Saw him tonight and think I made a fool of myself

[whatatangledweb]

You said before you had been with him not long back. Your affair seems to be off and on the last two years. I would say she found something and that is why she called.

[Girlfromcali]

Even if your contact is minimal, the healing starts from the moment of total NC. It means that you cannot have any contact, not even one second glance of him on any social media, reading old letters, or anything that can trigger. Every single thing that reminds you of him brings you new pain. The point of NC is that there won't be any new pain.

So to answer to your question, it will never end until there is absolute NC from anything/everything that reminds you of him.

[Poppy47]

Hello J,

 

You and half the human race are guilty of committing that sin. Look up some statistics and then add some. Stop beating yourself up and start doing something positive.

 

Have you spoken to his wife before? Maybe she is not happy either.

 

Poppy.

[winterkeep]

Hi J,

 

I understand where you are coming from, being involved with mm changed how I view myself too.

 

It sounds as though you have slowly whittled your contact down into a few hits which is only holding you back from really moving on to a more authentic life, not to mention that you deserve to be more than an afterthought to someone you still care about.

 

It's time to cut him out for good, a reformed drug user who still takes a few hits every now and then is still a drug user and this situation is keeping you in unhappiness.

 

As far as his wife contacting you goes I'd block her, self flagellation by talking to her is probably very tempting but you already know what you did was wrong and you want to move on, there's nothing she can say that will make any of this better. Like you identified, she made the choice to stay- she needs to own all aspects of that as well and that means that she needs to let you move on and live your life too. It may be that she has discovered the continual contact but the best thing you can do for both she and you is to go complete NC with them both.

 

No one deserves to be painted with a permanent Scarlett A, not if they make real efforts to work on themselves and to move on so stop punishing yourself. You do need to stop contact with him though before you can claim to have really moved on.

[Josmatjes]

Hi J,

 

I understand where you are coming from, being involved with mm changed how I view myself too.

 

It sounds as though you have slowly whittled your contact down into a few hits which is only holding you back from really moving on to a more authentic life, not to mention that you deserve to be more than an afterthought to someone you still care about.

 

It's time to cut him out for good, a reformed drug user who still takes a few hits every now and then is still a drug user and this situation is keeping you in unhappiness.

 

As far as his wife contacting you goes I'd block her, self flagellation by talking to her is probably very tempting but you already know what you did was wrong and you want to move on, there's nothing she can say that will make any of this better. Like you identified, she made the choice to stay- she needs to own all aspects of that as well and that means that she needs to let you move on and live your life too. It may be that she has discovered the continual contact but the best thing you can do for both she and you is to go complete NC with them both.

 

No one deserves to be painted with a permanent Scarlett A, not if they make real efforts to work on themselves and to move on so stop punishing yourself. You do need to stop contact with him though before you can claim to have really moved on.

 

This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I think somewhere in my head I convinced myself that it was real and that we would be together, but I don't know what the hell I was thinking. If he hasn't left by now it isn't ever happening. I know he holds onto me because of an ego boost and that's just texting. Over the past year though I refused to answer him if it was inappropriate texts and he would get angry at me. That's when I really knew it was over but that I had a real problem with moving on. I don't know why it was so hard to walk away from someone that treats you like garbage.

 

Thank you for your words. Everyone on this site tells the truth whether you want to hear it or not!

[bigman1]

You get a lot of flack, both deserved and maybe some not so much. Still, I gotta say this. I don't mean it to be hurtful.

 

You are getting second, no make that third best, in life. Until you become convinced of your worth you are going to be miserable. Your MM has told you directly, indirectly and every way possible that you are a "thing" to him. You are a diversion, you are lots of stuff, but you are not a person. Sure he talked, talks or messages you. You are human. That is the limit. You are a thing.

 

You accepted it. You pine over him. You question stuff that you should not be entertaining at all. You claim that your marriage had all of these problems and cheating was the result and separation as well. The thing is, and this is harsh, YOU were part of all of that.

