Husband had an affair... Separated

[understand50]

Married1988,

 

Sure, get to the bottom of his "story", check out everything, but do not let your imagination fill in the gaps. If you have a good sense this is a first for him, then it probably is. Just the facts, and only the facts. Let him supply them as you need them. IF any part what what you are going through requires a clear head, figuring out what and why demands it. Yes, his story could be much worse, but it could also be what you know it to be. Keep a open mind, both for and against, and only follow where the facts go.

 

As for your anger, that does take time. You can work to separate it from your daily life. No one wants to live with someone who is pissed off at them 27/7, and it is a hard way for you to live as well. Acknowledge you are angry, but see if there is a way to not be all the time. If there is anything you and your husband can do that is positive together, do it. OBTW, I am not suggesting SEX, unless it is something you want to do. Of course this is if you are giving and he is working on that second chance. If you are divorcing, I think the same applies, as a amicable divorce is always better then a bitter fighting divorce.

 

I am still angry at my wife, and always will be. I just do not let it dominate and replace the love I have for her. This goes along with the "the never forgetting what she did" routine. For many BS, there is a balancing act, between loving them and being really angry at them. I think this is normal, and can be used to your benefit. It is something you will have to work out for yourself, but I think it will come sooner then you realize.

 

How you deal with your anger, making it a positive force to move your life along and change your situation, for ether divorce or reconciliation is important. Do not let your anger have you do things that you may later regret, or have you give up the moral high ground. At this stage talking is best, and I am glad you both were able to.

 

As Always, I wish you the best of luck........

[Married1988]

My friend who was one of the first and really few that I had told about the affair has been asking when I am going to verify his story. Sure I looked at his emails, phone and everything and he has gave me an account of what happened, but even she thinks their is more too the story. Maybe there is but I'm not there yet. I see no point getting down to the bottom of things while I"m still reeling. When I get to a place where I'm a little more sure weather I want to divorce or reconciling. Even a nudge either direction then I'll make decision there. I've been told to talk to a divorce attorney to get some advice. But I'm not there either.

[understand50]

My friend who was one of the first and really few that I had told about the affair has been asking when I am going to verify his story. Sure I looked at his emails, phone and everything and he has gave me an account of what happened, but even she thinks their is more too the story. Maybe there is but I'm not there yet. I see no point getting down to the bottom of things while I"m still reeling. When I get to a place where I'm a little more sure weather I want to divorce or reconciling. Even a nudge either direction then I'll make decision there. I've been told to talk to a divorce attorney to get some advice. But I'm not there either.

 

Talk to a attorney. Have them layout what the process is, what you can look forward finance wise. Knowing this upfront should be a good help. Also, know divorce, can be painless, cost wise, or horrendous, depending on how it goes. The law does not care about his cheating, so do not think that you will have advanage because of what he did.

 

I have known too many men and women, who thought one thing, only to find out the lawyers got all the money and they are now living poor, with no real way to dig out. Just know and realize your options, and that divorce, does cost money. Not that should be the deciding matter, but in my case, one of the things I looked at, and considered, is what type of life I could expect after a divorce, it was not pretty. That was not the main deciding factor, but was one of them.

 

I wish you luck.

[Married1988]

If we were to divorce realistically I would come out better then he would. His pension is bigger then mine, he makes more money then me, and our house is paid off and we are three quarters the way off paying off our investment property.. I hate talking or thinking about it because I feel like a gold digger even though we've been married for so long and contributed in different ways.

 

I want our marriage to survive. I just feel so betrayed for what he has put me through. I might consult a lawyer to get some information but divorce isn't even on my rader right now. I'm about firmly in limbo as I could possibly be.

Edited July 24, 2016 by Married1988

[Winterina]

I am sorry if this is too personal but I am wondering about your sex life with your husband. In a way, many marriages become either sexless or once a month thing... This is understandable for many reasons. But if something like that led him to an affair maybe that would be the point to work on.

So what was the situation in bed?

 

If this was a one time affair then try and work through it, and I am saying this because I see that you want to, and it seems that he is pretty remorseful too.

Wish you best!

[Married1988]

For most of our marriage we had a great sex life. At least 4 times a week. During the end of each of my pregnancies, it was naturally less because it was uncomfortable and he didn't want to hurt the baby.

 

The only time sex was limited was from March 2010 to November 2010 when I was going through chemo and radiation. I had a mastectomy and then mastectomy reconstruction. After that up until July 3rd our sex life was great: at least once, sometimes twice a week.

