Husband had an affair... Separated

[BluesPower]

Just take your time, going to the lawyer makes it a lot more real. It often makes you take a step back.

 

This is really new still, and I am not saying to R or D. But you don't have to rush. That much I can say.

 

Take a deep breath, take to time to figure out what you want to do.

 

When my wife had an affair, I literally could not think for 3 months. It took that long to start thinking about what I wanted to do and a lot longer to figure it out.

 

Hang in there...

[Married1988]

I've been missing him so much. We had been texting back and forth and earlier this evening he convinced me to meet for coffee to talk. I agreed. He brought me flowers and we had a decent talk.

 

We talked about the affair for a bit but the conversation steered away into more casual talk. He says he misses me and I admitted I missed him. We had a few good laughs but mostly tears.

 

I hugged him goodbye which was something I wasn't able to do since I decided I wanted out of the marriage. I decided to just take some time to decide what I want. My husband is remorseful and would do anything to save our marriage. I'm just kind of going through the emotions.

 

I guess time will tell.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I've been missing him so much. We had been texting back and forth and earlier this evening he convinced me to meet for coffee to talk. I agreed. He brought me flowers and we had a decent talk.

 

We talked about the affair for a bit but the conversation steered away into more casual talk. He says he misses me and I admitted I missed him. We had a few good laughs but mostly tears.

 

I hugged him goodbye which was something I wasn't able to do since I decided I wanted out of the marriage. I decided to just take some time to decide what I want. My husband is remorseful and would do anything to save our marriage. I'm just kind of going through the emotions.

 

I guess time will tell.

 

Married, I'm not sure this will help, but I wanted to tell you that years on, your deep sadness is, to me, palpable, and that allowing yourself to feel that deep sorrow is part of a process I believe.

 

I fully understand the business of not wanting to permanently alter a life built with such purpose and with commitment. I didn't either, but at the same time had moments where i truly hated my husband's guts for intentionally destroying our lives and our dreams, and wanted him to leave and never come back.

 

I would stare at him when he wasn't looking, and feel positively sick to my stomach and want to punch his seemingly smug face right in (my imagination would have an alarmingly vivid free reign in those moments).

 

BUT..once I stepped away from the tornado, made my feelings, needs and wishes perfectly clear, a light went on and I understood that I was no longer the passenger in this off road vehicle, I was the DRIVER. The funny thing is, when my husband witnessed this, he too FULLY understood just what that meant.

 

It took over a year for my physical self to return to a normal state, and him too. He had developed a hypertensive condition, and I had suffered an acute glaucoma through the overwhelming stress of it.

 

Like you, we built a home and a life together that reflected our efforts and who we are. You don't simply throw that away without great consideration of the after shocks do you?

 

Deciding which path is best in this situation is monumentally difficult and not only because the paths are littered with pitfalls whichever you choose, but also for the far reaching effects of those choices.

 

I would also say that while the marriage is never the same again, and I agree with you married, the painful destruction of wonderful memories made together is almost unbearable at the time, it can be a satisfying 'different'. The key, I believe, is finding that part of you that lives with the scar in the full knowledge that it won't ever really go away, simply fade as all scars do.

 

Even if you decide it is too unbearable and divorce is the only road to take, it still lives there, in the corner of your heart and mind. I used to go through phases where I thought divorce would relieve me of it all and initially it was the obvious answer when one is thrown into the pit unexpectedly its about survival,but of course, it's a scar, so it will still be there and is unaffected by your decisions primarily.

 

I believe time is what you need, and you seem to be a level headed and shrewd woman, so take it. You don't have to do anything until you're ready.

 

I will repeat a little advice I use here occasionally, that my dear Mummy would impart to me sometimes. She would say, 'Darling, if you don't know what to do just now, then do nothing until you do'. Wise words I still abide by.

 

I wish you with all sincerity married, moments of the kind of peace that allows you to find your way through this terrible time.

 

 

Cuckoo x

[Married1988]

My daughter called me last night. She and her boyfriend got back together. She told me she missed him and is giving him another chance. Then we talked about her first day back what is her final year of university. Just before we ended the call she said she thought I should give dad another chance.

