Wife having affair while we are still living together

[Nicklee1019]

My wife and I have been married 16 years together 18. We have one child together and one she had from a one night stand before we met that I adopted and consider my own.

 

Our marriage had the same issues as a lot of the stories on this site. Poor communication, depression, no sex/intamcy, etc. we still managed to stay best friends and treated each other well. My hope was that given enough space, she would find her way back to the intamcy that we had lost.

 

7 weeks ago she turned to me and said, "look, I found my old boyfriend, Bill on Facebook!" I asked if she was going to friend request him and she said no. 2 days later she called me at work and said she had sent him a request and he now only lives 3 hours away and wanted to meet her for lunch. She asked me if that was okay with me and did I trust her. I said I did trust her but I was uneasy with this man coming into our lives. She said don't be silly, it's just one lunch.

 

I reluctantly agreed. In the week before her lunch she changed. She became distant, put a lock on her phone. Turned of location services. And blocked me from seeing her photos. She kept the phone on her at all times. The night before her lunch we sat outside and I said I was uncomfortable with this lunch. Told her she had been acting strange. She looked at me and said "I'm not happy anymore in this marriage, I want a divorce". I was shocked. She refused to talk about it anymore. The next day she left st 8:00am for her lunch with Bill and didn't come home till 11:00pm. She wouldn't answer my calls or texts the whole day. When I asked her if anything happened between them she said "no"

 

They had just talked. In the days that followed I checked into her email and found that she had been emailing him and he her. They were graphic in what they wanted to do to each other sexually and that they had kissed the night she met him but did not have sex. I confronted her with the emails and begged her to help me save our marriage and family. She refused. She said "Fate" brought them together and she loved him and always has. She also informed me she was going to stay 4 days with him at his home in another state 3 hours away. I begged her not to go, but she went anyway. When she returned she told me they did have sex. She loved him. And she wanted out if our marriage. I hired an attorney and found out that this guy is a low life. Has no money. Been arrested for domestic violence. Lives in a dump and is involved in a custody dispute.

 

We have spent time during this being ok and times being nasty. I tell her I'm still in love and forgive her and I want to save the marriage. She says the classic "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". She has alienated herself from my family and her own and justifies her actions by saying she is finally doing something for herself and she's going to make herself happy for a change. She has seen him 2 times, all multiple day stretches. We still live in the same house. I have told her if she wants a divorce she needs to sue me for it. I am hoping she will eventually see that this guy is only after her money and her body nhenwint make any commitments to her and she knows she can't move to him or lose custody and he won't move to her. She says she's okay with that.

 

What should in do? I have gotten into therapy and back in antidepressants and feel normal for the first time in years. She says she can see and tell the difference in me. Should I stay or wait it out?

Edited July 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add paragraphs, consolidate topics into Infidelity forum

[stillafool]

She has made it clear that she loves this guy no matter what so there is nothing for you to hold on to. Just give her the divorce. If she has told you that she is in love with the loser let him have her because he's already got her. What will make you more miserable is having her stay under your roof and watching her go back and forth to the other man. Let her go, make her move out. There is no way you will be able to keep them apart so you may as well start accepting that it's over and give her the divorce. I'm glad you are in therapy to help you through this painful process.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to say, it's pretty clear she has totally checked out of the marriage. She wants to have her cake and eat it: get great sex with this guy (do you seriously believe they are not having sex every single time they meet?), and then come home to the safety and security of you and her nice home with her children. Are you OK with her walking all over you like that?

 

You need to see a lawyer and file for divorce. You need to also talk to your lawyer about your children's safety, since your wife is involved with a man with an abusive history, and you need to file for custody on that ground. You need to sever ties with your cheating wife.

[GorillaTheater]

What should in do?

 

 

Stay cool, calm, and collected, wish her well, and divorce her ass ASAP.

[The_Onceler]

Based on your years of marriage, I am guessing that she is in her 30's, perhaps approaching 40? I mention it because my gf recently announced that she was getting back together with an old flame, who she also connected with via Facebook. It is evident from our initial conversations and arguments that, at least in part, she is going through some kind of mid-life crisis and/or pre-menopausal episode.

 

But she has said things that sound like your story:

 

(1) She loves me, but is not in love with me.

(2) She loves him.

(3) She deserves to be happy.

(4) She feels a connection to him

 

I could go on psychoanalyzing all of this, but as others have said, the bottom line is that she has already checked out of the relationship. By allowing yourself to live together with her under the circumstances is surely hurting you, and by extension is likely impacting your kids.