 

You were part of the "so called" messed up marriage. You were part of the affair. You are a part of whatever this thing is that you are presently involved in with both your "husband" and "ExMM". I use quotes because it is really not clear what anyone's status happens to be.

 

In either event, until you figure out why you have been in both places with both men and remain where you are now, you will continue to languish. Your ExMM has made it clear what status you have. Rather than figure out what is wrong with you, you look for what he could possibly mean, what are his motives, what does he think, where is he going, etc.

 

I will let you in on a secret, men like him will keep women like you hanging on. the reason is simple, they don't have to work to do it. While I have no sympathy for cheaters, I will say this, I have tremendous sympathy for people who are just lost.

 

You are just lost. Find you. Now you in terms of a relationship. Just you. I really say this for your kids, because, you would be surprised at what they learn from their parents. Your kids do not need to learn worthlessness, self loathing, weakness and dependence from you. Find yourself and amazingly, your problems written on this board will vanish because you will make them disappear.

[2016forme]

My dday was almost two years ago and contact with him has been minimal at best. I've gone through such a horrific range of emotions. Two years ago it was shame and depression than there was anger. Then there was confusion when he started texting again and anger that he kept trying to pull me in. Sometimes I was weak and sometimes I was strong. I'm only human and he knew exactly what to say.

I've done so so many things to heal myself and also just try to be a better person all around. I guess subconsciously I'm trying to make up for being an awful person. Anyway that's how I feel. I live a good, clean, fairly fulfilling life now even though I'm lonely, but I believe better days are ahead for me. I still get anxious and stressed about the affair and it comes on out of nowhere. Don't even know what triggers it.

Anyway today my phone rings and it's his wife! I didn't answer but my hands started shaking uncontrollably and I felt like I was going to pass out. It's two years already! I know it's her right and I feel awful for it, I truly wish I could do something for her but she is still with him so that's her life. When am I going to live a day without hating myself and feeling guilt? I feel like I committed the ultimate sin and that people can look at me and tell. Weird right?

 

Anyway thank you for listening to my rant I really need to vent and maybe find people going through these emotions.

 

Dear J,

 

I must say congrats on taking the steps towards ending your relationship with your MM. You don't deserve to keep beating yourself up over . You are trying to improve yourself. You are in transition of moving away from a bad situation.

 

I think it is normal to have a range of emotions. Sometimes you are going to feel on top of the world, like you can conquer everything.

 

Sometimes you may feel topsy-turvy like everything is going against you.

 

It's good that you got out of this situation before it became more than what you can humanly handle.

 

Sadly, in your learning to break away from the MM, this guy feels that he knows your ups and downs. He feels he knows your weak spots and that he can slowly convince you and work his way back into you life.

 

Please do yourself a favor and do not allow yourself to remain "wide open". This MM is trying to run his game on you!

 

It is not fair to you because the MM is not going to feel remorse for manipulating you time after time. MM wants the best of both worlds. He wants his wife, his white picket fence, the house, the car, the kids and the dog and cat at home.

 

On the flip side, he wants you as an extra outlet.

 

I know that by the time you get through reading these posts, you will find the courage within yourself to say enough is enough already. "I'm not gonna keep playing cat and mouse with this MM.

 

Just look at it like this. You are trying to reach closure so you can proceed forward with your life. You deserve that!

 

As far as his wife calling you, she may want to"talk". But I would not trust that the moment I see it.

 

You can either ignore those calls or change your number. What ever you do, love yourself and do what's best for you.

 

For the MM, he will just have to get upset that you are not answering his calls.He can't have his way. Let him be the one to deal with that.It's not your problem.

 

There is nothing wrong with counseling. It doesn't mean you are crazy or guilty of anything.

 

You are putting your best foot forward.

 

Best of luck to you! Hugs! The best days are ahead.

[bigman1]

As far as the wife calling you is concerned, well that is also complicated.