 

I haven't totally shut my husband out. We talk every day and he came over the other night to talk and I made us dinner. It was pretty low-key. I'm not as angry as I was when I found out, but I'm so sad almost defeated. I no longer feel special in our marriage. Our marriage no long feels special. Like there is this gaping wound that won't close.

 

I know it is still early but I'm really struggling.

[ladydesigner]

My daughter called me last night. She and her boyfriend got back together. She told me she missed him and is giving him another chance. Then we talked about her first day back what is her final year of university. Just before we ended the call she said she thought I should give dad another chance.

 

I haven't totally shut my husband out. We talk every day and he came over the other night to talk and I made us dinner. It was pretty low-key. I'm not as angry as I was when I found out, but I'm so sad almost defeated. I no longer feel special in our marriage. Our marriage no long feels special. Like there is this gaping wound that won't close.

 

I know it is still early but I'm really struggling.

 

I think that is probably the hardest part for a BS is knowing the old M is dead and is why it no longer feels special. A new M needs to come about and hopefully your WS is willing to put in the work to become a better and safer person to you.

[kgcolonel]

My daughter called me last night. She and her boyfriend got back together. She told me she missed him and is giving him another chance. Then we talked about her first day back what is her final year of university. Just before we ended the call she said she thought I should give dad another chance.

 

I haven't totally shut my husband out. We talk every day and he came over the other night to talk and I made us dinner. It was pretty low-key. I'm not as angry as I was when I found out, but I'm so sad almost defeated. I no longer feel special in our marriage. Our marriage no long feels special. Like there is this gaping wound that won't close.

 

I know it is still early but I'm really struggling.

 

Married....I know this really hurts...one thing to think about...the "gaping wound will take both of you to close and time to heal, if you want it to". One always has choices in life, you can chose to walk away and you can chose to mend....if you were to chose to mend, close your eyes and visualize what you'd want the marriage to look like. Next time you cook dinner or have dinner with your H, go deep, tell him that if you're going to chose to heal this marriage, this is what you will need it to look like. Ask him if he's all in....if there's any question in his mind, there's your answer....might be worth the try though.....

[dreamingoftigers]

My daughter called me last night. She and her boyfriend got back together. She told me she missed him and is giving him another chance. Then we talked about her first day back what is her final year of university. Just before we ended the call she said she thought I should give dad another chance.

 

I haven't totally shut my husband out. We talk every day and he came over the other night to talk and I made us dinner. It was pretty low-key. I'm not as angry as I was when I found out, but I'm so sad almost defeated. I no longer feel special in our marriage. Our marriage no long feels special. Like there is this gaping wound that won't close.

 

I know it is still early but I'm really struggling.

 

IME, it's no longer "special."

 

It's not even an exclusive club. Anyone with a Vagina that will flatter yoir husband can join.

 

That feeling never went away for me, I stayed, thought things were getting better for me emotionally, and then have had a second child with him and resent it all more than ever.

 

He's put in effort over the last year, but it's still not a priority, and he just coasts on everything.

 

I honestly believe if some chick were to throw himself at him, he sure wouldn't stop her, and if he didn't take her up on the offer, it would only be because he's too lazy to do so. Or doesn't want to lose the convenience of home.

[sc0316]

My daughter called me last night. She and her boyfriend got back together. She told me she missed him and is giving him another chance. Then we talked about her first day back what is her final year of university. Just before we ended the call she said she thought I should give dad another chance.

 

I haven't totally shut my husband out. We talk every day and he came over the other night to talk and I made us dinner. It was pretty low-key. I'm not as angry as I was when I found out, but I'm so sad almost defeated. I no longer feel special in our marriage. Our marriage no long feels special. Like there is this gaping wound that won't close.

 

I know it is still early but I'm really struggling.

 

I'm sorry for what you have to go through. Your daughter is an adult, right? You should make the decision based on what is best for you; she should not try to influence your decision.

[Married1988]

IME, it's no longer "special."

 

It's not even an exclusive club. Anyone with a Vagina that will flatter yoir husband can join.

 

That feeling never went away for me, I stayed, thought things were getting better for me emotionally, and then have had a second child with him and resent it all more than ever.

 

He's put in effort over the last year, but it's still not a priority, and he just coasts on everything.

