Should I wait for the ring... or leave??

[SpringAngel83]

You need to sit down and talk and call him out for shutting down on you and find figure out what is going on with him.

 

Given the fact his buddies are now all married and having kids, what's holding him back?

 

Maybe he feels he doesn't love you anymore.....

 

Maybe there is something he has seen changed in you he doesn't like.

 

I wish I knew.

[AMJ]

You need to sit down and talk and call him out for shutting down on you and find figure out what is going on with him.

 

 

Oh yeah...because it always works so well when we pressure men to talk about things they DO NOT want to talk about, thus why they shut down in the first place.

 

Seriously though, people say not to give ultimatums but he's put you in this position, especially since he won't talk about it. You kinda have to lay it all out for him, whatever method of communication he will best absorb- maybe write a letter that he can read on his own? Tell him how you feel, that you can't wait. It really sucks he put you in this position. To keep the relationship going this long, buy the house together, knowing all along that you wanted marriage. It's not right.

[SevenCity]

Oh yeah...because it always works so well when we pressure men to talk about things they DO NOT want to talk about, thus why they shut down in the first place.

 

Seriously though, people say not to give ultimatums but he's put you in this position, especially since he won't talk about it. You kinda have to lay it all out for him, whatever method of communication he will best absorb- maybe write a letter that he can read on his own? Tell him how you feel, that you can't wait. It really sucks he put you in this position. To keep the relationship going this long, buy the house together, knowing all along that you wanted marriage. It's not right.

 

Very true. Another thing you have to realize about some guys (I'm like this) is if things are going well they can be afraid to change.

 

Angel - You saw my thread. My timeline for marriage was behind hers. It didn't mean I didn't want to and faced with losing her if I knew about her timeline I would have happily taken the next step. He's getting much more than I did - you are telling him.

 

I really hope this ends up with you getting married. All these people (women) who say he'll never get married don't know. If a guy is faced with an issue at work that if he doesn't correct he'll get fired, he will usually correct it.

 

Change can be scary.

[JoeSmith357-1]

People on here make it sound so easy to quit a relationship.

 

I'm hardly one to talk when it comes to that, but something so huge of a step like buying a house together is something that is sobering for anyone who has ANY doubts...

[Namasteppl]

Women wanting to have kids and get married is not new, it is why most are in LTRs with men who want the same, only this man seems to have changed his mind. He is thus a waste of her time as they are no longer compatible.

At 33, she cannot afford to hang about with a guy who doesn't want the same as she does i.e. marriage and kids.

There is only a short window in a woman's life when having kids is a possibility. He has all the time in the world, he can father kids at 80, she will start to struggle in a few years time.

As he appears to not want to discuss the problem, then she has to take stock here and move on.

 

 

 

And that is another reason she needs to break up with him.

 

Exactly. Her main goal is ring and kids. It doesn't matter who the man is. As long as she gets her ring and kids. The man is just a means to an end for her.

[SpringAngel83]

Exactly. Her main goal is ring and kids. It doesn't matter who the man is. As long as she gets her ring and kids. The man is just a means to an end for her.

 

You really just don't get it.

[BlueIris]

OP, your BF does not want marriage and children. Since you do, leave him.

 

You've been open and honest and he isn't on board. Just know that you are right to take the action necessary to make the life you want to live.

[AMJ]

Exactly. Her main goal is ring and kids. It doesn't matter who the man is. As long as she gets her ring and kids. The man is just a means to an end for her.

 

If that were the case she likely would already be married with kids. She's 33, not 23.

It's not like it's that difficult to get pregnant and married.

[SpringAngel83]

I've been proposed to before. I've had opportunities before. They weren't the one I wanted to marry & build a family with. I believe in this man. He's amazing... and that's why I've given him 3 years of my life. Please be respectful as I haven't been disrespectful.

[joseb]

Thank you all... this is helping me process this. I think it's time for me to walk away. If he lets me go I haven't wasted anymore of my time... if he doesn't let me go he's going to need to open up to me. It's time for either/or.

 

I think you are doing the right thing. To me, him saying he is "empty inside" says a lot. I don't think he is really into the whole relationship, never mind the kids/ring.

[mortensorchid]

Hon, this ain't gonna happen. He's not ready. Why? I don't know, but he's not. You want one thing, he wants another (whatever that is). This is painful to accept, but he's going to break it off eventually rather than you.

[TXGuy]

...explained I'm not going to wait forever and all he said was, "well if you're planning on leaving me within the next 6 months you need to tell me."

 

Like a boss!

 

Regardless of whether you think this line he said was 1.) mean, or 2.) the coolest thing I've heard today... at least he made his position perfectly clear.

 

It seems like this should be all you need to know.

[SpringAngel83]

I highlighted the parts that stood out the most for me. Of course this is all a guess, but this is all I can do. OK, so you fight each time you bring this stuff up. To me, I get the sense that your BF feels like you are nagging him about it now. Do you bring it up often? It doesn't matter what the subject is, if a guy feels like he is being nagged, he is gonna shut down. Also, with you constantly bringing up marriage and babies, like he mentioned, it makes him feel like you aren't happy. This will give a guy the impression that is just how you are, unhappy. To him, why should he marry an unhappy woman? Like he hinted to you, he doesn't think that marriage will make you happy either. To him, marrying an unhappy woman is just waiting for the inevitable divorce. I bet he is just sitting around now, waiting for you to walk out.