 

Even if you could reconcile, it seems to me that the only path forward starts with having her leave. It pains me to say it (as it pained me to admit the same to myself), and I wouldn't wish this stuff on anybody, but I think that is the bottom line.

[CarrieT]

Learn about The 180.

 

Study and implement.

 

The best thing you can do is let her go. Don't chase. Act as if you are moving on, even when it hurts you to do so.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have told her if she wants a divorce she needs to sue me for it.

 

All you're doing with this approach is punishing yourself and rewarding her. You have to watch her cheat with him right in your face and she gets a hot shower and lunch to run home to afterwards.

 

Stay cool, calm, and collected, wish her well, and divorce her ass ASAP.

 

Amen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kgcolonel]

Let him house, clothe and feed her and put up with her daily BS....then see how hot she looks to him.....she's living in a fantasy world right now with no responsibilities.

 

She needs some reality and you need some relief....your only relief will be in the form of a void from the misery she is causing in your life...

[BluesPower]

 

 

The next day she left st 8:00am for her lunch with Bill and didn't come home till 11:00pm. She wouldn't answer my calls or texts the whole day. When I asked her if anything happened between them she said "no"

They had just talked. In the days that followed I checked into her email and found that she had been emailing him and he her. They were graphic in what they wanted to do to each other sexually and that they had kissed the night she met him but did not have sex.

 

You need to divorce her ASAP. Do you really believe any of this? You don't think she has not had other affairs. I know this hurts, I have been there. She has been involved with him and probably multiple men while married to you.

[Nicklee1019]

My wife of 18 years, together 20 is in the midst of an affair with an old boyfriend she reconnected with on Facebook. They live 3 hours apart in different states, but she goes to him every two weeks and stays for 3 to 5 days. We still live together and I refuse to divorce her in the hopes that she will eventually realize that she is making a huge mistake. She is high on the affair and him right now, Remembering her time with him when she was 22 and she was young, she's 44 now.

 

She forgets telling me how awful he treated her when we discussed old flames in the past. She only remembers the good times. This guy is a bum. He is using her for money and sex. That's all. He makes no commitment to her. Meanwhile, my children and I wait for her at home and when she's here she is distant and defensive. I am following the 180 rule as best as I can, which isn't easy as we live together and own a business that requires us to work together daily. She basically comes home and goes to her room and doesn't come out for anything but food and drink and then every two weeks she's fine telling our children she's going to visit a friend. They aren't dumb, they know what's going on but choose to not discuss it.

 

I prefer that for now, they don't need any added stress to their lives. She says she is in love with him and she deserves to be happy and that everyone in our families sit in judgement on her and they are all sinners too. She says this is her time now. It's her turn to be happy. Up till now, our marriage was good. Not great, but good. We had ups and downs like everyone but we rarely argued. We had crappy communication. But we were always best friends. Even now, she comes to my room to talk about this and that and it's like old times. She knows thisnismkilling me, but doesn't care. She's devoted to him and his issues 100%.

 

My question is this: will she come out of this fog? How long before she can see she's being used? Since they only see each other twice a month, but have daily skype, phone calls, and texts will that make this more difficult and longer. Yes, they have sex. Lots of it. Kinky sex she once thought was not her thing. Will she come back or am

I fooling myself? Thanks

Edited July 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and merge into existing thread

[William]

Folks, due to a report I reviewed a couple threads, merged them into our Infidelity forum and added some paragraphs to help readers. Please continue the discussion in this thread and be advised there may be some duplicate content. Thanks!

[loveisanaction]

Hi Nick,

 

[Content posted during moderation move redacted]

 

i will say this-My heart goes out to you but why are you allowing your wife to still live under roof? Are the two of you separated? Is she making arrangements to move out soon? Your wife has checked out of the marriage both emotionally and physically, she is willingly giving her heart and body to another man right in front of you. Why are you putting up with this? You won't be able to win her back this way because she is not respecting you.

 

She said she's in love with this man and that everybody should be happy for her, so why is not living with him? Why does she get to come home?

Edited July 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

Your wife is caught up in a romantic fantasy of hot sex and long lost love. Meanwhile you are degrading yourself by staying with her and allowing this to go on right under your nose. She will not be moved by your devotion, instead she will see your willingness to put up with this as weak and unmanly. I bet her lover tells her that HE would never share her with another man and I bet that gets her purring. Right now both she and her affair partner are probably sneering at your weakness and think you are pathetic.

