Husband had an affair... Separated

[BuddyX]

She has been doing that for I don't know how long. At some point doesn't she have to make a decision and stick with it?

 

Agree, but not that night. Rule of thumb, "don't make decision after midnight with drink in hand"

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, I've been reading the last few posts here and I have to say that I think Married is making the right decision. The fact is that this situation that she is facing has been roiling in her mind for quite a while. It is not that she simply got buzzed, heard a song that reminded her of her husband and the many years of history ( mostly good history) that they had together that made her come to a decision about reconciling with her husband. That may have been the catalyst but she has been subconsciously weighing up the various facts, the pros' and cons' if you will, of her situation, in totality and her subconscious mind has given her the answer that she has been looking for. I am sure she has taken into consideration her husband's behaviour, attitude, reaction to her pain and the significance of the enormity of his betrayal of her and their marriage post D day plus also the genuineness of his remorse and the degree of his shame, all done subconsciously, for her to have come to this decision. Sometimes you can beat a person only so much before he / she becomes insensitive to pain or maybe becomes comatose. After that any further beating will get you no returns. She must have realized, at a subconscious level, that he, like her had already suffered enormously and her castigating him or cold shouldering him would not make him suffer even greater degrees of pain.

The fact is that both of them have suffered greatly and both have to start healing, otherwise the injury will become permanent and they will have to part ways, carrying their pain with them for years to come. I remember reading on an alternate forum, where a lady wrote about the biggest mistake she made. Her husband had gone to a conference out of town and although she had wanted to go he told her that spouses were not invited this time around. Well when he got back she was unpacking his suitcase and she found a semen stained panty in his suitcase. She went ballistic immediately and threw him out of the house even though he was bewildered and tried his best to reason with her. The upshot of this was that she hired a lawyer and a bitter court battle followed. Her husband had tried calling her often but she refused to take his calls and at the last when the proceedings were almost over, a friend of hers who was in the court with her asked her what prompted her to to take recourse to divorce. When she told her the story, the friend told her that sometimes people play practical jokes on others just to watch the fun and maybe someone at the conference had done just that to see what would happen. Of course the lady refused to believe her friend and the divorce went through and she got the house, her husband's car and money et al.

Well the fact is that she wrote after four years of the divorce saying that she was living alone in the house that they had bought together and furnished together and that even though all her friends advised her to sell it and move away she could not bring herself to do it as she and her husband had lived in it for sixteen years and her happiest memories were centered in that house. Even his car which she said he loved was with her and she said she couldn't even drive. She said that in those four years since their divorce her husband, who had moved away, did not send her a Birthday or Christmas card and added that how could he after all the cruel things she had to say to him. She said she knew that he loved her and that she loved him. She also said that often she thought of suicide. She finally said that if she could go back in time she would take those panties and throw them in the dustbin and never mention them to her husband if only she could get that chance. Her advice to her readers' was "Hold on to the love you have for you don't know how precious it is".

This has become long so I'll close it here but I think Married is making the right decision! Warm wishes to all.

Edited September 19, 2016 by Just a Guy

[Married1988]

I went out on Saturday night, and spent all day yesterday thinking about us. I was sober and clear minded. I organized the basement and came across photo albums of when our kids were small, vacations and even our wedding. He was a great husband, and a great father and while I find it hard to wrap my mind around why he'd do what he did we had many great memories and I want to give it one shot. If I find out it's not working for me or he cheats again I'll know in my heart I gave it everything I had.

[Married1988]

We've been spending a lot of time together talking and most of the time the company with him is nice. The time apart is both good and hard. While I don't think I'll allow him to move back in. I think it's a good time to tell him my intentions. I've been all over the place and he's being doing everything he can to try and make things better. So I believe this a good first step.

[BluesPower]

One thing is for sure, you don't want any regrets if it does not work out. I am in that same place and my wife knows it. I love her and I want to be with her if we can continue on a positive path.

 

But if she falls off the wagon or something else happens, I am just gone and I did everything I could.

