Help, please.

[LNY]

Where do I begin..

 

My ex and I were together for around a year, I'm 20, shes 17. Yes I know she's young and what not, but I love her so tough luck. We rarely ever had a disagreement (maybe 2-3 throughout our relationship) and never really had a big fight. We were perfect, everything seemed perfect. She started uni a few months ago and everything was still perfect. One night she was over on a Sunday evening, we had dinner, then just layed in my room watching tv, had sex, and then she left for home as if everything was normal.

 

I then got a phone call when she got home, telling me she was breaking up with me. Yeah, over the phone. She said that she didn't feel the same anymore, yet still loved me, but doesn't think our relationship was what it used to be, and needed more time to do her uni work. We didn't spend a WHOLE lot of time together anyway, I used to see her say one or maybe twice during the week, and on the weekends I use to spend 2 out of the 3 days with her, never 3. (eg, Fri + Sat or Sat + Sun or Fri + Sun). This allowed us time to still see our mates etc, which we were both cool with.

 

We've been apart for about 6 weeks now, and she's been out every weekend since (even when her uni exams were on). She goes to the one club she knows I hate and never go to, every week. I get told by everyone shes always there. When we were together she rarely wanted to go clubbing even if I suggested it, she used to make excuses saying she was tired or her older sister would only give her her ID on special occasions. (Yes, shes not old enough to go clubbing). Now it seems she goes every week.

 

I've taken the breakup very hard, I've never ever felt this way in my life before. I've had 2 previous long-term relationships both about 18 months and never felt anything quite like this before. I honestly don't think there has been a minute that has gone by since we've broken up in which I havn't thought about her, what she's doing, where she is, or thinking about our time together. I'm an emotional wreck, and for someone who's not normally an emotional person at all, anti-depressants is the end of the line for me. It makes me depressed just thinking that I am on them. :S

 

My actions during the first week after our breakup were contradictive to me, for which I've found out now. You don't think at the time that what you could be doing is actually making things worse for yourself, because you're blinded by love and sadness. I kept calling her, nagging her, wanting her back, etc. I was basically begging, harrassing & stalking her.

 

The first couple of weeks after our breakup I used to go visit her at work, just doing anything to see and talk to her really. I told her I missed her while she was working (she works retail), and just saying those words made me break down, and then her. Bad move 1: I then got abusive sms messages like "It''s not necessary to bring personal **** to my work, talking wont change the fact that we are not together."

 

Bad move 2: I decided I was going to go to the club that I NEVER go to, then one that she's been frequenting. I got drunk, and emotional, and said some things I shouldn't (not to her, but she still found out). Apparantly I was going round angry and emotionally, telling everyone I was going to kill whatever guys were hanging around her, starting fights, etc, etc. The next day she SMS'd a mate of mine (yes, not me) telling him "What was my problem, he's acting like an immature dickhead, he's pushing a freindship at most the way he's going." What friendship do we have? She doesn't even speak to me! On the advice from a mate, I sms'd her from the phone that she sms'd telling her "I don't think he remembers saying anything, he was too drunk, I think he's over it."

 

This prompted her reply "Well I'm glad he's over it, now I can move on with my life without him ruining my day and night." How was I ruining her day and night? I barely even speak to her!

 

I since read some articles on here and other advice sites, learning about the big NC policy.. to something I'm not sure I agree upon entirely, but I'm willing to try anything. I'm trying to NC as much as I can (about 2-3 weeks now) but I don't think that method will work either, she's always been a girl that kind of wont back down from her decisions, or too strong about herself. (I don't know how to put it without saying stubborn.)

 

I guess I'm asking what else I can do. I just want her back in my life, more than anything. Sorry if this is a long post I just want to get the perspective about my situation across as for people to understand it more, and maybe give me advice. If I think of any important details I've missed out, I'll add them in. Someone help me, please!

 

westernxer, I've read some of your posts and find them to be quite informative and helpful, be a geat help to hear from you on this one.

