that if a close couple breaks up and they bad mouth each other.