Wife having affair while we are still living together

[road]

I'll tell you why she won't stay with him. He's in the middle of a custody dispute and he can't have anyone around his kids. Also, my wife still loves our children. Yes, she has been an absent mother this summer, but I know she loves them and would never live so far from them. I also think maybe the OM is happy with how things are right now. He gets to be a bachelor in another state most of the week and then gets a beautiful (I'm not just saying that, she's a knockout) woman who comes to him every week or so to bang him like crazy and give him money. What's not to love if you're a selfish A-hole?

 

I want to say something here. I came to this site looking for feedback. I didn't come here for a bunch of bitter dicks to unleash their own misery on me. If you think I'm an idiot, find a way to say it without being harsh. No one listens to that kind of advice. If you want to be helpful and point me in the directions I need to go, great. But can't we all just be human? I'm

Not afraid of tough love, but don't make me feel like a worthless bag of crap. I get enough of that from her. There, rant over.

 

You want help?

 

 

Do you want to fight the affair?

 

 

Do you want to divorce?

[aliveagain]

I'll tell you why she won't stay with him. He's in the middle of a custody dispute and he can't have anyone around his kids. Also, my wife still loves our children. Yes, she has been an absent mother this summer, but I know she loves them and would never live so far from them. I also think maybe the OM is happy with how things are right now. He gets to be a bachelor in another state most of the week and then gets a beautiful (I'm not just saying that, she's a knockout) woman who comes to him every week or so to bang him like crazy and give him money. What's not to love if you're a selfish A-hole?

 

I want to say something here. I came to this site looking for feedback. I didn't come here for a bunch of bitter dicks to unleash their own misery on me. If you think I'm an idiot, find a way to say it without being harsh. No one listens to that kind of advice. If you want to be helpful and point me in the directions I need to go, great. But can't we all just be human? I'm

Not afraid of tough love, but don't make me feel like a worthless bag of crap. I get enough of that from her. There, rant over.

 

Infidelity was the hardest thing I personally ever went through, we all know how much pain you are in and most here are living it with you in some way or another. I would venture to say that most reading your post are angry for you and your children, many of us made so many mistakes early on and want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes. I tend to be very direct, that's the way I am in business, feel free to put me in my place if you feel that I am out of line. Even though you are a stranger I care about you and your children. Tell the other man's wife about the affair, she needs to know the truth and it might help her in her custody battle.

 

Please read up on the "180" and make it your mantra in dealing with your wife. The 180 will help you distance yourself from her and her drama so you make the decisions that are best for you and your children. Talk to a lawyer, get the help you need from a independent counsellor with infidelity experience so you have all the experts helping you through this. 180, 180, 180.

[BluesPower]

I know it sucks so much, but you are doing the right thing. Stay strong and let her sink in her own quick sand.

 

And tell us please why she is not staying with the OM. Seems like that where she wants to be.

 

And please, please, when she fall flat on her face, DO NOT PICK HER UP. Let her lay there and pick herself up. Never, never, never let her into your life again after she leaves...

 

You are doing great.

[stillafool]

I'll tell you why she won't stay with him. He's in the middle of a custody dispute and he can't have anyone around his kids. Also, my wife still loves our children. Yes, she has been an absent mother this summer, but I know she loves them and would never live so far from them. I also think maybe the OM is happy with how things are right now. He gets to be a bachelor in another state most of the week and then gets a beautiful (I'm not just saying that, she's a knockout) woman who comes to him every week or so to bang him like crazy and give him money. What's not to love if you're a selfish A-hole?

 

I want to say something here. I came to this site looking for feedback. I didn't come here for a bunch of bitter dicks to unleash their own misery on me. If you think I'm an idiot, find a way to say it without being harsh. No one listens to that kind of advice. If you want to be helpful and point me in the directions I need to go, great. But can't we all just be human? I'm

Not afraid of tough love, but don't make me feel like a worthless bag of crap. I get enough of that from her. There, rant over.

 

I didn't know OM had full custody of his kids. Where do they go when your wife goes over there? No one disputes (I don't think) that your wife loves her children. It just seems that if she has no problem leaving them to go stay with OM for days leaving them, it would seem she could live with OM and still see her kids. As someone else said after the divorce there will still be a 3 hr drive involved for someone.