 

I think that she is realizing who he is and she is trying to find herself. She has more entanglements with him, so it is far more complicated for her to find herself.

 

She hates you and a lot of that is misplaced anger and blame. It should be towards him. Unfortunately, she can't let him go, but she can keep you as a target.

 

She may be trying to figure out what is going on. Hopefully, she will see that while she is competing with you for this guy in the end he is no prize and she will quit the competition. She has more in the game right now, but eventually, hopefully, she will realize that what she has to lose pales in comparison with what she has to gain by letting him go.

[Josmatjes]

You get a lot of flack, both deserved and maybe some not so much. Still, I gotta say this. I don't mean it to be hurtful.

 

You are getting second, no make that third best, in life. Until you become convinced of your worth you are going to be miserable. Your MM has told you directly, indirectly and every way possible that you are a "thing" to him. You are a diversion, you are lots of stuff, but you are not a person. Sure he talked, talks or messages you. You are human. That is the limit. You are a thing.

 

You accepted it. You pine over him. You question stuff that you should not be entertaining at all. You claim that your marriage had all of these problems and cheating was the result and separation as well. The thing is, and this is harsh, YOU were part of all of that.

 

You were part of the "so called" messed up marriage. You were part of the affair. You are a part of whatever this thing is that you are presently involved in with both your "husband" and "ExMM". I use quotes because it is really not clear what anyone's status happens to be.

 

In either event, until you figure out why you have been in both places with both men and remain where you are now, you will continue to languish. Your ExMM has made it clear what status you have. Rather than figure out what is wrong with you, you look for what he could possibly mean, what are his motives, what does he think, where is he going, etc.

 

I will let you in on a secret, men like him will keep women like you hanging on. the reason is simple, they don't have to work to do it. While I have no sympathy for cheaters, I will say this, I have tremendous sympathy for people who are just lost.

 

You are just lost. Find you. Now you in terms of a relationship. Just you. I really say this for your kids, because, you would be surprised at what they learn from their parents. Your kids do not need to learn worthlessness, self loathing, weakness and dependence from you. Find yourself and amazingly, your problems written on this board will vanish because you will make them disappear.

 

Thank you for your words, and you are right on everything! I am lost but im fighting my way back and I do take half responsibility for my marraige problems. I handled it badly. Hindsight is 20/20!

[Josmatjes]

Dear J,

 

I must say congrats on taking the steps towards ending your relationship with your MM. You don't deserve to keep beating yourself up over . You are trying to improve yourself. You are in transition of moving away from a bad situation.

 

I think it is normal to have a range of emotions. Sometimes you are going to feel on top of the world, like you can conquer everything.

 

Sometimes you may feel topsy-turvy like everything is going against you.

 

It's good that you got out of this situation before it became more than what you can humanly handle.

 

Sadly, in your learning to break away from the MM, this guy feels that he knows your ups and downs. He feels he knows your weak spots and that he can slowly convince you and work his way back into you life.

 

Please do yourself a favor and do not allow yourself to remain "wide open". This MM is trying to run his game on you!

 

It is not fair to you because the MM is not going to feel remorse for manipulating you time after time. MM wants the best of both worlds. He wants his wife, his white picket fence, the house, the car, the kids and the dog and cat at home.

 

On the flip side, he wants you as an extra outlet.

 

I know that by the time you get through reading these posts, you will find the courage within yourself to say enough is enough already. "I'm not gonna keep playing cat and mouse with this MM.

 

Just look at it like this. You are trying to reach closure so you can proceed forward with your life. You deserve that!

 

As far as his wife calling you, she may want to"talk". But I would not trust that the moment I see it.

 

You can either ignore those calls or change your number. What ever you do, love yourself and do what's best for you.

 

For the MM, he will just have to get upset that you are not answering his calls.He can't have his way. Let him be the one to deal with that.It's not your problem.

 

There is nothing wrong with counseling. It doesn't mean you are crazy or guilty of anything.