[lbjanieb]

Wow, you've been through a lot but I'm impressed at how you're holding it together, despite the pain. I've heard way too many others in your situation either 1) beg the wayward spouse to leave her or other desperate moves, 2) go and have an affair of their own to pay them back, or some other destructive behavior to make them notice, 3) go crazy with rage at the other woman, which is really only displaced anger, or some combination of the above.

 

You have every right to feel all you're feeling and to take all the time you need. Only you can say if he's truly regretting his actions and sincerely wants to work on the issues that got you here. He needs to respect that and give you the distance and time you need and make no demands. But you both need to be in counseling separately at least to start. Maybe couples counseling later if and when you're ready.

 

I commend you for not focusing on the other woman. I can't imagine how hard it is with and for the kids. They will be okay and will respect you for how you're handling it. Make sure you're taking care of yourself (eating right and getting rest) and be around supportive caring people.

 

Praying for you in this...

[enddeck]

First of all you have my greatest respect for the way you have handled this so far.Trying to find the other woman would serve no purpose,she never promised to love or respect you or anything else.The biggest problem you have in my opinion is that this affair was still going on until you found out about it.How do you know it is over,he may be meeting her when he is not in your home.You need to break off all contact with him for a while,then hire a private investigator to see if he is still seeing the other woman,and go from there.

The worst thing about this in my opinion is him crying in his truck when he knew you were looking at him,that was for your benefit.You need to know how many affairs he has had over the length of your marriage.I don't mean to sound harsh or negative but I have known men who had affair after affair and once they were finally caught they were so so sorry and would promise their wife's it was a once off and only happened because they were lonely while working away from home.

In my opinion a man does not cheat for the first time after twenty eight years of marriage but it may be the first time he got caught.

Again I do not want to seem harsh but I have seen this time and time again and you need to start divorce proceedings straight away whether you intend to proceed or not.It is the only way you will get him to accept you are not going to take this lying down.

[aymjean1994]

I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 21. We had been together for 31 years and married 28. We have two daughters 27 and 22.

 

I thought we had a strong marriage. We survived through many things. My oldest daughter had a six-year drug addiction from age fourteen to twenty when she finally accepted help. We survived my breast cancer diagnoses in 2010. And we even survived four miscarriages. I believed since we got through all of that, we'd were inseparable.

 

He had been the main breadwinner in our family. I had only went back to school to be LPN in 1998 and retired when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010. I had taken on a part time job as a caregiver for an elder couple and doing a lot of community volunteering.

 

My life came crashing down on July 3rd 2016. I expected nothing was wrong and would have never none any better if my husband hadn't left his email open. My laptop was in the shop so I borrowed his. I came across over one hundred emails between him and another woman in a two month period. I did a bit of snooping and found out he had been having an emotional and physical affair with a 29-year-old waitress. I looked over our bank statements and he had spent big sums of money at restaurants which I did not know about

 

I confronted him where he admitted he had met her at a bar. He said he flirted with her but never saw her again for a few more weeks. He saw her again when she was working at a restaurant. Him and a coworker went there for lunch, and he said they talked a bit. He never expected anything to come of it but he liked the attention. He admitted he frequent there a few times, when according to him, she wrote her number on a receipt.

 

He said they texted for a few weeks when he switched to emailing because he didn't want to get caught. He said they emailed for at least a month or two before they met for sex. He said the sexual affair only last a month, and they met probably four or five times. He admitted he probably would have kept doing it if I didn't catch him.

 

I asked him if he had feelings for her. He said he didn't, and it was strictly sexual and a boost to his ego. I kicked him out that night. He has been staying with his brother. He said he had ended contact with her and wants to work on our marriage. I'm not sure what the hell I want. I'm shattered and don't know if I can ever look at him again. On one token, I've been with this man for all my adult life, we have two kids, and we had a beautiful life together. I don't understand where things went wrong and why he would do this.

 

I'm shattered.

 

I am terribly sorry for your pain.

12 years ago I received a midnight phone call informing me of multiple affairs my ex husband engaged in. I was stalked by this woman for 18 months. Spent thousands on counseling over the years and after a 23 year marriage; our divorce was final last April. He is still one of my closest friends and my daughters father. I forgave but could not forget. You appear incredibly strong. Follow your instinct. Deep down inside you know the direction you need to take. Only time will tell.

[Married1988]

Enddeck: I do believe the crying in the truck wasn't for show. I don't think he knew I was looking. I was in the kitchen when he went outside. He said he would be right back. His truck was parked behind some bushes so their was no way I could see him unless I went out there. When he saw me he quickly tried to clean his eyes. As for this being his first affair, I believe it is but like you say it is likely it isn't.

