How to Get My Wife Back ?

[DarkKnight0090]

Ideally neither...why can't you go see her? I am sure that your not in the US...does your country have some kind of transportation system? This is best if done in person.

 

You cannot show a major lifestyle change via text or letter...you have to give what she wanted...you.

 

Because i live with my wife in my country and she gone to visit her mother , her mother is in other country .

 

Between countries 1 hour 50 min air transport.

 

She just said that she will come to here to get clothes , so till this time i dont have any chance to see her in life.

Edited July 20, 2016 by DarkKnight0090

[Satu]

The situation that you're in has been a long time in the making.

 

She told you exactly what you were doing that was making her unhappy, and she hoped you would change that behaviour, but you didn't.

 

She gave you time and waited.

 

 

Then she gave up.

 

 

The chances of her giving you another chance are very slim; close to zero.

 

It would be best for you to proceed under the assumption that the marriage is permanently over.

 

Maybe she will want you back, but that would have to come from her.

 

I don't think you can talk her into it.

 

 

Take care.

[Angelica21]

I think to produce and compose music track with her name and release it from a label.

 

What are you talking about? We're all answering you like your story is true, but maybe you are making it all up?

[DarkKnight0090]

What are you talking about? We're all answering you like your story is true, but maybe you are making it all up?

 

Thank you all so much and i really read all your answer, it means so much for me.

 

But i don't want to lose her and i wanna get her back, be with her as before we have been .

 

We had so many great times, love and special moments.

[DarkKnight0090]

The situation that you're in has been a long time in the making.

 

She told you exactly what you were doing that was making her unhappy, and she hoped you would change that behaviour, but you didn't.

 

She gave you time and waited.

 

 

Then she gave up.

 

 

The chances of her giving you another chance are very slim; close to zero.

 

It would be best for you to proceed under the assumption that the marriage is permanently over.

 

Maybe she will want you back, but that would have to come from her.

 

I don't think you can talk her into it.

 

 

Take care.

 

I really know what you mean and you feel situation so well . I realize everything you mention.

 

But i wanna get back her and i can't lose her. She is really so special person for me . I try to figure out all problems.

[heartfeltlove]

I really know what you mean and you feel situation so well . I realize everything you mention.

 

But i wanna get back her and i can't lose her. She is really so special person for me . I try to figure out all problems.

 

It is very sad, but the piece I put in bold, is the saddest thing of all.

You know why?

Because I bet you never told her this at all. I bet you never said to her that you can't lose her, and that she is so special to you.

 

And now, if you tell her this, they will just be hollow words without meaning to her. She will just believe they are a desperate attempt to change her mind, and she will not believe you, because you will be saying this now, when you should have told her this constantly, a long time ago.

 

This relationship is finished, because if she is now telling you she will come to get her clothes - she has give up on the marriage, and she has given up on you.

You cannot win her back, unless she wants to be won back.

This was a marriage. Something between 2 people. If one person does not wish to 'play the game' then there will be no progress. 1 person cannot salvage something on their own.

[DarkKnight0090]

It is very sad, but the piece I put in bold, is the saddest thing of all.

You know why?

Because I bet you never told her this at all. I bet you never said to her that you can't lose her, and that she is so special to you.

 

And now, if you tell her this, they will just be hollow words without meaning to her. She will just believe they are a desperate attempt to change her mind, and she will not believe you, because you will be saying this now, when you should have told her this constantly, a long time ago.

 

This relationship is finished, because if she is now telling you she will come to get her clothes - she has give up on the marriage, and she has given up on you.

You cannot win her back, unless she wants to be won back.

This was a marriage. Something between 2 people. If one person does not wish to 'play the game' then there will be no progress. 1 person cannot salvage something on their own.

 

 

heartfeltlove

 

After silent 5 days , i decided to text her

I told her about chaning myself for myself and making life better , then it will be good for relationship too.

I told her what i do for it .

 

Then she answered me " How are you ? What are you doing ? "

then she called me and we talked . I told her about changing .

