Saw him tonight and think I made a fool of myself

[ChickiePops]

So he is aware that you slept with the OM recently then... as your not deceiving him or are the terms of your seperation such that you are both free to see others and be intimate if you choose ?

 

Now on the no sex for 3 years.. I just don't understand it. Why? Does he have such no desire at all ?

 

Is he asexual?

 

Did you used to have a good physical relationship at some point?

 

Did he just turn you down when you approached him?

 

I just find it so odd because in all my years of dating and marriage... I've not experienced that...so it must be hurtful.

 

Often a married man not interested can be cheating....though it doesn't seem that was the case or asexual or no desire ...possibly through low levels of T.

 

Does he or did he think that was normal ?

 

Sorry for all the questions.. I just wonder why a spouse thinks a sexless marriage is okay. The main thing about your situation is that you played too close to home with a friend's husband.

 

I do understand the sexless relationship. My guy is currently out of work and depressed and we haven't had sex in quite a while..and we aren't even married.

 

It is extremely painful. It does feel like constant rejection and it makes me feel ugly and disgusting. If the OP truly is in a sexless marriage and her husband is happy to let her sleep with other men then good for her. I just wish she had made better choices in suitable men...but I'm sure she wishes that too.

[Josmatjes]

My husband has never been good with communicating. I think our sex life has never been that great. Than over the years it declined to once a month then once every six months then once a year then nothing for two years then three years!! If I tried to talk to him he said I was keeping track, writing it in a calendar, a nymph...unless you have been rejected this way by someone you truly love than you don't know the misery you endure. Society and family tell you to stick by your husband... Well we went to therapists and he always acted like it was my problem and my imagination. I know it's hard for men to talk about it but maybe if he had opened up 20 years I wouldn't be separated right now. I think for me that the hurt consumed me and there was no one left to talk to and I just didn't care anymore. He can get up early on the weekends to go fishing but he is too tired to be with me when we haven't touched in years... I felt betrayed.. And yes I handled it badly and I have regrets about it but even after the A he still didn't want to be with me. It's like I can't be with anyone else but he doesn't want me... I'm just numb..

[gettingstronger]

My husband has never been good with communicating. I think our sex life has never been that great. Than over the years it declined to once a month then once every six months then once a year then nothing for two years then three years!! If I tried to talk to him he said I was keeping track, writing it in a calendar, a nymph...unless you have been rejected this way by someone you truly love than you don't know the misery you endure. Society and family tell you to stick by your husband... Well we went to therapists and he always acted like it was my problem and my imagination. I know it's hard for men to talk about it but maybe if he had opened up 20 years I wouldn't be separated right now. I think for me that the hurt consumed me and there was no one left to talk to and I just didn't care anymore. He can get up early on the weekends to go fishing but he is too tired to be with me when we haven't touched in years... I felt betrayed.. And yes I handled it badly and I have regrets about it but even after the A he still didn't want to be with me. It's like I can't be with anyone else

but he doesn't want me... I'm just numb..

 

 

That does sound difficult- perhaps he fell out of romantic love for you long before you did with him- the AP is also not the romantic type love you seek- I know this is a painful time for you, rejection hurts- and I hope that when you heal you find that romantic love you crave-

[Jersey born raised]

"even after the A, he still doesn't want to be with me.". What makes you think the "A" would inspire him to be with you?

 

It seems like your husband can not do anything right in your eyes and your AP except for staying with his wife can do no wrong.

 

Is he still staying with his parents? Is the reason so his children can stay in the family home?

[ladydesigner]

My husband has never been good with communicating. I think our sex life has never been that great. Than over the years it declined to once a month then once every six months then once a year then nothing for two years then three years!! If I tried to talk to him he said I was keeping track, writing it in a calendar, a nymph...unless you have been rejected this way by someone you truly love than you don't know the misery you endure. Society and family tell you to stick by your husband... Well we went to therapists and he always acted like it was my problem and my imagination. I know it's hard for men to talk about it but maybe if he had opened up 20 years I wouldn't be separated right now. I think for me that the hurt consumed me and there was no one left to talk to and I just didn't care anymore. He can get up early on the weekends to go fishing but he is too tired to be with me when we haven't touched in years... I felt betrayed.. And yes I handled it badly and I have regrets about it but even after the A he still didn't want to be with me. It's like I can't be with anyone else but he doesn't want me... I'm just numb..

