No_Go Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Is there a common law marriage where you live? If I were you, I'd check what the common law requirements are and just go ahead and have a baby, from what I understand he's ok with the kids plan. I'd feel very off-put to marry someone that I have to ask for it Much better have the house and the baby and call it a day. I even don't see how you'll benefit from marriage in your situation. Btw what's your gut feeling about his lack of desire for marriage? Maybe suggesting a prenup will do it if he's scared for his assets. I have been putting him first. I've never stopped putting him first. But he needs to put me first too, and shutting down and not talking to me about important issues is not putting our relationship first. It needs to be 100/100. I have tried and been so patient and have done everything in his time up until now. My clock is ticking and I want to be married and have children. I don't want to stay with him and give him my everything AND not have children because I waited too long. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 You need to figure out a way to get your money out of that house, move and go find someone who wants to marry you and make babies with you. He doesn't. He's made that quite plain to you and your friends. Staying with him means you're OK with how things are going. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I have been putting him first. I've never stopped putting him first. But he needs to put me first too, and shutting down and not talking to me about important issues is not putting our relationship first. It needs to be 100/100. I have tried and been so patient and have done everything in his time up until now. My clock is ticking and I want to be married and have children. I don't want to stay with him and give him my everything AND not have children because I waited too long. Spring: he's not interested in putting you first. If you want children, get out of this relationship; get out of this mortgage and go find a man who wants what you want and proves it by his consistent action. The guy you're with isn't that guy. He's cool with exactly how things are. Not only that, but he is telling you he expects you to be cool with what he's giving. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Oh I'm getting slightly upset when reading this... Are you a woman? At 33 OP basically have a couple of years to have kids safely (afterwards it is a gamble). She can find a partner anytime, if she wants to she can do this in 50 years when she's in her 80s. But she has 24 months to have a baby. Partner first is a Disney fairy tale. Kids first is a pure biology. If your primary reason for having a husband is to have kids I do not agree with that. MANY women have babies after 35. Perhaps it's not ideal, but it's not like you are going to blow up. My sister had 3 of them (with no man in the picture) way past your imaginary timeline. She's fine (other than the 3 kids with no man ). I understand the biological urge to have kids. I've started to feel it myself (I'm a man). But realistically, throwing away a RL to find some guy who your #1 constraint is to get married and have kids is a recipe for disaster. Have you seen the divorce rate in the US???? How many married couples do you know that are truly happy? How many stay together just "for the kids"? Loving and respecting your partner should be #1 in my book. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I'm 33 and my boyfriend of 3 years in 35. We just bought a home together and have an 8 month old puppy. We have lived together the past 2.5 years and I'm ready for marriage and children. We met when I just turned 30 and I was very open about wanting kids and marriage. He said he was on board and is looking for the same. We moved in after 6 months of dating and after the honeymoon phase it's just not going anywhere. I've tried and tried to talk about where we're going and what his holdup is but he just shuts down and won't talk about it. It's a serious hot topic and we fight anytime it comes up. One of our couple friends just got married after dating 1.5 years and someone asked when we were going to get married and he got super defensive and shut down. He says he gave me the house and puppy and I'm not happy. How does he know if he marries me that I'll be happy then? I want kids... I'm 33. I feel like I'm losing my chance waiting for him but then the other side of me loves him so much and I truly believed he's the love of my life. I can't imagine not being with him. Do I stay and wait longer? Do I tell him I want to sell the house and move on? Do I give an ultimatum? He is 35 not 25, what did he think was going to happen here? He "gives" you a house and a puppy, and so he then expects you to just forget about marriage and kids??? He is stringing you along, and yes, you will lose your chance, if you hang on waiting here. At 33, you cannot afford to waste any more time with this guy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 If your primary reason for having a husband is to have kids I do not agree with that. MANY women have babies after 35. Perhaps it's not ideal, but it's not like you are going to blow up. My sister had 3 of them (with no man in the picture) way past your imaginary timeline. She's fine (other than the 3 kids with no man ). I understand the biological urge to have kids. I've started to feel it myself (I'm a man). But realistically, throwing away a RL to find some guy who your #1 constraint is to get married and have kids is a recipe for disaster. Have you seen the divorce rate in the US???? How many married couples do you know that are truly happy? How many stay together just "for the kids"? Loving and respecting your partner should be #1 in my book. My primary reason for wanting marriage is finding my other half... the masculine to my feminine, building a family, committing to someone for the rest of my life, promising to go through good times and bad times together, being the rock when the other can't be, creating a family and being the best parents for our children, growing old together... that's how I see marriage. Just because I want to talk to my partner about having kids doesn't mean I don't want the whole package and I'm only focused on myself. