Dumpee vs Dumper (who gets over faster)

[jenko]

This might just be because I feel better today, but I am the dumpee and for some reason I feel like I see the light. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago out of the blue. We've had a rocky month since June and have been arguing a lot. I used the car salesman tactic and it didn't work. Got in touch 1 week later to see if he changed his mind and he did not, the conversation went a bit sour. A few days later I texted him telling him that I understood why he broke up with me. I thought it was for the better knowing that I have a lot that I need to work on. I have asked him when I was desperate if he thought we would get back together, his response was "I don't know" On our last text convo he was vague saying, "maybe this wasn't our time." I also asked him if he would keep his heart open for me in the future, and he said "I will keep my heart open." All very vague.

 

For the past week I

- blamed myself which turned into self reflection and growth

- I over analyzed every aspect of our relationship

- I made excuses for his behavior

- given myself so much hope

- haven't been eating or sleeping well

 

Today I felt something different. Do I really miss him? Or do I just miss having a warm body next to me, having someone there? Do I miss someone that can not even mutter an apology during the break up while I've been blaming myself? I can feel myself on a steady road to forgiveness and healing.

 

It's going to be hard but I know I will be able to do it. NC doesn't even seem that hard, I don't really have the urge to contact him. I do always wonder if he's thinking about me and I'm sure he is. The only thing that really sets me back is that false hope. Hope that he might regret his decision. That's the hardest part to get over.

 

I believe you can only hit rock bottom, and you will slowly but surely climb your way back. Forgive the person that broke up with you, learn and start walking down the path of self healing.

 

I'd like to think that Dumpees definitely get over Dumpers faster because we've grieved badly right after the break up. We compulsively think about them and our emotions. I think Dumpers on the other hand will definitely have a harder time down the line. This goes for breakups without a third party. What do you guys think?

[SevenCity]

Without a 3rd party I can see it happening. It really depends on the person.

 

Often the dumper goes through the healing before they told you about the breakup at all. So they are well on their way.

 

The difference is they might not realize what it's like when you're not there anymore. Then it can be painful.

 

Edited to add - even if they are hurting doesn't mean that they want you to be in a RL with them.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I think you might be on to something there...

 

Even when a third party is involved, my therapist tells me they carry the same issues to the new relationship, can't escape that and people do not change. You can only suppress the negative qualities so long until they come out. Pretty much like it happened in our own relationships, we meet people they are great at first and then their true colours slowly creep up. That will happen two-fold because there was no chance to work on themselves and the unresolved issues from the last rel get carried over even more prominently.

 

Funny how you mentioned that you admitted all your wrong doings and were eager to work on yourself in an effort to make things right, aren't we all as dumpees willing to do that? Yet the dumpers point fingers and make sure to wash their hands of any wrong doings, they just want out they don't even want to acknowledge their share in the breakdown.

 

Then there are those who have such shallow emotions that they feel nothing either way so they will never have that "aha" moment nor will they suffer down the line.

[asphyxis]

I think you might be on to something there...

 

Even when a third party is involved, my therapist tells me they carry the same issues to the new relationship, can't escape that and people do not change. You can only suppress the negative qualities so long until they come out. Pretty much like it happened in our own relationships, we meet people they are great at first and then their true colours slowly creep up. That will happen two-fold because there was no chance to work on themselves and the unresolved issues from the last rel get carried over even more prominently.

 

Funny how you mentioned that you admitted all your wrong doings and were eager to work on yourself in an effort to make things right, aren't we all as dumpees willing to do that? Yet the dumpers point fingers and make sure to wash their hands of any wrong doings, they just want out they don't even want to acknowledge their share in the breakdown.

 

Then there are those who have such shallow emotions that they feel nothing either way so they will never have that "aha" moment nor will they suffer down the line.

 

I don't think my ex is suffering, and the bulk of the relationship blame was placed on me (couldn't handle the stance anymore, I hurt him too kany times, neglected his feelings, was confused what I wanted, was probably a lesbian and that I'm manipulative?) and I have been extremely torn up over it all. Sure, I did show at times I didn't care, and I acknowledged that. If expressing my feelings is manipulative, I'm not sure what else to say. I've actually have realized all my faults. I'm not sure if he does with his, but that isn't on me. I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused over it all. He didn't even show any emotion when I told him a week after we broke up that I could finally move, all he said was to move to Fl to be with my family. I've heard how happy he is and how he's acting fine. I'm not sure.

