Narcissist and BPD parent disabling me from having a normal relationship

[Cphoria43]

Hi,

 

I'm reaching out to the public because this has been something that I haven't been able to overcome for a very long time. Growing up ever since I was a child, my mother was a very cruel person. Not only to me, but to my brother and my father. When I was young, my father would always ask my brother and I to come her to room while she was upset and tell her we were sorry... and at that time, we never understood what we did to wrong her. My father trained us to placate for every time my mother got mad. I remember my father in the heat of it all asked her if she "liked" beating her kids. She said yes. Whenever she got angry, she would not speak to any of us for days and sometimes weeks, she would lock herself up in her bedroom and sometimes would run away and never tell us where she goes. Sometimes she throws things at my father, tell him to listen to her but not hear him out, then run to her siblings and say that my dad or brother hit her while realistically they were just trying to contain her. One push and she would fall to the floor dramatically and fake an injury. She always victimized herself and her brother would always come over and threaten all of us that if anything happened to his sister, we would all end up in jail. I've watched my dad put up with her for over 30 years. He's basically given up on her. My mom used to always complain that my dad never paid attention to her anymore. And around 5 years ago she started having suspicious behavior. My boyfriends would always think that my mom was cheating. I realize now that they recognized it because they themselves were cheaters. When I turned 19, I moved away from home. I left my family and lived on my own in a different state for 5 years until I returned back home to continue nursing school.

 

My brother and I graduated nursing school 2 months ago. My mother got mad that my brother and I didn't book a family dinner after graduation. She got so mad that she blamed it all on my father and left the house. She left for a week and when she came back, we all asked where she went and she would say things like, "Who do you think you are? You're not my parent." She didn't attend my brother and I's graduation. It was just me, my brother and my father. We worked our whole lives for this moment and she didn't come. She texted us saying that she had to work on herself. We both worked really hard and all we wanted was for her to be proud of us. She always has to make it about her.

 

When my brother got his first paycheck, she was put him down and the things he would buy for himself. She would say things like, "you think you're better than me now huh?"

 

My mother has hurt all of us physically and emotionally. I had a volatile childhood too. Sometimes when I was a little girl I would pack up my little suitcase and sleep in the closet because it was just a way for me to feel like I'm running away from her. One little mistake and I would be called names, hit, and sometimes I would show up to school with welts all over my legs and back. If I ever opened up to her about anything that was personal to me, she would use it against me and hurt me if I pissed her off. She's very jealous, controlling, self-centered and abusive. Sometimes when I was young, I contemplated on calling social services but my father would always tell me my mother would never forgive me if I did that, so i never did.

 

My mom grew up in an abusive household as well. My grandpa was an alcoholic and my grandma had a personality disorder. Actually, her and all her siblings are basically the same. They all just tell me to tolerate my mother, even the abuse. They all married spouses that were submissive and meek that seemed as if they can't stand up for themselves. I feel sorry for all of them.

 

As I got older, I learned how to step up to my mother. My brother and my dad never learned to stand up to her. One time, it got so bad that I told her I was going to call the cops and have the mental institution go pick her up if she didn't change. Her siblings came after me and I told them I would screenshot their threatening text messages and forward it to the cop. I always had a boyfriend to run too so I never had to stay home to experience the repercussions of my actions. Instead, I realize now that she just took it out on my dad and my brother. I believe my father and brother have emotional welts. My brother adapted an dissociative disorder and my father is too old to try and be happy with anyone else. I think my mother made him believe that he couldn't do better than her.

 

I am now 27 years old. My brother is an RN and I am about to be an RN as well. We can basically be on our own. A month ago, my dad found a love letter in the garage written by my mom to another man. It was hidden inside one of her old purses. It wasn't much of a surprise because for the last 3 years, my mom would go downstairs in the middle of the night to talk on the phone, she had multiple cell phones, hidden passwords, and was very secretive of where she goes and who she talks to. Sometimes she comes home really late even past work and she suddenly had meetings she had to go to in a city 2 hours away every week. Long story short, this love letter my dad found was actually to her catholic priest. This man would always come to our house, sleep, and dine with us. She praised him because he was a young catholic priest and a man of God. I always found it weird that my mom was always happier whenever he was around. She never cooks and the only time she does is when he's coming over. I found it weird and so did everyone else but we never questioned it because he was a catholic priest for goodness sakes. This letter my dad found was to him. Long story short, her whole side of the family had her back and said that my mom didn't write it. That there were a few points written on the letter where it couldn't have been my mom. My father stupidly believes it. The excuse was that my mom forwarded that email from another woman that was in love with the priest. That this woman was a crack addict and was put into a mental hospital. My mom as a nurse went and visited her, exchanged email addresses and promised to forward an email she wrote to the priest and forward to him. I think its all a lie. There was no evidence of a forwarded email.

