Husband had an affair... Separated

[merrmeade]

I have felt a lot of relief since the polygraph. THe husband is still in the guest bedroom and my daughter's are still processing finding out their father cheated on me.

 

I did have a minor set back this morning. I was organizing out my closet. I've been doing a lot of organizing in general lately to help distract me from the mess my marriage is in. I came across my wedding dress in the back of my closet. I cried for a good ten minutes before, stopping the task at hand. My husband gave me a hug. This was probably the most affection I accepted from him since I found out.

 

The rest of the day went relatively well except I retreated to the bedroom early and locked him out. I think he wanted to cuddle and watch a movie but I just wanted to sleep.

I think you are doing just GREAT and really respect what you are doing. Really it is for the best because you are respecting you and acting according to your feelings. Reading about how you react to each thing and don't give in to any other influence or sense of obligation in how you treat him or what you accept from him - makes me realize how badly I treated myself when I was at this point after finding out. It's a regret I'll always have not only for myself but because it let him off the hook and he, therefore, would have come to a different conclusion about how I was doing. With you, your husband can have no doubt. I also like the fact that - just because he's apologized, been compliant with your requests, even tried to connect with your new online friends, nobody feels obligated to make it any easier for him and that's how it should be. That's how you will heal. You'll be all right.

[merrmeade]

I don't know if this was the right move or not but I've been asking him questions on what they talked about, what was going through his mind. I have a timeline but the "why" are still shooting through my mind. At least today I haven't told him to get lost so that means something.

I did this for a long time and will probably continue to do it. In my case, I found out my husband had cheated five times in a 40-year marriage—mostly emotional affairs but definitely varying degrees of physical intimacy. It's all soul-destroying; does't matter actually about the details. Affairs - plural - and this is the part I want you to hear: Every single time I talk to him about it -every time - I learn something I did not know. As with your poly test results, it's usually something about how long, as in, how long of an EA, how long they were in contact, how serious it was to him.

 

If your husband could - at the very, very least - realize that he loses far more by holding back or distorting anything he tells you to make, he thinks, it less paiful. Worst mistake he could make. The only way for you to begin to trust him again is for him to knock himself out trying to tell you until you say enough.

 

I do trust my husband now for several reasons though knocking himself out to tell me truth is not and will never be one of them. It's antithetical to his very being to unguard himself.

[Married1988]

For the most part I believe I have all the details I realistically need. I've been reading others stories and experiences and I feel kind of different. There are some betrayed spouses who are obsessed with needing to know every detail, wanting to talk about the affair constantly. Some are engaged in hyper bonding, and having sex often as a way to reconnect or to feel better. I'm not sure one hundred percent.

 

Me, I'm kind of just going through the motions. I found out what I needed from the polygraph test. He lied about the length of the emotional affair. We talked about it and probably will again over the course of our journey to either reconciling or divorcing. But I'm at a point at least right now that I just want space. I want space to figure out where do I go from here. I feel like I have a clear path to make a decision, when I'm ready. I'm still on the fence on weather to reconcile or divorce.

 

My husband so far is doing more than I expected. I have access to his phone, email, and social media. I have checked a few times but I haven't had the urge to constantly check his whereabouts. I'm just kind of numbed. Maybe once I make a decision I'll be more investigative but right now I just don't have the drive or energy to worry about what he is doing.

 

Some persons had commented I'm taking this remarkably well. My daughter mentioned to me she thought she was taking the news worse than I was. I told her that I was surviving. I'm also one not to show when I'm hurting in front of my kids. I put on the tough face which I'm slowly learning to show. This had been the hardest hit to my life and to my confidence. I'm just taking it second by second and day by day until I make a choice on weither my marriage is worth saving.

[sandylee1]

There's a reason that police use polygraphs in criminal investigations. They aren't 100% accurate, but they are not a gimmick. You obviously need an experienced examiner to undertake the test.

 

If you're going to try and reconcile with your WS anyway, then you might as well do everything you can to safeguard yourself and if that includes a polygraph, or a post nuptial agreement .... then why not.

 

When your spouse has cheated .... blind trust goes out of the window and it serves more purposes than just getting the truth. When the WS finds themselves answering questions about their infidelity to a complete stranger, it will hopefully humble them and serve as a reminder of the unpleasant experience.

[enddeck]

While you are right not to get obsessive about his whereabouts it does no harm to check on him from time to time.My neighbours wife had a short lived affair about twelve years ago,he found out and threw her out.They eventually reconciled but he never trusted her one hundred per cent.He used to check on her very casually especially when she had to travel for work.

