I caught her cheating and she's mad and breaking up with me

[ThatGuyInVegas]

Me and her been knowing each other for 13yrs. We met in 2003 and became great friends. We started dating back in 2007, split in 2010 and got back together in 2013. We've always had a few ups and downs here and there like anyone would. We've never been the arguing type of the keep drama stirred up type which is what I appreciated greatly. She works in the medical field and I've been in the transportation industry but more deeply involved in the entrepreneurial journey of life, which has its own stresses and headaches.

 

The last few months things have felt more disconnected than usual, and I made a lot more effort in trying to fix things and see what was really wrong. Her response was I'm just treating you like you treated me. I said ok whatever that means but ok. I never gave her suspicion of me cheating or even conversations with another woman, in fact I'm from the east coast originally and moved here to the west coast specifically to make this relationship work. So I've made a lot of sacrifices to make this relationship be a real relationship. She never wanted to move because of her job, family and son in school out here so I said ok, I'll make it happen for whatever it takes.

 

Now the last two weeks she was in Ohio visiting family and a sick grandmother. We didn't talk much while she was gone which is understandable to me considering I know how it is when you're surrounded by family when you're visiting and away. So her and her son returns on Tuesday, I pick them up and everything's fine, I meet her in baggage and we give each other a kiss come home and talking about family and the trip.

 

We leave and go pick up our dog from her sisters house and for some reason, this time something tells me to look in her phone while she goes inside and I see a text message where she says hey, and they responded back saying hey sexy. Then she goes on to tell them about someone trying to break into her car after I told her this and the peers on responds saying "I wish you were here with me right now"...

 

She comes back to the car and I ask who is this?... She first responds saying its a random number someone text me from... I said what, how is it a random number when you said "hey" first and they replied hey sexy... Then she starts with the give me my phone give me my phone. I then said ok since it's a random number I'm going to call it and I dialed it and she really started flipping. I've never seen her get this erratic before in 13yrs.. She's all over top of me in the car yelling give me my phone.. So I threw the phone and left her at her sisters house after she went back inside.

 

I return home and grab some things, I ask her again why are cheating and entertaining conversations with someone else, and I get the "whatever you wanna think" response. I left that day and night, returned home yesterday morning and she's changed the locks. I called the police to get her to open the door since I live here and she's looking at me like I've done something completely wrong. I asked her, how are you mad at me for what I've seen. and it's the whatever you wanna think reply. So now we are here with 13yrs gone down the drain...

 

My question is, maybe others can help me understand? How can she get so angry at me for seeing what I seen?

Then she made a comment, well I'm afraid of being around you now??... I said what?? Out of all the 13yrs I've never threatened you, called you disrespecting names OR never looked in your phone until now.. She's been in my phone, been in my laptop computer and I didn't trip or flip because I had nothing to hide.

This is very new to me, I'm not used to this kind of delusion unless I'm missing a bigger picture here..

[Redhead14]

Me and her been knowing each other for 13yrs. We met in 2003 and became great friends. We started dating back in 2007, split in 2010 and got back together in 2013. We've always had a few ups and downs here and there like anyone would. We've never been the arguing type of the keep drama stirred up type which is what I appreciated greatly. She works in the medical field and I've been in the transportation industry but more deeply involved in the entrepreneurial journey of life, which has its own stresses and headaches.

 

The last few months things have felt more disconnected than usual, and I made a lot more effort in trying to fix things and see what was really wrong. Her response was I'm just treating you like you treated me. I said ok whatever that means but ok. I never gave her suspicion of me cheating or even conversations with another woman, in fact I'm from the east coast originally and moved here to the west coast specifically to make this relationship work. So I've made a lot of sacrifices to make this relationship be a real relationship. She never wanted to move because of her job, family and son in school out here so I said ok, I'll make it happen for whatever it takes.

 

Now the last two weeks she was in Ohio visiting family and a sick grandmother. We didn't talk much while she was gone which is understandable to me considering I know how it is when you're surrounded by family when you're visiting and away. So her and her son returns on Tuesday, I pick them up and everything's fine, I meet her in baggage and we give each other a kiss come home and talking about family and the trip.

 

We leave and go pick up our dog from her sisters house and for some reason, this time something tells me to look in her phone while she goes inside and I see a text message where she says hey, and they responded back saying hey sexy. Then she goes on to tell them about someone trying to break into her car after I told her this and the peers on responds saying "I wish you were here with me right now"...