 

I honestly believe if some chick were to throw himself at him, he sure wouldn't stop her, and if he didn't take her up on the offer, it would only be because he's too lazy to do so. Or doesn't want to lose the convenience of home.

 

 

I 99% believe if the opportunity presented itself again he wouldn't give in. I say 99% because there is always that 1% chance, doubt in my head that he would.

 

I truly believe my husband regrets what he did. Not just because he got caught but because he is ashamed that he used to be this wonderful man, loyal and full of integrity. He is embarrassed and saddened that he threw away our marriage for someone so insignificant. If he could go back he would. I believe him when he says that. It comes down to the fact it happened, that he did inflict this damage to our marriage. No matter how much we both wish he didn't. The gaping hole is there. He wants to work on our marriage. He is all in, but its me holding back.

[dreamingoftigers]

I 99% believe if the opportunity presented itself again he wouldn't give in. I say 99% because there is always that 1% chance, doubt in my head that he would.

 

I truly believe my husband regrets what he did. Not just because he got caught but because he is ashamed that he used to be this wonderful man, loyal and full of integrity. He is embarrassed and saddened that he threw away our marriage for someone so insignificant. If he could go back he would. I believe him when he says that. It comes down to the fact it happened, that he did inflict this damage to our marriage. No matter how much we both wish he didn't. The gaping hole is there. He wants to work on our marriage. He is all in, but its me holding back.

 

I remember believing that about my husband.

 

I wish I still did

[wmacbride]

I 99% believe if the opportunity presented itself again he wouldn't give in. I say 99% because there is always that 1% chance, doubt in my head that he would.

 

I truly believe my husband regrets what he did. Not just because he got caught but because he is ashamed that he used to be this wonderful man, loyal and full of integrity. He is embarrassed and saddened that he threw away our marriage for someone so insignificant. If he could go back he would. I believe him when he says that. It comes down to the fact it happened, that he did inflict this damage to our marriage. No matter how much we both wish he didn't. The gaping hole is there. He wants to work on our marriage. He is all in, but its me holding back.

 

If you don't mind some advice, hard as it may be, don't let him be the focus of your life right now. That sounds like a tall order, but use this time as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and what makes you happy. Try joining a local club, volunteering with a cause you believe in, or even take a short vacation on your own.

 

This doesn't mean you are bound to either divorce or reconcile, but the more you learn about yourself, the better a decision you will be able to make about what is right for you. It will also give you something to focus on during times when you feel you are really struggling emotionally.

[elaine567]

My daughter called me last night. She and her boyfriend got back together. She told me she missed him and is giving him another chance. Then we talked about her first day back what is her final year of university. Just before we ended the call she said she thought I should give dad another chance.

.

 

That is because she needs validation. It is her choice to take back her cheating man. It would make her feel a lot better about her choice to stay, knowing that you did the same.

Similarly if she had decided to go and never look back, she would be advising you to leave and never look back, as that would confirm to her she did the right thing.

 

So it is not about her thinking that you and her father would be better together, it is about her not wanting to be out on a limb and not feeling like a fool for taking her cheating bf back, when (and if) you having suffered the same blow, stand firmly for continued separation and probable divorce.

[Popsicle]

That is because she needs validation. It is her choice to take back her cheating man. It would make her feel a lot better about her choice to stay, knowing that you did the same.

Similarly if she had decided to go and never look back, she would be advising you to leave and never look back, as that would confirm to her she did the right thing.

 

So it is not about her thinking that you and her father would be better together, it is about her not wanting to be out on a limb and not feeling like a fool for taking her cheating bf back, when (and if) you having suffered the same blow, stand firmly for continued separation and probable divorce.

 

Elaine nailed it.

 

Yes so true. I have a friend who is a serial cheater but denies it. I have a boyfriend and do not cheat and have told her that but she is constantly encouraging, even pressuring me to cheat on my BF if another guy even glances at me. When I am single she never bothers. She also encourages me to break up with mine whenever she breaks up with hers.

 

And I know I'm too late but I'm in the camp of not telling the kids.

[Popsicle]

I 99% believe if the opportunity presented itself again he wouldn't give in. I say 99% because there is always that 1% chance, doubt in my head that he would.