[westernxer]

Hey man, it sounds like she's sick of your behavior. Now she even disrespects you for it. If you continue to contact her, she will end up hating you. Then you'll hate yourself and things will continue to slide, especially when you meet other chicks.

 

Stop contacting her, period. If you share the same friends, fine. Talk to them, but avoid her and any reference to her. Don't even apologize... she doesn't want to hear it, plus it'll look like an excuse so you can talk to her. Cut it off, cold turkey. If you have to wear a mouthpiece, do it (makes it easier to bite the bullet).

 

She is still very young, and probably wants to have a good time as a 17-year-old female (yum ). You're only 20 yourself, so do likewise, but first you need to wean yourself away from her. It's gonna be tough, but you gotta do it. Plus people will respect you for it... it shows maturity, something most young guys lack. You don't need too much of it, just enough to prove that you can take a lick and still have fun at the same time.

[LNY]

First off, thanks for taking the time to read my situation and reply to it.

 

Now I understand she's sick of my behaviour a few weeks ago, and I have not contacted her since. This doesn't explain WHY she broke up with me though? Everything was fine then. It seemed a bit pathetic to me that after a year she ends it all over the phone as if nothing has happened.

 

And what's with this rebellious type side I'm seeing, as her going out every week. Even during uni exams! Uni was one of the reasons she told me she was breaking up with me.

 

I'm just confused and really want her back, I'll do anything.

 

I havn't contacted her in a few weeks, and will continue to not do so, but I'm not 100% sure this will be the best method to get my ex back. I think that she would never go back on a decision and swallow her pride, no matter how much she might have changed her mind. She's too focused on herself for that, and likes sticking to her choices. An example of this is one of her sms' a few weeks back "I'm sorry, but I've made up my mind, this is how its gonna be." I know it's only early days and of course she is going to say that just after the breakup, but I don't see it changing anytime soon to be honest.

 

What can I do?

[Zaira]

I agree. Let her be. People change. It is wrong that she spent the night with you, slept with you and then dumped you over the phone, but some people ARE harsh If you are not coping then why not seek some counselling, even if it is just to get things off your chest? And there is NOTHING wrong with taking anti-depressants (temporarily) if it helps you get through this rough period

[westernxer]

Originally posted by LNY

This doesn't explain WHY she broke up with me though? Everything was fine then. It seemed a bit pathetic to me that after a year she ends it all over the phone as if nothing has happened.

 

All breakups are pathetic in their own way, that's part of the reason they suck so much.

 

Looks like she wants to live it up as a young college girl. Honestly, there's nothing you can do to win her back if her mind is made up. At least she told you straight up... sometimes they beat around the bush and string you along, hoping you'll get the hint. Some guys never do.

 

You probably want closure, but it's obvious she's not gonna give it. She wants to let her hair down and live it up... it's best if you move on.

 

Besides, why would you want her to know you're hurt? Don't. Get even by moving on. Someday she may come crawling back, unless she's super hot. If she is super hot and she does come back, think how awesome it'll be to brush her off... would give her the shock of her life, that's for sure.

 

You have to move on because you have no choice. She won't care either way, but it'll make all the difference for you.

[LNY]

Zaira, thanks for voicing another opinion, I need all the help I can get. Thanks for your advice, I havn't really considered counselling, yet I probably should.. I've NEVER displayed any self destruct/suicide thoughts/actions before, but it's crossed my mind a bit lately, and I know it's ****ing stupid, and not my normal self.

 

westernxer, probably is best that I move on, but that's a lot easier said than done.. all I want is her back in my life. I'm not usually a jealous type but I find myself getting jealous just THINKING about her with someone else, even though shes not. Well atleast she tells me she's not. But that's not her type to lie either, and she wouldn't sleep with anyone else unless she was devoted into a relationship, and that's not what she wants right now.