 

Next day she wrote to me " Have a nice dream "

 

Me : " Have a nice dream . I miss you "

She : " Have a a nice . I miss you but you know reason "

Me : " I told you i started to change myself and i understood how i was "

She : " Show me action for everything"

Me : " Ok tell me what kind of actions all you need "

She : " Change your jop for better salary to have a baby with you "

Me : " If i'll find new one and better salary . Will you come ? "

She : " Yes i will but if you changed your mood and not only words "

Me : " Ok "

She : " Normal jop for normal salary to have a baby "

Me : " I want to hug you and show how i wil be in good mood "

She : " It is so important for me but you know , i told i want baby "

Me : " I want too "

She : " I'll look . How will you find a normal jop for it "

 

 

She wrote me .

 

She replied that she wants me show action

 

1 - Getting a better jop to have a baby together comfortably . (She says I'll change jop then immediately have a baby with me. Jop for better salary)

2 - Changing myself about mood ext. you know.

 

 

Today i texted her " What are you doing ? Have a nice dream "

 

But she read and didnt respond

 

heartfeltlove, can you analysis what happens .

Edited July 24, 2016 by DarkKnight0090

[heartfeltlove]

Put very simply, she wants you to not talk about changing, she wants you to show her.

Do you know the saying "Actions speak louder than words" or "put your money where your mouth is"?

In brief, she isn't interested in anything you might say. She wants you to take action, and improve your job, and your temperament, and she wants these (especially your temperament) to be improved and permanent.

 

What I find worrying is that she wants all these things because she wants a baby.

This is a ridiculous premise to base making a family on.

You two have communication problems, and you think if you accommodate her, and change who you are (and I know you told her you were dong it for you, but I'm sure you and I both know that's not true, really) she will come back and you will make a baby.

This is just completely wrong, because it's emotional blackmail.

She is emotionally blackmailing you by insisting that she wants you to change, and that if you do she will come back and make a baby, and you are emotionally-blackmailing her, by promising something that in all honesty, you do not 100% certainly know you can deliver.

You are neither of you being honest with each other, which ultimately, is a recipe for disaster.

You need to be 100% honest about yourself, and tell her that making a baby is not on the cards until you two learn to communicate properly.

[DarkKnight0090]

Put very simply, she wants you to not talk about changing, she wants you to show her.

Do you know the saying "Actions speak louder than words" or "put your money where your mouth is"?

In brief, she isn't interested in anything you might say. She wants you to take action, and improve your job, and your temperament, and she wants these (especially your temperament) to be improved and permanent.

 

What I find worrying is that she wants all these things because she wants a baby.

This is a ridiculous premise to base making a family on.

You two have communication problems, and you think if you accommodate her, and change who you are (and I know you told her you were dong it for you, but I'm sure you and I both know that's not true, really) she will come back and you will make a baby.

This is just completely wrong, because it's emotional blackmail.

She is emotionally blackmailing you by insisting that she wants you to change, and that if you do she will come back and make a baby, and you are emotionally-blackmailing her, by promising something that in all honesty, you do not 100% certainly know you can deliver.

You are neither of you being honest with each other, which ultimately, is a recipe for disaster.

You need to be 100% honest about yourself, and tell her that making a baby is not on the cards until you two learn to communicate properly.

 

My all temperament was because of recent times in work.

I'm normaly funny man and i laugh often. People respect me so much around me.

I never commited any violence to her.

I was not like that always in my life.

She remenbers how i was funny always in social events.

 

She also said " Show action ".

 

Btw i wrote her today and she didn't answer me

then i wrote again why she does not answer .

She read and she didn't answer.

 

I don't know why she behaves like that.

Suddenly she stoped to communicate after day.

Edited July 25, 2016 by DarkKnight0090

[heartfeltlove]

She is sick of words and I think she may feel you are pestering her.

She has told you what she wants.

Now she wants to see what you will Do. Not say.

 

But how you treated her, or did not treat her, is irrelevant. She doesn't care that work did this to you.

you ALLOWED work to do this to you.

All bad inherited traits are preventable.

She feels you did nothing to prevent yourself from changing.

But I stand by what I said.

You two are very bad at communicating and unless and until you both communicate what you actually really feel, without scoring points, shifting balme and making excuses, this relationship is scarred.

 

What country are you both in?

You said she went back abroad to her family?

What is your nationality? Obviously you must not include specific stuff... I'm asking for general information....

[DarkKnight0090]

She is sick of words and I think she may feel you are pestering her.

She has told you what she wants.

Now she wants to see what you will Do. Not say.

 

But how you treated her, or did not treat her, is irrelevant. She doesn't care that work did this to you.

you ALLOWED work to do this to you.

