Husband had an affair... Separated

[merrmeade]

If they're grown, they have the final decision about what and how much they want/need to know. I found that it was much less than I needed for them to know and I've (finally) learned to live with that.

 

This need of the BS's is very real and should not be minimized, BUT it does not give us the mandate to burden our children with more than they need to understand and go on. Really. It is not a simple formula. The only constant is their right to control their own access to information. It's a two-way street this sharing of information: what the listener wants to know; what the speaker wants to share. That's what we do in respectful adult relationships imho.

[Lion Heart]

Yes tell them the truth. Or better yet call a family meeting and make HIM tell them the truth so there is no opportunity for lies on his part. If he truly wants to repair the marriage it's time to face the consequences of his actions.

 

Mine were adult children as well, I sugar coated the truth to protect their father's image. It back fired on me. My only regret was not making him tell them the truth.

 

It's a painful thing to experience on BEHALF of our children, especially as we are grappling to deal with our own grief.

 

As incredulous as this may sound DETACHMENT is the best state to approach this with. Detachment from any and all responsibility for this A. Not your children of course.

 

DO NOT TAKE ANY responsibility for your Hs CHOSEN course (A) and consequent living arrangements. That's ALL ON HIM.

 

IME there's no point whatsoever in making my ex WHs face anybody and "tell the truth". When faced with black and white EVIDENCE including full "confessions" of APs even, the lies and gaslighting and mind f***ing continued on and on till this day.

 

Then the BLAME SHIFTING. Woah! I call BS on that too!

 

I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR AN A AS THE FAITHFUL SPOUSE AND PARENT. ZERO. Multiple As is just a way of life for some. They've lied SO MUCH and when found out they're like stunned deer in headlights until....they find someone else to blame.

 

Taking and showing that a WS takes FULL responsibility is the first step in any reconciliation. It has to be.

There's no guarantees of it not happening again.

 

Something I read on LS in my early post D Day days, was

"Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

Whilst dealing with incredible grief, it's near impossible to know just how PAINFUL a reconciliation can be.

 

I'm very happy that I tried though! I felt my family deserved my efforts and went through SHEER HELL to put 100% in after one A.

Still got my exit plan assembled. An A could happen at ANY time.

 

Once I promised a lie detector test after 9 months of KNOWING there was more....I got 15-25 OWs.

 

And he was hiding his worst addiction to him. Gambling.

 

With ensuing psychiatrist and psychological therapy for him, my only aim was to GET HIM OUT. ASAP.

 

I had already secured and separated as much of the financial side as possible. Firm advice taken. Difficult to do when shattered.

 

Follow your instincts in all sectors of your life. Your path will reveal itself.

 

Lion Heart

[Zenstudent]

I 99% believe if the opportunity presented itself again he wouldn't give in. I say 99% because there is always that 1% chance, doubt in my head that he would.

 

I truly believe my husband regrets what he did. Not just because he got caught but because he is ashamed that he used to be this wonderful man, loyal and full of integrity. He is embarrassed and saddened that he threw away our marriage for someone so insignificant. If he could go back he would. I believe him when he says that. It comes down to the fact it happened, that he did inflict this damage to our marriage. No matter how much we both wish he didn't. The gaping hole is there. He wants to work on our marriage. He is all in, but its me holding back.

 

I just wanted to pick up on this. This is you struggling with the desire to unlearn what you have learned.

 

You have learned through experience, that he is perfectly capable of betraying you - and that he will if the opportunity presents itself, and the stars are aligned etc. etc.

 

You can say, believe and pretend that he isn't, but the fact remains, it's not true - he proved that to you.

 

Also; bolded #2, who told you that?

Don't fool yourself - you really have no way of knowing that for a fact.

 

This is not to be a downer - I really think you are doing well and handling it all great. Just don't set yourself up for disappointments down the road.

 

Unlearn what you have learned - accept that repetition and divorce are very possible outcomes. Work on you to get stronger and prepared for it, should it happen.

 

I really wish you luck and happyness on your journey.

[merrmeade]

Unlearn what you have learned -

I really like that advice. Realizing that you are on a whole new path and you don't have a map for it, makes it a little easier to relax and let go the expectation that you're going to wind up in a certain place. Fact is you don't know what the end result will look or feel like. You only know that you cannot validate the past violations that brought about the present impasse and, therefore, you must trust yourSELF - and your inner resources - to know what is right, what you need and what you deserve.

[Married1988]

I know divorce is a real possibility and some days, heck some minutes I'm leaning toward that way to just put an end to my agony but at the same time I don't want my marriage to end. Almost thirty years together and even after everything I still consider my husband my friend. A fractured friendship but still a friend.

