We Might be turning into a blended family mess.

[Blue08]

I'm looking for advice from others because i'm new at the step-parent blended family role and I just don't know what to do about it.

 

I have three boys 12, 7, and 4

 

He has 2 girls 18,8 and a boy 15.

 

My oldest(12) and his 15 year old boy lives with us and have the other children frequently.

 

In our situation, it is very busy, he owns his own business requiring him to work extended hours, almost 7 days a week.

 

I'm the bookkeeper and also going to school full time and will be finishing my business degree in dec. I am also the run around for the kids for school events, sports, school, friends, etc. I'm also the caregiver at home and spend the majority of the time with the children.

 

His 18yr old is physically disabled and she has come over less than a handful of times and I have told him that I am ok with caring for her, and i have tried to set up plans for her to come and stay and nothing has ever came about. The last time she came over, he went to work, and her and I had fun, I fed her, changed her, painted her fingernails and toenails, did her hair, and we used all her new xmas gifts. When her mom came to pick her up she started crying immediately after hearing her moms voice and I feel bad, she knows she was at her fathers and she wanted to stay

 

Just recently his 15 year old has not been coming hardly at all since summer began. He is a good teenager, but he is still a teenager and I believe structure still needs to be in place. I have had an outstanding relationship with him, we would talk about everything and now he treats me differently. He works at his dad business from Mon-thur. after work and weekends he does whatever and he just got out of an unhealthy relationship with a girl that he isn't allowed to see and I have my hunch that's who he is seeing via FB. Now he doesn't even check to make sure he is where he says he is or even what he is doing.

 

We have had issue w/ him before cigarets chewing tobacco, grades, not doing what he says he's gonna do.

 

My son is 12 he also has his own things to work on. And I feel like I do work on them I have give consequences, chores, I took his games away for 3 months for his grades. He ended coming out with being the top 97th percentile of his grade and won a presidents award. I gave him his games back with time limits. My husband doesn't want him to play games it always an issue and it's something he enjoys, he plays with neighborhood kids and he doesn't want him to ride his bike to their house, so I stopped that then his friends were over here swimming and playing and he was frustrated because they were here and they are not here all the time.

I made then dinner last night and he was frustrated I was feeding them and I get it but it was one time in months and my son is leaving in 2 days for a month to visit my mother and step father in a different state.

 

I feel like I can't get anything right and my son just can't get anything right.

 

But his son can do anything, it's ok for his friends to come over and ride 4-wheelers every where, eat, come in the house, spend the night.

 

There are other things as well. His son can talk to the younger kids however he wants, mine can't. In which I don't think either of them should and I correct mine. He is allowed to eat and keep food in his room and mine can't which I don't want either one of them doing.

When his son was 12 he was allowed to go to his work and mess around with friends and mine can't.

My husbands parents treat our children differently and my son has said several times when going over there that they hate him and he isn't going back. then the other day he wanted to go and my husband was like he isn't going back over there, like a punishment for what he said.

 

Ive tried to bring this up and my husband gets snappy and gets upset because I am making it about my son. And I'm not, I just see a significant difference and it's driving a wedge and causing resentment and I don't want it to get worse. I get being a step-parent is challenging, I am one too, and I'd rather be open and honest and try and make the best of it rather than having it being a wedge.

 

I just don't know what to do because I feel like I can't talk to him. like I said he gets snappy and loud and then it turns into, " I just won't get involved." ugh!

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. You should know that you are not alone and that blended family relationships often having such issues. I will start by saying...find a support group to talk about these issues, get guidance. This resentment, differences will likely not cease any time soon. How much time did your kids spend with his? With him? Together as a "family" before getting married? Most blended families fail b/c they took very little to no time living like a family to discover the dynamics. I'm going to be out-right honest...do not compromise your own children's feelings, etc. to try to make things better. Be honest with your husband and emphasize the need for consistency. No double standards or different rules for different kids. If you apologize too much for what your kids are doing, he will/could see that as a weakness. Or add to whatever guilt you may feel when not deserved. Remember, in the end, YOU are your own children's fiercest protector and provider.

 

This type of conflict is common in blended families. Know this. You two need to seriously sit down and talk about how to get this to work even if it means getting family together to discuss this. I know what I'm talking about....believe me.

[anika99]

I noticed back in March in one thread you called this guy your bf and in another you called him your husband. In this thread you're calling him your husband but I'm guessing he's really just a bf you have moved in with right? By reading your prior threads it seems you hooked up with this guy soon after leaving your husband. Truthfully I think you should move out and spend some time focusing on your yourself and your children. Rescue your other children from their abusive father and then give yourself the gift of being single and standing on your own. Your kids will thank you and you will never regret it.