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I don't have an urge to have kids - just my eggs are aging. I can link you to popular and scientific studies showing the risks of advanced maternal age. 35 is pretty much the cutoff age for low-risk pregnancy (which doesn't mean that ALL pregnancies after 35 will result in miscarriage or fetus with genetic issues, but the risk is significantly higher). If I have to delay maternity for 35+ I'd either 1) adopt or 2) freeze my eggs for later usage. Knowledge is sometimes a burden (I studied biology 12+ years). Else I agree with you kids do not guarantee happy marriage by any means. Same story for not having kids. There is no correlation. Attachment and commitment I think are the main factors for long-term successful marriage. If your primary reason for having a husband is to have kids I do not agree with that. MANY women have babies after 35. Perhaps it's not ideal, but it's not like you are going to blow up. My sister had 3 of them (with no man in the picture) way past your imaginary timeline. She's fine (other than the 3 kids with no man ). I understand the biological urge to have kids. I've started to feel it myself (I'm a man). But realistically, throwing away a RL to find some guy who your #1 constraint is to get married and have kids is a recipe for disaster. Have you seen the divorce rate in the US???? How many married couples do you know that are truly happy? How many stay together just "for the kids"? Loving and respecting your partner should be #1 in my book. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 We moved in after 6 months of dating There was your first mistake. You started shacking up before getting to know him through all four season - a full year - to know if everything would align. Now it hasn't and you have pushed forward with a house and puppy and you wanting even more. It isn't going to happen. He is telling you he is dead inside because he knows - like I think you do - that you both moved too fast into a life neither of you were ready for. Personally, I would call the whole thing quits; sell the house and start the process of moving on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 There was your first mistake. You started shacking up before getting to know him through all four season - a full year - to know if everything would align. Now it hasn't and you have pushed forward with a house and puppy and you wanting even more. It isn't going to happen. He is telling you he is dead inside because he knows - like I think you do - that you both moved too fast into a life neither of you were ready for. Personally, I would call the whole thing quits; sell the house and start the process of moving on. I don't agree with this. There is no set timeline for happiness for everyone. If they took 8 years to move in is that too long? The OP was ready - it appears her guy is not. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Why'd you buy the house together? Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 There was your first mistake. You started shacking up before getting to know him through all four season - a full year - to know if everything would align. Now it hasn't and you have pushed forward with a house and puppy and you wanting even more. It isn't going to happen. He is telling you he is dead inside because he knows - like I think you do - that you both moved too fast into a life neither of you were ready for. Personally, I would call the whole thing quits; sell the house and start the process of moving on. A slightly different perspective, but since you moved in just after 6-months and he agreed AND you bought the house....I wonder if he was planning that result all along. I can't help think that he was hoping to secure a situation where you find yourself in now, OP. Supporting him...ugh. Have you given all the details to your lawyers? His lack of support from the start? BTW, your child is very young. Most experts will tell you that staying in a dysfunctional relationship is worse than divorce for kids. Don't use that as an excuse to remain in this situation. I see things getting worse... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 Why'd you buy the house together? He says he wants marriage and kids. Some day. I guess I was thinking this was the order he was comfortable with. Link to post Share on other sites
