Husband had an affair... Separated

[enddeck]

My daughter found another job and seems to snapped back into her old self. At least I'm feeling a lot better with that.

 

As for my husband, my feelings still remain the same. I'm distancing myself but not going to act on any feelings while I'm not feeling well. But I have a hidden suspicion that our marriage will not survive.

 

Sometimes when a person faces a life threatening situation and they come out the other side they take stock of their life and make changes.I seen this with a friend of mine who had a heart and lung transplant.He went back to school and I don't mean college it was high school.He then went to college and qualified as a therapist.He divorced his wife and is now married to someone else.He told me he got another chance and he was going to do what made him happy.

You should do the same.Do what makes YOU happy.

[understand50]

My daughter found another job and seems to snapped back into her old self. At least I'm feeling a lot better with that.

 

As for my husband, my feelings still remain the same. I'm distancing myself but not going to act on any feelings while I'm not feeling well. But I have a hidden suspicion that our marriage will not survive.

 

Married1988,

 

I am glad your daughter is doing better. Good for her. Hope she keeps it up. You know, the first 50 years is the hardest for being a parent.

 

As for your marriage, you are dead right not really making any decision until your health is resolved. I would wait 6 months after you go into remission, but that is me. Knowing this will happen, good luck going forward.

 

I wish you luck...

[Married1988]

Sometimes when a person faces a life threatening situation and they come out the other side they take stock of their life and make changes.I seen this with a friend of mine who had a heart and lung transplant.He went back to school and I don't mean college it was high school.He then went to college and qualified as a therapist.He divorced his wife and is now married to someone else.He told me he got another chance and he was going to do what made him happy.

You should do the same.Do what makes YOU happy.

 

I have thought about that. I have been doing a lot of reflection on the past 31 years. My husband was my first and only serious relationship. I thought our relationship was special. I gave everything in my being to our marriage, and I thought he had as well.

 

I'm almost five months from having my life ripped apart. For the most part, the anger had subsided. I still have my moments, but I am sadder and numbed then anything. I'm starting to come to terms that my marriage will never be the same. I'll never feel the same way about him as I did. That special feeling I had, that proudness I had for him is gone.

 

I don't hate my husband and don't wish ill feelings for him, but I'm not sure if I want to be with him. We are doing a semi-separation. He is living on his own but spends some time at our house to help me out. We hadn't had sex or been really affectionate since discovery day. At first, I blamed it on being angry, and then on being sick. But I'm slowly discovering how at peace I am when we aren't together.

 

I love my husband and I think I will always care about him deeply because we spent a big portion of our life together. We shared many great years together and we have two wonderful daughters together. But I just don't feel in love with him on an emotional level. The betrayal had cut deep and it hurts badly.

 

I'm not going to make any decisions right now because my health is most important, but I thank you for sharing your friend's story with me. It's good to know that people can relate.

[Married1988]

Married1988,

 

I am glad your daughter is doing better. Good for her. Hope she keeps it up. You know, the first 50 years is the hardest for being a parent.

 

As for your marriage, you are dead right not really making any decision until your health is resolved. I would wait 6 months after you go into remission, but that is me. Knowing this will happen, good luck going forward.

 

I wish you luck...

 

Honestly, my marriage has been put on the backburner, and I'm okay with that. My post above this one describes a bit more where my head and heart is right now. But I can say that if I divorce my husband, I'm going to take a few years at least to enjoy being single and actually discover what it is I want to do.

[BluesPower]

I understand how you feel.

 

I know you will be ok after chemo, but you do need to take your time deciding.

 

When I had my stroke 2 years ago, before my wife was sober, I really took stock of my life. Any time you have a life threating event it makes you do that.

 

For me it did not matter what I did, I was going to do whatever it took to be happy.

 

That is what I wish for you... happiness.

[road]

Marriages do not recover when spouses are separated.

[Married1988]

I understand how you feel.

 

I know you will be ok after chemo, but you do need to take your time deciding.

 

When I had my stroke 2 years ago, before my wife was sober, I really took stock of my life. Any time you have a life threating event it makes you do that.

 

For me it did not matter what I did, I was going to do whatever it took to be happy.

 

That is what I wish for you... happiness.

 

 

Thanks for the kind words. I do know I'll be okay after chemotherapy and then radiation is finished. I had beaten cancer once before six years ago so emotionally I'm a lot better off this time.

 

It's true when you have a life-changing event; it does make you think. I'm not going to make any decisions yet, but I'm just being realistic.

