Husband had an affair... Separated

[heartwhole]

I can't see telling my children either beyond "your father and I are having some problems." Just like we didn't tell our parents. Some things are just between spouses. Now, believe me, I told people that I needed to support me, and I didn't worry about his shame, because my need for support trumped his need for discretion. But of course I chose those people carefully. I just don't think that every single family member needs to know the nitty-gritty of your marriage, including children.

[Married1988]

I'd say how I feel as a whole is more important then how he feels right now, but I'm still married to him. I still have feelings for him and his feelings even though he disregarded mine are important. They shouldn't be but they are. I am thinking of myself first, hence why he doesn't live with me right now.

 

All I really want from him right now is to feel guilty, feel shame in him self not shame from other people. I don't want to be the wife or ex wife that walks around with people whispering that she was cheated on. Or for people to assume it was something I did, or didn't do. I take no blame for what he had done because I didn't make him cheat. For any problems that went on in the marriage, I take fifty perfect of the blame.

 

I've told a few friends, and my brother. My mother doesn't know and I hope she never finds out. It break her heart because she loved my husband as son.

 

This is a little off topic and no one has mentioned it in any of their comments but my friend brought it up. She said why am I not mad at the other woman. I haven't confronted her or really called her any names, but doesn't mean I'm not mad at her. The only person who I believe deserves my wrath is my husband. She doesn't owe me anything. For all I know she doesn't even know I exist. But if she were to confront me in public or bash me on social media then maybe then I'd get mad. But until then, she is just a woman who invaded my marriage and that my husband allowed too. She is nothing but an easy lay that may end up costing my husband his marriage.

[heartwhole]

I think it's very common for women to stew about the other woman. I certainly have. But you are absolutely right that she doesn't have anything to do with you. There are countless people in this world who make bad choices, and I can't worry about all of them, nor should the sanctity of my marriage hinge on women who are strangers to me refusing to sleep with my husband. I can only worry about the people I choose to build my life with.

[standtall]

standtall: I don't know if your comment was in general or towards me, but the last thing I want to do is to shame my husband. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry. I'm sure his brother knows what happened or some minimized version of the story because he had to ask to stay there.

 

 

My apologies...actually it was not addressed to you at all. I wrote it poorly. It was addressed to some of the OP's that were encouraging you too. I am glad to hear that your not being persuaded to air dirty laundry with people that don't have a need to know. Again..I feel for you...spouses can stab you like no other sometimes.

[Married1988]

I just got off the phone with my daughter. She is coming tonight. She said that she really needs to get away so booked a flight for this evening. So in four hours I'm going to pick her up from the airport. I don't know how this is going to go, with my husband temporary coming home while she is here. With her own break up, I don't want her to hurt.

[dichotomy]

I just got off the phone with my daughter. She is coming tonight. She said that she really needs to get away so booked a flight for this evening. So in four hours I'm going to pick her up from the airport. I don't know how this is going to go, with my husband temporary coming home while she is here. With her own break up, I don't want her to hurt.

 

As a young adult - this maybe a good discussion for both of you - a sharing event.

 

Only thing I would advise - as you are hurting - is to realize your husband is also her dad. If he has been a good dad, and was even good husband for parts 20+ years that should be part of the discussions. No bashing - just a good discussion on love, loss, marriages and life I think.

[Married1988]

Both my daughters know.

I picked my youngest daughter up from the airport. My oldest daughter came over. My husband didn't end up coming until about half an hour ago. Well what happened was My oldest, told my youngest that Dad wasn't living at home anymore and didn't know why so they confronted us demanding the truth.

 

Surprisingly, my husband did the talking. He sat them down and said he made a terrible mistake. I think he was hoping they would drop it there but they demanded to know. So he said he had an affair and that he wished he could take it back. They asked a few more questions, and then asked if we are getting a divorce.

 

I told them I wasn't sure yet, but whatever we choose we want you to both know we loved them. They are a little pissed off at their dad but so far not so bad. My youngest daughter is a little quiet, and sometime tonight or tomorrow I'm going to have a heart to heart with her and see where she is at.

[understand50]

Married1988,

 

Now that you kids know, and your husband was the one to tell them, you do have some "proof" that he is beginning to see what he has done have have remorse about it. It seems you are on the fence about reconciling, and want to see how things work out. Your idea, about trying to keep things between you and your BS is a sound one. No matter what you decide, reconciliation or divorce, things are a lot harder trying to work things out with a audience, and cheering sections for each side.