[aileD]

Married, if you go to YouTube and search Affair Recovery, they have a channel. That channel has tons of 7-10 minute videos on all kinds of things regarding recovering from an affair, and they're from people who have been there and experienced it

 

A lot of focus is out on the betrayed spouses and how they're feeling, similar to how you feel.

 

That you tube channel and their website helped me immensely, and helped hubby too.

 

I just recently sent him one about making the betrayed spouse feel safe....it made him see that ..although good intentioned...some of the things he was doing or did, arent making me feel safe in our recovery. It opened our dialogue .

 

I wish you the best. I know how hard it is.

[BluesPower]

Hang in there Married, I really think you can do it.

 

I have been there and it just sucks. But, if your husband is truly sorry you need to keep going. 30 years is a super long time together to chunk.

 

It may not make it easier but you know he never loved her. It is hard to feel like that matters less but it kind of does for most women.

 

I never loved any of the women I screwed around with, it was just sex.

 

As far a my wife goes, she did get emotionally involved, don't know if that was love, but I did not care either way. For me and most men it was the fact that she slept with someone else and all the lying. That is what bothered me. And the fact that he was just a DORK, that was really embarrassing.

 

For me, then and now, I still loved my wife, and your husband does too. Even after some other stuff that she did to me I still love her, I have never been able to shake it for some reason and I have wished many times that I could.

 

I think you and your husband really love each other, and there may be a ton of work to do on all of it. But you know, I am not sure that very many people really get to love someone that loves them. It seems to me that a lot of people are looking for that and never find it. I could be wrong, who knows.

 

Try to hang in there, be strong and keep working at it, you can do it. In the long run if it works out, it will be worth it.

 

Good luck...

[CarrieT]

Married, you are still early in the process.

 

Time is your friend and you can still start the divorce process but not complete it. Or you can postpone the process until you know for certain what you really want.

 

There are many for whom Infidelity has reared its ugly head and a year later there was reconciliation or, alternately, a year later there was a final divorce.

 

Don't feel like you need to make a final decision on anything this early. Look through the posts of John Adams and Mrs. Adams here on this site. They both had affairs and had a long process of reconciliation. Theirs are posts worth seeking out and reading on how to get through the initial pain and potential rebuilding of a marriage - if that is something you want to do.

[understand50]

I know divorce is a real possibility and some days, heck some minutes I'm leaning toward that way to just put an end to my agony but at the same time I don't want my marriage to end. Almost thirty years together and even after everything I still consider my husband my friend. A fractured friendship but still a friend.

 

Married1988,

 

Divorce, is only a possibility if you and he decide it is so. If you decide, and really wan it, you can reconcile. We did, others have, it can be done. All you have to do is tell him you want the marriage to survive, and he tells you as well. This is the first and major step that needs to taken. After that, all is just hard work to overcome the past.

 

It can be done, do you want it?

 

As always, I wish you luck.....

[Zenstudent]

Married1988,

 

Divorce, is only a possibility if you and he decide it is so. If you decide, and really wan it, you can reconcile. We did, others have, it can be done. All you have to do is tell him you want the marriage to survive, and he tells you as well. This is the first and major step that needs to taken. After that, all is just hard work to overcome the past.

 

It can be done, do you want it?

 

As always, I wish you luck.....

 

Please don't pull wool on her eyes...

 

I bet he also told her: "... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you." ... or something like this.

 

It apparantly took more than just these words in front op family and friends. Now you suggest that all it takes, is him saying that he wants to save the pieces of what's left??

 

I'm sorry, IMO, it doesn't work that way. You (in general) can't know a thing about what's going on inside his head. Not even OP who knows him best.

 

If OP wants to give a shot, by all means, that's just fine - but don't be naive.

[stilltrying16]

Great post, zenstudent. I agree with every word.

[understand50]

Please don't pull wool on her eyes...

 

I bet he also told her: "... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you." ... or something like this.

 

It apparantly took more than just these words in front op family and friends. Now you suggest that all it takes, is him saying that he wants to save the pieces of what's left??

 

I'm sorry, IMO, it doesn't work that way. You (in general) can't know a thing about what's going on inside his head. Not even OP who knows him best.

 

If OP wants to give a shot, by all means, that's just fine - but don't be naive.

 

Zenstudent,

 

The first step is deciding and then telling each other that you want the marriage to go on. With out this nothing can go forward. Reconciliation is too hard if both are not committed. This is not pulling the wool over her eyes, but just cold hard truth and not being naive.

 

Married1988, decide if you are all in, and if you are let him know. Insist that he be committed to the marriage as well. This is the first step. Trust that you both mean it will have to come from your future actions.