 

this would be hard for anybody man or woman. Your BS should have sought out some kind of sex therapy for the both of you. Even touching each other with no sex is better than nothing at all. I have never been in this situation so I cannot say how I would react to it. A nymph??? for wanting sex...geeesh it wasn't like you were hounding him every night for it. My WH said he had his A because we did not have sex often (we had sex 2-3 times a week). He was never home and I started to withdraw from being engaged in sex, which came at my demise.

 

I'm sorry (((Josmatjes)))

[Josmatjes]

A few months back my Xmm said to me in a text"you are a great escape at the least and the brightest spot in my life aside from my kids!"

I took this as I was just an a escape from his reality once in awhile and I got insulted and he said I took it wrong.... What do you all think?

[EMT girl]

Well, what do you think he should have been saying? You were his OW, the person he had on the side so his reality was less real.

 

You took it how he said it, which wasn't a declaration of undying love and need. You helped him think of something other than his wife and kids.

 

I take it you're broken off with him?

[Maddieandtae]

I think it doesn't matter what he meant Jos, what matters is what you think and too not give the ex-married man anymore headspace. You have better things to fill that space with?

[BuddyX]

Ok, this was couple months ago. Please tell me your still not talking to this looser?

[Gloria25]

Well, what do you think he should have been saying? You were his OW, the person he had on the side so his reality was less real.

 

You took it how he said it, which wasn't a declaration of undying love and need. You helped him think of something other than his wife and kids.

 

I take it you're broken off with him?

 

It means that you're a distraction from his reality - his wife and kids.

 

What is there about this that is positive? I mean, at the end of the day you're a "distraction" and his wife and kids are his "reality".

[whichwayisup]

A few months back my Xmm said to me in a text"you are a great escape at the least and the brightest spot in my life aside from my kids!"

I took this as I was just an a escape from his reality once in awhile and I got insulted and he said I took it wrong.... What do you all think?

 

I think he meant it in the nicest way but really it means you're his breath of fresh air and bring light into his life but not enough to change his life and have that light all the time. You are his fantasy, something he can't have fully. It's selfish, it's all about him, notice that?

[Poppy47]

I wouldn't like that either. It means you have no real place in his life... which you don't.

 

PLease don't be his fantasy....

 

Poppy.

[oceansaway]

You are correct. You are just a emotional distraction from his every day boring life of wife and kids. You offer excitement

[Forceawakensme]

Eww.. an 'escape' .. i wouldn't like that at all. Like a holiday or a reality tv show. You enjoy it, reflect on it and then get back to real life. Real life is solid, its where you produce and build and ultimately return back to every time. Everything else is fleeting and replaceable. --- Hon, be glad he showed you his true colors with that statement! -- its much easier to heal and move on when they say something like that, instead of 'you are the love of my life.. i want you to be my real life.. i want to marry you' -- i was always mush when my xMM said something like that.. even if he didn't mean it, it was those types of phrases that packed an emotional punch. Escape? Distraction? -- Pfft.. nope, next!!))

 

ps -- I understand poring over old things they said.. i think its part of healing, making sense of everything, processing it all, not pushing it down. See him for the egocentric loser that he is as you move on to greener pastures.

[sandylee1]

I think he said it as it is/was for him and is what a great deal of MM think but they wouldn't have the guts to say it. At least he's not future faking you. He was being honest with you.

[Josmatjes]

I agree with everyone but it's so funny that the minute you get what they are saying they try to gaslight you into telling you that your reading it wrong. That's how these guys operate. All gas lighting. No I'm not seeing him anymore just coming to terms that it wasn't love, it was just a void being filled. They make you feel like the only woman in the world and then it's like they say, oops made a imistake," and your left broken and wondering it it meant anything.

[BuddyX]

Good girl. That's awesome you're not under his spell.