 

She comes back to the car and I ask who is this?... She first responds saying its a random number someone text me from... I said what, how is it a random number when you said "hey" first and they replied hey sexy... Then she starts with the give me my phone give me my phone. I then said ok since it's a random number I'm going to call it and I dialed it and she really started flipping. I've never seen her get this erratic before in 13yrs.. She's all over top of me in the car yelling give me my phone.. So I threw the phone and left her at her sisters house after she went back inside.

 

I return home and grab some things, I ask her again why are cheating and entertaining conversations with someone else, and I get the "whatever you wanna think" response. I left that day and night, returned home yesterday morning and she's changed the locks. I called the police to get her to open the door since I live here and she's looking at me like I've done something completely wrong. I asked her, how are you mad at me for what I've seen. and it's the whatever you wanna think reply. So now we are here with 13yrs gone down the drain...

 

My question is, maybe others can help me understand? How can she get so angry at me for seeing what I seen?

Then she made a comment, well I'm afraid of being around you now??... I said what?? Out of all the 13yrs I've never threatened you, called you disrespecting names OR never looked in your phone until now.. She's been in my phone, been in my laptop computer and I didn't trip or flip because I had nothing to hide.

This is very new to me, I'm not used to this kind of delusion unless I'm missing a bigger picture here..

 

She's angry about getting caught . . . she wanted to have her cake and eat it too and now she can't . . . She's flipping the blame to you so that she can manage her guilt and anger. It's easier to be mad at you than to accept her role in all this.

 

The last few months things have felt more disconnected than usual -- She's been cheating for sometime, it appears, and was content with having you "on the side" and having all the comforts of home, etc.

 

If you have all your stuff, go no contact, immediately.

[Lobe]

Look up "gaslighting" - her words "think whatever you want to think" and shifting the blame back to you are standard deflections for someone who doesn't want to admit to being caught.

 

My question for you now is, what outcome are you hoping for? If she has in fact cheated, will you take her back if she wants to reconcile? What if it wasn't just an emotional but physical affair as well? If she doesn't want you right now but finds out that her inappropriate friendship isn't going to pan out and she comes crawling back, will you open the door?

 

And can I ask after 6 or so years of dating (in 3 year stints) why are you not married?

 

You probably have more questions than answers now. If you have more questions, ask away - lots of wisdom here

[ThatGuyInVegas]

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it...

To answer your question on what I'm looking for? I think maybe just being real about the situation and saying what she did versus denying everything like me it never existed. Funny thing is we,he had numerous conversations over the years about people cheating and talking to other people, so she knows how we both feel about it or at least said how we felt about it. We both are divorced from previous marriages, and got cheated on in our previous marriages. We never gotten married and would speak of it on occasions, I think because he both were just comfortable where we were at and both we're trying to get our lives in order financially, both raising kids as single parents as I have custody of my daughter and she was raising her son. It's funny because it's like no medium between us, either we,re all the way good and things are perfect or things hit the fan and is all the way bad.

 

I'm not even thinking about if I want her back or not, I think for me at this point is like how in 13yrs we ended up like this when we've shared so much together. I wasn't even angry about it after finding out, and I told her I wasn't even angry, and that all this did was prove my intuition right. I would tell her before, wow thing tells me there is someone else and I'd get the "why does there always have to be someone else"'.... But to answer your question, no I'm not interested in us being back together now. Especially after she can't even admit to her doing something wrong. The bad part about for me is how it disrupts everything, the house and living situations, my kid starting college and was living at home, and other things. I hate the being told , "we're always gonna be best friends" and "you're my soulmate" nonsense and it ends up like this. Moving on is apart of life, I get it... But it damn sure can be difficult at times...

[Lobe]

The bad part about for me is how it disrupts everything, the house and living situations, my kid starting college and was living at home, and other things. I hate the being told , "we're always gonna be best friends" and "you're my soulmate" nonsense and it ends up like this. Moving on is apart of life, I get it... But it damn sure can be difficult at times...

 

That is tough. And the real slap in the face is you may never get an honest answer about what did or did not happen. I think moving on is the right choice - all good or all bad sounds like a difficult philosophy in a partnership. Hopefully you and your kid can make a fresh start and not have the first months of college be in turmoil.

 

Take care of you, friend.