 

Take your time, and decide. Let it be your decision, and what is best for you. Ether divorce, or reconciliation will be hard, but each has its own pros and cons. I, for one, am in the reconciliation camp, and think, in the long run, it has better rewards then just divorcing. Others here, are for divorce in all cases. What is "real life", is something in between, and depends on your situation. In any case, I would suggest you read the top post in this thread to give you some idea of what you BS should be doing if he is sincere in trying to keep your marriage.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

BTW, you may want to give him a copy. This is not instinct, and who knows may open his eyes. If you do reconcile, there are couples that have been successful at it, and can help. Others are a work in progress. Myself, I think reconciliation, is always a work in progress, but I would apply the same to marriage in general.

 

Remember, if you give him a second chance it is a gift, and he needs to see it as such. Keep in mind as well, that while he does have much heavy lifting to do, you will also have much hard work as well. You both are going to have to want to make reconciliation work. I think to have a "good" divorce, the same could be said. You can make something out of this, you can have a future together, but you will need to work at it. His infidelity, will always color your relationship, and you and he need to come to terms that it happened.

 

You both share children, and to some degree, will have to interact with each other. If you do divorce, keep in mind that your kids will want you two together from time to time, if nothing more to be in the picture when things happen in their life. Divorce and time does not stop you from having to be a parent, and no matter what their age, sometime they will need both Mom and Dad working nicely together.

 

In closing, I would like to say you have done well in your handling of this. You are stronger then you may think, and whatever path you take, reconciliation or divorce, you will be OK, and you will persevere.

 

I wish you luck, and the outcome you want.

[Married1988]

I have to say we handled it well. My husband and I talked until the wee hours of the morning. THere wasn't any yelling but a lot of tears. My husband is not one to cry. He didn't even cry when his mother passed away. But he was devastated. He told me over the past few weeks he has hit rock bottom. He hates the person he had become. I know they are just words, but I believe him when he says he wants to change. Of course him admitting his fault to our daughters was a great step in the right direction. I'm unfortunately still firmly on the fence.

 

As for my two daughters. I talked to my oldest briefly this morning. She told me she was surprised, that her dad could do something like that. She did say she wants to stay neutral and not pick sides. I told her that was fine. I really mean it because I don't want her to pick sides. After everything she had to deal with I don't blame her for not wanting to cause tension to her self.

 

My youngest daughter is another story. She and I had just returned back from lunch. She is devastated. She was a daddy's girl and out of the two daughters was closer to her father. She admitted to me that her ex boyfriend cheated on her, and that is why they broke up. So my worst case worries became a reality. This was what I didn't want. She is starting to second guess herself about dumping her boyfriend. I reassured her that infedility is handled by people differently. If she doesn't want to be with someone who cheated on her especially before marriage then she shouldn't settle for less.

 

It was a decent conversation but I think it made her feel a little better. She did tell her dad how she felt. I found him outside in his truck just sobbing. The consequences are reeling.

[Whoknew30]

My H began his A after I had a "terminal" illness (I survived by an inch . A marriage goes through major changes when a spouse is sick & a lot of the time the emotional part of it really isn't confronted bc survival is obviously more important than focusing on the emotional aspect at the time but it can cause a emotional discontent long term without either spouse realizing it. Now we were young when we went through all of that but I don't think the age would have changed the result. Due to him thinking he was going to lose me, he pulled away, he didn't realize that's what he was doing but I've been with him since I was a teen & could see what everyone else couldn't. I'm not defending any of it, we just went to enough MC that his feelings eventually came out & I eventually understood his feelings, wether they were right I wrong. I ended up also having an A also, basically a revenge A that didn't help anything.

 

We got through it & just hearing all the pain that he went through (he handled it wrong of course) & the pain that I went through bc of it (I also handled it wrong) brought us closer in a way we would have never been. Now I don't know if your H went through the same kind of feelings mine did while I was sick but if you read up, A after a spouse had a illness is common. I hope with all your history that you two can get through this & be stronger...you've both been through a lot & sometimes people make bad choices during emotionally rough times...good luck to you

[Just a Guy]

Hi Married, very sorry to see you here and hurting so much. 31 years of knowing your husband and 28 years of marriage almost seem like eternity and so it is difficult to understand how your husband succumbed to temptation so easily. It takes a lot of disrespect on his part to ignore the value of what he had with you and a tremendous sense of self entitlement for him to have done what he did.

Having read your OP and subsequent posts I have to say that although he does seem to have realized the depth of his degradation at least to some extent, the fracture in your marriage is too deep and too severe for either of you to recover from, to be able to continue this union. The fact is that because you have been married for so long your marriage is as if it is set in stone. This incident with your husband is like an earthquake has struck and the foundation itself has been demolished. You mentioned in your OP that you had lost respect for your husband and I would think you would never ever really be able to recover even a fraction of the respect you once had for him.