 

No regrets...

[understand50]

We've been spending a lot of time together talking and most of the time the company with him is nice. The time apart is both good and hard. While I don't think I'll allow him to move back in. I think it's a good time to tell him my intentions. I've been all over the place and he's being doing everything he can to try and make things better. So I believe this a good first step.

 

Married1988,

 

I think you are doing fine, as one who has reconciled, I can say after all the years, I do not regret staying with her. Take things at you own time, and work at reestablishing the connection between you. When you are ready, he can move back in, you will both know when the time is right.

 

I have always stated that it is harder to reconcile then just divorce, so know that you are a strong person, and do not look upon this as a failure.

 

As always I wish you good luck....

[Married1988]

I haven't been posting a lot this month. I have to admit the affair hasn't been the only thing on my mind and for those who have been following my story and had given me some great advice and amazing support I feel like it's time to reveal another thing that has been going on in my life.

 

For those who had read all my posts will know I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010. At the end of August, I noticed another lump on my breast. I had just had a mammogram back in February and had a full physical in March including a bunch of blood work. There were no signs of cancer.

 

Anyway, after finding the lump I had another mammogram and then a biopsy and it was confirmed cancerous. The good news is they caught it early. I have been an emotional basket case and it took me almost a week to tell my husband the results because I wasn't sure if he would there for me like I needed him to be.

 

But now that he does know he has been supportive and very emotional about everything he has done. So that's where I am at.

[understand50]

I haven't been posting a lot this month. I have to admit the affair hasn't been the only thing on my mind and for those who have been following my story and had given me some great advice and amazing support I feel like it's time to reveal another thing that has been going on in my life.

 

For those who had read all my posts will know I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010. At the end of August, I noticed another lump on my breast. I had just had a mammogram back in February and had a full physical in March including a bunch of blood work. There were no signs of cancer.

 

Anyway, after finding the lump I had another mammogram and then a biopsy and it was confirmed cancerous. The good news is they caught it early. I have been an emotional basket case and it took me almost a week to tell my husband the results because I wasn't sure if he would there for me like I needed him to be.

 

But now that he does know he has been supportive and very emotional about everything he has done. So that's where I am at.

 

Married1988,

 

Sorry for your troubles, hope things work out right and that your husband steps up and supports you though all this. My advise is that you put everything on hold until you, as you will, beat this. Having gone trough this with my mother, I know it is a scary thing, and not to be taken lightly. Glad you found out early, and hope for a speedy recovery.

 

As always, but especially today, I wish you all the luck you need.

[ConfusedAtLife]

I cant offer any unique advice but i hope the best for you in whatever decision you choose to make..

 

Never helps when life kicks you in the balls with other issues while youre going through these times. I hope your health issues take a turn for the positive quickly.

 

The only 2 lucky (yes, that sounds stupid in light of all your heartache) things to me are that your children are adults and you dont have to add the stress of non-adult kids into the situation.

The other is you came to LS early for advice. Some of it i agree with, some i dont, but the community as a whole is caring and helpful. I went through my first 6 months after d-day doing what i thought was right and then found LS and lurked for too long. We'll probably recover in the end, but i did sooo many things wrong because i wasnt smart enough to reach out earlier for advice from the people here who have been through just about any situation you could imagine.

 

Best wishes and hope for your health and whatever decision YOU make throughout the process.

[Married1988]

I'm feeling a little down in the dumps. Back in 2010 I had a partial mammectomy, most of my left breast, and only a few lymph nodes in my right. I had reconstructive surgery on my left. I discovered that I have to have another mammectomy. The cancer tumor is larger than they originally thought. I am booked for a mammectomy for next Friday. Then will be followed by chemotherapy and radiation. Good news is it won't be as excessive as before because the cancer isn't as bad.

 

Good news is my husband has been supportive. I have put the affair on the backburner for now. We do discuss it occasionally but I need to focus on my health. He isn't living with me, but so far has been there for me every step of the way. He has booked over the day of and the following Monday off to help me out.