[jenko]

Without a 3rd party I can see it happening. It really depends on the person.

 

Often the dumper goes through the healing before they told you about the breakup at all. So they are well on their way.

 

The difference is they might not realize what it's like when you're not there anymore. Then it can be painful.

 

Edited to add - even if they are hurting doesn't mean that they want you to be in a RL with them.

 

Definitely agree! As a dumpee, we want answers... we want closure but the closure is really in ourselves. Nothing that the Dumper says can fix what's already broken. I think that's the mistake everyone makes by keeping in contact with the Dumper.

 

For my situation, he told me he thought about it 3 nights before he broke up with me. I am sure he exhausted all his efforts to keep the relationship afloat and I still believe I failed to see it.

[jenko]

I don't think my ex is suffering, and the bulk of the relationship blame was placed on me (couldn't handle the stance anymore, I hurt him too kany times, neglected his feelings, was confused what I wanted, was probably a lesbian and that I'm manipulative?) and I have been extremely torn up over it all. Sure, I did show at times I didn't care, and I acknowledged that. If expressing my feelings is manipulative, I'm not sure what else to say. I've actually have realized all my faults. I'm not sure if he does with his, but that isn't on me. I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused over it all. He didn't even show any emotion when I told him a week after we broke up that I could finally move, all he said was to move to Fl to be with my family. I've heard how happy he is and how he's acting fine. I'm not sure.

 

It sounds like you're going through a tough time. I don't think you should blame yourself anymore. I did for the last two weeks, but realized it just a learning experience. AND expressing your feelings is NOT manipulative, maybe you were confused about yourself. I'd like to think that months down the line the dumper will reflect and see what they did wrong. Maybe they won't, but they will never be in a successful relationship. I also think you should be completely NC. Don't listen to what other people have to say about him. People act fine, but they are grieving inside... they just don't show it.

[SevenCity]

Definitely agree! As a dumpee, we want answers... we want closure but the closure is really in ourselves. Nothing that the Dumper says can fix what's already broken. I think that's the mistake everyone makes by keeping in contact with the Dumper.

 

For my situation, he told me he thought about it 3 nights before he broke up with me. I am sure he exhausted all his efforts to keep the relationship afloat and I still believe I failed to see it.

 

True. This is the first time in my life that I am trying to work it out with an ex. I planned to marry her and feel our problems are fixable. Regardless of the delayed suffering I may endure, it will be worth it if we end up spending the rest of our lives together.

 

That said, I have never tried to get an ex back before. I've been through some tough times in the past with women and basically disappeared once the RL was done. It's the best thing you can do.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I don't think my ex is suffering, and the bulk of the relationship blame was placed on me (couldn't handle the stance anymore, I hurt him too kany times, neglected his feelings, was confused what I wanted, was probably a lesbian and that I'm manipulative?) and I have been extremely torn up over it all. Sure, I did show at times I didn't care, and I acknowledged that. If expressing my feelings is manipulative, I'm not sure what else to say. I've actually have realized all my faults. I'm not sure if he does with his, but that isn't on me. I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused over it all. He didn't even show any emotion when I told him a week after we broke up that I could finally move, all he said was to move to Fl to be with my family. I've heard how happy he is and how he's acting fine. I'm not sure.

 

Not now he isn't, and that is the point that is being made here I think. As dumpers they have mulled it over for quite some time and in their heads have made the decision before it happens so when it does they are happy as can be. New found freedom, possibility of new romance, "weight lifted off their shoulders" etc. What's not to be happy about? Yet for some they realize as the months go by that life isn't all unicorns and lollipops and an endless supply of romance and happiness when they are alone. So it hits them down the line and they start to go through the grieving process then.

 

Too bad so sad.

 

Don't beat yourself up over all the mistakes you made, I am certain he made his fair share too. Our self esteem is low when we leave relationships that were experiencing lost of problems, that we have a tendency to believe all the negative voices in our heads, and all the negative messages our ex's told us to keep us down, to hold us accountable for everything because their insecurities are so deep seated the only way they could feel better about themselves is to put us down. So...ya, that's why you believe what you do right now.