 

I haven't spoken to my mother in over 2 months. She moved out of the house after being accused and now lives in another home with other women - which she refuses to show my dad where she lives. We have no idea where she actually lives. She still fights him every day over the phone. She stopped paying my father for the house payments and now my dad has to take care of it all on his own. My father never deserved any of this. She talks about how he can have the house, the cars, and sometimes tells him that she's going to kill herself. (Which we all know she wouldn't do it because she loves herself too much) He told me a few days ago that he should've divorced my mom after 5 years of marriage but if he did, he wouldn't have had me and my brother.

 

My mom was so cruel to my father. She calls him ugly, a leppar (because my dad has psoriasis), said she could do better than him, how she makes more money than him and we wouldn't be living in our house if it wasn't for her and we should be thankful to her more than my dad. She discredits my dad and she always blames him for not disciplining us enough. She was jealous that my dad always had my side whenever there was a fight. Even when things were ok, she was never happy. She always talked about how she would rather live on her own, get her own place and how she didn't need us. But would always come back crying and wondering why does it seem like we stopped caring.

 

I have never had a successful relationship in my life. I have anger issues, trust issues and sometimes I provoke my boyfriends. Sometimes I feel like I'm sadistic because I push people away by hurting them whenever I'm mad and it makes me feel some sort of way. I feel like I'm slowly starting to realize that maybe I won't be able to have a normal relationship. I really did meet the love of my life. But because of my intense sensitivity, pain, and anger, we fight almost on a weekly basis.

 

I moved in with my boyfriend because I couldn't be around the drama at home anymore. My boyfriend and I fight and it kills me inside because I know I am the problem. I feel like I adapted a defense mechanism that protects my ego by being somewhat like my mother. Self-absorbed, guarded and always accuse him of being vicious when he's not. (I feel like an abused dog that just bites every time someone tries to be nice to it.) My boyfriend has put up with a lot and I want to be ready for a long-term relationship and even be married to this man. We both want to marry but he says the only thing thats holding us back is that our relationship is very unstable.

 

The other day I cried so hard. Ive never screamed that hard before. I've thought about hurting myself, even dying because if I ever end up like my mother I would rather die than be the woman she is.

 

Thinking back, I never felt loved by her. I think she is a low key sociopath. Everything was to benefit her and make her feel good about herself. She would only do nice things if she got something in return. When my brother and I got older, anytime she tried to put a hand on us, we got stronger enough to stop her hand from hurting us.

 

She was the type of woman that would save face in front of our other family and friends but as soon as we got home, it was like a dark cloud over the house. We could never just be a happy family. She truly believes there is nothing wrong with her. She's tried to get help before but never stayed compliant but ends up putting down the credentials of professionals. She's got a very black and white mentality. You're either good or bad. She only respects those who are stand up people (like priests). She swears she's a woman of God but she doesn't practice any of it. She's a liar, a cheater, a jealous, crazy, impulsive woman. I've said that to her siblings before and all they do is shake their head at me thinking I am a monster for thinking that of my mother. But I'm just saying the truth. They all have been hurt by my mother but because they are all so screwed up, they stick up for each other.

 

My mother and father are now getting a divorce.

 

I think that with the lack of self control and impulsivity I've seen growing up, I never had a real example except for my father. Now that I'm older, I don't even agree with how my dad handles things. He just takes the blame for everything, a total doormat and doesn't know how to put my mother in her place. He always says my mom is like an old dog, you can't teach her new tricks.

 

They are now getting a family therapist and they just started. The therapist said that she doesnt see anything wrong with my mother. My mother is very charming and is able to hide her true self. I try to stay strong for my dad and my brother. They both call me crying sometimes venting to me and I'm the only one that has to keep us strong and together.

