First post- in a mess!

[Jemima123]

Hi

My story is long and complicated but years ago I had a 2 year affair- I was married as was he - I was completely in love with him. Eventually, MM confessed. My husband stayed with me and he stayed with his wife. I was unhappily married. He said he stayed for the children but I am not sure - I suspect he loves his wife and chose her.

 

After years we are now back in contact and over time are again having an affair. We plan to end this now. Neither of us want to hurt people or be doing this awful thing. He says he has deep feeling for me but I can't help thinking he still loves his wife and wants her. In the years in between he admits they reconciled and had a reasonable sex life and marriage. He says they are currently not having sex but admits he wants that to change long term - he says that doesn't change how he feels about me - but that if he has decided to stay in his marriage he needs to make it as fulfilling as he can regardless of how he feels. I don't get that- if he truly has deep feelings for me surely he wouldn't be wanting a sex life with his wife? I know - it's his wife- so it's right not wrong but I still hate it.

 

I want to stop the affair. But I can't cope with idea of him going back to a full relationship with his wife. And for complicated reasons we can't go completely NC but I know I need to as much as possible!

 

Not sure what am looking for- insight into the sex issue, help going no contact, help with my pain, - please don't judge me tho- I know it's awful! I know!!

[Chica80]

How long were you in NC. Before you started up again?

Did any of you go to MC?

 

He wants a sex life with his wife because he loves her. He chose to stay with her and so wants to make it work. It doesn't mean his feelings aren't real. But she is who he chose. Just as you chose your husband.

 

If your going to stay then you should work to make your marriage work. He's doing the same.

[Southern Sun]

Hi

My story is long and complicated but years ago I had a 2 year affair- I was married as was he - I was completely in love with him. Eventually, MM confessed. My husband stayed with me and he stayed with his wife. I was unhappily married. He said he stayed for the children but I am not sure - I suspect he loves his wife and chose her.

 

After years we are now back in contact and over time are again having an affair. We plan to end this now. Neither of us want to hurt people or be doing this awful thing. He says he has deep feeling for me but I can't help thinking he still loves his wife and wants her. In the years in between he admits they reconciled and had a reasonable sex life and marriage. He says they are currently not having sex but admits he wants that to change long term - he says that doesn't change how he feels about me - but that if he has decided to stay in his marriage he needs to make it as fulfilling as he can regardless of how he feels. I don't get that- if he truly has deep feelings for me surely he wouldn't be wanting a sex life with his wife? I know - it's his wife- so it's right not wrong but I still hate it.

 

I want to stop the affair. But I can't cope with idea of him going back to a full relationship with his wife. And for complicated reasons we can't go completely NC but I know I need to as much as possible!

 

Not sure what am looking for- insight into the sex issue, help going no contact, help with my pain, - please don't judge me tho- I know it's awful! I know!!

 

If he confessed does that also mean that your BH knows about your affair from the first time?

 

I hate that you have resumed contact and the affair. You have just gotten yourself right back into the same old mess. I mean - you've created something that has to end, and it will end with pain, no matter what. I still can't figure out why we do this to ourselves (speaking from experience, so I'm not throwing stones).

 

Your MM does not love you. Once you have an affair with someone, it's just easy to fall back in with them. You are a known quantity, and as soon as he decided he wanted something on the side again, you were the least work for him. Sure, he might have something residual there - you probably trigger certain feelings of lust, illicit memories, the sneaking around, the adrenaline rush, whatever. He would have to put in a lot more effort with a new woman and they are risky - who knows what kind of crazy that could invite into his life?? So it's easy with you. And you make it easy by going right back when he called (or however it happened).

 

It's not worth it. He even told you he wants to invest in his M. He's warning you up front that he doesn't want anything deep. It's just going to hurt all over again.

 

And your poor BH. Again I ask...did he know about the first go-round? Because if he did and he finds out you are betraying him again, with full knowledge of the horrific pain you caused him, you may be choosing your divorce.

 

Please...end this yourself and quick so you can at least claim THAT.

[Lobe]

You're the fallback booty call. He does love his wife but every time he gets bored he will call you up because you're already groomed. Things have cooled to the point where his wife probably doesn't suspect it has started up again so the timing is brilliant for him.

