BluesPower Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 It probably won't matter with how you are feeling. I totally get that. But there are some things that you should realize. Men are stupid. They just are. So if you are male please don't try to convince me otherwise and if you are female you should already know it. None of this is an excuse for our bad behavior I am just stating facts. Men are most stupid when it comes to women and sex. Your husband was a moron, and all the other feeling that BS have when this happens. But I assure you that he never stopped loving you, I am fairly sure about that. When I lost my mind and started sleeping around, I never stopped loving my wife and I still haven't. I was angry and hurt that she was not there for me, for whatever reason. So, I just lost my mind and started sleeping around. For you Married, as hard as it is, you really should not feel like you were replaceable, because you were not. Men don't feel that way, or hardly ever. They usually don't fall in love no matter what they say during the affair. None of this will make you feel better I am sure, the betrayal is the same and it just hurts. Some of us just cannot get past it. I am dealing with the not getting past it thing, not about her affairs, but other stuff if you can believe that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married1988 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 Men are most stupid when it comes to women and sex. Your husband was a moron, and all the other feeling that BS have when this happens. But I assure you that he never stopped loving you, I am fairly sure about that. When I lost my mind and started sleeping around, I never stopped loving my wife and I still haven't. I was angry and hurt that she was not there for me, for whatever reason. So, I just lost my mind and started sleeping around. Thanks for weighing in. I'm sure he never stopped loving me either but unfortunately doesn't make me feel any better. I just wish I could say I was this horrible wife who had all these problems so I wouldn't feel so utterly ****ty. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Thanks for weighing in. I'm sure he never stopped loving me either but unfortunately doesn't make me feel any better. I just wish I could say I was this horrible wife who had all these problems so I wouldn't feel so utterly ****ty. I know what you mean. It's like "hey, you know all of those things and feelings and actions I put into this marriage for X amount of years? Apparently that means ZILCH because someone with an available v showed up." Yeah my marriage has a price too, it's someone with a nicer ass. Or someone looking more pretty than me. My marriage is a cheap like for him and a very costly thing for me. It's like there's an illegal tariff on one side. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married1988 Posted December 3, 2016 Author Share Posted December 3, 2016 Ugh... I had to run into the other woman today. We made eye contact for a whole ten seconds but was still enough to put me in a bad mood. I left a very nasty voicemail for my husband. It has been a good month or two since I have been this mad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Marriages do not recover when spouses are separated. This is not always true. It took separation at my request to put us on the road to recovery. I had to stop focusing on saving the marriage and focus on saving myself and determining what would make me happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 It probably won't matter with how you are feeling. I totally get that. But there are some things that you should realize. Men are stupid. They just are. So if you are male please don't try to convince me otherwise and if you are female you should already know it. None of this is an excuse for our bad behavior I am just stating facts. Men are most stupid when it comes to women and sex. Your husband was a moron, and all the other feeling that BS have when this happens. But I assure you that he never stopped loving you, I am fairly sure about that. When I lost my mind and started sleeping around, I never stopped loving my wife and I still haven't. I was angry and hurt that she was not there for me, for whatever reason. So, I just lost my mind and started sleeping around. For you Married, as hard as it is, you really should not feel like you were replaceable, because you were not. Men don't feel that way, or hardly ever. They usually don't fall in love no matter what they say during the affair. None of this will make you feel better I am sure, the betrayal is the same and it just hurts. Some of us just cannot get past it. I am dealing with the not getting past it thing, not about her affairs, but other stuff if you can believe that. I'm not stupid. And you don't speak for all men. Not even a minority.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Cephalopod - sorry to offend you... But yes, most men are morons when it comes to women in general, and sex specifically. You are welcome to disagree, but I am not sure why you would take it personally. I have a really high IQ and it took me a while to figure out anything that mattered about women. And I totally understand that what I do know is just the tip of the iceberg. But, I am sorry you were offended by my comments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Ugh... I had to run into the other woman today. We made eye contact for a whole ten seconds but was still enough to put me in a bad mood. I left a very nasty voicemail for my husband. It has been a good month or two since I have been this mad. Oh, no, no, no, no! This mustn't happen. Is there no way you can move? Does your H even understand the no-argument importance of not subjecting you to triggers? That's one thing I can be grateful to my H for though there are other things he fails at miserably. But this to me is survival: No OW encounters. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
lovemebreakme Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Maybe move somewhere else to avoid such encounters. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Maybe move somewhere else to avoid such encounters. I mean, there are BSs on LS who live in the same place as the OW, but my impression is it's really hard and takes a while to adjust to especially if you're both struggling with R anyway. Makes me so sad for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married1988 Posted December 4, 2016 Author Share Posted December 4, 2016 Oh, no, no, no, no! This mustn't happen. Is there no way you can move? Does your H even understand the no-argument importance of not subjecting you to triggers? That's one thing I can be grateful to my H for though there are other things he fails at miserably. But this to me is survival: No OW encounters. Period. My husband has made different suggestions to ensure there weren't any repeat other woman encounters. He offered us moving, even offered to hire a private investigator to find out where she frequents with only me having knowledge of the results so I can avoid them. I appreciated the gesture but refused them. I don't want to move. I have lived in this house most of our married life. All the memories of my children growing up occurred there. I have the house customized just the way I want. If I were to divorce I was willing to give up whatever I needed to be able to kept the house. That'll be the day I'd let