Clay Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 I personally think you should turn her in to the police. She really could care less about what she does to you so why is it important to protect her now. If there is anyway I would use it, it would be for her to sign a divorce that I wrote in my favor and she agrees to it 100 %. Anything less than that is a waste of time. C 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 Give the information you have gathered to the cops. She's a thief, on top of all the other crap she's done. If it is in the thousands she could be looking at serious felony charges. If it is her first offense she will most likely get probation and maybe some jail. Maybe serving time in the county lock-up and having to answer to a PO for three years will teach her some humility. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nicklee1019 Posted August 18, 2016 Author Share Posted August 18, 2016 So here is my problem. I know I'm asking to get beat up with this, but here goes anyway. I still love her. I want to save my marriage and my family. Yes, I know she's checked out. I know she is sleeping with another man. I know she has spent a lot of iur savings to support this man. She stole money from our business to support this man. But keeping that all in mind, I still love her. Why? Even I know it's stupid! But we have so much history and our marriage was really quite good until this affair. So how do I get her out of my heart and head and let her go? I'm so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 So here is my problem. I know I'm asking to get beat up with this, but here goes anyway. I still love her. I want to save my marriage and my family. Yes, I know she's checked out. I know she is sleeping with another man. I know she has spent a lot of iur savings to support this man. She stole money from our business to support this man. But keeping that all in mind, I still love her. Why? Even I know it's stupid! But we have so much history and our marriage was really quite good until this affair. So how do I get her out of my heart and head and let her go? I'm so confused. The fog has to lift and that won't come from anything you do, but what you do NOT do, which is make it easy for the A to continue. You are enabling her to eat cake - push her out of the nest now. You cannot threaten or manipulate her back to you, so let her go. "If you love something, set it free." I think your best bet for "winning" back her heart is still to let her go. Stay in 180 and file for divorce or legal separation - this exercise alone is often enough to jolt a wayward spouse back to their senses and if it isn't, at least you've got yourself legally covered. You're not hanging her out to dry, she's suffering logical and common consequences for making bad life choices, like embezzling and banging someone other than your husband. "If you give someone enough rope they will always hang themselves." You also need to ask her to leave your home - let her OM support her while she figures things out - chances are that once he has to start playing the boyfriend and not the lover, he will change his tune, too. Then of course, - if she comes home, you're left wondering, is she going to take responsibility for her choices or just come back because she has no place else to go? I speak from my own experience that taking the 180 to the extreme was likely the best thing I could have done to save my marriage. I let him go, and told him not to come back. I drew up a separation agreement and we went together to get it notarized - 3 days later he wanted to talk reconciliation. It might take you longer before her affair falls apart though, and if you plan to "wait" then you're setting yourself up for a world of heartache. I didn't want a divorce, but I was ready to give him one if that's what he really wanted. You need to get to that point, for your own sanity, because she's still blaming you for her affair. She has zero remorse and that's a big problem - you need to start preparing for divorce so you can set yourself free, too. Good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 Rule number 1, take yourself out of infidelity anyway you can. She is out of the marriage, your the only one wasting your time on your relationship, you can't save the marriage by yourself. Show her the same respect she is showing you, help her pack. She is giving money to the man that is taking her away from you, it is the two of them against you so stop the I love her bulls*it, you have to see and understand this. She is not on your side, she is against you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 You know how I left my cheating ExW? When I pictured another D in her mouth. Sorry to be so Blount, but your wife has no respect for you. You're no more than a puppy to her. Time to grow a pair and take her to the cleaners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 So here is my problem. I know I'm asking to get beat up with this, but here goes anyway. I still love her. I want to save my marriage and my family. Yes, I know she's checked out. I know she is sleeping with another man. I know she has spent a lot of iur savings to support this man. She stole money from our business to support this man. But keeping that all in mind, I still love her. Why? Even I know it's stupid! But we have so much history and our marriage was really quite good until this affair. So how do I get her out of my heart and head and let her go? I'm so confused. I'm not surprised that you still love your wife. It's hard to turn off feelings for someone you have been with for many years. Remember that your heart is irrational. There is no coming back from the double betrayal of infidelity and theft to support said infidelity. There is nothing to hold on to. Please file for divorce and kick your wife out. Tell her that you cannot live with a criminal. She can go live with her OM. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 She embezzled money from your business? Go to the cops today. Put her in jail, the divorce will be really easy then and you can move on with your life. What are you waiting for??? She will never love you at all, ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 I think you seriously need to take a step back. Your allowing your love for her to cloud your judgment on several fronts. The legal side of this is the one you really want to look out for. If someone else learns that she embezzled that money it is still a crime. If your in the US most state can and will prosecute with or without the victims being involved. The longer you protect her from that alone the more you look like a accessory. Talking to a lawyer should be the only thing you do when dealing with this part of it. I doubt seriously your going to save your marriage at this rate. If you really want her to take a serious look at what she has done then hand her over to the authorities and file for a divorce. See how long her Romeo sticks around and how quickly she realizes just what she has done. This is why they say you have to be willing to Throw away your marriage in order to save it. Its not a joke. Its not a figure of speech. Its a fact. You need to show her your ready 100% to move on without her and she can live with what ever consequences she afforded herself as a result. If she wants back in you let her work for it. You let her prove it. I doubt seriously this is going to end well for you in the direction you are going. C Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 So here is my problem. I know I'm asking to get beat up with this, but here goes anyway. I still love her. I want to save my marriage and my family. Yes, I know she's checked out. I know she is sleeping with another man. I know she has spent a lot of iur savings to support this man. She stole money from our business to support this man. But keeping that all in mind, I still love her. Why? Even I know it's stupid! But we have so much history and our marriage was really quite good until this affair. So how do I get her out of my heart and head and let her go? I'm so confused. But she doesn't love you! You can love her as much as you want but it will not make her love you back. She is in love with the OM. Look at all she will do for him and then look at all she has done to you for him. You cannot keep her there by holding this embezzlement over her head because she will hate and resent you more than she does now. Where is your self esteem? Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 NIcklee I'll answer your question about "I still love her" YOU DO NOT STILL LOVE HER. You love what she was and you had. Understand, it takes TWO people totally committed to reconciliation to have any chance to save a marriage. And in your case it is even harder because she has OPENLY flaunted this OM in your face and REFUSES to stop. So my friend, I have to tell you you need to accept that it does not matter what you want. You would think that what has occurred would encourage her to show some true sorrow and remorse. Instead she tried to lull you to sleep and deceived you again. N ow I am not trying to be harsh, but if you want to live you life and watch her go have sex with another man that is fine but no advice is going to change that. Her statements to you about you burning her do nothing but convince her that she is JUSTIFIED in banging another man. Now if you are smart you will use your leverage to get her out of your home. Having her in front of you is going to do nothing but increase your frustration and pain. And I hope you do not believe anything she tells you. Now tell her to go let OM take care of her. She fired you from that job and is not interested in a monogamous relationship with you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 OP, the woman you loved and had history with is gone. This woman now belongs to another man but is staying under your roof. Her heart is with him. If you start concentrating on this fact it might help you to move forward. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 So here is my problem. I know I'm asking to get beat up with this, but here goes anyway. I still love her. I want to save my marriage and my family. Yes, I know she's checked out. I know she is sleeping with another man. I know she has spent a lot of iur savings to support this man. She stole money from our business to support this man. But keeping that all in mind, I still love her. Why? Even I know it's stupid! But we have so much history and our marriage was really quite good until this affair. So how do I get her out of my heart and head and let her go? I'm so confused. Thus you can't complain about the situation you're in. You're a grown man. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 My prediction is she sticks around and plays nice until you payback the money she embezzled from your partner. The money she gave the other man to help build their new love nest, yup she is going to get you to repay the money so she doesn't go to prison. She won't even tell you she's leaving, you'll just notice all her cloths gone one evening. She's a liar, a thief and an adulteress, sounds like the perfect catch for the other man. Use the fear of prison to get the best custody agreement with regards to your children and best financial settlement for yourself. Everything you give up goes to other man, everything you keep goes to you and your children. It's the two of them against you, protect yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 Talk to your lawyer about using threat of criminal,prosecution to gain advantage in a civil case. In many places that in itself is a crime. And she won't be your cell mate. Now can your lawyer make a subtle hint to hers? I'd suspect so. If she has a lawyer, you can bet sh didn't volunteer this little detail to that lawyer. Many businesses have insurance against employee embezzlement. But to collect, someone (you partner?) will,probably have to make a police report. And them surname company will sue her. And win. And if you are still married, joint assets are targets for collection action. Leaving you doubly in the hole. Don't count on getting money from OM. Hemsounds like,a,deadbeat loser taking money from her Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nicklee1019 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 So after taking a beating from some of the replies to my post, I wanted to give