 

This affects me so much because I want a happy family, I want to be normal, I want my boyfriend to be happy. I'm very hard on myself sometimes that it makes me depressed for a few days after our fights. When my own boyfriend and I have issues, I always break inside. I tell myself that I'm hopeless, useless, and unlovable. I have voices in my head telling me that my mother hates me and wishes I was never born, that my brother dislikes me and thinks I'm stupid, my dad is tired of standing up for me and fighting mom to keep the family together, my boyfriend is tired of my ****, my exes hate me, and the only thing keeping me alive is my selfishness. Sometimes I feel like I would be doing everyone a favor if I just fell off the face of this earth. Maybe I'm not cut out for love. I carry so much guilt thinking that I'm just unloveable.

 

I know I start the fights, and its always something small. But I think its because I'm low key miserable with my own life. I always end up pulling back my feelings and he hates whenever I do that because he said it makes him feel like I never loved him. I bite my tongue every time I feel anger. I don't know where to let out that anxiety but rationalize why this person wants to hurt me and the more I can't somehow explain myself, I feel even more misunderstood and more broken inside. I learned a maladaptive habit where I don't trust anyone easily, I don't let myself fall in love and I hurt others back and leave first before I can be left.

Edited July 20, 2016 by Cphoria43

[Lorenza]

I really tried to read it through but it's just way too long. I stopped at the paragraph you described how you have issues and provoke your boyfriend. Given in what household you grew it is understandable of course.

 

So the only thing I've got to say - you've got to break the chain. You have to do everything in your power to get all the help and therapy you need to not repeat what your mother made you and your family go through, what her granny made your mom go through and so on. From what I read, it seems like your headed down that path and would yourself create a dysfunctional family and your kids would probably just continue on the same line when they grow up. So really, work with the professionals. Do it for you and your future husband/children.

 

And one more thing - you got to move on from your mom. Stop lingering on what she did and continues doing. She's toxic and you need that person out of your life and your mind, doesn't matter that she's your mom (and this comes from someone who grew up in a culture where family bonds matter a loooot - even I would move on from a mom like yours).

[Downtown]

I have never had a successful relationship in my life. I have anger issues, trust issues and sometimes I provoke my boyfriends.... I push people away by hurting them.... because of my intense sensitivity, pain, and anger, we fight almost on a weekly basis.

Cphoria, the behaviors you describe for yourself -- i.e., the self loathing, inability to trust, anger issues, verbal abuse, thoughts about self harming, repeated relationship cycle of push-away and pull-back, and intense sensitivity -- are classic traits of BPD behavior. I mention this because, if you have strong BPD traits and don't seek treatment, you will always find yourself in a lose/lose situation with your BF.

 

This lose/lose predicament arises because a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, whenever you move away from the conditions that trigger one fear, you necessarily are moving closer to triggering the other fear. Specifically, as you draw close to your BF to assure yourself of his love and devotion by obtaining intimacy (thus reducing your abandonment fear), you will start triggering your engulfment fear.

 

Like nearly everyone else, you will crave intimacy -- but you won't be able to tolerate it for very long. If you are a BPDer (i.e., if you exhibit strong and persistent traits), you have a weak fragile sense of self identity. This means that you cannot tolerate intimacy for very long because you will quickly feel suffocated and controlled by your BF's strong personality. The result is that you will then create a fight, over absolutely nothing at all, to push him away and give you breathing space. This feeling of suffocation and engulfment is why -- if you're a BPDer -- your WORST behavior typically occurs during or immediately after the very BEST of times.

 

If this description rings many bells, I would suggest you read the book, Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD. I also would suggest you see a good psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what issues you may be dealing with. If it turns out that you really do exhibit strong BPD traits, you will be able to take advantage of the excellent treatment programs available in major cities throughout California. Programs like DBT and CBT can teach you how to better regulate your own emotions, thereby reducing the intense feelings that distort your perceptions of your BF's intentions and motivations. Take care, Cphoria.

[SpiralOut]

Seek out individual counselling for yourself. If possible, find someone who specializes in narcissism and/or child abuse.

 

Also give this book a read: The Dance of Anger.