 

I truly believe my husband regrets what he did. Not just because he got caught but because he is ashamed that he used to be this wonderful man, loyal and full of integrity. He is embarrassed and saddened that he threw away our marriage for someone so insignificant. If he could go back he would. I believe him when he says that. It comes down to the fact it happened, that he did inflict this damage to our marriage. No matter how much we both wish he didn't. The gaping hole is there. He wants to work on our marriage. He is all in, but its me holding back.

 

You should not feel any obligation to take him back just because he's sorry and wants to stay. I don't care how sincere he is. The damage is still done and this will haunt YOU forever, if you stay.

[Popsicle]

 

I know it is still early but I'm really struggling.

 

End this torment and misery now.

Don't stay out of convenience or because you are dreaming.

[understand50]

Married1988,

 

You are getting much advise ether way, "take him back", "divorce him" From my point of view, as one who did take someone "back" and have not lived to regret it, I can give some insight. Others can as well. There are some of use who have reconciled, with success to various degrees.

 

1) The hurt and pain, and feeling that your marriage and relationship is not special, will pass and get less over time. In the short time you have been here, you have seen this for yourself. It will take time. There are things you can do. One is interact, with your husband is such a way, where you can grow new memories. Dating each other will help. If you can not do this at this time, fine, but work up to a point where you can interact with him from a good position. Keep in mind you anger, pain and hurt, will remain with you. You will never forget, but remind yourself, that if you have forgiven him, you need to keep it at bay. I am still angry at my wife for what she did all those years ago, I just remind myself, that we have worked it out. Again, this works for me, and may for you, but you will need to find your own way.

 

2) On the subject of your husband cheating again. You are right, his odds are low. If he is truly remorseful, the odds are low. I do not care who you are, everyone has the capacity to cheat under the right circumstances, but it come down to odds. The old saw, "once a cheater, always a cheater" does not always apply. If we believe in redemption, then we believe that one can change or recover from this and lead a good life going forward. He can not undo what he did, but he knows the damage caused. Not only to you, the one he loves, but to himself as well.

 

 

3) I have stated in other posts that reconciliation is hard work. Maybe harder then just divorcing. Both side have things to do. The BS, has most of the heavy lifting, but you have things to do as well. There is a thread, "There are responsibilities for a BS in reconciliation." where what a BS can do to help things along, both for themselves and for their spouse. It is not meant as a way for the BS to get off the hook, but I think the conversation approaches it from a point of view of "we both want this to work, what do I do?" Again, I do not make light, or try to excuse what he did, but I think a thought out strategy on both sides for reconciliation, works best.

 

All of the above assumes that you want to, of have decided to reconcile. You may still be on the fence, and that is fine. Your pain and hurt may be too fresh. I wanted you to know, that for ether way you may go, there is hope. Some of us have reconciled and are happy with our chose. Divorce remains a option, now and always.

 

Ether way, I wish you luck, and the best possible outcome......

[elaine567]

 

3) I have stated in other posts that reconciliation is hard work. Maybe harder then just divorcing. Both side have things to do. The BS, has most of the heavy lifting, but you have things to do as well. There is a thread, "There are responsibilities for a BS in reconciliation." where what a BS can do to help things along, both for themselves and for their spouse. It is not meant as a way for the BS to get off the hook, but I think the conversation approaches it from a point of view of "we both want this to work, what do I do?" Again, I do not make light, or try to excuse what he did, but I think a thought out strategy on both sides for reconciliation, works best.

.

 

A bit confused there, the OP is the BS (betrayed spouse)

Why would the BS need to be let off the hook or do most of the heavy lifting, she is not the one who cheated, surely that should be the WS(wandering spouse).

[understand50]

A bit confused there, the OP is the BS (betrayed spouse)

Why would the BS need to be let off the hook or do most of the heavy lifting, she is not the one who cheated, surely that should be the WS(wandering spouse).

 

I miss spoke, I meant the WS.

[stillafool]

You should not feel any obligation to take him back just because he's sorry and wants to stay. I don't care how sincere he is. The damage is still done and this will haunt YOU forever, if you stay.

 

I kind of agree with this. He wouldn't have stopped if he hadn't been caught. Is he really going to be able to get this girls 29 year old body out of his mind is what I would be worried about.

[stillafool]

That is because she needs validation. It is her choice to take back her cheating man. It would make her feel a lot better about her choice to stay, knowing that you did the same.