 

Do yourself a favour and stop the insanity. Send this douche canoe back to his wife or on to a new affair partner before you get dragged through the mud again. If your marriage is unhappy, you need to get a divorce then find a nice SINGLE man to date.

[DKT3]

So you had an affair, his wife finds out as a result their sexlife picks up which leads to improvements in his marriage. They stop having sex again and boom your right back in with him.....so what's confusing? This is about sex for him, period.

[Friskyone4u]

You stated "it's complicated but you can't go NC" or something to that effect.

I suggest you uncomplicated it, confess to your husband that you are at it again and if he again chooses to stay, maybe this time he will keep you under more clear expectations and transparency to help you stop this for good. You ain't going to do it on your own

 

If you marriage is so unhappy , end it . The. You can be a booty call with a much clearer conscience and not be betraying anyone

[MJJean]

I don't get that- if he truly has deep feelings for me surely he wouldn't be wanting a sex life with his wife? I know - it's his wife- so it's right not wrong but I still hate it.

 

This is not confusing at all. As the old song goes, what's love got to do with it? Many men and women separate sex from emotional attachment.

[13Hearts]

Jemima, he's bull$hitting you and you're falling for it. Take off the rose-colored glasses. He's not who you think he is. He's a married guy, cheating on his wife, and you're his piece of strange. You need to get your feelings out of this.

[ShatteredLady]

I think that most people agree that discovering your life partners adultery is one of the most painful, destructive things that can happen in a marriage.

 

I'm on LS because my H started an EA with his ex mistress of 12 years. Can you imagine the questions that haunt me? Our children are both under 10 years old. I would like to die. My whole life is a lie....or is it? I'm so screwed-up.

 

What has your H done to make you resent him so much? You must of seen what it did to him the first time.

 

Sorry, I feel such empathy for his poor wife.

 

Don't do this! Please! Why would you be complicit in causing such pointless agony for ALL of you? Do you truly believe that the MM is "the love of your life"?

[Cloudcuckoo]

Hi

My story is long and complicated but years ago I had a 2 year affair- I was married as was he - I was completely in love with him. Eventually, MM confessed. My husband stayed with me and he stayed with his wife. I was unhappily married. He said he stayed for the children but I am not sure - I suspect he loves his wife and chose her.

 

After years we are now back in contact and over time are again having an affair. We plan to end this now. Neither of us want to hurt people or be doing this awful thing. He says he has deep feeling for me but I can't help thinking he still loves his wife and wants her. In the years in between he admits they reconciled and had a reasonable sex life and marriage. He says they are currently not having sex but admits he wants that to change long term - he says that doesn't change how he feels about me - but that if he has decided to stay in his marriage he needs to make it as fulfilling as he can regardless of how he feels. I don't get that- if he truly has deep feelings for me surely he wouldn't be wanting a sex life with his wife? I know - it's his wife- so it's right not wrong but I still hate it.

 

I want to stop the affair. But I can't cope with idea of him going back to a full relationship with his wife. And for complicated reasons we can't go completely NC but I know I need to as much as possible!

 

Not sure what am looking for- insight into the sex issue, help going no contact, help with my pain, - please don't judge me tho- I know it's awful! I know!!

 

If you really want to stop this lunacy, you will do exactly that.

 

This married man is feeding you the same horse manure as any other married man who wants a bit on the side because he's not getting his legover at home.

 

I get so cross that BOTH women get lied to by this selfish, disrespectful and unappreciative w⚓️er just because he can't be bothered to discuss intimacy issues with his wife.

 

Read here some more and you will see how it works. All that he tells you comes straight out of the (sadly, very over used and tatty) horse manure book that seems to be a cheaters bible.

 

Of course he loves and wants his wife! That's where he is isn't it? The problem is even though he loves her, it's an incredibly selfish love.

 

Don't delude yourself into thinking that because you believe what he's telling you, he's not actively persuading his wife that he's the man she wants to believe he is either.

 

He's where he wants to be. Not with you, with his wife, but when he's not getting any he's going to keep trying to get it with you until he gets fed up with the effort and moves on to some other poor chump.

 

He doesn't truly have deep feelings for you. Of course he's having sex with his wife. She's his wife, why wouldn't he be? His feeling for you stop at his widger, not his head.