[MJJean]

Prayers for your speedy healing physically and mentally, Married1988.

[understand50]

I'm feeling a little down in the dumps. Back in 2010 I had a partial mammectomy, most of my left breast, and only a few lymph nodes in my right. I had reconstructive surgery on my left. I discovered that I have to have another mammectomy. The cancer tumor is larger than they originally thought. I am booked for a mammectomy for next Friday. Then will be followed by chemotherapy and radiation. Good news is it won't be as excessive as before because the cancer isn't as bad.

 

Good news is my husband has been supportive. I have put the affair on the backburner for now. We do discuss it occasionally but I need to focus on my health. He isn't living with me, but so far has been there for me every step of the way. He has booked over the day of and the following Monday off to help me out.

 

Good luck.....

[BluesPower]

We will all be thinking about you and praying for you.

 

 

Good luck...

[BTDT2012]

I haven't been posting a lot this month. I have to admit the affair hasn't been the only thing on my mind and for those who have been following my story and had given me some great advice and amazing support I feel like it's time to reveal another thing that has been going on in my life.

 

For those who had read all my posts will know I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010. At the end of August, I noticed another lump on my breast. I had just had a mammogram back in February and had a full physical in March including a bunch of blood work. There were no signs of cancer.

 

Anyway, after finding the lump I had another mammogram and then a biopsy and it was confirmed cancerous. The good news is they caught it early. I have been an emotional basket case and it took me almost a week to tell my husband the results because I wasn't sure if he would there for me like I needed him to be.

 

But now that he does know he has been supportive and very emotional about everything he has done. So that's where I am at.

Sending up healing prayers for you.

[Married1988]

The surgery is done. Physically I'm doing better than expected but I'm feeling really really depressed. I feel unattractive, ugly and just have this intense fear that my husband once again will turn his back on me and sleep with another woman. This infidelity is taking every ounce out of me. He has been here for me as much as I allow him too but right now I'm just so angry.

 

Next week I start chemo. It'll be a 3 month at least process. Thank God it isn't as intense as last time. I'm still scared though.

 

Thanks for al the support and I'll keep every one updated.

[BluesPower]

Married,

 

I am glad to here that you are doing ok. Do they think that they got it all?

 

Listen, I know it is hard, but you really need to focus on your health, mental and physical, and maybe let this other stuff go for a while.

 

Focus on getting better.

 

We are all thinking about you. God bless you...

[jenkins95]

Big hugs (((married))) Really great news that the cancer was caught early.

 

We are here for you.

[Steen719]

I wish you the very best. Stay strong and let your husband support you now. Settle the rest of it out later, after you are well and not so vulnerable. Best to you, married. I hope you are feeling stronger soon.

[merrmeade]

thank you for letting us know, M88. The most important thing right now is that you are a survivor! How would your husband take it if he knew your fears right now?

[Married1988]

Merrmeade: I told my husband about my fears and he just looked utterly shattered an apologized a whole bunch. I guess it makes it a little easier to know he feels guilt and shame. He said he still found me attractive. I guess right now I"ll take what I can get because I sure as hell don't feel attractive.

[merrmeade]

Merrmeade: I told my husband about my fears and he just looked utterly shattered an apologized a whole bunch. I guess it makes it a little easier to know he feels guilt and shame. He said he still found me attractive. I guess right now I"ll take what I can get because I sure as hell don't feel attractive.

((((M88)))) I reread the thread to confirm the events in your timeline from D-day to this. It's been up and down, but you were definitely processing. The highlight to me was the sense of control and empowerment in the way you took control of events. You were even stepping out and, I would venture, definitely felt "attractive."

 

Cancer is life-changing for everyone. My husband had six months to live unless he had a stem cell transplant. He often commented that the hardest part was losing control, being herded around, constantly poked and prodded. I'm sure that your vulnerability - with your diagnosis, surgery and treatment - contributes to feeling "unattractive."

