Partner won't share financial information with me, is this normal?

[Merrymayhem]

Hi everyone. Engaged, been with the partner for 8 years and now seriously considering the relationship.

 

My partner came into some money today from Inheritance and won't tell me how much. Not sure why but the conversation basically turned into a " I don't trust you" conversation. Is it such a big deal to tell how much They make? Or how much they currently have in the bank? Isn't financial conversations important to have? We have a joint account but everything is kept private. I don't know how much my partner has, I don't know what he's hiding from me. I just don't know.

 

I've never asked for money as I am well to do myself and we split everything together and I tell him everything about my finances, but not once does he tell me his... I'm so confused. all I know is in our joint acct we put in equal amounts of money. I just think he doesn't want to share anything with me. Is that a red flag? I know his money and inheritance his and never would I ask for anything. But I think it's a red flag to not share and keep stuff from me. Am I being paranoid?

 

I'm uneasy. Is this normal?

[BlueIris]

Hi everyone. Engaged, been with the partner for 8 years and now seriously considering the relationship.

 

My partner came into some money today from Inheritance and won't tell me how much. Not sure why but the conversation basically turned into a " I don't trust you" conversation. Is it such a big deal to tell how much They make? Or how much they currently have in the bank? Isn't financial conversations important to have? We have a joint account but everything is kept private. I don't know how much my partner has, I don't know what he's hiding from me. I just don't know.

 

I've never asked for money as I am well to do myself and we split everything together and I tell him everything about my finances, but not once does he tell me his... I'm so confused. all I know is in our joint acct we put in equal amounts of money. I just think he doesn't want to share anything with me. Is that a red flag? I know his money and inheritance his and never would I ask for anything. But I think it's a red flag to not share and keep stuff from me. Am I being paranoid?

 

I'm uneasy. Is this normal?

 

No, it's not normal for a couple that is about to get married. I think that you are right to feel uneasy.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I would also be concerned. You two are engaged and financial matters should be made transparent/bare.

[basil67]

I'd be uneasy too. Not only because of the secrecy but also because he doesn't trust you. I hope he doesn't have a mountain of debt hidden away. Or has been bankrupt.

 

How can the two of you begin to plan for housing, kids, retirement etc if you don't know how much each other earns?

 

Any other red flags in the relationship? What does your family think of him?

[amaysngrace]

Definitely not normal. If he's hiding this information from you what else is he hiding?

[Art_Critic]

I agree with the above posters, would also add that how as a couple are you to plan for the future if you don't have an understanding of what each other has.

For example.. writing a will, creating trusts for wife/children, if you create a trust you cannot be the person purchasing thru it, such as life insurance.. only the trustee can do that, you cannot deposit money into it, only the trustee can do that.

 

What about life insurance, the need or not needing it comes from looking at the estate as a whole.

 

In most states that I know of inheritances are protected from becoming a marital asset unless they commingle the assets into marital assets so the need to hide his inheritance from you so you don't get it isn't there.

 

I would be VERY cautious proceeding with a marriage with him until he can become one with you and have transparency with the household income and holdings.

He may just not trust you because of his past but if that is the case then he is punishing the relationship for something that happened in his past and not the present.

 

When getting married the pairing of financial goals is also something that needs to happen, so you both need to be on the same page as far as goals, ie:.. buying a house, where is that money going to come from and is he going to use his money to control the situation rather than having the same ideals and goals as a couple then you should take note as it will be a sore point in the marriage.

 

Good Luck.. you aren't married but engaged so he should be bringing you up to speed with his estate and you yours to him, you should be beginning to form the coupling of your goals and look forward to making your future with each other, if he isn't doing that then let him know how you feel about it and go from there.

[Art_Critic]

BTW, this probably doesn't parallel your situation but in my first marriage there was some but not total financial transparency on her side, I blew it off since we both ran companies and hers was larger than mine, I thought it wasn't a big deal but in my case 6 months after I married her I found out she had about 100k in credit card debt and a huge spending problem, she was robbing Peter to pay Paul in her finances.