you an update. She's still living in my house. We own it together. I filed for divorce based on infidelity and have a court date set in October. I didn't use her theft as leverage as some of you suggested, she may have forgotten who she is, but I haven't forgotten who I am. I wouldn't do that to my children, my in laws, or her. She messed up and she knows it. She paid some of it back. What she had at least. We worked a deal for her tiny the rest back when she gets a job. Yes, she is still seeing the OM. She's with him now as a matter of fact. I still love her, but I don't want to be married to her anymore. She can him and he can have her. We split custody of our children, so no child support or spousal support was requested. She will live here with me until she finds a job and can save to get out. I don't speak to her about anything but the divorce, the children, or debt. I avoid her like the plague. I take my kids to my mothers and hang out there each night until it's time for bed, then we come home and I do the good night ritual with them as she stays in her room. She begs me to talk to her, I ignore her. She has started claiming she still loves me, but won't stop seeing OM. I won't fall for her bs anymore. I told her flat out that either she cuts all ties with him and returns to the marriage and seeks help or I need her out the day after the papers are signed. I avoided child support and spousal support by taking all outstanding debt. This also gave me the family home. She agreed to all If it. So she will leave with no money, now car, and no home. I hope the OM doesn't kick her to the curb, because she can't come back here. Once the papers are signed I never want to speak to her again. Love is a weak emotion. And I won't let it kill me. I can love her and not like her very much at the same time. Hopefully time away from her will heal me up And j can find someone else. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Filing for divorce, doing the "180" will get you the dignity back that she trashed when she started to openly date other man. Exposure and cutting her off from your finances is the best way to bring her back to reality. She is now the other mans problem, let him deal with your leftovers. It would be hard to look at her the same way now that she made the O/M her priority over you and your children. Keep doing the 180, you deserve someone that loves you and respects you enough to be faithful to you. She can't change what she has done to you and your children, that is hers to live with for the rest of her life. She put you into infidelity but it's up to you to take yourself out. You are doing the right thing, let your lawyer deal with them. Every action she makes against you is with the approval and encouragement of her other man. She needs to know that co parenting doesn't include having to be her friend. Stay strong, you will get through this, you will be ok. Taking control of your situation is the first step. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 She'll never pay the balance owed. Kiss that money good bye. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Well done! You've done the right thing. Also never have sex with her even at your weakest don't expose yourself to the possibilities of STD's and disease. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 One additional question....if she's so into the OM, why is she not staying with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Why doesn't she just move in with the OM at this point? It would make more sense for her to stay with him and save money since they will end up together anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 One additional question....if she's so into the OM, why is she not staying with him? Exactly!!!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Why doesn't she just move in with the OM at this point? It would make more sense for her to stay with him and save money since they will end up together anyway. One additional question....if she's so into the OM, why is she not staying with him? OP why don't you just ask her to move in with her OM since she's over there most of the time anyway and the divorce papers have already been filed. It's no telling how long it will take her to find a job and then save up enough money to move. Let her do this at the other mans expense since he's the one she loves. She can still visit her kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nicklee1019 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 I'll tell you why she won't stay with him. He's in the middle of a custody dispute and he can't have anyone around his kids. Also, my wife still loves our children. Yes, she has been an absent mother this summer, but I know she loves them and would never live so far from them. I also think maybe the OM is happy with how things are right now. He gets to be a bachelor in another state most of the week and then gets a beautiful (I'm not just saying that, she's a knockout) woman who comes to him every week or so to bang him like crazy and give him money. What's not to love if you're a selfish A-hole? I want to say something here. I came to this site looking for feedback. I didn't come here for a bunch of bitter dicks to unleash their own misery on me. If you think I'm an idiot, find a way to say it without being harsh. No one listens to that kind of advice. If you want to be helpful and point me in the directions I need to go, great. But can't we all just be human? I'm Not afraid of tough love, but don't make me feel like a worthless bag of crap. I get enough of that from her. There, rant over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 To me it sounds like she is going to under roof indefinitely. She has to find a job, save up to buy a car, save up money to move... etc.. That is going to take a long long time. If possible you should amend the filing papers to include rent if she is there longer than a month. What about the kids and this shared custody? How is that going to work if she does eventually move three hours away? Or does she just plan on staying in your town? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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