that woman have that control over me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married1988 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Share Posted December 13, 2016 I thought I had started coming to a place of being okay. I had my last chemo treatment today. In 3 or 4 weeks when my blood counts are back tomorrow, I'll start radiation. So I'm glad at least there to have a break from treatment. But today after chemo, I went to meet my husband for lunch. I seriously didn't want to but he insisted. I told him to his face that he was a selfish prick. Anyway, we had a decent lunch; he told me about the pay raise he got, and about a new position opening up in the company he was going to try for. If he were to get it, the pay increase would be nice. I would use to be so happy for him, but I kind of fell meh. At that moment at leas.t On the drive home after our lunch, I started to cry. It really came out of nowhere. I hated how I reacted to his news. I missed being able to feel joy and missed being able to feel those old excited feelings. When he got a promotion, had a good day, pay raise or anything I would be excited and make a big dinner to celebrate. It was just another "special" part of our marriage we had. So instead of going home, I went to the grocery store. Part of me wanted to surprise him with a supper. To feel some of that joy we used to have. To celebrate and talk about his career goals, and to talk with ease. All that joy had been missing since discovery day. Inside the store, I had to force myself to really buy what I needed. Cooking it seemed like a chore but I did it. When I called him to come home after work instead of going to his place, he seemed worried on the phone. When he got home and realized I made his favorite meal, desert and even bought a bottle of wine, he actually cried too. And then I teared up. This had to be the most "real" genuine moment we had since this whole mess started. I just realized that I'm not in the place of "being okay" just yet. I think once I'm done with cancer treatments once and for all, then I can really focus on my marriage. I'll need to make a decision whether to fully detach from him or make the commitment to save my marriage. I can see this emotional turmoil of uncertainty wrecking havoc on me mentally. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 It sounds as if WH is doing the work to recover. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 It sounds as if WH is doing the work to recover. In what way? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Oh, no, no, no, no! This mustn't happen. Is there no way you can move? Does your H even understand the no-argument importance of not subjecting you to triggers? That's one thing I can be grateful to my H for though there are other things he fails at miserably. But this to me is survival: No OW encounters. Period. We've just moved over 5,000 miles away across the Atlantic Ocean & I still trigger just as bad as always but I know what you mean. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 We've just moved over 5,000 miles away across the Atlantic Ocean & I still trigger just as bad as always but I know what you mean. That is because "you" came with you. I remember after a bad break up saying I was going to pack up and go somewhere completely different and start afresh and someone very wise said to me, it doesn't matter where you go, the problem is that you will take "you" and your heart ache with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Very true Elaine! The real reason for the move was my security. My health is very poor. If my H left me I could be destitute in America. I have no way to support myself or my children & im not entitled to any subsidies etc in the USA. In England it's different. I needed to be close to my family. I was so vulnerable & isolated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married1988 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Share Posted December 13, 2016 It sounds as if WH is doing the work to recover. There is no doubt in my mind that my husband isn't doing the work to improve the marriage. But at the end of the day, can I get past this. I do love him and I do think about him. But the feelings are different. They are hallow and broken, but I'm trying to get some resemblance of the feelings back. Yesterday was a glimpse of how much damage our marriage has taken. No matter how much work, time, energy we/I put into repairing our marriage it'll never be the same. I'll never be the only one my husband slept with in our relationship, the marriage will never be "special" like it once was. I'd be forced to have a new marriage while my old one, the one I cherished and loved so much wilts away. It's very sad and I keep asking myself if I'm willing to accept that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 There is no doubt in my mind that my husband isn't doing the work to improve the marriage. But at the end of the day, can I get past this. I do love him and I do think about him. But the feelings are different. They are hallow and broken, but I'm trying to get some resemblance of the feelings back. Yesterday was a glimpse of how much damage our marriage has taken. No matter how much work, time, energy we/I put into repairing our marriage it'll never be the same. I'll never be the only one my husband slept with in our relationship, the marriage will never be "special" like it once was. I'd be forced to have a new marriage while my old one, the one I cherished and loved so much wilts away. It's very sad and I keep asking myself if I'm willing to accept that. My feelings about my husband are different due to his actions. I used ro think he was the person that I could always count on, now that person is me. It has taken time, but I now find myself doing things that please him, simply because I want to. Both of us know and accept that our marriage has been irrevocably and fundamentally changed. For me the most damage was done by the lies and period of false reconciliation. Give yourself as much time as you need to decide what you are willing to accept. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married1988 Posted December 14, 2016 Author Share Posted December 14, 2016 If my husband was being an unremorseful person I would have divorced him immediately. But he isn't and keeps begging for another chance and doing what he can to get there. IT really is up to me at this point to let him in 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married1988 Posted January 4, 2017 Author Share Posted January 4, 2017 On News Years Day, shortly after I last posted here, I started feeling really nauseous and shortly after I felt light headed. So my husband took me to the ER to get checked out since my immune system isn't great. My white blood cells levels were very low, and I had a high fever. I have a UTI. This is the first time since being admitted that I had been feeling up to leaving an update. I'm still in the hospital. I'm being pumped with antibiotics and keeping an eye on me. My body isn't fighting the infection as well as it should. My husband has been by my side until earlier this evening when I told him to go home. That I really wanted to be alone. He's coming back tomorrow at lunch unless something changes to visit me. I appreciate his support but I'm needing the space. Link to post Share on other sites
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