An iPhone was her downfall.She told him she would be in a particular town for two nights on business,he rung her and she eventually answered but his gut told him something was wrong.He checked the find my iPhone app and it was in the hotel where she said she would be.She had told him on the phone that she was at a business meeting about five miles away.For the entire two days her iPhone never left the hotel but when he rung her she was in different places each time.She had bought a second phone and was swopping the SIM card between them but it never occurred to her to bring the iPhone with her during working hours.

He had her bags packed and sent to her parents house with proof of the previous affair before she came home.

The point I'm making is some people do not stop cheating they just get better at hiding it.

My neighbours wife confessed in the end that she had only stopped the first affair until he took her back.She had been cheating with her boss,(my neighbour did not know this)so they just carried on until he started an affair with someone else.She had at least three more affairs,always short lived and numerous one night stands.

The best thing to come out of this was she had signed an agreement after the first affair that the house was his and half their savings.By the time of the second affair she had a high powered job and their house had almost tripled in size,all paid for by her.She left with her car and clothes and her reputation in tatters.She lost her job for bringing her company into disrepute because the last guy she was cheating with was the ceo of a rival firm who she was supposed to be in negotiations with over a buyout.His wife's family owned the firm and when my neighbour had exposed her husband as a cheat she threw him out and her family sacked him.

Edited July 30, 2016 by enddeck

[Married1988]

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. I kicked him out. He did nothing else wrong but I just couldn't stand to look at him. It started with going into the kitchen. He was making coffee. I don't know exactly it was but I just triggered. I was fine just a moment before. He tried apologizing for everything he had done but I just wasn't having it. He went to work and then went to spend the night at hotel because his brother was on vacation and didn't have a key to his place.

 

He has been trying to call me but I've been ignoring him. I just need time to calm down because I'm feeling very bitter. I have taken on an shift at my volunteering job as a way to distract me. I'm just an emotional, angry mess.

[LifesontheUp]

Hello Married1988

 

I've just been catching up with your posts and wanted to let you know that its okay for you to take your time and if you want space then you take it and he has to respect it.

 

I was together with my exH for 18 yrs, yes its a long time and my initial reaction to his infidelity was to kick him out and that is exactly what I did (with the help of his mother telling to respect my wishes). When I felt a little more like it, we started to talk and even agreed to start trying to go out on dates but while he wanted to come home, I just didn't want that at the time.

 

IMO you should do as you want, if you don't want him around at the moment then that is fine. It is possible in time you will change your mind, but for now the decisions are in your hands on what YOU want.

 

I'm not sure what support you are getting, but lean on family and friends at this time. There isn't any rush, there isn't a magic cure I'm afraid, but take one day at a time and of course - in your own time is my suggestion.

 

Hugs

[aileD]

He did pass when he was asked if he told the other woman that he was married and he admitted he didn't

 

So....there's a little thing called a wedding ring that shows people you are married without you having to say a word.

 

Where is/was his ring?

[Lobe]

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. I kicked him out. He did nothing else wrong but I just couldn't stand to look at him. It started with going into the kitchen. He was making coffee. I don't know exactly it was but I just triggered. I was fine just a moment before. He tried apologizing for everything he had done but I just wasn't having it. He went to work and then went to spend the night at hotel because his brother was on vacation and didn't have a key to his place.

 

He has been trying to call me but I've been ignoring him. I just need time to calm down because I'm feeling very bitter. I have taken on an shift at my volunteering job as a way to distract me. I'm just an emotional, angry mess.

 

The hinges on your door may swing in and out many more times before you have made a decision - you might want to buy your hubby a pillow for his arse.

 

Triggers are assh*les with no respect for your desire to be functional or productive, much less have peace of mind. There are still times I look at my husband and quietly seethe for what he took away from us, from our life, with his stupid selfish bad life choices. I don't kick him out of the house or bedroom anymore but there are nights when I will sleep as far away from him as humanly possible while sharing a bed because I still need space. I hate that sometimes I feel like the reason he is holding me is because it makes HIM feel secure, not because it's supposed to make ME feel secure. I feel like yelling, "Why are you so desperate to cling to me now when you couldn't be bothered to give me the time of day while you were romancing your girlfriend?" I've been told 2-5 years before it won't feel like things WS does (or does not do) is too little too late...

 

Give yourself all the time and space you need right now. If your husband is truly remorseful, his actions while he is staying away from home will probably be a better indicator of how much he wants to reconcile and regrets his selfish actions than that polygraph.

[Married1988]

It's just a little over a month since I found out.