 

I wish you luck.

[Married1988]

Sorry for the lack of updates.

 

The last few days has been rough. I'm having some okay days and some downright terrible ones. Yesterday I cancelled supper with the husband. I was just too bitter and angry to go out with him. I'm feeling better today. I decided to go out with some friends and go to a night club. I feel kind of foolish because I'm nearly 50 but damn I want to have some fun. I have this black strapless dress. It goes a little past my knees so a little more modest than a simple cocktail dress but I look amazing it in.

 

My husband wanted to go out tonight and when I told him I had plans. He asked me what. I told him. I know I didn't have too but I believe in showing honesty and I have always been honest. He said okay. We talked for a few minutes on the phone. A few minutes later he had texted me saying he was a bit jealous. I think I did make a rash, and somewhat cold response back saying that I wasn't going out to get laid. I felt a little bad afterward.

[BuddyX]

When it comes to marriage content lay off the text. I know it's difficult, but context does not travel via text. Simple "Hi, bye, I'm ok, etc" will do.

 

A previous LS member said it best in regards to the cheating partner. "It might feel like a prison to them. But it's a prison, they created".

 

Do not feel ashamed of having fun.

[road]

Sorry for the lack of updates.

 

The last few days has been rough. I'm having some okay days and some downright terrible ones. Yesterday I cancelled supper with the husband. I was just too bitter and angry to go out with him. I'm feeling better today. I decided to go out with some friends and go to a night club. I feel kind of foolish because I'm nearly 50 but damn I want to have some fun. I have this black strapless dress. It goes a little past my knees so a little more modest than a simple cocktail dress but I look amazing it in.

 

My husband wanted to go out tonight and when I told him I had plans. He asked me what. I told him. I know I didn't have too but I believe in showing honesty and I have always been honest. He said okay. We talked for a few minutes on the phone. A few minutes later he had texted me saying he was a bit jealous. I think I did make a rash, and somewhat cold response back saying that I wasn't going out to get laid. I felt a little bad afterward.

 

Going to a night club in a hot dress is not the place to be when you are messed up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One moment you consider recovery then you say no, then yes, then no, then yes, then no, then yes, then no, I cannot not type fast enough to keep up with you.

 

 

But your indecision is normal.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry for the lack of updates.

 

The last few days has been rough. I'm having some okay days and some downright terrible ones. Yesterday I cancelled supper with the husband. I was just too bitter and angry to go out with him. I'm feeling better today. I decided to go out with some friends and go to a night club. I feel kind of foolish because I'm nearly 50 but damn I want to have some fun. I have this black strapless dress. It goes a little past my knees so a little more modest than a simple cocktail dress but I look amazing it in.

 

My husband wanted to go out tonight and when I told him I had plans. He asked me what. I told him. I know I didn't have too but I believe in showing honesty and I have always been honest. He said okay. We talked for a few minutes on the phone. A few minutes later he had texted me saying he was a bit jealous. I think I did make a rash, and somewhat cold response back saying that I wasn't going out to get laid. I felt a little bad afterward.

 

I don't think you need to feel bad about telling yoir husband you are going out and "not for the purpose of getting laid."

 

You could feel *a little* bad if you said "I'm going out TO get laid. Maybe I'll just happen upon and nice loyal man who also happens to be a great lover."

 

THAT would be mean.

[understand50]

Sorry for the lack of updates.

 

The last few days has been rough. I'm having some okay days and some downright terrible ones. Yesterday I cancelled supper with the husband. I was just too bitter and angry to go out with him. I'm feeling better today. I decided to go out with some friends and go to a night club. I feel kind of foolish because I'm nearly 50 but damn I want to have some fun. I have this black strapless dress. It goes a little past my knees so a little more modest than a simple cocktail dress but I look amazing it in.

 

My husband wanted to go out tonight and when I told him I had plans. He asked me what. I told him. I know I didn't have too but I believe in showing honesty and I have always been honest. He said okay. We talked for a few minutes on the phone. A few minutes later he had texted me saying he was a bit jealous. I think I did make a rash, and somewhat cold response back saying that I wasn't going out to get laid. I felt a little bad afterward.

 

Married1988,

 

One of the possible outcomes of being cheated on, is that it can lead to you compromising yourself and your values. Revenge is not the way. Now I know you went out to have a good time, and were not looking to, and did not, "get Laid", but if you even think you may want to reconcile, be careful. The old saw "2 wrongs don't may a right" does hold. DO not think that by doing the same thing, you remain in the right, you just sink to his level. You are still married, and until you decide, and file you are not a free women. I worry that you being hurt, would tend to allow behaviors, that you would never consider otherwise, but I think you are better then that.