 

We were only married 5 years and money was the biggest issue between us.. it wasn't why we divorced but that is another story. While she left the marriage with tons less debt as I helped her straighten it out but it was a rough 5 years when the daily issue reared it's ugly head and was forefront in our marriage rather than creating growing goals for us we were creating goals to get her out of debt.

[O'Malley]

There should be financial transparency in an 8 year relationship, even if marriage wasn't on the table. Your respective financial situations can affect every aspect of a legal union and as his partner you have the right to details. Surely in the past he's been obligated to disclose financial information to banks, to insurance providers, possibly even to lawyers so his concerns in this regard are troubling. I'd be cautious about proceeding with marriage plans (and plans for a family) and wouldn't sign anything with him until and unless he agrees to mutually visit a financial planner.

 

Conversations about finances, etc. are as much about how partners handle conflict and differing perspectives as they are about the information. I'm not sure how you can effectively communicate when your fiance chooses a position of distrust and secrecy. How he handles financial issues now is indicative of how he will handle other issues in a marriage.

[Els]

Gosh, no, not normal. If he wasn't sharing his bank login information or somesuch, that would be more understandable (although some couples do that, it isn't really a red flag if a couple doesn't). But not even letting you know how MUCH, after 8 years together??? That's just...crazy. It's not even about the finances anymore, it's the utter and complete lack of trust that stuns me.

 

Please reconsider this guy.

[BettyDraper]

Don't marry him. It is not normal for you to know nothing about your fiance's financial situation.

 

That level of secrecy is not healthy for a marriage...especially about such an important topic as finances.

[Merrymayhem]

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies this is really good and solidifies my sinking uneasy feeling.

 

I don't know how to approach him and tell him that this is wrong. I thought our fight over this was super petty but now that I think about it, it is very crucial. In the last 8 years, we don't talk about finances, I have my money, he has his.

 

It's only recently we were talking about putting money in the joint account and the wedding that he is hiding things from me. In fact I got superbly offended when he said something along the lines of, "I don't want to tell you because you will up the budget for the wedding"

 

I got seriously appalled. Never once in my 8 years with this man did I ever ask him for money. We split our food, we split date night... "MY" family is paying for most of this wedding because he said he didn't have enough, and I myself am paying for some of it, more than him.... and now he has a huge sum of inheritance that he's afraid to tell me because if he tells me the amount, I will up the budget for the wedding?

 

Hilarious. clearly i am super pissed. I don't even care much for the wedding anymore, it's a super small budgeted wedding and I am careful with my expenses and he's worried that I might use it all? Yeah, there's no trust here.

 

Will sit down and chat with him. Reconsidering this.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Seems like a big red flag for me.

 

I was in an LTR and we were talking marriage, come to find out she had a foreclosure, bankruptcy and a bunch of debt that didn't get discharged with the bankruptcy (?!? <--wtf). She was open about it, and it caused me to stop and think about it some, but she was open about it when I asked.

 

I thought some of that may have come out naturally at some point in the 3 years we dated, but it didn't.

[BettyDraper]

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies this is really good and solidifies my sinking uneasy feeling.

 

I don't know how to approach him and tell him that this is wrong. I thought our fight over this was super petty but now that I think about it, it is very crucial. In the last 8 years, we don't talk about finances, I have my money, he has his.

 

It's only recently we were talking about putting money in the joint account and the wedding that he is hiding things from me. In fact I got superbly offended when he said something along the lines of, "I don't want to tell you because you will up the budget for the wedding"

 

I got seriously appalled. Never once in my 8 years with this man did I ever ask him for money. We split our food, we split date night... "MY" family is paying for most of this wedding because he said he didn't have enough, and I myself am paying for some of it, more than him.... and now he has a huge sum of inheritance that he's afraid to tell me because if he tells me the amount, I will up the budget for the wedding?

 

Hilarious. clearly i am super pissed. I don't even care much for the wedding anymore, it's a super small budgeted wedding and I am careful with my expenses and he's worried that I might use it all? Yeah, there's no trust here.

 

Will sit down and chat with him. Reconsidering this.