 

And yes, it'd be safe to say she is super hot. She is a size 6, 41kg blonde (and no, doesn't look anorexic) model, with the most gorgoues face and body ever. Everything just seems to be perfect about her. She's smart (%95 TEE mark), fiendly (usually), was a virgin when we started going out, and above all.. makes me HAPPY. It's not hard to see why I miss her. She was my everything.

 

She used to get hit on while she was at work, atleast 2-3 times a DAY, when she was with me.. I can only imagine her being single in a club. (Drink spiking etc scares the **** out of me.)

 

Pretty sure she knows I'm hurting, although I did tell her I was over it (obviously, I'm not). This could go both ways, she could realise she does want me back (people always want what they can't have), OR she could not want to swallow her pride, and think if I'm over, then she may want to get over it herself and move on. Who's to say she already hasn't? I don't want to move on, and surely don't think I'm ready to even if I wanted to.

 

If she did come back even if I WAS over it/her, I don't think I'd think twice about taking her back.. ever. I would.

[Zaira]

Your everything should include "she considers my feelings and makes ME happy"

 

Counselling is good. They don't tell you how to feel, but give you methods to help you focus on yourself and how to achieve happiness. When I am depressed sleep and exercise is the best cure.

 

I think you just have to keep reminding yourself that you deserve better than this.

[Monel]

Originally posted by LNY

Where do I begin..

 

My ex and I were together for around a year, I'm 20, shes 17. Yes I know she's young and what not, but I love her so tough luck. We rarely ever had a disagreement (maybe 2-3 throughout our relationship) and never really had a big fight. We were perfect, everything seemed perfect. She started uni a few months ago and everything was still perfect. One night she was over on a Sunday evening, we had dinner, then just layed in my room watching tv, had sex, and then she left for home as if everything was normal.

 

I then got a phone call when she got home, telling me she was breaking up with me. Yeah, over the phone. She said that she didn't feel the same anymore, yet still loved me, but doesn't think our relationship was what it used to be, and needed more time to do her uni work. We didn't spend a WHOLE lot of time together anyway, I used to see her say one or maybe twice during the week, and on the weekends I use to spend 2 out of the 3 days with her, never 3. (eg, Fri + Sat or Sat + Sun or Fri + Sun). This allowed us time to still see our mates etc, which we were both cool with.

 

We've been apart for about 6 weeks now, and she's been out every weekend since (even when her uni exams were on). She goes to the one club she knows I hate and never go to, every week. I get told by everyone shes always there. When we were together she rarely wanted to go clubbing even if I suggested it, she used to make excuses saying she was tired or her older sister would only give her her ID on special occasions. (Yes, shes not old enough to go clubbing). Now it seems she goes every week.

 

I've taken the breakup very hard, I've never ever felt this way in my life before. I've had 2 previous long-term relationships both about 18 months and never felt anything quite like this before. I honestly don't think there has been a minute that has gone by since we've broken up in which I havn't thought about her, what she's doing, where she is, or thinking about our time together. I'm an emotional wreck, and for someone who's not normally an emotional person at all, anti-depressants is the end of the line for me. It makes me depressed just thinking that I am on them. :S

 

My actions during the first week after our breakup were contradictive to me, for which I've found out now. You don't think at the time that what you could be doing is actually making things worse for yourself, because you're blinded by love and sadness. I kept calling her, nagging her, wanting her back, etc. I was basically begging, harrassing & stalking her.

 

The first couple of weeks after our breakup I used to go visit her at work, just doing anything to see and talk to her really. I told her I missed her while she was working (she works retail), and just saying those words made me break down, and then her. Bad move 1: I then got abusive sms messages like "It''s not necessary to bring personal **** to my work, talking wont change the fact that we are not together."

 

Bad move 2: I decided I was going to go to the club that I NEVER go to, then one that she's been frequenting. I got drunk, and emotional, and said some things I shouldn't (not to her, but she still found out). Apparantly I was going round angry and emotionally, telling everyone I was going to kill whatever guys were hanging around her, starting fights, etc, etc. The next day she SMS'd a mate of mine (yes, not me) telling him "What was my problem, he's acting like an immature dickhead, he's pushing a freindship at most the way he's going." What friendship do we have? She doesn't even speak to me! On the advice from a mate, I sms'd her from the phone that she sms'd telling her "I don't think he remembers saying anything, he was too drunk, I think he's over it."