Having said that I would think that for you to try and reconcile with your husband in the light of what had happened may just not work out. Rather than prolonging your agony and deciding six months or a year later that it is not working out, it may be better to part in an amicable manner so that in the future as patents you will not harbour any animosity toward one another when you have to meet up for family events. Usually I am a proponent of reconciliation and making things work and in your case there may be a slim chance that it may work if your husband puts in the effort. However, you will be the best judge of that possibility and it is you who will have to make that call. Your husband lost that right when he cheated. Take your time and think things over. The folks here are a great support and resource for you to draw inspiration from. Warm wishes and the best of luck!

[Married1988]

Who Knew: I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010, and was finished with treatments in 2011 and have been cancer free ever since. So I don't think my illness was what drove him to cheat on me. I'm not sure what the reason was but like some of said, it could have been a a moment of oppurtunity. I don't think he decided one day, that he was going to go cheat on me but when he got some attention, his ego inflated. Doesn't make it right or better but it is what I gather.

 

Just a Guy: It is hard to comprehend why he did it. I don't think he even truly knows except it just being an ego boost. I have always complimented him, and done everything for him from cooking his meals, washing his clothes, keeping our house clean and keeping our family together. If there was something he wanted I'd do whatever it took to make sure his needs were taking care off. Which to me makes it that much more bizarre and more hurtful.

 

As for the foundation of our marriage. It has been shattered and if we are lucky, only cracked. I'm not at a place to say whether I want to give up on the marriage or not. A lot of respect has been shattered and its hard to say if I'll ever get that back. But I can't say for certain that their is no chance for us to stay together. We shared 31 years together and I do believe my husband loves me. But the betrayal has definitely put some doubt in my mind if I can ever love him the same way. I always loved him for his integrity and loyalty. Which he has neither of us anymore.

[Whoknew30]

Who Knew: I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010, and was finished with treatments in 2011 and have been cancer free ever since. So I don't think my illness was what drove him to cheat on me. I'm not sure what the reason was but like some of said, it could have been a a moment of oppurtunity. I don't think he decided one day, that he was going to go cheat on me but when he got some attention, his ego inflated. Doesn't make it right or better but it is what I gather.

 

Just a Guy: It is hard to comprehend why he did it. I don't think he even truly knows except it just being an ego boost. I have always complimented him, and done everything for him from cooking his meals, washing his clothes, keeping our house clean and keeping our family together. If there was something he wanted I'd do whatever it took to make sure his needs were taking care off. Which to me makes it that much more bizarre and more hurtful.

 

As for the foundation of our marriage. It has been shattered and if we are lucky, only cracked. I'm not at a place to say whether I want to give up on the marriage or not. A lot of respect has been shattered and its hard to say if I'll ever get that back. But I can't say for certain that their is no chance for us to stay together. We shared 31 years together and I do believe my husband loves me. But the betrayal has definitely put some doubt in my mind if I can ever love him the same way. I always loved him for his integrity and loyalty. Which he has neither of us anymore.

 

My H A started several years after I was recovered. The pulling away began when I was sick. That's what I meant, we never covered all that we had actually been through, so when he got the opportunity (when a younger girl have him attention) he jumped. When your sick, the fear sticks & the emotional burden stick unless actually confronted. Now you're right, no clue if that's what it was but if you two have never truly discussed the emotion of it, then how do you know? Have you guys got into MC (if so I didn't read that part)...you'd be amazed with some of the things that come out from even years of build up when you really get to the point of an open mind & heart. I begged & tried MC & he finally only went bc of my A, it was his realization that he could really lose me. I don't recommend my way (not right) but a H that really loves his wife & willing to keep her is usually willing to reveal things she has never heard before & a good MC can really help bring it all out. Certain things in life can have a lasting impact on someone without a spouse ever knowing it.

 

no one can tell you how to feel or wether you should stay & or can get passed it but it is worth trying everything you can, so wether you do stay or go, you

Wont continue to question you'll finale decision (that IMO would be internal agony) makes closure in either instance a "little" easier...

[Married1988]

Well since the husband is back in the house while my youngest daughter is here. I'm finding it extremely difficult. We are both awkward around one another. Him most likely because he doesn't want to do or say the wrong thing. I'm just trying so hard to be in the same room but it's eating myself up inside. Any advice? I'm in the anger stage mixed in with some serious sadness.

[MJJean]

If you want the the marriage to be saved, but are concerned he isn't remorseful, I say let him see your pain and anger. Seeing your pain and feeling your rage should be eye opening for him. You don't have to be a psycho, you can politely lose your sh*t if that's your style, but let him see the damage he did. How can he feel remorse if he doesn't know the total consequences of his actions?

[Married1988]

I don't know if I'll survive him being here. We were eating dinner like nothing, when I had to excuse myself. Nothing was said in particular but my heart just hurts so badly. I went and cried. He of course came to try and comfort me and I kept pushing him away. I ended up saying, he was the last person I wanted to see.