 

You're probably better off without her but if you you're determined to save your marriage then you need to get your butt in gear and take some action. Seperate immediately and serve her with divorce papers. Start going on with your life like she doesn't even exist. Do not take care of her problems or have any discussions with her about the marriage or the affair. Let her know by your actions that you are done and she's on her own from hereonin. This will reconnect her to reality. Now there is no gaurantee that forcing reality on her is going to bring her back to your marriage but what you're doing right now is definitely not going to bring her back. What you are doing is destroying any respect she may have had for you and are pushing her right into the OM's arms. Meanwhile your self worth and self respect is being damaged. You will not be rewarded for staying with her and allowing this affair to go on. Do something else.

[kgcolonel]

Your wife is caught up in a romantic fantasy of hot sex and long lost love. Meanwhile you are degrading yourself by staying with her and allowing this to go on right under your nose. She will not be moved by your devotion, instead she will see your willingness to put up with this as weak and unmanly. I bet her lover tells her that HE would never share her with another man and I bet that gets her purring. Right now both she and her affair partner are probably sneering at your weakness and think you are pathetic.

 

You're probably better off without her but if you you're determined to save your marriage then you need to get your butt in gear and take some action. Seperate immediately and serve her with divorce papers. Start going on with your life like she doesn't even exist. Do not take care of her problems or have any discussions with her about the marriage or the affair. Let her know by your actions that you are done and she's on her own from hereonin. This will reconnect her to reality. Now there is no gaurantee that forcing reality on her is going to bring her back to your marriage but what you're doing right now is definitely not going to bring her back. What you are doing is destroying any respect she may have had for you and are pushing her right into the OM's arms. Meanwhile your self worth and self respect is being damaged. You will not be rewarded for staying with her and allowing this affair to go on. Do something else.

 

Great post....this is also telling your kids that the behavior on your wife's part is okay....they too will lose respect for you if you don't man up and put your foot down. Either way, you may lose her or you may win her back but doing what you're doing now is wading in quick sand emotionally and undoubtedly, affecting your parenting with your kids.

[understand50]

Your wife is lost to you as long as she is connected with this other guy. Your only choice, and have any self respect, is to kick her out and divorce.

 

Why would you want her, after she has done this?

 

You are listening to them talk about having SEX, when you are her husband. The first and only step is to regain control, and cut her loose. If she finds that she made a terrible mistake, then maybe, you can decide to forgive her. She is being so blatant, I would not be able to do so, if I was you. What else are you willing to overlook in you life and marriage?

 

You need to ask yourself, why you are willing to put up with this?

 

Asking about reconciliation, and taking her back, is so far down the road. The first and only thing is to demonstrate to your kids, that you will not tolerate this, and regain what ever self respect and control you can,

 

In other words, "Man Up"

 

I wish you luck.....

[Lobe]

Learn about The 180.

 

Study and implement.

 

The best thing you can do is let her go. Don't chase. Act as if you are moving on, even when it hurts you to do so.

 

This.

 

Sorry you've joined the BS club.

[Marc878]

Your wife is a problem but you are the bigger one. Your lack of actions are enabling her.

 

She's doing what she wants when she wants and you are doing what?

 

Begging and pleading is the absolute worse thing you can do.

 

She's a cake eater and you are feeding her. Cut it off.

 

Yep it's a shock!!! Got it but you need to get strong and take charge of your life if you ever want to have one.

 

Read " No More Mr Nice Guy" free down load. I suspect that may be why she's walking all over you.

[Friskyone4u]

My question is this: will she come out of this fog?

 

Others have given you the correct advice. We are all I am sure sorry you are going through this but what you are doing is playing what is called the "pick me game", and using your children to justify it.

 

Your question about her coming out of the fog. I doubt it. Why should she???? You are begging her and telling her you will forgive her no matter what so why should she not her "her time" and "fun".

 

You may think her behavior is unique but what she is doing is not unique at all. But your reaction and actions are doing absolutely nothing to help your situation. in many cases on a forum such as this, the BS is trying to figure out what is happening. not your case. She is showing you no respect by basically telling you that this open marriage will continue and you will continue to watch her go have sex with another man as long as she wants to.

 

The OM does not have to be able to provide her with anything because she is giving herself to him with no consequences. Your kids already know what she is doing so if you think that is a healthy environment you are wrong on that one also.