 

Honestly, it will do you no good being eaten up with jealousy about his wife.

 

Find your dignity again and work toward a healthier you to save your own sanity, because this??...it really will drive you mad. Ask all the others here....

[pooldog]

There is a lot of good insight here. I guess what I see that surprises me is that after so many years the strong attraction is still there and so letting your guard down must never happen.

 

Jemim123, you have to believe the negatives. Always. He loves his wife and won't leave her for you. He is even destroying your own marriage. It's like a bad weed in your garden.

 

If you imagine him spooning with his wife every night and buying her beautiful holiday gifts and going on vacations with her you can snap yourself back to reality. Read the infidelity board and chump lady board to realize her life pain. Look at his social media accounts to see them happy together. That is reality.

 

And

 

Maybe she isn't having sex with him for a reason! Maybe there are other women before you?

 

You are just the flavor of the day. It's a crappy thing to just feel you only matter for one thing.

 

I would try NC as best as you can. Then listen to the old rock song to love the one you are with. It might be your husband or if your marriage is done your next one.

 

 

 

Hi

My story is long and complicated but years ago I had a 2 year affair- I was married as was he - I was completely in love with him. Eventually, MM confessed. My husband stayed with me and he stayed with his wife. I was unhappily married. He said he stayed for the children but I am not sure - I suspect he loves his wife and chose her.

 

After years we are now back in contact and over time are again having an affair. We plan to end this now. Neither of us want to hurt people or be doing this awful thing. He says he has deep feeling for me but I can't help thinking he still loves his wife and wants her. In the years in between he admits they reconciled and had a reasonable sex life and marriage. He says they are currently not having sex but admits he wants that to change long term - he says that doesn't change how he feels about me - but that if he has decided to stay in his marriage he needs to make it as fulfilling as he can regardless of how he feels. I don't get that- if he truly has deep feelings for me surely he wouldn't be wanting a sex life with his wife? I know - it's his wife- so it's right not wrong but I still hate it.

 

I want to stop the affair. But I can't cope with idea of him going back to a full relationship with his wife. And for complicated reasons we can't go completely NC but I know I need to as much as possible!

 

Not sure what am looking for- insight into the sex issue, help going no contact, help with my pain, - please don't judge me tho- I know it's awful! I know!!

[loveisanaction]

Huh! What do you mean you can't cope with the idea of him going back to a full relationship with his wife? She's HIS wife....but you can't cope with idea of him having relations with her? Girl, stop tripping.

 

Then you go on to say that you can't help thinking he still loves his wife and wants her. Errrrr...He straight up told you that he does. He said that him and his wife are not having sex right now but he hopes to change that in the long run. Not only is he telling you that he plans on staying married he's also making it clear that he plans on staying married and having a fulfilling sex life with his wife. No need to think there hon. Your married man is telling you his future plans and none of them include you.

 

On the other hand you have a husband who forgave you cheating on him once and you are betraying him AGAIN!

 

You say you don't want to hurt anybody. Then why are you AGAIN hurting the one person you vowed not to...and for a man who only comes running to you when his wife is not giving him any sex at home?

[stillafool]

Hi

My story is long and complicated but years ago I had a 2 year affair- I was married as was he - I was completely in love with him. Eventually, MM confessed. My husband stayed with me and he stayed with his wife. I was unhappily married. He said he stayed for the children but I am not sure - I suspect he loves his wife and chose her.

 

After years we are now back in contact and over time are again having an affair. We plan to end this now. Neither of us want to hurt people or be doing this awful thing. He says he has deep feeling for me but I can't help thinking he still loves his wife and wants her. In the years in between he admits they reconciled and had a reasonable sex life and marriage. He says they are currently not having sex but admits he wants that to change long term - he says that doesn't change how he feels about me - but that if he has decided to stay in his marriage he needs to make it as fulfilling as he can regardless of how he feels. I don't get that- if he truly has deep feelings for me surely he wouldn't be wanting a sex life with his wife? I know - it's his wife- so it's right not wrong but I still hate it.

 

I want to stop the affair. But I can't cope with idea of him going back to a full relationship with his wife. And for complicated reasons we can't go completely NC but I know I need to as much as possible!