 

You are putting your best foot forward.

 

Best of luck to you! Hugs! The best days are ahead.

 

Thank you so much for your words. I do go to counciling and it helps some but truthfully we all need to find strength in ourselves. This past year has been difficult for me but it does get better everyday! Learning to love yourself again is hard....

[dreamingoftigers]

This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I think somewhere in my head I convinced myself that it was real and that we would be together, but I don't know what the hell I was thinking. If he hasn't left by now it isn't ever happening. I know he holds onto me because of an ego boost and that's just texting. Over the past year though I refused to answer him if it was inappropriate texts and he would get angry at me. That's when I really knew it was over but that I had a real problem with moving on. I don't know why it was so hard to walk away from someone that treats you like garbage.

 

Thank you for your words. Everyone on this site tells the truth whether you want to hear it or not!

 

You don't know what she wants and she isn't holding a knife to you at your door.

 

I don't get why OW make such a big thing about dealing with the wife if you are sleeping with her husband. You might as well just tell her such. I mean, you did it, right?

 

If your life is authentic etc. then answering for it isn't a big deal.

 

I mean: either stop doing shyte you feel bad about or stop feeling bad about the shyte you do. Right?

[Lady Hamilton]

You're not branded for life. If statistics are to be believed, almost half of everybody has cheated or had an affair so you're not alone. Just like you don't see them with brands on your foreheads, they don't see you that way either.

 

The best you can do now is to move forward with a life that you're proud of. Can't change the past but you can change the future.

 

As for the wife, answer or don't answer, it's up to you. Me personally, if my goal is to untangle and move on, I wouldn't answer. It just means more involvement in something you're trying to leave behind. Let sleeping dogs lie, if that's your goal.

[Josmatjes]

You don't know what she wants and she isn't holding a knife to you at your door.

 

I don't get why OW make such a big thing about dealing with the wife if you are sleeping with her husband. You might as well just tell her such. I mean, you did it, right?

 

If your life is authentic etc. then answering for it isn't a big deal.

 

I mean: either stop doing shyte you feel bad about or stop feeling bad about the shyte you do. Right?

 

I didn't make a big deal out of it! I just said it happened!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Anyway today my phone rings and it's his wife! I didn't answer but my hands started shaking uncontrollably and I felt like I was going to pass out. It's two years already! I know it's her right and I feel awful for it, I truly wish I could do something for her but she is still with him so that's her life. When am I going to live a day without hating myself and feeling guilt? I feel like I committed the ultimate sin and that people can look at me and tell. Weird right?

 

Anyway thank you for listening to my rant I really need to vent and maybe find people going through these emotions.

 

Seems like a big deal......

[Joie]

I am a BS so feel free to disregard my opinion if you want...

 

Coming from a BS I can see why she wants you to feel branded. It is because you are still involved in her life. If you want her to leave you alone get out of her life. Stop being "friends" with her husband. No one thinks that you guys are just "friends". You say your DDay was 2 years ago however, for the last two years you have left both your life and her life in limbo by continuing to engage in contact with the MM.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Josmatjes]

Seems like a big deal......

 

No it's not. I do wish I hadn't been a part of her misery. I wish I could go back and undue it. I think he gaslights her horribly and for that I hate him because she doesn't deserve that. I feel badly that it's still consuming her...that's all

[dreamingoftigers]

No it's not. I do wish I hadn't been a part of her misery. I wish I could go back and undue it. I think he gaslights her horribly and for that I hate him because she doesn't deserve that. I feel badly that it's still consuming her...that's all

 

Of course he does. That's what they do.

 

And they keep it going for as long as they can get away with it.

 

Have you untangled yourself from it all yet?

[whichwayisup]

No it's not. I do wish I hadn't been a part of her misery. I wish I could go back and undue it. I think he gaslights her horribly and for that I hate him because she doesn't deserve that. I feel badly that it's still consuming her...that's all

 

 

You can't undue the past but you can from now on go complete NC with him.