 

So what can you do. You have two choices

(1) continue to share her with another man and be miserable indefinitely. And by the way if they break up she now knows she can have sex with any other man she wants to and you are and probably will still just sit there.

(2) you can take control of your life and understand that you can get out of infidelity but you may not save you marriage.

 

Should you choose #2, there are a lot of things you can do. Should you choose #1, you might find more help on a Polyamory site where folks will try to talk you through accepting what she is doing and be happy for her.

if that sounds good, go for it.

 

Now if you decide you are really not happy here,

(1) get to an attorney ASAP. Do not tell her

(2) file for divorce. You can stop it any time you want to if she stops what she is doing and you can verify that, which includes unlocking ALL the electronic devices

 

She told you she is not in love with you. Maybe not, but she IS in love with the excitement on the new man and you cannot compete with that. make her make a choice by filing and that will let her know she better be sure she has a future with him because she is on borrowed time with you.

 

And please do not spend you money on MC with an active cheater. you are wasting your time.

 

i know you did not want to hear most of this but if you want to have any chance to stay married, it is you who need to get out of denial and the fog you are in, and take action to protect yourself.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Set up a new bank account that only YOU have access to, divert your direct deposit paychecks to it, then clean out 50% of all accounts you have IMMEDIATELY and put them in this account...

 

Otherwise, she can fiancially clean you out as it's "marital assets" she has legal access to. If you are not proactive in this, and take what's fair, she's going to take it all...

 

Then get an attorney and prepare to divorce

[Friskyone4u]

You just got another piece of good advice

 

Once you file any debt she runs up will most likely be on her so you will not be helping to find her fun.

[SoulSearcherAt50]

What should in do? I have gotten into therapy and back in antidepressants and feel normal for the first time in years. She says she can see and tell the difference in me. Should I stay or wait it out?

x

 

 

Could that be a good for future?

Maybe you are changing into a man she will want?

 

 

From your post it seems like you are loving her to

the point that you let her treated you as a doormat

and she needs a MAN? Think about you. Am I right?

Be honest with yourself. Good Luck!

 

 

 

 

P.S. How much money she is looking in after divorce?

[Poutrew]

You just got another piece of good advice

 

Once you file any debt she runs up will most likely be on her so you will not be helping to find her fun.

 

Agree. Also, I'd bet she wants out so bad you can get a really nice settlement out of her. I'd take advantage of that fact, and hope she doesn't come out of her affair fog until she is officially a divorced woman! Now, once the OM uses her, breaks her, and bankrupts her and she comes back to you saying how big a mistake she made and how sorry she is, you can decide if you want to have anything to do with her. But, I'm betting by that time, you'll already have a new, sane woman who knows how to love you, and you will slam the door in her face.

[Friskyone4u]

Agree. Also, I'd bet she wants out so bad you can get a really nice settlement out of her. I'd take advantage of that fact, and hope she doesn't come out of her affair fog until she is officially a divorced woman! Now, once the OM uses her, breaks her, and bankrupts her and she comes back to you saying how big a mistake she made and how sorry she is, you can decide if you want to have anything to do with her. But, I'm betting by that time, you'll already have a new, sane woman who knows how to love you, and you will slam the door in her face.

 

More good advice, but I am not so sure she wants out. Right now she has no reason to want out. She has her home, family life when she wants it, finances taken care of, and her boyfriend on the side. If she wanted out she would have filed.

 

My bet is if he files she will try to bull **** him into a false R. Right now she has it all going her way. It appears this OM is not local if she is leaving for multiple days to be with him.

 

Brother, you need to act. Playing ostrich is not going to help you.

[bubbaganoosh]

Here's what you do. When she goes to this guys house, pack her belongings and drive them to this guys house, drop them off in the driveway and tell her to stay there and don't come back.

 

Get a lawyer, file for divorce and custody and unload her. She's going to bring you down with her if you don't. Time for you to grow a pair and think about yourself and your kids. If she's willing to not only leave you and the kids for this guy then she isn't worth it.

[Married1988]

I'm also dealing with infidelity.

 

My advice to you is if you want her back or to realize what she is missing. You need to make her feel the consequences for her actions. Seek a lawyer, file for divorce (it can always been stopped at any time), get temporary custody of the kids (if the other guy has a history of domestic violence do you want your kids around that) and exclusive access to the house. One of two things will happen, she'll realize that shacking up with an ex is not all cracked up to be, or you'll know for sure she just not into the marriage anymore.