 

I don't know who here called you an idiot but that was completely disrespectful. A lot of people here have been down your road and don't want to see you being played by them. I know what you are going through can't be easy.

[kgcolonel]

OP,

 

I typically don't read all the responses but focus on your questions and what you are saying etc.....that said, I agree, no value in attacking you personally.

 

What is your desired end result? If it is getting the D finalized and her out of your life, then push that agenda. If it is R, then also begin the 180 with a vengence, work out, leaving the H to spend time alone with the kids is great but do more of that. Also, paint a picture for her with your actions of what it's going to look like going forward for her....let her know that you're not going to be okay with other men spending time with the kids etc...

 

We're here to support her and keep posting, ignoring those attacks....I get that this is hard and that likely you still say you love her but think about this....do you love her or do you love what you used to have with her before she stepped out on you and and family. She may interact well with the kids but.....a good mother doesn't put her libido before the family unit and doesn't leave the family to go bang the BF....that is what she is teaching the kids when she does these things....also a good mother models what a good wife looks like....is she doing that?

 

Just something to present to her....

[Cephalopod]

Nicklee you cannot nice her out of this affair. She is gone brother. Shut her down, do the 180 and file for divorce.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You are mostly in love with the woman and relationship that you perceived that you had previously. You still have a long row to hoe, but looks like you are headed in the right direction. The main focus is getting her to sign the agreement and out of the house. While you are waiting for that to happen I suggest a couple of things.

 

a. Spend lots of fun time with the kids as you can, they need the attention right now. Family fun nights can be a good thing, ie Taco Tuesdays with games afterwards. It is less about what you do and more about doing it together.

b. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Both you and the children may be helped through counselling.

c. Take inventory of your relationship and look at those things that you could have done better at, if given a second chance. Look to apply these lessons learned to the next relationship.

[Nicklee1019]

Well, here is an update. I have been doing what most would probably say is

The wrong thing to do. I have just continued to be her husband. I still take care of her. I give her a small allowance. I rub her back and shoulders when she asks. Most of all, I made myself available to talk. We had a marriage where we never talks to each other about each other. I told her I wasn't bringing anything up,

But if she needed to talk, I would be willing. This led

To several long talks where we both got a lot off our

Chest. We made a lot of forward progress in our "relationship". What upsets me is that she keeps saying she loves us both. She loves me and she loves the OM. But I have kept myself physically distant and have told her as long as the affair continues, I won't stop the divorce proceedings. I told her I loved her but I won't be her back up plan. So after what was a pretty nice week, with lots of affection and I love yous exchanges, she came downstairs today with a suitcase and left to be with him for 5 days. I just don't know what to do. I can't kick her out, we ken the home together. I had her served and filed for divorce but in my state I'm looking at 6 months. I just don't know what to do. She says she hates hurting me, but her she goes off to see him again.

[stillafool]

Do you have a question Nicklee?

[Marc878]

Well, here is an update. I have been doing what most would probably say is

The wrong thing to do. I have just continued to be her husband. I still take care of her. I give her a small allowance. I rub her back and shoulders when she asks. Most of all, I made myself available to talk. We had a marriage where we never talks to each other about each other. I told her I wasn't bringing anything up,

But if she needed to talk, I would be willing. This led

To several long talks where we both got a lot off our

Chest. We made a lot of forward progress in our "relationship". What upsets me is that she keeps saying she loves us both. She loves me and she loves the OM. But I have kept myself physically distant and have told her as long as the affair continues, I won't stop the divorce proceedings. I told her I loved her but I won't be her back up plan. So after what was a pretty nice week, with lots of affection and I love yous exchanges, she came downstairs today with a suitcase and left to be with him for 5 days. I just don't know what to do. I can't kick her out, we ken the home together. I had her served and filed for divorce but in my state I'm looking at 6 months. I just don't know what to do. She says she hates hurting me, but her she goes off to see him again.

 

Your actions say "I'm ok with what you're doing to me".

 

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download.

 

Cut her off financially and do a hard no contact. Respect yourself, no wonder she has none for you.

[Marc878]

No one should take this. I'd do full exposure on him/her friends, family, etc.