 

This prompted her reply "Well I'm glad he's over it, now I can move on with my life without him ruining my day and night." How was I ruining her day and night? I barely even speak to her!

 

I since read some articles on here and other advice sites, learning about the big NC policy.. to something I'm not sure I agree upon entirely, but I'm willing to try anything. I'm trying to NC as much as I can (about 2-3 weeks now) but I don't think that method will work either, she's always been a girl that kind of wont back down from her decisions, or too strong about herself. (I don't know how to put it without saying stubborn.)

 

I guess I'm asking what else I can do. I just want her back in my life, more than anything. Sorry if this is a long post I just want to get the perspective about my situation across as for people to understand it more, and maybe give me advice. If I think of any important details I've missed out, I'll add them in. Someone help me, please!

 

westernxer, I've read some of your posts and find them to be quite informative and helpful, be a geat help to hear from you on this one.

 

Hmm...I'm in a similar situation as you after my gf for two years wants a cooling period or a break from our relationship.I was in depression for almost a month but now things are starting to cool down in my head.Things are healing but far from complete I must say.

[LNY]

Monel, sorry to hear mate, I know what you're going through. Though you did say that she wanting a 'cooling period or break' from your relationship. I wish that was the case with me! Mine's a more definate breakup unfortunately. Anyhow, all the best for you, and thanks for the input.

 

Zaira, sleep works.. when I can get to sleep. As for exercise, well I go to the same gym as she does, and although I've only seen her there once since the breakup, (and didn't speak to her), exercise seems to make me feel depressed for some reason. Isn't exercise supposed to release endorphins into your bloodstream to make you feel happier? As for deserving better, I don't think I could have or ever get someone better in my life. (Truth hurts.)

[westernxer]

Originally posted by LNY

As for exercise, well I go to the same gym as she does, and although I've only seen her there once since the breakup, (and didn't speak to her), exercise seems to make me feel depressed for some reason. Isn't exercise supposed to release endorphins into your bloodstream to make you feel happier?

 

Yes.

 

As for deserving better, I don't think I could have or ever get someone better in my life. (Truth hurts.)

 

You say this because you're hurting... you're only 20, for crying out loud. Don't get down on yourself. If you think you're money, you wil be. It'll take some time, but you need to start trying. A change of scenery would be a good place to start.

 

(I was in the same boat as you during college... this girl had a body to kill for, too. Took me the entire semester and a summmer break to get over her, but I succeeded and even resisted her attempts to get "friendly" again... I was completely over her.)

[LNY]

Well, it seems to have the opposite effect on me at the moment. I can't workout, nor do ANYTHING without trying to get her out of my mind. It's ****ed. I hate feeling like this. I no longer workout with my iPod, as every damn song, no matter what it is, reminds me of her. I can't do anything, it's like a disease in which I can't not think about her.

 

I know I'm only young, and she's even younger, but I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my days with her. I never felt this way with my two previous long-term relationships. (Although I never told her that, that'd probably freak her out more.) And it's not just her looks that eats away at me, it's the whole package. The brains, personality, ability to get along with & also the friendship, the fun, the happiness.

 

I spose it's true when they say if something is too good to be true.. it usually is.

 

So you think there's no hope/chance of getting back together? Nothing else I can do besides sit here NC'ing and wait?

[westernxer]

Originally posted by LNY

I know I'm only young, and she's even younger, but I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my days with her. I never felt this way with my two previous long-term relationships. (Although I never told her that, that'd probably freak her out more.) And it's not just her looks that eats away at me, it's the whole package. The brains, personality, ability to get along with & also the friendship, the fun, the happiness.

 

Good thing you didn't say anything... you'd look even more foolish.