 

May I suggest that you relax and accept that your attention and energy need to be on your own recovery right now. I hope you're able to allow your husband to care for you. I have a feeling he's going to knock himself out to be there for you if you'll let him. I don't think you have any reason to worry about his activities. Your illness should have humbled him in a way he needed, but also made him value you. Later, you can take up the questions you were working on before the health crisis if you still need to.

 

I wish you peace and a speedy recovery.

[Married1988]

It's been a while since I have last been on this thread. Things have been hectic around here. I mean anything that could wrong has been going wrong but I'm still alive and kicking.

 

My husband has been supportive but I have been emotionally distancing myself from him. Maybe because I'm too physically and emotionally drained to deal with his affair and the triggers that come from it. But I finding more comfort these days from friends and my daughters.

 

Chemotherapy is going well, and I have taken up yoga. I had skipped a few because of fatigue but when I'm feeling up to it, it has been really calming and I enjoy that.

 

I'm also been feeling really down in the dumps. I hadn't been doing volunteering and had taken time off my part-time job and it's really affecting me. I miss feeling normal and I miss the happy marriage I had before my stupid husband blew it all up.

 

I keep comparing myself to another woman: younger, same age, older, it doesn't matter. It is in the back of mind wondering if my husband had sex with them, talked to them inappropriately. This whole thing had taken a toll to my self-esteem.

 

To make matters worse, and it could really be all in my head but I suspect my daughter is using drugs again. She has mysteriously lost her job and she claims it wasn't her fault. She has been a lot more on an edge which could be because she lost her job. But these are small things I associate with bad choices she made in the past. I did share these concerns with my husband and he has talked with her. He doesn't seem to think she is and that she just hit a rough patch and to give her some benefit of the doubt. Which I have.

 

Sorry this was kind of a rant but wanted to update people to where I am at.

[understand50]

Married1988,

 

Well, what better place to rant then here?

 

Glad chemotherapy is going well, keep up the good work, and as someone who knows, do not forget to eat well and often when you can. It helps to keep you healthy.

 

I have never "met" you, but I am sure you have that special beauty won by a women who faced life, had kids, and remains loving and open to life. Your husbands, cheating, and from what you write, he regrets deeply, was not about you, or your how you look. It was him forgetting the treasurer he had in you and his family. I know it is trite, what I have written, and hard to do on your part, but remind yourself when you look at these women, your husband was trading down when he cheated, and he knows it. You are the real deal.

 

As for your daughter, she may have slipped back. With the infidelity, and your health issues, this must be stressful for her, and she may have gone back to bad habits. Talk to her, and ask that she support you in all you are going though, in keeping clean. You do not have time or energy, and as a mother can no help but worry. This may be the thing to make her stop, as I wonder if her drug use is a response to life being hard and maybe losing her mother. I do not care what age you are, when you face losing mom, it really hard and scary.

 

Lastly, this all will take time, and with your health issues will take longer, but if you want it, reconciliation is there for you. Do not beat yourself up, and take each day as you need to. It is all about you now, so take care of yourself, and hope things improve.

 

As always, I wish you luck......

[Jersey born raised]

My SIL relapsed as well. Part of her therapy i believed included hormone replacement. Her cancer had spread to her bones and brain perhaps 4 years ago. Normally she would have died within 6 months. She is still alive and functioning. The tumors are still there but reduced to pin heads and are held in check.

 

If you want I will contact her and get detail information. She was treated in one on the big three hospitals in NYC where her cousin is a heart surgeon. So this is not a run off to Mexico for peach pit therapy.

 

I am sure the mods would have no problems with me posting the Dr Name and medical papers.

 

PS her insurance did accept her claims. What they paid I don't know but the recognized it as a valid treatment.

[Married1988]

My daughter found another job and seems to snapped back into her old self. At least I'm feeling a lot better with that.

 

As for my husband, my feelings still remain the same. I'm distancing myself but not going to act on any feelings while I'm not feeling well. But I have a hidden suspicion that our marriage will not survive.