 

As per the overlappers or those who had met someone they were already seeing before the breakup, I've read about those being hit pretty hard with a flood of grief even two years after the fact. Sometimes while married to the affair partner.

 

We just don't know how our subconscious is going to behave when we leave unfinished business inside.

 

Given my own experience and how I do break-ups, I am alone for a fair time afterward, I grieve and sink to the low you are supposed to and then I am reborn. And when I am out the other side I never EVER yearn for a past rel. ever again. That works for me very well. That's not to say your feelings die but because I go through the process alone I eventually detach and never look back. So I can't relate to this yearning a year down the line...

[jenko]

True. This is the first time in my life that I am trying to work it out with an ex. I planned to marry her and feel our problems are fixable. Regardless of the delayed suffering I may endure, it will be worth it if we end up spending the rest of our lives together.

 

That said, I have never tried to get an ex back before. I've been through some tough times in the past with women and basically disappeared once the RL was done. It's the best thing you can do.

 

May I ask if you initiated the break up or did she?

 

I am also really happy to hear that you believe your problems are fixable. It's nice to hear someone know exactly what they want. Relationships are tough and I wish the best in your journey!

[jenko]

Not now he isn't, and that is the point that is being made here I think. As dumpers they have mulled it over for quite some time and in their heads have made the decision before it happens so when it does they are happy as can be. New found freedom, possibility of new romance, "weight lifted off their shoulders" etc. What's not to be happy about? Yet for some they realize as the months go by that life isn't all unicorns and lollipops and an endless supply of romance and happiness when they are alone. So it hits them down the line and they start to go through the grieving process then.

 

Too bad so sad.

 

Don't beat yourself up over all the mistakes you made, I am certain he made his fair share too. Our self esteem is low when we leave relationships that were experiencing lost of problems, that we have a tendency to believe all the negative voices in our heads, and all the negative messages our ex's told us to keep us down, to hold us accountable for everything because their insecurities are so deep seated the only way they could feel better about themselves is to put us down. So...ya, that's why you believe what you do right now.

 

As per the overlappers or those who had met someone they were already seeing before the breakup, I've read about those being hit pretty hard with a flood of grief even two years after the fact. Sometimes while married to the affair partner.

 

We just don't know how our subconscious is going to behave when we leave unfinished business inside.

 

Given my own experience and how I do break-ups, I am alone for a fair time afterward, I grieve and sink to the low you are supposed to and then I am reborn. And when I am out the other side I never EVER yearn for a past rel. ever again. That works for me very well. That's not to say your feelings die but because I go through the process alone I eventually detach and never look back. So I can't relate to this yearning a year down the line...

 

You said it so well! I couldn't have said it better. I think the way you deal with breakups is really healthy. I've had a bad track record where I always either get in another relationship right away or have something waiting in the back burner. I never noticed I did that until this breakup and I really want to break this horrible habit. I realized it has prevented me from learning through past mistakes. This time I want to learn and understand the pain that comes from a breakup.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Thanks Jenko!

 

So can I ask you...how has that worked out for you in the past? Does the old "getting under someone new to get over someone" work at all?

 

I kinda' wish I could because the thought would be nice to have the companionship of someone new but I just can't. It seems like too much work right now. And I suck at dumping people...I've done it but absolutely hate it.

[jenko]

Thanks Jenko!

 

So can I ask you...how has that worked out for you in the past? Does the old "getting under someone new to get over someone" work at all?

 

I kinda' wish I could because the thought would be nice to have the companionship of someone new but I just can't. It seems like too much work right now. And I suck at dumping people...I've done it but absolutely hate it.

 

It has definitely worked for me! But I realized that because I was always looking for someone to make me happy that I never learned how to make myself happy. I was always upset at my ex because I wasn't happy or he did something to make me upset. When I step back now I realized it was because I never understood how to love myself. I never understood the meaning of loss. Now that I lost him, I regret it deeply. This failed relationship is mostly because of me. Everyone says I might think differently later on, but I'm not sure.