kolleamm Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 People on here make it sound so easy to quit a relationship. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 This man is not your Mr Right. Mr Right for you would be a man who shares your life goals of marriage and parenthood. Your current partner has made it plain that he does not share your desire for marriage and children. You aren't compatible on a very basic and important level. If you do want marriage and then children, you do not have a lot of time to pussyfoot around. In two years, you will be medically classified as a "geriatric pregnancy". At 35 and again at 40, fertility naturally decreases, making conception more difficult without medical intervention. At those ages, your risk for maternal complications during pregnancy and delivery increase. Your risk of having a baby with a genetic defect increases. Your risk of miscarriage and stillbirth also increases. Frankly, it's fish or cut bait time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Sorry about my reference to staying in a relationship b/c of children. I'm reading/focusing on two threads at once. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 People on here make it sound so easy to quit a relationship. For some of us, it is. We recognize incompatibility and see no reason to continue to waste time on a relationship that cannot succeed, so we humanely euthanize it and move on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Namasteppl Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 No wonder he doesn't want to marry you. All you see him as is a means to an end. To you, he's nothing more than a tool to help create babies. Smh. Link to post Share on other sites
Namasteppl Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Also, let's say you convince him to have kids. In the future, he'll just grow resentment for you which can boil over and lead to divorce and a broken home for the kids you want so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 No wonder he doesn't want to marry you. All you see him as is a means to an end. To you, he's nothing more than a tool to help create babies. Smh. This is not true. I 100% believed this was the man I was meant to marry. We started off communicating and now 3 years in there's no communication. I'm in love with this man and want this with him but without communication I don't know what to do and I'm simply running out of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 Also, let's say you convince him to have kids. In the future, he'll just grow resentment for you which can boil over and lead to divorce and a broken home for the kids you want so much. He says he wants kids and marriage but only says "someday." When he's asked (by me or anyone else) he gets really weird. It's not like I'm trying to convince him that he wants kids... I'm just trying to talk to him about our timelines and that's when the red flags go up. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 No wonder he doesn't want to marry you. All you see him as is a means to an end. To you, he's nothing more than a tool to help create babies. Smh. Women wanting to have kids and get married is not new, it is why most are in LTRs with men who want the same, only this man seems to have changed his mind. He is thus a waste of her time as they are no longer compatible. At 33, she cannot afford to hang about with a guy who doesn't want the same as she does i.e. marriage and kids. There is only a short window in a woman's life when having kids is a possibility. He has all the time in the world, he can father kids at 80, she will start to struggle in a few years time. As he appears to not want to discuss the problem, then she has to take stock here and move on. Also, let's say you convince him to have kids. In the future, he'll just grow resentment for you which can boil over and lead to divorce and a broken home for the kids you want so much. And that is another reason she needs to break up with him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 OP you still have plenty of years left to have children- don't panic. If you break up with him, he might come back with a ring....it's like an unspoken ultimatum. Because he probably doesn't want to lose you. Some men are just like this- paralyzed by fear of marriage. Are any of his friends married? I notice when one guy in the group takes the plunge, another one follows, and then they all follow. But if all of his friends are single, you're in trouble. I don't think you should wait around for him to figure this out. He either wants a life with you or he doesn't. After three years and buying a house together, he knows who you are and knows what to expect. He should be excited to begin a life with you and marry you. You want a guy who's excited to have children with you, thinks you'll be an amazing mother, etc. I'm sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 OP you still have plenty of years left to have children- don't panic. If you break up with him, he might come back with a ring....it's like an unspoken ultimatum. Because he probably doesn't want to lose you. Some men are just like this- paralyzed by fear of marriage. Are any of his friends married? I notice when one guy in the group takes the plunge, another one follows, and then they all follow. But if all of his friends are single, you're in trouble. I don't think you should wait around for him to figure this out. He either wants a life with you or he doesn't. After three years and buying a house together, he knows who you are and knows what to expect. He should be excited to begin a life with you and marry you. You want a guy who's excited to have children with you, thinks you'll be an amazing mother, etc. I'm sorry Almost all of his friends are married. As are mine... and most of them have children too. This is so hard. I love him so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 OP you still have plenty of years left to have children- don't panic. And thank you for this. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 And thank you for this. You need to sit down and talk and call him out for shutting down on you and find figure out what is going on with him. Given the fact his buddies are now all married and having kids, what's holding him back? Maybe he feels he doesn't love you anymore..... Maybe there is something he has seen changed in you he doesn't like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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