[Lois_Griffin]

Wait. You don't have custody of your 4 year old and 7 year old sons? Sorry, but that raises a HUGE red flag. Call me sexist, I don't give a crap. When a mother doesn't have custody of her young children, that's a GLARING red flag.

 

I'm the bookkeeper and also going to school full time and will be finishing my business degree in dec. I am also the run around for the kids for school events, sports, school, friends, etc. I'm also the caregiver at home and spend the majority of the time with the children.

Of course you are. Women are always expected to give 200% while also contributing financially. Nothing new there.

 

..so I stopped that then his friends were over here swimming and playing and he was frustrated because they were here and they are not here all the time.

I made then dinner last night and he was frustrated I was feeding them and I get it but it was one time in months and my son is leaving in 2 days for a month to visit my mother and step father in a different state.

For someone who has just about NO involvement at all in any of the kid's lives and certainly doesn't put forth any effort at all to pitch in and do his share, well he sure has a lot to say about things, doesn't he?

 

I feel like I can't get anything right and my son just can't get anything right.

 

But his son can do anything, it's ok for his friends to come over and ride 4-wheelers every where, eat, come in the house, spend the night.

 

There are other things as well. His son can talk to the younger kids however he wants, mine can't. In which I don't think either of them should and I correct mine. He is allowed to eat and keep food in his room and mine can't which I don't want either one of them doing.

When his son was 12 he was allowed to go to his work and mess around with friends and mine can't.

My husbands parents treat our children differently and my son has said several times when going over there that they hate him and he isn't going back. then the other day he wanted to go and my husband was like he isn't going back over there, like a punishment for what he said.

 

Ive tried to bring this up and my husband gets snappy and gets upset because I am making it about my son. And I'm not, I just see a significant difference and it's driving a wedge and causing resentment and I don't want it to get worse. I get being a step-parent is challenging, I am one too, and I'd rather be open and honest and try and make the best of it rather than having it being a wedge.

 

I just don't know what to do because I feel like I can't talk to him. like I said he gets snappy and loud and then it turns into, " I just won't get involved." ugh!

It almost sounds like he married you just to have someone there to raise his kids for him because he clearly doesn't have the time - or the inclination - to want to do it himself. That's just painfully obvious.

 

You've been put in the unfortunate position of daycare provider for him while you do everything else as well.

 

The one I feel most sorry for is your son. He didn't get a choice in this forced situation he's now stuck in. Oh sure, he might have told you it was "ok" by him back when you talked to him about it, but what the hell does an 11 or 12 year old boy really know about blended families? He knows nothing about them.

 

Honestly? I'd seriously re-think this life of servitude you've placed yourself into. And if the other poster in this thread is correct and you're not even married to this guy, I'd be gone tomorrow.

[turnera]

This is unhealthy for your kids. Your H has taken a dominant role and refuses to compromise. And you have, apparently, backed down whenever he confronts you.

 

I suggest you start going to therapy by yourself for awhile and ask the therapist to help you work on your backbone. That's the only way I was ever able to stand up to my husband.

[Blue08]

Thanks for all the advice.

 

As far as the comment goes about me not having custody of my children raising a red flag....

 

We share joint custody w/ their physical address being at their fathers, so they can be in that school district.

 

we didn't go to court, and I do a decent amount of driving whenever I can to spend time w/ them.

 

I get them 3 weekends out of the month during school days, every vacation day off of school, snow days, and sick days.

 

In the summer he has them 2 days of the week.

 

The decision was made in the best interest of the children to remain consistent for their schooling.

[Blue08]

I think I am just going to take everything w/ grain of salt so to speak, I'll decide what my kids need to do and what I am and not ok w/.

 

and if he doesn't like it and says something, i'll just get defensive and snappy as well.

[turnera]

Not a great trait to teach your kids...

 

How about instead you read books about relationships and work on it in therapy and learn to rise above it, and learn to love yourself?

[JoeSmith357-1]

This looks like the sort of things that should have been worked out before you got married to be honest with you.

 

For what it's worth, I find it really odd that you have 3 kids and 2 of them don't live with you full time.

 

To me that would be a red flag too, but again, I would have worked all of that out before I married someone.

 

I have a teenage son, so I know what you are going through with the whole BS teenage angst thing