 

He gave me a sliver of hope that he might be open to try again in the future, but I know I have to work on myself and understand what I want in life.

 

Long story short ... I was with two guys at the same time. One of them broke up with me and the other one was LDR. My ex was my coworker and was there to help me cope with the one that broke up with me. We ended up dating and I fell hard for him all while still maintaining my LDR. I finally after a few months broke it off with my LDR but still remained in friendly contact. Partially because I was afraid it wouldn't work out with my ex. My ex knew everything and he loved me like no one has ever loved me before. He gave me his heart and I honestly didn't know what to do with it. Did I think he was the one? Did I want kids with him? Was I happy?

 

Now that he is gone, I realized how much I did love him. How much he loved me and how he tried so hard but because I was always so confused, and we never worked together towards something. I was uphappy with myself and the guilt. I didn't know how to love someone because i didn't love myself. I was scared to be alone and all I wanted was to take and not give.

 

I did give him my heart, it wasn't like I didn't. I'm sure he has a sense of relief! He told me he felt like he lost himself in this relationship that he fell out of love with me. For some reason, deep down I know I can win him back.

 

For now I am going to work on myself and learn to be independent. I do have hope that he will want me again someday-- or maybe he won't. He used to tell me he thought I was the one.

 

Thanks for reading!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh wow talk about overlapping three times over!

 

I meant I wish I could move on quickly after a breakup, I don't have it in me to overlap that's for sure.

 

 

So your experience sort of supports what I have read about people who don't have a clean break from one relationship to the next. That's too bad that it took you losing your guy to realize what you felt for him. Yes I guess you would benefit from taking time to yourself now and really finding yourself.

 

But on the other hand, your friends might be right, you might just realize he wasn't what you want. Especially if you say you were plagued by guilt maybe on a subconscious level you judged him too for accepting you and what you did with him? Just a guess here...Maybe it isn't so much that you don't love yourself but that you are not comfortable with being someone who is with several guys at the same time and you judge him for being so accepting of that and loving you anyway.

 

Thanks for sharing

[SevenCity]

May I ask if you initiated the break up or did she?

 

I am also really happy to hear that you believe your problems are fixable. It's nice to hear someone know exactly what they want. Relationships are tough and I wish the best in your journey!

 

It's a judgement call. She left the house for her house (as normal - done before We lived together but both own our own homes) and when I spoke with her she said she's not sure when she's coming back so I said fine and ended it as it sounded to me she meant shes not sure if she's ever coming back.

 

I felt my hand was forced but realized soon after I may have overreacted so been trying to patch things up for 1.5 months. We've gotten together a few times and had sex and talked about the problems in our RL and we still love each other but she's afraid to get hurt. We've been mostly staying in touch via text.

 

I don't think either of us knew what happened but I think now we both realized we got too complacent and did not communicate well in the last year. I was bottling up my frustrations because she has a lot going on with work and the online MBA program which was the beginning of our downfall due to lack of time together.

 

Outside of this unique situation (where the breakup was not planned on either side, been together for 7 years, both mature adults), I would not recommend this course of action to anyone (including myself- I struggle with this as it is completely against my beliefs).

 

For all the past girls where I was dumped, I just shut them out and found someone new. Most of them tried to contact me and I fell for the advances of one which only set me back as she did not want to get back together she was just lonely (11 month RL took me 2 years to get over) . This may end up being the case with my current situation but I have to take that risk. It sure would suck though.

 

Never again will I deviate from my gut if I find myself in a situation like this again. Dumped or not sure or whatever it's "See Ya" and don't look back like I used to do.

 

Since we split I've lost 20 lbs (lack of appetite), a ton of sleep, and likely a few years off my life. As time is going on I'm starting to get my appetite back and sleeping more. I don't know if it finally ends for good if I'll revert back but I know that there are women out there who find me attractive and I will find someone else if I have to. I don't want to and will allow this to reach its conclusion - either marriage or cutting her out of my life forever.

 

What you are feeling sucks but is normal. If you want to heal the best thing to do is NC. It can be a slow process but works.