[Space Ritual]

I think for me at this point is like how in 13yrs we ended up like this when we've shared so much together.

 

That was part of the problem as far as she was concerned...13 years with no real advancement in the relationship. Of course rather than spell it out to you she would rather cheat on you so as not to upset the apple cart.

 

Look, you can sit there and wonder all you want. but after 13 years together she just wanted to test drive anther model to see if the upgrade in Ohio was worth it. You were a convenience at this point i n time, nothing more. Had you never snooped through the phone she would have been happy to keep it all a secret. But she got sloppy. She is really mad a herself for screwing up, not for any hurt she is putting you though.

 

Your best course of action would be to have zero contact, until your have a cop escort you to your place to get your stuff and make sure you separate your finances.

 

Then move on without as much as a word to her. Seeking closure is often an exercise in futility. I figure this will be one of those times for you. You will never get any real answers out of her, so don't waste any more time on her.

 

Good Luck.

[kgcolonel]

OP, I think you have a great attitude here....I can definitely see how after seeing many of my friends go through the pain of D, how one would be reluctant to enter into another M.

 

Just curious, any conversation with her family about this or any follow up on her part? Sounds as if she is just saying "Oh Well"

 

I give you a lot of credit for not doing the begging and pleading thing which it appears you're not. Good for you....I get that once she's taken that attitude it becomes scorched earth...at least it would for me.

 

My guess is that she is blame shifting, thought she was smart enough to not get caught, got caught and now has no rational response other than, "think what you will". Says a lot of her character.

 

Good Luck.

[Gr8fuln2020]

It sounds like your relationship of 13-years was in itself bi-polar. Do you think you had(have) a co-dependent relationship? Not really in love, but felt you needed each other until you both got her stuff together and afraid to go at it alone?

 

It still sounds like she has some progress to make, but I agree with some others, after 13 years (!!!), no real movement, I would have been serious second guessing. In fact, I would not have waited for the 3-year mark to let it be known that I was not happy if no concrete plans for meaningful progress were made.

[Clay]

I think you handled it like a pro. I would get your things and just go no contact with her.

 

 

I know it sucks but you deserve better.

 

C

[ThatGuyInVegas]

It sounds like your relationship of 13-years was in itself bi-polar. Do you think you had(have) a co-dependent relationship? Not really in love, but felt you needed each other until you both got her stuff together and afraid to go at it alone?

 

It still sounds like she has some progress to make, but I agree with some others, after 13 years (!!!), no real movement, I would have been serious second guessing. In fact, I would not have waited for the 3-year mark to let it be known that I was not happy if no concrete plans for meaningful progress were made.

 

Yes it's very understandable, the 13yrs is when we first met. We met back in 2003 at a time I was losing my grandmother and she was there which meant a lot to me. We both were also going through divorces at the time. I was living on the east coast and she was living on the west coast. We talked all the time and even visited each other. However at that time neither one of us were ready for a relationship by just getting out of a divorce.

 

Fast forward to 2007, we both had dated other people and we never gave dating a try because of the distance. So at the end of 2007, I decided to take the risk and move to the west coast and start a relationship with her. Everything was great and in 2010, communication became an issue where we both held things in, I got deeper into entrepreneurship and we drifted apart both being unhappy. I left and moved back to the east coast and we stayed in contact here and there, and there was never any craziness or extreme issues on either of our parts. Fast forward to 2013, she reached out to me via email asking me how o was doing and saying hello, and I didn't respond for a few weeks. She sent an email saying pleas stop ignoring me, I know you are getting my emails and even went as far and reaching out to me via other social media platforms. Eventually I replied and we started talking through Google Plus messenger. She had been dating someone and claims she wasn't happy, and me being me I'm telling her to fix it and make it work which wasn't what she wanted to hear. Then one day the guy sends me a message saying why can't I leave her alone and I'm saying to myself dude, she doesn't even have my number and is the one reaching out to me. Now I'm sure these were red flags and not sure why I'd think i was special or something, but again she always held a special place inside of me. So eventually a few weeks later her and him break up and a few months later I'm visiting California and she comes to visit and things just rekindled themselves. So we got back together in 2013..