 

As for your husband, I hope he is still doing all the right things now to try and reconcile, and that you do see a possibility of doing so. Your mood, and anger will come and go, its normal. Hell, its been 40 plus years for me and sometimes I get angry, but keep in mind, that at some point it will subside. You do not want to look back at this time and regret what you did. Have some fun, but remember, even if he broke his vows, you are so much better.

 

As always I wish you luck....

[merrmeade]

Yeah, it's tricky. I know the feeling and have wanted to sting my WH many times with sarcastic asides. I actually think I don't because I was fortunate in having a mother who really focused on relationship training, if you will. She told me that married people must be careful not to hit "below the belt" when they fight. There's no coming back if they both start doing it and marks the beginning of the end. It helped me tolerate my parents' fights without getting too disturbed but also resonated and stuck—along with a lot of other good, common sense advice that I should have made sure my husband understood and agreed with before we got married.

 

I thought of it after D-day and made a decision not to do that (make sarcastic asides when something reminded me of what he used to do0 even though I really wanted to make these digs.

 

I'm really, really not trying to shake my finger or make you feel bad. I'm just explaining that this IS a 'thing' that fits in a general category of things that, in my opinion, we choose to do or not to do for the sake of our marriages. Having affairs - and all the choices that led up to them - would also be one of these things.

[ladydesigner]

Yeah, it's tricky. I know the feeling and have wanted to sting my WH many times with sarcastic asides. I actually think I don't because I was fortunate in having a mother who really focused on relationship training, if you will. She told me that married people must be careful not to hit "below the belt" when they fight. There's no coming back if they both start doing it and marks the beginning of the end. It helped me tolerate my parents' fights without getting too disturbed but also resonated and stuck—along with a lot of other good, common sense advice that I should have made sure my husband understood and agreed with before we got married.

 

I thought of it after D-day and made a decision not to do that (make sarcastic asides when something reminded me of what he used to do0 even though I really wanted to make these digs.

 

I'm really, really not trying to shake my finger or make you feel bad. I'm just explaining that this IS a 'thing' that fits in a general category of things that, in my opinion, we choose to do or not to do for the sake of our marriages. Having affairs - and all the choices that led up to them - would also be one of these things.

 

I agree with this if you are in R and you have good M dynamic. Hard to not be snarky back to a Narcissist but I've been learning it's best to just ignore! I've unfortunately let it rip many times.

[merrmeade]

I agree with this if you are in R and you have good M dynamic. Hard to not be snarky back to a Narcissist but I've been learning it's best to just ignore! I've unfortunately let it rip many times.

Well, I also think you get a pass for a period of time after D-day - and they know it, too. I did it a few times in the begining, but l don't think the beginning counts. Then there came a point that I made a pact with myself, a conscious decision, that I wouldn't do it.

 

Of course, it would might have been different if he had been proud and pissed off in the beginning. But he took it as if he deserved it, which was probably another reason I stopped. Besides, we could barely handle the talks we did have. It was like surgery without anesthesia for him to answer and for me to hear the answers. Then we'd do it again a few days or weeks later. There was no place for snarkiness in between such operations, and, even if it occurs to me to say something sometimes, I decide it's not worth it.

Edited September 18, 2016 by merrmeade

[Married1988]

I went out around 10pm I only had two standard drinks and one shot so wasn't overly drunk, a bit buzzed because I'm a light weight. At midnight a song started playing and I started really thinking about him. So I ended my night there. So I called him to come pick me up. He spent the night because I cried a whole bunch.

 

I think after thinking it over all day over I really want to give us another chance. As others have said, the back and forth is really messing with me. It doesn't mean I won't have a bad day, or things will be easy but I can't fathom just throwing away so many memories because of a huge selfish decision he made. But if he were to ever cheat on me again there would be zero section chances.

[BluesPower]

I am proud of you, I really think you are making the right decision.

 

I know you love him. I believe that he loves you or he would be gone already. If my wife and I can recover after all the s*** we have been through, I think anyone can, if you love each other.

 

Hand in there, I understand the hurt, both giving and getting, and you can get over it.

 

Hang tough and move forward in love...

[BuddyX]

I would refrain from making a decision that night. Think about it. You were buzzed, emotional and your husband was right there.

 

Take a step back. Reassess your Situation. Let it play out for a little bit.

[BluesPower]

She has been doing that for I don't know how long. At some point doesn't she have to make a decision and stick with it?

[elaine567]

Par for the course, get a bit drunk, get pretty nostalgic, feel a bit lonely at the end of the night with no-one special at your side.

Call the ex for some sympathy.

 

Few days later think, what on earth did I do that for? Idiot.