 

This way your healing will take place and he won't be in your head so much.

 

In the past 2 years since your Dday, how often has he been on your mind?

[sandylee1]

You don't know what she wants and she isn't holding a knife to you at your door.

 

I don't get why OW make such a big thing about dealing with the wife if you are sleeping with her husband. You might as well just tell her such. I mean, you did it, right?

 

If your life is authentic etc. then answering for it isn't a big deal.

 

I mean: either stop doing shyte you feel bad about or stop feeling bad about the shyte you do. Right?

 

DOT

 

Whilst I agree with what you say... The truth is that when you've done wrong.......you don't want to face the consequences.... you get scared ....and Jos was a friend of his wife ... so it's a double betrayal.

 

It's all fine when the sneaking around is happening but facing up to the reality that you've hurt someone else is very difficult if you have a conscience....... especially when you know the BW.

 

Affairs are always a bad idea .... but playing close to home is really taking it to another level..... yet it does happen far more than it should as a result of poor boundaries.

[whatatangledweb]

Did he ever tell her it was you he had the affair with? Are you wanting to continue the contact with MM or are you done? The only way you can move on , is to cut him out of your life. Block both of them and start living.

[ladydesigner]

Josmatjes I agree with the others go NC for good with this man and start your healing and don't get into a situation like this again. Now you can see the forest from the trees.

 

I think we have all done things in our lives, and it doesn't have to be an A, that will be a part of our history forever. We live and we learn. The important part is learning from these situations.

[gettingstronger]

Not sure if it pertains or not, but at one of my lowest points, my therapist said "Are you addicted to being a mess?" I was so wounded by that question at first but then I thought, well am I? Is this a habit? To rehash and pick at my wounds because that's who I've become, a victim of myself? I still wallow sometimes, throw myself a big old pity party and all that stuff, but then that question rings in my head and I work really hard to be the new, better me.

[Josmatjes]

Not sure if it pertains or not, but at one of my lowest points, my therapist said "Are you addicted to being a mess?" I was so wounded by that question at first but then I thought, well am I? Is this a habit? To rehash and pick at my wounds because that's who I've become, a victim of myself? I still wallow sometimes, throw myself a big old pity party and all that stuff, but then that question rings in my head and I work really hard to be the new, better me.

 

I definitely have gone through low times where I throw myself a pity party but I've truly learned how to get myself out of it. I believe in waking up being positive that good things are going to happen and I convince myself of it. I know what your saying though. I think maybe I got a little addicted to the drama and it took me the past two years to deflate. I hate even saying two years but I think the timeline is different for everyone. I'm over this drama and trying hard to move on but I know there will always be a part of my heart that loves the mm. Can't help it but I can make sure it doesn't effect me ever again!

[Josmatjes]

You can't undue the past but you can from now on go complete NC with him.

 

This way your healing will take place and he won't be in your head so much.

 

In the past 2 years since your Dday, how often has he been on your mind?

 

Well at first it was every second of the day but it's whittled down so much. It's so hard facing the reality that you meant nothing. This past year a lot happened in my life,but even when he knew, he didn't reach out,and when he did he'd forget and talk about himself cause that's all he ever does. This made me shake my head and realize why would I want someone like this in my life. I think the past few months I was holding on to him out of loneliness and low self esteem. I'm done now and ready to completely let go. That's it, no more head space for him!

[Jersey born raised]

Tell him to talk to a bartender and tip then well if they want to whine about themselves. You got a life and too much to do to throw a pity party for him.

 

As to his wife. Just as you are experiencing a trauma because of what has occurred, she is too. I could rattle of a dozen good reasons of why he did what he did and what you did, at this point so what. Everybody involved has deep wounds that never completely heal. You did play a part in her pain and both you and she need to accept it and move on. There is nothing either of you can do for each other.

 

As cold as it might sound his wife needs to move on. You cannot help her.