 

So your fiance doesn't trust you with finances and he treats you like a roommate rather than a partner? In a healthy marriage, finances are combined and not treated as "mine" and "yours." Even couples who have separate accounts also have a joint one that they share.

 

He sounds like a very selfish person and there is no reason to spend your life with someone like that. It's not as if you have displayed an entitled attitude with money so there is no reason for your fiance to be so secretive and tightfisted. I bet he's stingy in other ways as well.

[VeveCakes]

He definitely has something to hide.

[GunslingerRoland]

You can't date someone for 8 years, plan to marry them and not talk about finances.

 

 

Also why are your parents paying for your wedding? That is an outdated practice, people don't do that anymore. You and him should be paying for the wedding that you can afford. Although you don't even know what you can afford because you don't his finances.

 

 

Like you said, you can't buy a house together, or a new car, or have kids, because you don't even know your own financial situation.

 

 

That is so ridiculous, but it's also scary. If he's planning on keeping this going during marriage, that is a form of control. If you have kids, then he controls you, because you are home with the kid not earning anything, and you are at the mercy of the money he chooses to share with you.

 

 

I don't know anything about the rest of your relationship, but this is highly dysfunctional.

[MightyPen]

OP, I would really suggest pre-marital counseling ASAP.

 

Money fights are probably the biggest cause of divorce. When a couple can agree on money, it relieves a LOT of stress and creates a stronger connection.

 

And even married couples who do "separate finances" (which I don't think is optimal) agree to FULL disclosure of assets, earnings, savings, debts, etc. I can't understand anyone marrying anyone else who wasn't willing to give a full accounting of their finances.

[BettyDraper]

You can't date someone for 8 years, plan to marry them and not talk about finances.

 

 

Also why are your parents paying for your wedding? That is an outdated practice, people don't do that anymore. You and him should be paying for the wedding that you can afford. Although you don't even know what you can afford because you don't his finances.

 

 

Like you said, you can't buy a house together, or a new car, or have kids, because you don't even know your own financial situation.

 

 

That is so ridiculous, but it's also scary. If he's planning on keeping this going during marriage, that is a form of control. If you have kids, then he controls you, because you are home with the kid not earning anything, and you are at the mercy of the money he chooses to share with you.

 

 

I don't know anything about the rest of your relationship, but this is highly dysfunctional.

 

In some cultures, parents paying for weddings is still a common practice.

If a family is traditional, a daughter's wedding will also be financed by her parents in that circumstance as well.

[Tayla]

If he is financially responsible it's no business of yours. married, engaged or not.

 

Now if he is embezzling or engaged in nefarious antics, contact the authorities.

 

I do not mix debts or assets. I do encourage financial planning, which as a couple is helpful to know who would manage it should the other become encapcitated.

 

But the amounts or wishing to know is a red flag. What is your intent to know? Because if it really means nothing then you are fighting only yourself.

 

I'm a firm believer in pre nups, so maybe that is an avenue to consider. you'd then know his assets and he'd also know yours. Keeps things nice and tidy.

[Tayla]

You can't date someone for 8 years, plan to marry them and not talk about finances.

 

 

Also why are your parents paying for your wedding? That is an outdated practice, people don't do that anymore. You and him should be paying for the wedding that you can afford. Although you don't even know what you can afford because you don't his finances.

 

 

Like you said, you can't buy a house together, or a new car, or have kids, because you don't even know your own financial situation.

 

 

That is so ridiculous, but it's also scary. If he's planning on keeping this going during marriage, that is a form of control. If you have kids, then he controls you, because you are home with the kid not earning anything, and you are at the mercy of the money he chooses to share with you.

 

 

I don't know anything about the rest of your relationship, but this is highly dysfunctional.

 

One sentence: credit applications for mortgages are still en vogue! Same with other high ticket items.

 

Then thank you gunslinger for pre determining that separate accounts by two responsible adults is dysfunctional. Wow!

 

Yup it's ridiculous !

[Gr8fuln2020]

If he is financially responsible it's no business of yours. married, engaged or not.