All bad inherited traits are preventable.

She feels you did nothing to prevent yourself from changing.

But I stand by what I said.

You two are very bad at communicating and unless and until you both communicate what you actually really feel, without scoring points, shifting balme and making excuses, this relationship is scarred.

 

What country are you both in?

You said she went back abroad to her family?

What is your nationality? Obviously you must not include specific stuff... I'm asking for general information....

 

Only please don't judge me because of nationality . I'm well educated and i lived 10 years in Europe.

 

I'm from Turkey.

 

I understand you very well and she thinks directly like that. No words, just action.

 

We really have good communication in real life , we jokes each other and we talk about everything.

 

Can you give me advice - how should i keep my communication with her till i will do all actions to take her ?

Edited July 25, 2016 by DarkKnight0090

[heartfeltlove]

Only please don't judge me because of nationality . I'm well educated and i lived 10 years in Europe.

 

I'm from Turkey.

I have no intention of judging you based on your provenance, that's not my point. I was really seeking Nationality to establish at what level of Law divorce in your country operates.

 

do you both currently reside in Turkey? Half of Turkey is in Europe, the other, across the Bosphorus is in Asia.

I don't know which part you either live in or come from, but if you are in Turkey, I am not familiar with Social, marital or Divorce laws, rules and regulations. If you are Muslims, then that is a whole different issue again.

 

I understand you very well and she thinks directly like that. No words, just action.

So you know precisely what she wants then.

 

We really have good communication in real life , we jokes each other and we talk about everything.

Obviously not.

Social interaction is different to serious, marital communication.

If you really

'have good communication in real life'

you would not be here asking all these questions, and trying to clarify what she means by this, that and the other... You communicate on a superficial level, but as to in-depth serious discussion, you are at odds with one another...

 

Can you give me advice - how should i keep my communication with her till i will do all actions to take her ?

Do NOT communicate with her. Focus on finding ways to improve your own personal and professional situation.

Do this for yourself, not her.

And let her, come to you. She initiated this separation. She precipitated this situation. Leave the ball of the next phase, in her court.

If she started this, let her deal with what happens next.

[Amy4663]

Hello!

I am so sorry that you are going through this but I definitely think there is still hope. Sometimes separation does not lead immediately to divorce but is instead a chance to talk, change behaviors and work on the marriage separately before you come back and work on it jointly. It sounds as if your wife has some very specific needs and wants to know that you are willing to work on them. I think that at this point marriage counseling/couple's counseling would be an amazing idea. It would give each of you an opportunity to explore areas for improvement in the marriage and create a plan together. Have you considered seeking counseling in the local area either via a church or community agency? If you are not sure where to start the local church can definitely point you in the right direction. Please do not give up hope. I am believing that with prayer and communication this situation will change for the better. God bless you!

[DarkKnight0090]

do you both currently reside in Turkey? Half of Turkey is in Europe, the other, across the Bosphorus is in Asia.

I don't know which part you either live in or come from, but if you are in Turkey, I am not familiar with Social, marital or Divorce laws, rules and regulations. If you are Muslims, then that is a whole different issue again.

 

Yes we firstly lived in her country then we came back to Turkey one year ago .

Turkey is republic country that's why all divorce laws are same as in Europe.

 

clarify what she means by this, that and the other..

 

Really i know what you mean. I remenber as flashback when she just told me some stuffs and they sounded like general words .

 

Do NOT communicate with her. .

 

If i won't communicate with her, she will go more cold ? if she won't miss me anymore? I'm afraid of that.

[PegNosePete]

If i won't communicate with her, she will go more cold ? if she won't miss me anymore? I'm afraid of that.

She is already cold as a stone. She already does not miss you in the slightest.

 

She moved out to another country and said she will only be back to collect her clothes, for goodness sake!

 

What do you mean by "go cold"? "Not miss me anymore"? Those are things of the past. She doesn't want to be married to you any more.

 

Sorry but you need to wake up to reality here. The marriage is over and there is nothing you can do to save it.

[DarkKnight0090]

She is already cold as a stone. She already does not miss you in the slightest.

 

She moved out to another country and said she will only be back to collect her clothes, for goodness sake!

 

What do you mean by "go cold"? "Not miss me anymore"? Those are things of the past. She doesn't want to be married to you any more.