[frogss29]

Married 1988, I think it is good he is there. You had some time 'separated' but maybe that stopped you from feeling and facing all these emotions.

Maybe having him there, and having to face exactly what he has done, will give you both a chance to work through it.

For us, it took a long 6 months of very intense conversations,and crying, and sometimes screaming.

And then another year of working through it

And then MORE time working through it.

I admire the fact that you kicked him out. I really do.

But, if you want to work it out and stay married, you need to talk....and scream and cry. And he needs to be there to help you through it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Married, having read your latest post I would think that you would be far better off if you asked your husband to leave again. The purpose of his having come home has been served and both your daughters now know what happened. At this point I should think your emotions are too raw to be able to tolerate having him around and, in fact, may result in a build up of resentment against him which could have further lasting negative effect on a possible future with him. It is best that he removes himself from the scene and I am sure both your daughters will understand why you need him out of the house. As far as your husband is concerned I would think he should have the sense to realize that his presence at this point in time is traumatic for you and he himself should think of removing himself from the scene.

As far as deciding your future course of action is concerned as others have already said, you should postpone all such decisions for the time being. Take time to grieve over your lost marriage and let your emotions subside to an extent that you can begin to take rational decisions again keeping your best interests at heart.

What surprises me about your husband:s decision to involve himself in a messy affair is that he is 52 years old and his OW was only 29. The massive age difference itself should have been a deterrent for him. At his age he seems to have displayed a singular lack of maturity. Also as the father of two girls, he should have been more circumspect in taking advantage of a young woman who is almost the same age as his older one. This is not to dismiss any wrong doing on the part of his OW who might have thrown herself at him. She may be a broken individual but that is all the more reason for him to have steered clear of her. I sincerely hope he has learnt his lesson for all time to come. Warm wishes!

Edited July 24, 2016 by Just a Guy

[elaine567]

I don't know if I'll survive him being here. We were eating dinner like nothing, when I had to excuse myself. Nothing was said in particular but my heart just hurts so badly. I went and cried. He of course came to try and comfort me and I kept pushing him away. I ended up saying, he was the last person I wanted to see.

 

I am with Just a guy, you need space from him.

YOU need the support of your girls now, not have to put a brave face on it and act as if things are normal with your husband.

He needs to go and leave you alone until you sort out your head, he being there is just twisting the knife deeper.

[road]

Marriages do not recover if the WS and BS stay separated.

 

 

Normal behavior for the BS to have an anger phase. The anger phase of recovery starts about six months past D day and lasts for about a period of six months.

 

 

One day at a time.

[Married1988]

My husband slept on the couch last night and will move into our oldest daughter's old room tonight. She stayed the night for a few nights but now is going home. It's been a tough day yesterday, but hoping today is a little better. My daughter and I are going to go shopping this afternoon and her dad is going to take her golfing tonight. This gives me some time apart with him. So here's hoping to a better day.

[Winterina]

Married1988, what was your sex life like with your husband?

 

Are you sure this is the first time he has done this, or is this just the first time he got caught?

[elaine567]

Are you sure this is the first time he has done this, or is this just the first time he got caught?

 

That is my concern too.

Much, much younger woman (29), cold approach in a bar, then "coincidentally" met her again in the restaurant she worked in. Rapidly changed texts to emails to stop being caught.

Sounds a bit too smooth an operation for a 52 year old family guy who has been out of the dating game for 31 years...

[Winterina]

That is my concern too.

Much, much younger woman (29), cold approach in a bar, then "coincidentally" met her again in the restaurant she worked in. Rapidly changed texts to emails to stop being caught.

Sounds a bit too smooth an operation for a 52 year old family guy who has been out of the dating game for 31 years...

 

I was asking because I know a guy who cheated for the past 30 years on his wife, and everyone knows that except for her. Even if his affair came out, he would be able to claim it was the only time and they would find a way to work through it without her ever finding out about 20 other affairs.

 

Not everyone is the same of course, and this was not a suggestion that it is what is happening in OP's case. She should, however, do some research into his past emails and texts, and ask him some more questions to see his reaction (they never admit unless you have a hard proof and they cannot wiggle they way out of it).

 

If it is his first affair, she might find a way to work through it.

If it was happening every now and then, it is a whole different situation, as it means it is a part of his character and not just a mistake he made.

[Married1988]

I don't doubt that his account of what happened wasn't the entire truth or went exactly that smoothly. But that is something I'll have to get to the bottom of. As for past emails, phones etc. I do recall some of the email exchanges seeming a little "much" you can say. Like he was trying too hard to impress her so I do have a hunch that this was a one time affair. But who knows. I think a polygraph test would be the only way to clear that up for me.