 

As far as I marriage, it's something I would mention and I would also mention things like " what are our goals as a couple" and " where do you see yourself in 5yrs and 10yrs"... Her response is usually "I just want to be happy".. You see, her mindset is by her working in the medical field and seeing death daily, she believes in living in the moment and not really worrying about next month or next year or the next few years because that isn't promised. Me on the other hand, I'm constantly talking about retirement, kids needing us while their in college, starting business and getting into ownership so we can leave something behind for the next generation, which wasn't too important to her. She'd say she had no interest in business and i eventually stopped trying to push the issue on her. I have a solid understanding of sacrifice where she'd say things like, if I leave it up to you we,d never do anything. And I'd explain no that's not the issues, but how about we tackle the debt and lay low for while until we're debt free and then we can do whatever we want. And shed resort back to tomorrow isn't promised..

 

The marriage issue, it's kind of interesting because even her sisters have been dating guys for like 15/ and 17yrs and still haven't gotten married. So I'm not sure if it's something she focuses on or not. When I ask her, it's like she doesn't have much to contribute to the conversation. I fact I had told her I want to have a wife and want us to be a family, but that's as far as it went. I'm sure I could've bought a ring, yet in my mind I was thinking let's tackle our debt situation and create a plan or something, set some goals we both can hold each other accountable for. She'd say I didn't want to go anywhere when in reality I want to travel ask do all types of things, I'm just not feeling going somewhere with $200 or $300 to my name where she is fine with that. I'm sure there are all types of red flags now looking at things in hindsight, and I know I can be naive when it comes to things like this because I'm not one to go assuming or snooping around. I feel like if we're together then I trust you completely. I'm going to take your word for things. And maybe I felt like I could save her in several ways and reach that point of giving her a big wedding and allowing her to see a different kind of lifestyle that I always visioned and told her about.

[Try]

The last few months things have felt more disconnected than usual

I ask her again why are cheating and entertaining conversations with someone else, and I get the "whatever you wanna think" response. I left that day and night, returned home yesterday morning and she's changed the locks.

My question is, maybe others can help me understand? How can she get so angry at me for seeing what I seen?

Put these quotes together and you get that she has been cheating on you for the last few months, when she was caught she was faced with having to give her lover up if she wanted to stay with you, she did not want to give her lover up, so she gets angry at you for forcing her hand, and picked her lover over you. End of story. I am sorry that you are here, but you need to move on.

[gorf]

I agree, she's mad she got cought and putting her blame on you so she can go on feeling like what she did wasn't that big a deal or nothing at all. Run for it, not even worth one more word to her!

[BluesPower]

Time to move on. I'm sorry for this situation. It sucks.

 

 

 

 

With out a doubt she has been cheating for a while now. Just care of your kid and move on. Sounds like you are doing that and that it the best thing.

 

 

Time to start over and move on with life.

[Sparta]

OP Don't Ever Forget ..Ever how she decided to treat you after 13 years of being together that's her respect toward you absolutely none matter fact I don't need that you disrespected you. She choose the betrayed by F**king an another guy you. The worst part is your son look what she did to him I guess he's out of the house to right.

 

Don't even give her the satisfaction of even look at her in the eye and talking to her tell her she's lost that privilege you don't talk trash. or even recognize such a vile person. Then go NC (no contact) and stick to it Google the 180 printed out and apply to you. It's going to be hard at times where you want to talk to her or you want to know what she's doing. You sound like you got it together and you'll be somewhat easier for you to walk away. If you can good for you but don't ever give her the satisfaction she hurt you. best way to get back at her Ignore Calls, texts, emails any communication whatsoever. Of course this is after you retrieve your son and your own property from The house you both share. Best revengeyou not to talk to her whatsoever, your exgirlfriend obtaining Information that your Life has become substantially better as a direct result of her not being in your life anymore is going to kill her.

[fenix]

It sounds like your relationship of 13-years was in itself bi-polar. Do you think you had(have) a co-dependent relationship? Not really in love, but felt you needed each other until you both got her stuff together and afraid to go at it alone?

 

It still sounds like she has some progress to make, but I agree with some others, after 13 years (!!!), no real movement, I would have been serious second guessing. In fact, I would not have waited for the 3-year mark to let it be known that I was not happy if no concrete plans for meaningful progress were made.

 

Wow... this ^ ^ is so condescending... do you realize that for some people the goal of a relationship doesn't need to be to get married? My girlfriend and I are happily living together for 26 years and we have never felt the need to get married...

 

OP she cheated, doesn't matter how she reacts, just move on with your life, she is damaged goods!