Partner won't share financial information with me, is this normal?

[GunslingerRoland]

One sentence: credit applications for mortgages are still en vogue! Same with other high ticket items.

 

Then thank you gunslinger for pre determining that separate accounts by two responsible adults is dysfunctional. Wow!

 

Yup it's ridiculous !

 

I think you can have separate accounts as responsible adults. But if you are even discussing getting married seriously, and you don't even know how much your partner makes or have a clue about their net worth, there is something wrong.

 

 

And I'm not quite sure what you are getting at with the credit applications. Are you really implying that she should just go on not knowing anything about his finances, and when it comes times to get a house they just go fill out a credit application and then buy a house for whatever number it comes back with?

 

 

I know I qualify for a much bigger mortgage than I could realistically pay... the banks are motivated to over leverage people....

[Miss Peach]

Money fights are probably the biggest cause of divorce. When a couple can agree on money, it relieves a LOT of stress and creates a stronger connection.

 

This was basically my first thought on this. Money is one of the primary reasons people divorce. If you can't even talk about it then how do you know if you are even compatible with your money management styles?

 

Basically I look at marriage as a partnership. You are a team. Even if you keep your finances separate (which IMO is fine), you still need full disclosure to know where you stand as a team. How are you going to make major joint decisions (i.e., large purchases, retirement, etc.) if you can't even talk about money? This would be a huge flag to me.

 

I personally know many people who didn't realize what their partner was doing who wound up paying for large amounts of debts due to getting married.

 

I would see if maybe he would be open to a prenup if you still want to go through with this. Not only to protect what you are bringing it, but part of the process is financial disclosure and negotiation.

 

You might have a point if this was a one-off occurrence and he was transparent with her otherwise. But they have been together for 8 years and he won't even tell her, ever, how much he MAKES. Dude is either hiding something or has severe trust issues IMO. Neither of the above bodes well.

 

I agree with this.

[anna121]

My husband and I have separate accounts, because we married later in life and it would frankly have been a hassle to combine them. Plus, we have enough disposable income to not have to worry about draw-downs, but at the same time appreciate the convenience of just managing our own withdrawals and deposits. We divide up the household expenses. If there is an exceptional expense like renovations, we talk about how to finance.

 

My husband doesn't tend to keep track of what is in his accounts whereas I look at mine about once a day. He never asks me how much money I have, but occasionally I will ask what his balance is. He immediately gets online and tells me. I tend to make more expensive purchases than he does, and if I want to buy something more than, say, $700 I tend to discuss it with him, not to get his permission but just to act as a sounding board. If he wants to buy an expensive new tv he does the same.

 

So while we have separate accounts we nonetheless have total transparency. I could not be in a relationship without it.

[mikeylo]

Its likely that in the 8 years they have been together, he has seen that OP is really not trustworthy regarding money? As a companion she is compatible but not with money matters.

[mizunomead]

In my marriage we kept our finances separate for the most part. It worked well for us. But we both had a pretty good idea of where each other was financially, and it was not a issue to ask each other about it. And we always consulted each other on purchases over a few hundred bucks.

We never had any real fights about money. But we were always open with each other in that way also.

[dichotomy]

My wife and I share basic information on our salaries and expenses, but we mostly keep our accounts separate and our debt separate (except home mortgage).

 

I would add that inheritances are VERY sensitive issues, there are emotions involved, sorrow over deaths, usually they are larger sums of money, and its just a complex emotional mess. Heck it causes arguments among fellow family members who did get parts of the money. I am not saying its right, but I only shared some basics about what I inherited from my dad, and my wife did not ask for details or to use the money.

[TennisGal]

Just a cautionary tale to share.

 

In my marriage (which will be over by the end of the year), we kept our finances about 90% separate. We were 46 and 50 when we married and used to handling things our own way.

 

His paycheck when into his checking account and my paycheck into mine. He paid the mortgage on the property he already owned, and I paid on the one I already owned. He put savings from the rent of his property into his savings account. I put money I saved from salary/bonuses into my savings account.

 

Our joint account was used for joint expenses like vacations, money we gave his kids when they got married or bought a home, etc. We filed joint taxes and shared our W-2s.

 

But he continued to resist regular meetings on financial management -- money coming in, money going out, where it's going, how much is going to this or that, how much is being saved.

 

Ultimately, this lack of partnership/joint management is one of the issues that led to the breakdown of our marriage.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ultimately, this lack of partnership/joint management is one of the issues that led to the breakdown of our marriage.

 

Common tale. It's about trust AND security. If one is hiding details, it's typically not for the better and it does effect the partner....classic.

[Mr. Lucky]

and now he has a huge sum of inheritance that he's afraid to tell me because if he tells me the amount, I will up the budget for the wedding?

 

If he hasn't told you, how do you know it's "huge"? That word might mean different things to different people.

 

It is strange you have no idea how much he makes. After 8 years, seems it would have come up. Is he this controlling in other aspects of your lives together?

 

Mr. Lucky