 

So you think there's no hope/chance of getting back together?

 

As of right now, no (I think you already know this).

 

Nothing else I can do besides sit here NC'ing and wait?

 

Wrong. You do NC to get over her, not to wait.

 

I think you need to watch Swingers. ConfusedinOC also has a few good books you should check out. Look him up... both situations are very similar.

[LNY]

Originally posted by westernxer

Wrong. You do NC to get over her, not to wait.

 

I'm not sure I want to get over her, I just want her back. :S

 

Originally posted by westernxer

I think you need to watch Swingers. ConfusedinOC also has a few good books you should check out. Look him up... both situations are very similar.

 

I have no idea what you're on about there, or what they are.. is it some American thing?

[westernxer]

Originally posted by LNY

I'm not sure I want to get over her, I just want her back. :S

 

Your funeral, buddy. You're also very stubborn.

 

I have no idea what you're on about there, or what they are.. is it some American thing?

 

ConfusedinOC is a dude on LoveShack... look him up. You guys share the same pain.

[LNY]

I'm not stubborn, sorry if it may seem I come across that way, it's just because I'm hurting and miss her, and want her back. After all, that's only a natural feeling, right?

 

Thanks, I'll look into it.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by LNY

I'm not stubborn, sorry if it may seem I come across that way, it's just because I'm hurting and miss her, and want her back. After all, that's only a natural feeling, right?

 

Ok, here comes some very upfront advice. You might not like it or agree, but I am calling it like I see it:

 

You're obsessing about her and in doing so, you are SCARING her. (rightfully so). You need to leave her alone. In fact, I would go so far as to say you should send her a note apologizing for your beahvior and promise to never contact her again. Tell her you accept responsibility for your behavior and implment NC to heal yourself.

 

No offense, but you're 20, right? You have your whole life ahead of you and at your age, most people don't know what they want. She only 17 and doesn't know what she wants either. But I can tell you that based on what you've said in this thread, you've slammed the door shut on ever getting back with her.

 

I would suggest getting some counseling as I feel you would benefit from being able to talk to someone who has a vested interest in you.

[LNY]

ConfusedInOC, thanks for taking the time to read the thread, and give some input.

 

I have left her alone, and been NC for about 3 weeks now. I have also apologised for my behaviour, and that was the last I've contacted her or heard from her. I've seen her at the gym once since, and there was a mutual wave, that was it, no words were spoken.

 

Yes, I'm only 20, and she's only 17. Obviously she doesn't know what she wants, or maybe she does and this is why I'm in the situation. I however, know what I want, and that is to have her back. That's why I joined, and posted this thread, to get some help and idea of what I've been doing wrong, and what I can do in the future to change it, and maybe have a second chance with her.

 

Hopefully she will come round, but after my actions like you said, I've probably slammed the door shut on her ever coming back, unfortunately. I spose only time will tell.

 

I'm looking into counselling, on the advice of my parents also.

 

Thanks.

[LNY]

Is it normal to keep having dreams about her, or am I going crazy? :S

[Zaira]

Originally posted by LNY

I'm not sure I want to get over her, I just want her back. :S

 

You want her back when she has treated you like crap? You're only hurting yourself then.

 

As for dreaming about her constantly, I'd say it's because you have nothing else occupying your mind at the moment. Find a hobby, go to the gym (or just walk/run around the block if you think she may be there, but that should NOT stop you anyway).

 

I think the counselling would help you though because you get things off your chest, rather than bottling them up. If you hold everything inside then there is no doubt they are going to come out in your subconscious ie. when you're asleep.

 

Overall though, it is only time that can heal such wounds, and getting on with making YOURSELF happy

[Kat]

Originally posted by LNY

Is it normal to keep having dreams about her, or am I going crazy? :S

You invested a lot of yourself into this relationship and her. It is only natural that you will run senario after senario in your head to find out if you could have done something different.

 

No you aren't going crazy, you are using your dreams for their purpose.