 

This will probably come across as a rant more than anything but I really need to get this out.

 

These past few days have been difficult. I ended up not giving my renters notice and I regret it. I'm just so pissed off. Not only did my husband's affair affect me and our girls, but he is putting so much bull**** on other people. I changed my mind because I didn't want to evict renters we really adored, who paid rent on time, and took great care of our property. Then I feel terrible for changing my mind and feeling regret. This is a **** storm I didn't deserve.

 

My younger daughter told me she is flying back home on Friday. She told me she came down here to spend time with us, and too have a break from her stressful life and to have a distraction from her recent break up. She told me she didn't want to stick around and watch her parents marriage crumble. I'm so mad at my husband for putting our daughter in this situation.

 

I hate that my marriage is in shambles. I hate that I can't look at my husband the same way again. I have so much resentment towards him, my life. I just don't know if I can get through this. He is trying to make it right , he really is but I just don't know if I can forgive this.

 

Last night, we managed to have a discussion without me totally blowing up. I told him I'd wait until after Christmas at the earliest to make a decision on whether divorce or reconcile. He is going to rent a bachelor a few blocks from our house. We are going to do a real separation.

 

I made an appointment with a therapist for tomorrow morning. Whether or not my marriage falls apart, I need to be strong. I'm having a hard time coping with this fall out. I just don't know what the hell I want right now.

[BluesPower]

Married1988,

 

I have been where you are. I really understand how hurt you are. The pain is almost unbearable, and you have every right to feel the way you feel.

 

First off, you have only known for a month, so you have to understand that even though you feel like you should be getting a handle on your emotions (Right?) you just cannot seem to get there. You are a strong woman, smart, great mom, why can't you get yourself together?

 

The answer is that you are really still in shock. You are just in the initial stages of dealing with this trauma. You counselor is going to tell you that today when you go to your appointment.

 

It really takes a while to get over this stuff, so take your time. No one deservers for their Spouse to have an affair, no one deserves the pain and anguish.

 

If your husband is "really remorseful", and he does everything right, you still may not want to be with him anymore. Some people just cannot deal with the pain even years after the affair.

 

I advise that you continue with the separation, it will give you the space you need to deal with the situation. Over the next few months, as you start to heal, you really, really, REALLY need to think what you want for your life.

 

Do you really love your husband the you want to be loved. Is there the excitement that you once had? Can it be there again. Does he love you the way that you need? Did the sex fall off in your marriage? Do you even want him sexually anymore? Do you want him sexually before the affair?

 

These are just some of the questions that you will have to answer over time. But, take the time and be honest with yourself, be completely honest with yourself.

 

You guys are in your 40's, and life is not over by any means, but you sure need to move forward soon or you might get to a place where it is too late to really live.

 

If you find that you just cannot be with your husband, get a divorce and move on. It is not the worst thing that can happen. Hell, if you get divorced you can sleep around a little yourself and see what is out there.

 

You may really find the love of your life, but you may be married to the love of your life.

 

Above all, realize that you have to be true to yourself, and at this age you need to find a way to be actually happy. That may be with your husband or it may be alone. Only time will tell.

Edited August 9, 2016 by BluesPower

[DeeplyMissHer]

Let him go. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Edited August 9, 2016 by DeeplyMissHer

[Married1988]

BluePower: My marriage was as perfect as a marriage could get before discovery. Or at least I thought it was.

 

Our sex life was great and I trusted this man 100%. I would have not known any different if I didn't stumble by his email by accident. I loved and respected this man.

 

Now all that respect, and trust is gone. I love him but I don't know if I can get over this betrayal.

[DeeplyMissHer]

If the trust and respect is gone, it won't come back. And if it does it won't be the same. I'm sorry this had happened to you. A man who cheats on his spouse is a coward.

[ladydesigner]

The hinges on your door may swing in and out many more times before you have made a decision - you might want to buy your hubby a pillow for his arse.

 

Bahahahaha for sure! Mine had a suitcase packed for a whole year after initial Dday. That is how often I kicked him out.

[Married1988]

I had my first therapist session this morning. It went pretty well and the therapist reassured me how I was feeling was normal. We did talk about healthy way to deal with my sadness an anger. So I'm happy to report I've been doing a good job there. I have another book in two weeks.

[Lobe]

I had my first therapist session this morning. It went pretty well and the therapist reassured me how I was feeling was normal. We did talk about healthy way to deal with my sadness an anger. So I'm happy to report I've been doing a good job there. I have another book in two weeks.