[juniorrocha]

I was dumped, went 2 weeks feeling very sad, but still taking care of my life. Then after these 2 weeks, I started to see the light as well and right now I don't feel the need to contact, stalk, or do anything related to her. Yes, she comes to my mind everyday, but each day it's less and less. The key is to work on yourself.

 

Thing is, my relationship didn't end because there wasn't love. It ended because we are clearly incompatible, but kept trying and carried the same mistakes over almost 2 years. So I don't think it's being easier for her.

 

I'm already over the thoughts of "what ifs" and whatever else. I just don't care anymore. She chose to leave, now I get this brand new life just for me to enjoy.

 

Do I miss her? I sure do. But I'm better off without someone who gave up on me and our relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think dumpers necessarily have a harder time later, nor that they always bring their issues into the next relationship.

 

I say that because the dynamic between every couple is different. Sometimes when a relationship just isn't working anymore, the dumper sees it sooner than the dumpee and has already detached prior to finally ending it.

 

I've been on both sides of the coin, but when I have ended a relationship, it was because I had put quite a lot of thought into it and just didn't feel the same any longer. I have had ex-boyfriends with whom there was a lot of friction, but that friction wasn't present in subsequent relationships because I'd grown and learned something from the previous one.

 

I can only speak for myself though.

[Toodaloo]

When I have dumped someone (what a word)...

 

When I have been the one to end a relationship I have always thought it through long and hard. I will have done my mourning and by the time it gets to me saying those words and actually doing it I am normally over it. It takes a few weeks to get over the shock and start putting myself back together but when I get to the point where I do it. The decision has been made and it is final.

 

When I have been dumped I take a pragmatic view. I try to make some sense of it. Sometimes there is none. And then I accept and heal.

 

In both cases I usually hide myself away for a while and cry lots. I tend to write letters that I will never send to them so I can get it all out of my system. I force myself to take care of myself in terms of my looks and health. Then slowly I find I recover and I start to wake up feeling positive and happy again.

 

I don't tend to take previous issues into new relationships. I make each one a fresh new start.

[Movingonup]

This might just be because I feel better today, but I am the dumpee and for some reason I feel like I see the light. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago out of the blue. We've had a rocky month since June and have been arguing a lot. I used the car salesman tactic and it didn't work. Got in touch 1 week later to see if he changed his mind and he did not, the conversation went a bit sour. A few days later I texted him telling him that I understood why he broke up with me. I thought it was for the better knowing that I have a lot that I need to work on. I have asked him when I was desperate if he thought we would get back together, his response was "I don't know" On our last text convo he was vague saying, "maybe this wasn't our time." I also asked him if he would keep his heart open for me in the future, and he said "I will keep my heart open." All very vague.

 

For the past week I

- blamed myself which turned into self reflection and growth

- I over analyzed every aspect of our relationship

- I made excuses for his behavior

- given myself so much hope

- haven't been eating or sleeping well

 

Today I felt something different. Do I really miss him? Or do I just miss having a warm body next to me, having someone there? Do I miss someone that can not even mutter an apology during the break up while I've been blaming myself? I can feel myself on a steady road to forgiveness and healing.

 

It's going to be hard but I know I will be able to do it. NC doesn't even seem that hard, I don't really have the urge to contact him. I do always wonder if he's thinking about me and I'm sure he is. The only thing that really sets me back is that false hope. Hope that he might regret his decision. That's the hardest part to get over.

 

I believe you can only hit rock bottom, and you will slowly but surely climb your way back. Forgive the person that broke up with you, learn and start walking down the path of self healing.

 

I'd like to think that Dumpees definitely get over Dumpers faster because we've grieved badly right after the break up. We compulsively think about them and our emotions. I think Dumpers on the other hand will definitely have a harder time down the line. This goes for breakups without a third party. What do you guys think?

 

 

I think it is situational. From my own experience only, whenever I've been the dumper it has been easier for me to get over someone, because it was my decision in the first place. Whenever I've been the dumpee, it has taken me way longer to heal, because I kept thinking "what did I do wrong? Could I have done something different?"

[Toodaloo]

Whenever I've been the dumpee, it has taken me way longer to heal, because I kept thinking "what did I do wrong? Could I have done something different?"

 

I have those thoughts regardless of whether I am the one who ends it or not.