Similarly if she had decided to go and never look back, she would be advising you to leave and never look back, as that would confirm to her she did the right thing.

 

So it is not about her thinking that you and her father would be better together, it is about her not wanting to be out on a limb and not feeling like a fool for taking her cheating bf back, when (and if) you having suffered the same blow, stand firmly for continued separation and probable divorce.

 

Also there is a big difference in the relationship of 22 year olds dating and a marriage of 30 years. Young people are expected to date, break up, get back together, break up and move on. There's absolutely no comparison between your daughters love affairs and a long marriage.

[Married1988]

I guess after reading over these posts after my last update I want to clarify. I don't compare my daughter's relationship with my marriage. I don't want to discount her relationship as not being important or her decision as no big deal. I did tell her I thought she needed to think this through. She is young, smart, and has no emotional ties to this man. She is not married and has not had children with him. But at the end of the day, its her decision and I'll be there for her if need be.

 

As for my own marriage. If I didn't have children, over 30 years of history with this man I would have been gone. I compare how empty I feel right now after 30 years, and history and I are having doubts. It also doesn't change the fact that I love my husband. It's not like when we first dated where we were over the moon, everything was rainbows and butterflies. We experienced some very deep **** together. We raised two kids to adulthood, we dealt with our daughter's addiction, he was there for me during my battle with breast cancer. There were so many obstacles we had been through. I just can't stomach throwing that away. But I don't want a dark cloud following me either.

 

After getting that off my chest I do have a little update.

 

My husband is spending the night. We had a really good chat over supper, and went for a walk until it started to rain and then we came back to the house and talked some more. He's having a shower and I'm doing a quick update before we watch a movie before going to sleep. It's a good evening and I'm going with the flow.

[understand50]

Good Luck, and I hope for the best for you.

[Lion Heart]

And why, pray tell, are you working so hard to keep it from them? YOU will not be okay with going along with this later, I promise you. If you hide it from everyone (sweep it under the rug), it is for his sake, not yours and not even the family's. You will regret it one day because the only sorry witness of your degradation is the one who dumped on you.

 

Besides, it's for your daughters' sakes as well because, believe me, they already suspect something. It will be a relief to know the truth and they deserve to know the truth and sort out their own takeaways o

 

BE as you mean to go on.

 

BE as you have always been as your 2 daughter's mother.

 

BE an amazing role model to your Ds in this disgusting scenario NOT of your making.

 

THERE IS NO WAY ON THIS EARTH I COULD HAVE LIED TO NOR DECEIVED MY DAUGHTERS. None of my children.

 

IF you have always been a mother who chooses not to use REAL LIFE as lessons. Go on.

 

I see a very different mother struggling NOT to change her daughter's love for their father because of his A. This is your approach. This is not your intention and so be it. Your daughters may need to share in your grief of the exposure as my 5 have needed to also.

 

You cannot influence their love for their father.

This was not your doing in any case.

 

Honesty is always best. This is the real world and life is not a fairy tale. No point pretending it is.

 

I look forward and know that after my death, should my children have found out, they would have grieved without me. There was no hiding anything in our case whatsoever. And so be it. I never attempted to.

 

Time to learn how to be resilient.

How to live a full life.

Together as a newly configured family.

 

It's an empowering experience.

 

Lion Heart

[dichotomy]

I know this sounds simplistic, but stay or go - to me its always just been a simply envisioning of which life path would appear to offer the best life, or perhaps least worst life. Kind of a adding up the pluses and minuses of each life you can see - depending on what path you choose.

 

Single or married life - each comes with risks, rewards, and plus and minuses.

 

You choose whats seems the right path - and keep making that choice every day.

[tinkerbell16]

If your daughter is suspicious then you have to tell her the truth, otherwise she will not trust you and your relationship with her will deteriorate, as she knows something is up.

Both daughters are adults, so you have to treat them as adults.

 

Yes tell them the truth. Or better yet call a family meeting and make HIM tell them the truth so there is no opportunity for lies on his part. If he truly wants to repair the marriage it's time to face the consequences of his actions.

 

Mine were adult children as well, I sugar coated the truth to protect their father's image. It back fired on me. My only regret was not making him tell them the truth.