[Married1988]

Marriages do not recover when spouses are separated.

 

We are seperated because emotionally and physically I'm not well. When he is here I can't focus on my health which is and has to be top priority. When the cancer treatment is dealt with then maybe I can focus on my marriage. But I'm just being realistic. This is my second rodeo with cancer, and this time I don't want or am I expecting as much support from my husband. He stays with me 2 to 3 days a weeks out of guilty probably.

Edited November 26, 2016 by Married1988

[Married1988]

After reading a few other threads, and one, in particular, has me riled up. If anything it is making me feel guilty for even complementation wanting a divorce. My husband is selfish but some other men are on a whole other planet.

[dreamingoftigers]

After reading a few other threads, and one, in particular, has me riled up. If anything it is making me feel guilty for even complementation wanting a divorce. My husband is selfish but some other men are on a whole other planet.

 

Yeah. Yours is actually remorseful.

 

It's weird to discover that there are "degrees of wayward spouses."

 

Sure, they all cheated, but then there are those that view it as their God-given right and those that hit the wall, confess and grow the eff up.

 

It amazes me how some lack so much basic empathy that they actively rub their cheating in their spouse's face. Disgusting.

[Married1988]

Yeah. Yours is actually remorseful.

 

It's weird to discover that there are "degrees of wayward spouses."

 

Sure, they all cheated, but then there are those that view it as their God-given right and those that hit the wall, confess and grow the eff up.

 

It amazes me how some lack so much basic empathy that they actively rub their cheating in their spouse's face. Disgusting.

 

If we are talking about the same thread. This guy wasn't even a cheater and I find him incredibly selfish. His poor children.

[dreamingoftigers]

If we are talking about the same thread. This guy wasn't even a cheater and I find him incredibly selfish. His poor children.

 

Ah yes, that whole train-wreck is pretty bad.

 

I hope the children read it one day so they don't think they are at fault.

[Grapesofwrath]

Married: I have read your thread with great interest. You are a person of depth, integrity, and emotional intelligence. I admire you.

 

How is your health? How are you holding up?

[Married1988]

Married: I have read your thread with great interest. You are a person of depth, integrity, and emotional intelligence. I admire you.

 

How is your health? How are you holding up?

 

I'm feeling tired and nausea at times but I have to say that I'm dealing with it better than the first time around. But the doctors are confident that I'll be just fine. IT was worse first time around, and I survived.

 

I'm holding up as much as I can be. As I mentioned yesterday, I'm coming to peace with the situation. I'm really no longer afraid of divorce, and I'm really no longer hoping for reconciliation. I'm in what most call limbo. Once my health issues are dealt with; I'll think more clearly and make a decision. It's all about priorities right now.

 

And to add: While my marriage and dealing with his affair is on back burner, I still do think about it daily. I do have some waves of sadness and anger. My self esteem is shot.

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm feeling tired and nausea at times but I have to say that I'm dealing with it better than the first time around. But the doctors are confident that I'll be just fine. IT was worse first time around, and I survived.

 

I'm holding up as much as I can be. As I mentioned yesterday, I'm coming to peace with the situation. I'm really no longer afraid of divorce, and I'm really no longer hoping for reconciliation. I'm in what most call limbo. Once my health issues are dealt with; I'll think more clearly and make a decision. It's all about priorities right now.

 

And to add: While my marriage and dealing with his affair is on back burner, I still do think about it daily. I do have some waves of sadness and anger. My self esteem is shot.

 

What you are saying makes a lot of sense. Be kind to and patient with yourself. Your health is absolutely the top priority right now. Things like gentle yoga, meditation, and nourishing food can go a long way to aide in healing. Plus, the powerful medications that one takes to treat cancer can affect mentation, so you may not be thinking as clearly as you would ordinarily.

 

No need to rush to any kind of decision other than how to best care for yourself today.

 

Please know that I hold a warm thought for you, as I'm sure do many others on this forum.

[Married1988]

What you are saying makes a lot of sense. Be kind to and patient with yourself. Your health is absolutely the top priority right now. Things like gentle yoga, meditation, and nourishing food can go a long way to aide in healing. Plus, the powerful medications that one takes to treat cancer can affect mentation, so you may not be thinking as clearly as you would ordinarily.

 

No need to rush to any kind of decision other than how to best care for yourself today.

 

Please know that I hold a warm thought for you, as I'm sure do many others on this forum.