 

Excuse me for saying, but this is absolutely not true and a cynical sentiment! When you have come to either of these points in a relationship, such transparency is paramount to maintain (establish) trust and continuity in a relationship. A spouse's financial health WILL impact the other person!

[Beach Guy]

My partner came into some money today from Inheritance and won't tell me how much.

He could still be grieving, and you are asking him how much he inherited? Even if he's not grieving, it is poor form to ask the amount of the inheritance on the very first day.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies this is really good and solidifies my sinking uneasy feeling.

 

I don't know how to approach him and tell him that this is wrong. I thought our fight over this was super petty but now that I think about it, it is very crucial. In the last 8 years, we don't talk about finances, I have my money, he has his.

 

It's only recently we were talking about putting money in the joint account and the wedding that he is hiding things from me. In fact I got superbly offended when he said something along the lines of, "I don't want to tell you because you will up the budget for the wedding"

 

I got seriously appalled. Never once in my 8 years with this man did I ever ask him for money. We split our food, we split date night... "MY" family is paying for most of this wedding because he said he didn't have enough, and I myself am paying for some of it, more than him.... and now he has a huge sum of inheritance that he's afraid to tell me because if he tells me the amount, I will up the budget for the wedding?

 

Hilarious. clearly i am super pissed. I don't even care much for the wedding anymore, it's a super small budgeted wedding and I am careful with my expenses and he's worried that I might use it all? Yeah, there's no trust here.

 

Will sit down and chat with him. Reconsidering this.

He sounds like a stingy, selfish ass.

 

You two sound more like business partners with everything being split right down the middle these last 8 years. I couldn't imagine going to dinner with the man who supposedly loves me and sees a future with me, and both of us taking out our wallets when the dinner bill comes. Good Christ, why are you marrying this selfish jerk?

 

Make sure you establish NOW that all the domestic work and child-raising in this unromantic marriage you're about to enter into will ALSO be split right down the middle, 50/50. Just like everything ELSE for the last 8 years. Don't be surprised when he fails miserably and you end up doing 90% of it.

 

Quite honestly, I wouldn't even waste my time with someone like this.

[Els]

He could still be grieving, and you are asking him how much he inherited? Even if he's not grieving, it is poor form to ask the amount of the inheritance on the very first day.

 

I assumed she meant that the inheritance had been decided on that day, not that the passing occurred on that day. Generally the inheritance is not decided/announced on the day of passing, quite a lot of paperwork is needed. In the cases I've seen, usually a couple of weeks elapse before everyone is notified of their inheritance. Anyway, assuming what you said was true...

 

You might have a point if this was a one-off occurrence and he was transparent with her otherwise. But they have been together for 8 years and he won't even tell her, ever, how much he MAKES. Dude is either hiding something or has severe trust issues IMO. Neither of the above bodes well.

Edited July 21, 2016 by Elswyth

[BlueIris]

OP, I would really suggest pre-marital counseling ASAP.

 

Money fights are probably the biggest cause of divorce. When a couple can agree on money, it relieves a LOT of stress and creates a stronger connection.

 

And even married couples who do "separate finances" (which I don't think is optimal) agree to FULL disclosure of assets, earnings, savings, debts, etc. I can't understand anyone marrying anyone else who wasn't willing to give a full accounting of their finances.

 

I agree.

 

People who are not readily and naturally candid about finances with a spouse are a risk for getting into trouble financially and putting you at risk also.

 

People who don't talk about finances easily tend to have a problem about money in general that manifests in negative ways in a marriage.

[Beach Guy]

I assumed she meant that the inheritance had been decided on that day, not that the passing occurred on that day. Generally the inheritance is not decided/announced on the day of passing, quite a lot of paperwork is needed. In the cases I've seen, usually a couple of weeks elapse before everyone is notified of their inheritance. Anyway, assuming what you said was true...

 

Yes, time passes before trust and inheritance occurs. People can grieve long after. Depending on the person's relationship with the deceased.

 

The OP's quote states that the very first day that her partner received the inheritance that she was asking him specifics about it. Tacky.