 

While I believe in 100% total NC, I recently heard of a story where the W really let the xMM have it (he did not want to leave her alone).

She wrote this descriptive email on how she ment a new single guy who treats her right and so on. And also threw in a PS. "My experience with my boyfriend made me realize how small of a package you had"

 

lol. Mic Drop. Guess what? Not a single peep.

[Gloria25]

Good girl. That's awesome you're not under his spell.

 

While I believe in 100% total NC, I recently heard of a story where the W really let the xMM have it (he did not want to leave her alone).

She wrote this descriptive email on how she ment a new single guy who treats her right and so on. And also threw in a PS. "My experience with my boyfriend made me realize how small of a package you had"

 

lol. Mic Drop. Guess what? Not a single peep.

 

Love it!!!

[Southern Sun]

What makes this perfect is that he probably really did think he was paying you some amazing compliment..."my escape." Come on...don't ya wanna be my escape, Jos?? **as he revels in his mightiness**

 

Dumb butt (him, not you)

[sandylee1]

I agree with everyone but it's so funny that the minute you get what they are saying they try to gaslight you into telling you that your reading it wrong.

 

That's the same gaslighting done to BWs when they suspect an affair.

 

They become gaslighting masters.

[Josmatjes]

That's the same gaslighting done to BWs when they suspect an affair.

 

They become gaslighting masters.

 

It's true. I struggle with that also. Sometimes or actually a lot of the time I feel bad because I was apart of the gaslighting and that's not who I am. But then I think that she is fully aware of who she married and I'm now living my own life. But for the life of me I still don't get how they can still send these texts... It's just weird.. Like he's not playing with a full deck or something.

[Cymbeline]

' It's just weird.. Like he's not playing with a full deck or something.'

 

Bingo. You've nailed it.

[2016forme]

A few months back my Xmm said to me in a text"you are a great escape at the least and the brightest spot in my life aside from my kids!"

I took this as I was just an a escape from his reality once in awhile and I got insulted and he said I took it wrong.... What do you all think?

 

It sounds like your ex MM is trying to lure you into a major disaster with him. If he only looks at you as being his favorite past time, then your precious time with this guy is not worth it. Trust me. In the long run, the fun and excitement of having an illicit affair is only temporary. The heart ache and pain is so not worth it. Plus, weekends and holidays are usually the worst for the OW cause she is second and she cannot spend time with her MM.

 

Please don't settle for less and remain second best. His wife gets everything, What do you get from him in the end? Nothing. Affairs with MM are toxic, dangerous and addictive. If this guy will not leave his marriage, he will never put you first.

Cheers!

[Josmatjes]

My dday was almost two years ago and contact with him has been minimal at best. I've gone through such a horrific range of emotions. Two years ago it was shame and depression than there was anger. Then there was confusion when he started texting again and anger that he kept trying to pull me in. Sometimes I was weak and sometimes I was strong. I'm only human and he knew exactly what to say.

I've done so so many things to heal myself and also just try to be a better person all around. I guess subconsciously I'm trying to make up for being an awful person. Anyway that's how I feel. I live a good, clean, fairly fulfilling life now even though I'm lonely, but I believe better days are ahead for me. I still get anxious and stressed about the affair and it comes on out of nowhere. Don't even know what triggers it.

Anyway today my phone rings and it's his wife! I didn't answer but my hands started shaking uncontrollably and I felt like I was going to pass out. It's two years already! I know it's her right and I feel awful for it, I truly wish I could do something for her but she is still with him so that's her life. When am I going to live a day without hating myself and feeling guilt? I feel like I committed the ultimate sin and that people can look at me and tell. Weird right?

 

Anyway thank you for listening to my rant I really need to vent and maybe find people going through these emotions.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe she found out about the contact? You say you two have had limited contact so my guess is, that's why she called.

 

J, please change your number. That guarantees 100 percent that neither of them can call you ever again. Block him on all social media and most of all, end all contact with him for good. He serves no purpose in your life anymore, any contact even if so limited IS damaging to you and preventing you from totally moving on and ridding him out of your head.

 

Stay strong.