 

I decided I'm going to get advice from a lawyer, and then ask him for a polygraph test. His reaction will say a lot. I also intend on seeking councelling once my daughter leaves back to her house in time for school. Maybe sooner if I start to feel myself losing it.

Edited July 24, 2016 by Married1988

[enddeck]

You are feeling devastated right now and probably not thinking straight.You need to get your husband out of the house,him in your daughters room is letting him think he is gradually getting back in to your bed and everything will be swept under the carpet.Let him know you want time to decide what is best for you,also you want access to all his phone,email and social media accounts and also his bank account.You have to know if this affair is over or not.The polygraph is a good idea,they are not foolproof but if he refuses to take it then you know where you stand.

The worst thing to do is nothing!

This is going to take you a long time to even begin to forgive him and you don't need to give him any timeline,you need to fix you and he needs to do whatever it takes to help.

Don't be overly concerned about keeping it a secret because it may be you were just the last to know about his fling.

I would also get tested for std because you don't know was he using protection.

[66Charger]

Look in the mirror, Start looking sharp. Become your own plan A

Edited July 25, 2016 by 66Charger

[Married1988]

My husband and I had a conversation this evening. We have a rental home with great renters. I can't have him in this house with me right now, and he doesn't want to stay with his brother. So we are giving our renters there notice to move and I feel sick. My husband's actions are affecting so many people. These renters have been with us for six years, and I hate to tell them to leave. We are on a month to month with the lease ending five years ago so we only need to legally give them thirty days notice. Ugh!

[enddeck]

My husband and I had a conversation this evening. We have a rental home with great renters. I can't have him in this house with me right now, and he doesn't want to stay with his brother. So we are giving our renters there notice to move and I feel sick. My husband's actions are affecting so many people. These renters have been with us for six years, and I hate to tell them to leave. We are on a month to month with the lease ending five years ago so we only need to legally give them thirty days notice. Ugh!

 

Don't you tell them to leave,let him do it.

[SummerDreams]

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. You seem like a logical and strong woman and I admire how well you are handling this. In my eyes I do not see a woman who wants to divorce. I know that thinking of your beloved H with another woman who is almost your daughter's age hurts like hell but I see you believe him saying he was flattered by the attention and she meant nothing to him. I suggest that you visit some marriage councelor and talk through all these matters, your feelings, what you want to happen from now on. I think you are close to forgiving him and I suggest you do as long as you still love him and want to stay with him. It's a shame to throw such a good marriage to the carbage. He has to do everything to his power for you to forgive him. Good luck!

[elaine567]

My husband and I had a conversation this evening. We have a rental home with great renters. I can't have him in this house with me right now, and he doesn't want to stay with his brother. So we are giving our renters there notice to move and I feel sick. My husband's actions are affecting so many people. These renters have been with us for six years, and I hate to tell them to leave. We are on a month to month with the lease ending five years ago so we only need to legally give them thirty days notice. Ugh!

 

That is awful, those poor people have now nowhere to go and you are also losing your rental income. Tell him to check into a bed and breakfast.

[66Charger]

I agree. Why cant you just give him the rental money to find a place?

[Married1988]

The rental is three blocks from his work, and since they are long term renters, their rent is 20% less then the average rental in that area. Our mortgage on the rental is dirt cheap so from a financial point of view, it make sense for him to take it. Besides it gives him an opportunity to do some renovations to the house. New flooring, paint, etc. Because if our marriage comes to an end the house will be ready to sell or when he moves out again it'll be ready to rent. So it'll be a win win situation for us.

[enddeck]

The rental is three blocks from his work, and since they are long term renters, their rent is 20% less then the average rental in that area. Our mortgage on the rental is dirt cheap so from a financial point of view, it make sense for him to take it. Besides it gives him an opportunity to do some renovations to the house. New flooring, paint, etc. Because if our marriage comes to an end the house will be ready to sell or when he moves out again it'll be ready to rent. So it'll be a win win situation for us.

 

Yes the way to a woman's heart is through her purse.Good luck with your life you are really going to need it.

[Married1988]

Enddeck: I'm not sure what you mean by your comment. "Yes the way to a woman's heart is through her purse.Good luck with your life you are really going to need it." It kind of makes me think that I'm some kind of money hungry bitch.

 

We had great renters and we gave them a good deal. I feel terrible that they'll have to go but from the state my marriage is in, divorce is a real possibility. If I decide his affair is a dealbreaker, we'll have to sell the rental property, or make some kind of deal with it. Honestly that is the last thing I want to do. I do see how my post could have came across as money being most important.

 

Also if I'm way out to lunch with what you meant by your comment, I apologize.