 

Not sure what am looking for- insight into the sex issue, help going no contact, help with my pain, - please don't judge me tho- I know it's awful! I know!!

 

What do you mean you can't stand the idea of him having sex with his wife? You are having sex with your husband aren't you? What is the difference? Why haven't you left your husband? Why did you go back to your husband and still see this guy on the side? Why did you lie to your husband?

 

You need to work on your own life and leave MM and his wife alone.

[Southern Sun]

Jemima, you got a barrage of posts all telling you the same thing, so it might have felt like you were being ganged up on. Please know you weren't. We may speak passionately but that's because most of us have 'been there' in some form or fashion. We are saying, RUN DON'T WALK. Hope you can hear the truth through the tough love.

[DKT3]

Jemima, you got a barrage of posts all telling you the same thing, so it might have felt like you were being ganged up on. Please know you weren't. We may speak passionately but that's because most of us have 'been there' in some form or fashion. We are saying, RUN DON'T WALK. Hope you can hear the truth through the tough love.

 

How are you doing?

[Southern Sun]

How are you doing?

 

Hey DKT...

 

Pretty good. I finally got my act together and confessed the whole thing to my BH. I thought I was losing everything. But I knew we couldn't move forward at all without full honesty.

 

As of now, we are reconciling. It's good and tough. I've learned a lot about myself and what I needed/need to fix. Walking it out...

 

How are you?

[Jemima1234]

Had a problem with username but this is OP.

 

Thanks for all your input. Some strong words there but hey I guess I need to hear them. Scared me off a bit but decided to be brave and keep posting!! Appreciate all the input.

 

It is a complicated situation- I know this person well, and I know he has feelings for me. It's not a situation where he has come back to me cos of sex I do know that. The issues in his sex life - if he is being honest and there are issues- come from him currently, not her.

 

But at the end of the day that's all irrelevant - the thing that strikes me most is this- he chose her years ago, and rebuilt his life wth her and he is still choosing her and will no doubt rebuild again. The thing is in some ways I would hate him to leave her and hurt his children and her. Crazy eh- but even tho I am in this mess I can't stand thought of the hurt and pain it causes others.

 

do I need to stop this and let him move on- yes. Then yes I need to sort my own life out. Somehow!

 

I plan to go as close to no contact as I can and would appreciate all the support to do this and maintain it.

 

So painful- why why why have I done this to myself again? Will never ever understand that myself.

[PinkSunset]

It's a long and painful process going through NC and trying to stick to it. I am going through it myself and I need him more than ever right now. I just know it is bad for me, bad for him and bad for his wife and son.

 

Sometimes the things people say on LS are hard to read but it does help. I was being crucified at one point and felt like everyone was against me... But honestly I don't think I would have made as much progress as I have without this place.

 

Keep coming back and updating, it really does help. A lot of people here have been through it as well and can give you first hand experienced advice.

 

I hope you can find the strength to move on for your emotional health. He needs to deal with his problems himself. You can't solve anything for him.

[SoulSearcherAt50]

How long were you in NC. Before you started up again?

Did any of you go to MC?

 

He wants a sex life with his wife because he loves her. He chose to stay with her and so wants to make it work. It doesn't mean his feelings aren't real. But she is who he chose. Just as you chose your husband.

 

If your going to stay then you should work to make your marriage work. He's doing the same.

 

Why is everyone saying he loves his wife?

People who love people don't cheat on those people.

His wife is his comfort, habit and financial treat!

Having kids he would walk barefoot.

Maybe 1 man can do it.

And I knew one like that.

He had a lot going on so after he left her half he was

still very rich. So I think he was the ONLY one;)

[MidnightBlue1980]

So you had an affair, his wife finds out as a result their sexlife picks up which leads to improvements in his marriage. They stop having sex again and boom your right back in with him.....so what's confusing? This is about sex for him, period.

 

You just exactly described my xMM's life. I guess this post should be a warning to me.

[BenchCoach]

Don't mean to hijack.

 

 

@Southern Sun

 

Read through some of your threads... very sordid and complicated situation. I'm curious. Did you ever get that "feeling" of attraction for your husband back, as you stated in one of your threads? You seem to be doing well quite well, these days? It really looked as if you two weren't gonna make it.