 

Thanks It is really appreciated.

[understand50]

I'm feeling tired and nausea at times but I have to say that I'm dealing with it better than the first time around. But the doctors are confident that I'll be just fine. IT was worse first time around, and I survived.

 

I'm holding up as much as I can be. As I mentioned yesterday, I'm coming to peace with the situation. I'm really no longer afraid of divorce, and I'm really no longer hoping for reconciliation. I'm in what most call limbo. Once my health issues are dealt with; I'll think more clearly and make a decision. It's all about priorities right now.

 

And to add: While my marriage and dealing with his affair is on back burner, I still do think about it daily. I do have some waves of sadness and anger. My self esteem is shot.

 

Married1988,

 

I do not know if this thought will help, but maybe you can look at it this way. What you are doing, beating cancer, is heroic. You are fighting for your life, and not letting this get you down. Everything is turned to reaching this goal, and this is your one and only goal, as all other are meaningless unless you win. Do not beat up on yourself, or get down. The affair was weakness on your husbands part, and he owns ever bit of it. What you have to offer is an example of a strong woman fighting. Think upon this. Remember, that life is a long struggle, and how you meet your struggles shows the quality of your character, and soul.

 

I know you will overcome this, and much more. You will be better in the end. What ever you do with your life, will be your choice, done at your convenience, and you do not have to offer explanations to anyone. Your actions speak for you.

 

As always, I wish you luck......

[ShatteredLady]

It took my husband only a couple of months from my life saving emergency surgery to start his affair AND he had the audacity to blame HIS stress over my health to explain his adultery!

 

Shortly after d-day I was also diagnosed with cancer. By then I was so emotionally & physically shattered that I had no idea what I was doing!

 

I just wanted to say, "I know! I'm so very sorry."

 

I'm feeling many of the things you say. I have zero self esteem. It's exhausting! You don't have to make huge life changing decisions right now. Take your time. Be selfish, get better, THEN start thinking about what you want & need long term.

 

After a lifetime together I'm so disappointed & angry with my husband. He's always been my best friend but now I find it hard to even like him! Trust? Not close

It just all hurts so much.

[Married1988]

It took my husband only a couple of months from my life saving emergency surgery to start his affair AND he had the audacity to blame HIS stress over my health to explain his adultery!

 

Shortly after d-day I was also diagnosed with cancer. By then I was so emotionally & physically shattered that I had no idea what I was doing!

 

I just wanted to say, "I know! I'm so very sorry."

 

I'm feeling many of the things you say. I have zero self esteem. It's exhausting! You don't have to make huge life changing decisions right now. Take your time. Be selfish, get better, THEN start thinking about what you want & need long term.

 

After a lifetime together I'm so disappointed & angry with my husband. He's always been my best friend but now I find it hard to even like him! Trust? Not close

It just all hurts so much.

 

 

I'm sorry your husband had done that to you. I can relate to how you feel. I had spent my whole adult life with my husband. I had considered him my best friend. I don't hate my husband but I no longer consider him my best friend. A distant friend maybe. We had our up and downs but I always thought what we had was special and that he was the one.

 

I'm sure you can relate, that the emotions and triumphs that come with battling cancer. This is my second rodeo and it breaks my heart but I am not allowing myself to let my husband in. I'm closing him out.

 

I also wanted to ask. Have you ever thought about what and who may be out there? I feel like my husband was my first and only true love. I started dating him at 17 years old and I'm here at 48 years old and I sometimes lately wonder if there is more out there for me. I sometimes wonder if my husband affair was his way of telling me, even if it is indirect that our marriage has run its course.

 

I know it is probably my health and hormones flying, but I'm starting to really think about life outside of my marriage. I have always thought I'd spend my life with this man. But that dream seems like a distant memory.

[BluesPower]

You know Married...

 

While my wife and I have done some horrible stuff to each other, I have always loved her. I don't really understand why, I think she is the only woman that I have ever loved. I am not sure what that says about me.

 

But when I had my stroke, which I fully lay at her feet and me trying to take care of everyone in the world except myself. Something changed in me.

 

The moment that it happened, she came up to the hospital, and understand that I never get sick and this was maybe my second time in my life being in a hospital, and she was wasted out of her mind. So wasted that she started an argument with me and I just had to ask her to leave.

 

This was obviously before she got sober.

 

And as I was laying there I started to dream of her being out of my life and it was a good dream.