 

I have also mentioned to him about a room rental somewhere as well. I just don't know what to do honestly. I need him out right now.

Edited July 25, 2016 by Married1988

[BlueIris]

Enddeck: I'm not sure what you mean by your comment. "Yes the way to a woman's heart is through her purse.Good luck with your life you are really going to need it." It kind of makes me think that I'm some kind of money hungry bitch.

 

We had great renters and we gave them a good deal. I feel terrible that they'll have to go but from the state my marriage is in, divorce is a real possibility. If I decide his affair is a dealbreaker, we'll have to sell the rental property, or make some kind of deal with it. Honestly that is the last thing I want to do. I do see how my post could have came across as money being most important.

 

Also if I'm way out to lunch with what you meant by your comment, I apologize.

 

I have also mentioned to him about a room rental somewhere as well. I just don't know what to do honestly. I need him out right now.

 

You're not a money hungry bitch. Filter. You're right that this is the practical solution. They're renters, not dependents, and you have to do what you need right now.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. You're being so caring and kind, especially in regard to your husband and children. Take care of yourself.

[Married1988]

Blue Iris: Thanks It's been really really difficult. He really needs to stay somewhere else again. The three weeks he had been with his brother before my daughter came home had been great for me. I thought I'd be okay with him staying here but I can't do it.

[enddeck]

Yes the way to a woman's heart is through her purse.Good luck with your life you are really going to need it.

I apologise for this comment it was meant for another thread and I accidentally posted on yours and could not delete it.

Once again I apologise.

[understand50]

Married1988,

 

I worry, by limiting your contact with your WS, you may end up not being able to reconcile, even if you want to. Remember, and you have describe him as such, if he is remorseful, and wanting to work on the marriage, fully separating just tells him there is not hope. I would sit down and discuss, how this is to work and the rules, and most importantly, how long this will go on.

 

First to the "rules". There are many threads on LS, that start with, "separated for a few months, now want to get back, but I or them, are now or have been in other relationships". My first rule, would be, "we are both still married, and our Vows remain intact" Yes, i know he broke them, but redemption starting with keeping them. So no dating, no other relationships, no sex, unless with your spouse.

 

The second one, would be MC or IC depending on how both of you are getting along and if you are trying to make a go of the marriage.

 

The third, is some idea of interaction between you both. If I was him, I would start to "date" you again. try to start dealing with in a more positive manner. I think if you are even looking at reconciliation, you will need this as well. Start out slow.

 

The last "rule" would be to stay connected. What I mean with them share with each other, what is going on with your life. Also your schedule. Will help when, or if, you become a couple again.

 

Now, if you have decided, or think it is what will happen in the end, divorce, you can modify this to fit your situation. Tell him sooner then later, it is always better to have a clear path, then a muddy one. Better for both of you. Just a thought.

 

I wish luck.......

[heartwhole]

Married1988,

 

I worry, by limiting your contact with your WS, you may end up not being able to reconcile, even if you want to. Remember, and you have describe him as such, if he is remorseful, and wanting to work on the marriage, fully separating just tells him there is not hope. I would sit down and discuss, how this is to work and the rules, and most importantly, how long this will go on.

 

First to the "rules". There are many threads on LS, that start with, "separated for a few months, now want to get back, but I or them, are now or have been in other relationships". My first rule, would be, "we are both still married, and our Vows remain intact" Yes, i know he broke them, but redemption starting with keeping them. So no dating, no other relationships, no sex, unless with your spouse.

 

The second one, would be MC or IC depending on how both of you are getting along and if you are trying to make a go of the marriage.

 

The third, is some idea of interaction between you both. If I was him, I would start to "date" you again. try to start dealing with in a more positive manner. I think if you are even looking at reconciliation, you will need this as well. Start out slow.

 

The last "rule" would be to stay connected. What I mean with them share with each other, what is going on with your life. Also your schedule. Will help when, or if, you become a couple again.

 

Now, if you have decided, or think it is what will happen in the end, divorce, you can modify this to fit your situation. Tell him sooner then later, it is always better to have a clear path, then a muddy one. Better for both of you. Just a thought.

 

I wish luck.......

 

I disagree. I don't think she should disregard her instincts and feelings just so that her wayward husband doesn't move on. If he can't appreciate her need for space and his faithfulness and commitment are hanging on by such a thin thread that her needing space for a few weeks will sever them, then I don't think they stand a chance at reconciling anyway.

 

She doesn't have to know if she's still committed to this marriage today. She deserves time to process the fact that their previous deal was broken (by him) and to determine if she is willing to strike a new deal with him.