[Marc878]

180 - no contact. Doing the pick me dance and trying to nice her back hasn't gotten you much has it.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[just got it 55]

Well, here is an update. I have been doing what most would probably say is

The wrong thing to do. I have just continued to be her husband. I still take care of her. I give her a small allowance. I rub her back and shoulders when she asks. Most of all, I made myself available to talk. We had a marriage where we never talks to each other about each other. I told her I wasn't bringing anything up,

But if she needed to talk, I would be willing. This led

To several long talks where we both got a lot off our

Chest. We made a lot of forward progress in our "relationship". What upsets me is that she keeps saying she loves us both. She loves me and she loves the OM. But I have kept myself physically distant and have told her as long as the affair continues, I won't stop the divorce proceedings. I told her I loved her but I won't be her back up plan. So after what was a pretty nice week, with lots of affection and I love yous exchanges, she came downstairs today with a suitcase and left to be with him for 5 days. I just don't know what to do. I can't kick her out, we ken the home together. I had her served and filed for divorce but in my state I'm looking at 6 months. I just don't know what to do. She says she hates hurting me, but her she goes off to see him again.

 

Lord have mercy

 

55

[Bufo]

Somebody posted some words of wisdom that seem appropriate here.

 

Loving me didn't stop you from having an affair. Loving you won't stop me from divorcing you.

 

I don't take credit for these words but I forgot where I read them. I apologize for not being able to credit the author.

[Cephalopod]

Nicklee nothing is going to change until you change it.

[aliveagain]

How about, "don't bother coming back", stay with your boyfriend because I am moving on without you. She hates hurting you but guess who is having unprotected sex with another man? You don't have to be nice anymore, the hicky's on her neck and bruising on her thighs should tell you all you need to know. Cancel all the credit cards that you are on jointly, don't finance her affair, her boyfriend that is getting your sex can pay for her. Let your lawyer deal with her, 180, 180, 180. The longer you let this sham continue the more you will hate yourself and the longer your recovery will take. What are you trying to prove, your the only one in this marriage, cut the cord and save yourself.

[Friskyone4u]

Well, here is an update. I have been doing what most would probably say is

The wrong thing to do. I have just continued to be her husband. I still take care of her. I give her a small allowance. I rub her back and shoulders when she asks. Most of all, I made myself available to talk. We had a marriage where we never talks to each other about each other. I told her I wasn't bringing anything up,

But if she needed to talk, I would be willing. This led

To several long talks where we both got a lot off our

Chest. We made a lot of forward progress in our "relationship". What upsets me is that she keeps saying she loves us both. She loves me and she loves the OM. But I have kept myself physically distant and have told her as long as the affair continues, I won't stop the divorce proceedings. I told her I loved her but I won't be her back up plan. So after what was a pretty nice week, with lots of affection and I love yous exchanges, she came downstairs today with a suitcase and left to be with him for 5 days. I just don't know what to do. I can't kick her out, we ken the home together. I had her served and filed for divorce but in my state I'm looking at 6 months. I just don't know what to do. She says she hates hurting me, but her she goes off to see him again.

 

 

Nickle,

 

This is not an update. it is exactly where you were when you first posted EXCEPT that you have filed for divorce ( good move).

 

The problem is that because you are playing the pick me game while she is at home, she does not believe that she cannot manipulate you into not going through with the divorce. So she loves you both, only he gets a sex fest for five days and you get to help pay the bills and some conversation off your chest. read that again and see how that would sound if you had a friend or brother doing what you are????

 

You do not know what to do because you refuse to get out of denial . She DOES NOT love you enough to stop banging another man, so if you want to share your wife for months or years, just greet her with open arms when she comes home and ask her if she had a good time.

 

You are in an open polyamorous marriage without the sex for you. Many would refer to that as cuckold, and it wil only stop when you stop coddling her.

 

SHE IS NOT SCARED of any consequences, OR she does not give a damm if the divorce goes through because she wants to leave you. Women in affairs very often discover magically that they "love" their Om and husband.

 

You are in a game you cannot. They are right now spending their time doing the horizontal mambo with no worries and your guts are spilling out. no advice can solve this for you unless you want to solve it YOURSELF, which to this point you do not.

 

You will share your wife until you wake up and play hardball, and stop interacting with her at all. he six months will go much faster if you do not hold out this false hope that she will stop cake eating on her own. You are Plab B and are accepting it.