 

This is just one example of the things I put up with, and I feel like a complete fool for doing everything I did for the last 26 years.

 

Now she is sober and being like a super wife, just what anyone would want, and I wonder if I will ever be able to get over the things she has done. No matter how much therapy I go to, no matter how much MC we go to, will I ever be able to let go of the resentment that I have?

 

I just don't know.

 

I just feel so much for what you and shattered are going through...

[Married1988]

You know Married...

 

While my wife and I have done some horrible stuff to each other, I have always loved her. I don't really understand why I think she is the only woman that I have ever loved. I am not sure what that says about me.

 

But when I had my stroke, which I fully lay at her feet and me trying to take care of everyone in the world except myself. Something changed in me.

 

The moment that it happened, she came up to the hospital, and understand that I never get sick and this was maybe my second time in my life being in a hospital, and she was wasted out of her mind. So wasted that she started an argument with me and I just had to ask her to leave.

 

This was obviously before she got sober.

 

And as I was laying there I started to dream of her being out of my life and it was a good dream.

 

This is just one example of the things I put up with, and I feel like a complete fool for doing everything I did for the last 26 years.

 

Now she is sober and being like a super wife, just what anyone would want, and I wonder if I will ever be able to get over the things she has done. No matter how much therapy I go to, no matter how much MC we go to, will I ever be able to let go of the resentment that I have?

 

I just don't know.

 

I just feel so much for what you and shattered are going through...

 

I'm sorry to hear about having a stroke. Health issues can really put a strain on one's emotional and physical state.

 

My husband had always been the super husband up until his affair. I think that is what hurts the most. He was always an amazing partner so I was totally blindsided.

 

I don't really feel resentful but just empty. It's like my best friend died. I feel hollow and the shell of my former best friend standing in front of me.

 

I hope for the both of us we can get past this or come to a moment of peace.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm sorry your husband had done that to you. I can relate to how you feel. I had spent my whole adult life with my husband. I had considered him my best friend. I don't hate my husband but I no longer consider him my best friend. A distant friend maybe. We had our up and downs but I always thought what we had was special and that he was the one.

 

I'm sure you can relate, that the emotions and triumphs that come with battling cancer. This is my second rodeo and it breaks my heart but I am not allowing myself to let my husband in. I'm closing him out.

 

I also wanted to ask. Have you ever thought about what and who may be out there? I feel like my husband was my first and only true love. I started dating him at 17 years old and I'm here at 48 years old and I sometimes lately wonder if there is more out there for me. I sometimes wonder if my husband affair was his way of telling me, even if it is indirect that our marriage has run its course.

 

I know it is probably my health and hormones flying, but I'm starting to really think about life outside of my marriage. I have always thought I'd spend my life with this man. But that dream seems like a distant memory.

 

It's amazing how quickly we can flip and adjust to a new reality when we are ready to. Frankly, even if we aren't ready to.

[Married1988]

It's amazing how quickly we can flip and adjust to a new reality when we are ready to. Frankly, even if we aren't ready to.

 

My mind has been flipping every direction. But it seems like these past few days, I have been thinking about my marriage a lot more. A lot of what ifs but the thing that hasn't wavered is the feeling of emptiness. It has been there since discovery day. If anything it is becoming more obvious.

[Jersey born raised]

My doctor once said "we are born with everything and spend the rest of our lives learning to accept loss and grow". Grow Married that is the choice you have in front of you. Take the time to do so with peace in your soul, allow no one to distrub it. Those who love you will honor your choices and help you heal and grow, let all others fall be the wayside.

 

When my doctors husband passed away from cancer, at age 44 she sold her very successful family practice and returned to college to get an PHD in psychiatry and began a new career. She grew and began anew.

 

Your husband may have learned something about himself that causes him shame. He may guard himself forever and a day from it happening again. He may become an even better man, but if you are not at peace with yourself with him, then he is not the one for you anymore.

[Married1988]

Your husband may have learned something about himself that causes him shame. He may guard himself forever and a day from it happening again. He may become an even better man, but if you are not at peace with yourself with him, then he is not the one for you anymore.

 

I one hundred percent believe he would never do it again. I know if he could go back he would in a heartbeat. I do believe he'll become a better man from this experience. This whole event had changed him.

 

But I fear you may be right. I'm not sure if I'll ever be at peace with what he has done. I'm not making any major decisions right now but he might just not be the one for me anymore.

 

It really sucks. I still don't understand why he would risk everything.

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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