 

My emotions and thoughts were all over the map for months, and now almost 20 months out from d-day, I still have moments or even days when I cannot control the deep sadness or sudden rage I feel. There are triggers everywhere and new ones still crop up out of seemingly nowhere. Don't rush yourself or feel like you're not making progress "fast" enough. If you husband is truly remorseful, whether you choose to reconcile or divorce he will spend the rest of his life making sure that you know how much he regrets writing this chapter into your history.

 

Take care of YOU, let your daughter take care of HER, and let your husband prove that he is remorseful by continuing NC with his AP, going to counselling, and being open and kind towards you.

[Married1988]

Good news My husband rented the bachelor pad. Bad news... My basement is going to be empty because he is taking the sofa for his place. IT acts as a pull out couch. He gets possession of the place tomorrow. It's a month to month lease so he can move back at any time or permantly stay there I don't know.

[Married1988]

I told my husband I wanted a divorce.

 

I think deep down inside I always knew cheating was a dealbreaker but I'm just so sick of feeling sad, angry, disappointed. I love him but I can't live the rest of my life with someone who betrayed me in the worst way.

 

I don't feel special anymore, my marriage doesn't seem special. I just feel like our relationship or marriage is hallow. I keep thinking about how long he would have kept this affair going if I didn't stumble across his email. I just feel like all trust in people is shattered.

 

Tonight I told him. He cried and I cried. He begged me to reconsider but I'm just not feeling it. The time apart right after D-day was relief. The few weeks we attempted to be in the same house has been hell. I told him this was it.

 

I'm seeing a lawyer first thing Monday morning. This is really happening. 31 years together, two kids and it'll all come to an end.

[Wade Lamare]

And that's fine, for many people adultery is a deal breaker.

 

Obviously that is who you are, and I think you are going to do yourself and your marriage more harm by tying yourself up in a knot trying to be somebody you aren't than being honest and saying "sorry, I'm done."

 

He can grizzle and whine as much as he likes, I know AP's compartmentalise and think 'it'll never happen to them' but deep down everyone who embarks on an affair must realise that if they are discovered their partner is going to be pissed off to some degree.

 

So he's sad and crying now? Well boo hoo, you took the chance pal, you threw the dice, too late to cry about the odds now!

 

And obviously, having said that starting divorce proceedings does not mean you have to go through with it, if you have a change of heart before or even after divorce then that's ok too. Whatever is gonna make you as happy as possible given the £^%& sandwich you've been served.

[sandylee1]

Sometimes there is no going back from infidelity. His desire for an ego boost has meant over 30 years together down the drain.

 

Sorry it's come to this, but it's a dealbreaker for many. Having triggers and looking at the person who did this is very tough.

[Married1988]

Today I'm just feeling so sad. My husband--I'm not sure why I still call him that-- has called me a few times this morning. I've been ignoring him and going sraight 180. I'm heartbroken, shattered and just don't know what to do. I sat on the back porch staring at the house we had bought 26 years ago, that we finished paying off. I remembered all the things good parts of our marriage, the memories, the kind sensible man he was. It just feels like they are all tainted and it breaks my heart. My oldest daughter has been true to her word to being neutral. She told me and her father both she doesn't want to know anymore. Doesn't want us to tell her anything unless she asks. I decided to pack up all my wedding albums, wedding dress, and my wedding rings and send them to a storage locker. I can't get rid of them but I can't stand to look at them.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to gather up our finances and talk to a lawyer. I'm hoping the husband and I can split amicably. Both of us leaving where we can recoup what we had lost. I don't know. I'm just so sad.

Edited August 13, 2016 by Married1988

[Married1988]

I have contacted a lawyer but haven't filed yet. My husband is living in his bachelor pad and I'm just trying to work up the courage to file. I think after learning what we will both be losing in the divorce is holding me back. I don't want either of us to have to work well into retirement to recoup what we will both lose. Even though realistically I'll be coming out better then him. The lawyer said I'm entitled to half his pension, and spousal support long term. I'll have to sell our house, our rental. So many memories we built all washed away. But I also think I might be having second thoughts. The time away from my husband has been very bittersweet. I do miss him but I have this dark cloud hanging over my head. I'm just not sure what to do.

[heartwhole]

I don't have any advice, just want to acknowledge your update. There will be pain either way, but joy either way too. It's just a matter of what you want, of what path will make your future the happiest. I think it's too hazy for you to see it yet.

[kgcolonel]

Hi Married....please remember, it's not a race....time does help heal and it didn't take only a second to arrive here so spend the right amount of time deciding what to do....