 

Sorry but you need to wake up to reality here. The marriage is over and there is nothing you can do to save it.

 

Read previous posts first of all ..

Edited July 26, 2016 by DarkKnight0090

[PegNosePete]

I did read previous posts and that is what I based my opinion on.

 

She is setting up impossible challenges that she knows you will fail.

 

She doesn't want you to succeed. She wants to say "there I told you you couldn't do it".

 

And even if you do manage to do it then it will still not be good enough for her. She will find another excuse not to come back.

[heartfeltlove]

The above poster is correct.

She wants you to get a new, better-paid, less stressful job? How on earth can that happen? The better the job, the greater the stress. And jobs are not hanging off trees.

Add to that the tragic and precarious political situation in your country, and her demands are just a pipe-dream.

 

And look at the time-frame she is setting. What she is asking you to do, could take years. One? two? Three, maybe more, to get a good, well-paid job, and where?

In Turkey? Europe? Her country? Where does she come from? Are you Muslim? Is she?

 

And how old will you both be by the time you have become the man she would rather you were - permanently - and by the time you have found a better and more lucrative job and held that for a sufficient time as to prove it's for good?

 

And following all of that, how old will she be by the time she conceives this child she mentions? I suspect the best and most favourable time for her to conceive would be now, or within the next 3 years.... Not a chance. It's not going to happen, is it?

 

you see how unrealistic this all sounds? Of course it is. And she knows it.

She knows it cannot be done. And in the meantime, every day she is away from you, is just one more day of freedom for her, from you.

It doesn't matter whether you keep up communication with her or not. It doesn't matter whether she responds verbally, or not. She's not with you. She doesn't have to do anything, and in her mind, she is free now to do what she wants, when she wants.

 

Really, the chances of you salvaging this and making it work are about as great as my becoming the new President of Turkey, and I'm not even trying.

[DarkKnight0090]

The above poster is correct.

She wants you to get a new, better-paid, less stressful job? How on earth can that happen? The better the job, the greater the stress. And jobs are not hanging off trees.

Add to that the tragic and precarious political situation in your country, and her demands are just a pipe-dream.

 

Really, the chances of you salvaging this and making it work are about as great as my becoming the new President of Turkey, and I'm not even trying.

 

She is not about jop which is without stress.

She is about salary. better salary.

[heartfeltlove]

She is not about jop which is without stress.

She is about salary. better salary.

 

That doesn't change anything I wrote, if anything it confirms it.

[PegNosePete]

She is not about jop which is without stress.

She is about salary. better salary.

And when you have a better salary? It will be something else. A bigger home. A nicer part of the country. A different country. Less time spent with your friends. Losing weight. Whatever. She will throw up excuse after excuse and you will spend your entire life jumping through hoops trying to be the man she wants you to be, but the goal posts will keep changing. Because sorry to say, she simply doesn't want you. All of these demands she is making are just buying her time, time apart, time with her family and time away from you.

[heartfeltlove]

That is not necessarily true. You are making this all about the salary requirement when the OP has been very clear about his actual shortcomings in this relationship.

Not so. In his first post, the OP stated that the thing she was most upset about was that he put his job before her. Yet in post #32, he speaks to her, and she states that the first thing she wants him to do, is to find a better-paid job. She is the one making it all about the salary requirement, yet she doesn't want to be put second to his job. How does that work then...?

 

OP - if you really want to save your marriage, my advice to you is to do everything you can to do it. It might all fail but at least you won't have to regret not having given it your all.

And as long as she matches his efforts, then it should all go well, but he cannot save the marriage on his own, because there are two people involved in its breakdown.

[DarkKnight0090]

Whatever she does not reply me anymore.

[heartfeltlove]

Whatever she does not reply me anymore.

Then stop trying to make her.

You know what to do, but understandably, you are reluctant to do so. Would you please answer my questions? What is her nationality, where is she?

Are you or both of you, Muslims?

[DarkKnight0090]

Then stop trying to make her.

You know what to do, but understandably, you are reluctant to do so. Would you please answer my questions? What is her nationality, where is she?

Are you or both of you, Muslims?

 

What is the difference religion ? i really dont like it . People accept each other because of they are human.

 

she is from Ukraine. He is christian . Now you image that i behaved her as Arabian culture . But no . I'm not Arab , i'm Turkish and we have different culture than Arabs.