 

i hope you can get yourself out of this fog. You are the one in it. She knows exactly what she is doing. She is humiliating you and disrespecting you in the worst way, not even hiding what she is doing.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Marc

 

You should share the post you gave Jeff.

 

OP leaving to be with OM is the single most hateful thing she could do. How could she do that to a person who she "loves" or "likes". No one should ask a person to endure what you are experiencing.

 

Please email her and suggest she stay at OM until a separation agreement is reached. Have you exposed far and wide? You need him out of your divorce, let alone your marriage. Have you talk with his wife. What did you tell your children. Do not lie to them!!! You don't want to be graphic, just truthful.

[BluesPower]

How are you doing? Anything new? Are you still in the same mind set?

 

Just wondering about how you are doing?

[Nicklee1019]

It's been a very strange experience, this affair, and the ending of a life. We have had more in depth talks in the past month than in the last two years. I see where I made mistakes in our marriage and so does she. She is asking that I let her explore her relationship with the OM. That we don't know what the future holds. That she isn't sure what she wants. I know you are all thinking she just wants to eat cake. I agree with you to a certain extent. But we are still best friends and yes, I still love her. I'm 90% sure the marriage is over, but I still am having a hard time ending it. She leaves tomorrow for a 5 day camping trip with his children and Father. She will be camping and I'll be home taking care of our children and working two jobs since she is now unemployed.

 

Will she respect me more if I ask her to leave? If I stop supporting her?

 

This sucks.

[BluesPower]

Nick, dude, please stop asking that question.

 

You know the answer, to that question. You are being a cuckold chump.

 

She does not love you, who knows is she ever did. You were a sperm donor, if the kids were even yours, and let's hope that they are.

 

Your wife is in love with the other man, she pets you on that head and says thanks for taking care of all my other needs except sex and love. She loves being able to have the comfortable life that you give her, while she is having sex with her boy friend.

 

She never will respect you and she never will love you, you know that.

 

Please, please, please have some self-respect and divorce her. After that, you can hopefully grow a pair of balls and find a woman that would actually love you, respect you, and want to have sex with you.

 

I know that you hurt, please listen to what everyone has told your, we actually care for you more than the wife that is hurting you so much.

 

Divorce her ASAP and please start a new life.

[road]

It's been a very strange experience, this affair, and the ending of a life. We have had more in depth talks in the past month than in the last two years. I see where I made mistakes in our marriage and so does she. She is asking that I let her explore her relationship with the OM. That we don't know what the future holds. That she isn't sure what she wants. I know you are all thinking she just wants to eat cake. I agree with you to a certain extent. But we are still best friends and yes, I still love her. I'm 90% sure the marriage is over, but I still am having a hard time ending it. She leaves tomorrow for a 5 day camping trip with his children and Father. She will be camping and I'll be home taking care of our children and working two jobs since she is now unemployed.

 

Will she respect me more if I ask her to leave? If I stop supporting her?

 

This sucks.

 

Unbelievable! Do you realize what your WW and OM are going to be doing everyday of this trip? Do I have to spell it out?

 

 

Time to man up and tell WW she ends this affair and goes NC with the OM as of now or pack up and leave the house and let OM take care of her.

For WW leaving is her statement that she has ended the marriage.

 

 

WW goes on the camping trip you pack up all her things in trash bags and leave them at the OM's front door. Take all money in banks and place it in an account only with your name on it. Then call a lawyer and file for divorce, custody and wife pay CS.

[BluesPower]

Road...

 

He does not care. Everyone has told him. I guess that he thinks in some way he deserve this?

 

You and I may not get it and I feel so sorry for him, but you cannot help those that will not help themselves.

 

This is one of the sadder ones I have read...

[Clay]

As long as he is willing to put her feeling before his and he is willing to put up with this kind of treatment then it is what he deserves. He is making a choice just like anyone else that comes here does. You can tell him until your blue in the face that its wrong but its what he wants.

 

He will learn the hard way he was played for a complete fool once she leaves him and moves in with the other guy.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would your wife be so accepting and forgiving as you?

Would your wife say she understands that you need to explore your relationship with your lover while she stays home and takes care of the kids?

 

Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?