 

Best way to get a guy to marry you? Be happy. Show him what kind of awesome wife you can be. Your method can't even convince a dude to take out the trash.

 

We just had a big talk and he's pissed off at me. I went out with the girls and talked about my feelings and I came home probably pissed off and I think I took it out on him. He finally blew up and told me all these feelings that I never heard before and then I got happy because I heard them but he got pissed because I guess maybe I was a bitch. Now I feel horrible and I'm at the bar by myself having a pity party. Maybe I'm a bad woman. I don't know what the hell to do. He has the power to make me so happy and he also has the power to make me so sad I just wish you would choose to make me happy more often.

[enddeck]

Please for your own sake do not get pregnant with this man.If he shuts down when you are trying to discuss anything of importance imagine what life will be like with a child involved.You want to discuss anything with him and he just walks out of the house and goes to a bar,you will be on your own a lot!

I have my own problems but there are no children involved just a wife who runs away from any discussion about our relationship.I always wanted kids but when I see my marriage now I realise it would have been a terrible mistake to have them with my wife.You need to leave this guy and see does he fight to get you back,if not then at least you know he is not for you.

[AMJ]

Men kinda want a few simple things from women. We want a woman we can be proud of. That can be different things to different guys. Maybe one guy just wants a really hot woman. Maybe another guy wants a woman that treats him really well. Most guys kinda want a girl who has a bit of both. What we all agree on though, is we want a woman that makes us confident that she will stick around. A woman that is always complaining to us about something, we figure she just isn't happy, and is probably gonna go. From my experience, women who complain about one apsect of the relationship, thinking that will make them happy, they are wrong. They just aren't happy, and they think or hope that one thing will make her feel better. In your case, that is getting married. I'm guessing your BF thinks that you will get married, and you won't feel any different. Still unhappy. In that case, why bother?

 

 

This isn't fair to say to her. She is completely happy in the relationship, which is why she wants to marry him in the first place. She wants the same thing that most women want, marriage. He has led her on, to believe he wants the same thing. She's waited a few years, been patient. Now she's questioning if he wants the same thing. She is happy with him. She wants to get married, that does not make her needy or insecure. She is happy- his insecurity, his indecisiveness, his lack of communication is making her question the relationship. How can you not see that the problems here are coming from him?

 

It's not like they started dating three years ago and the guy said- yeah i never want to get married. They bought a house together. Come on.

[elaine567]

This isn't fair to say to her. She is completely happy in the relationship, which is why she wants to marry him in the first place. She wants the same thing that most women want, marriage. He has led her on, to believe he wants the same thing. She's waited a few years, been patient. Now she's questioning if he wants the same thing. She is happy with him. She wants to get married, that does not make her needy or insecure. She is happy- his insecurity, his indecisiveness, his lack of communication is making her question the relationship. How can you not see that the problems here are coming from him?

 

It's not like they started dating three years ago and the guy said- yeah i never want to get married. They bought a house together. Come on.

 

I agree, it cannot be a surprise to him.

Woman who said at the start she wants marriage and kids, 3 years later now wants marriage and kids.

She wants to start putting words into action.

His response - shuts down completely.

 

It was not as if she was likely to change her mind was it?

A house and a dog is great but is not really a substitute for marriage and a family is it?

Yes, those trappings may be a precursor to getting married, but here despite being now 35, he doesn't want to discuss marriage and that is where it all gets worrying. If he was 25, I could understand the reticence, but at 35? Time is marching on.

 

Someday?

Someday I will climb Everest.

Is it likely to happen?

No chance.

[elaine567]

I went through the same thing. Except I went on to hit the 5 year mark. I had promises, plans, etc. He was on board, many open chats about our future. He kept saying he need more time. But marriage and kids with me was what he wanted, definitely. Without a doubt. Anytime we passed the time he said he needed I would chat with him, but they turned into fights, like yours. Then boom he left for whatever reason I wasn't his one. He strung me along and waisted my time. Which I had begged him not too. He did. And had no remorse.

 

This same ex met someone else months later, engaged after a year and just recently got married.

 

That is not an uncommon story unfortunately.

[morrowrd]

You say you love him....yet if you don't get your ring soon, you're considering leaving. I'm not so sure about that L word then, because there's that part, what do you do with it? You have a house, a puppy, a stable life, you're pretty much living the married part without it being official. How good is your communication I'd like to know? Do you actually have deep conversations, ones where you both open up, these conversations over time should be enough to give you an idea about his history, and where you would understand his snail's pace towards marriage. I rarely recommend counseling because I believe it's over prescribed but in your case, a mediator who could help guide you both into those deep regions of this relationship, would be helpful. The alternative is you will build up resentment over this not willing to cement the relationship, the respect in the relationship will be affected, and thus the relationship itself.

 

It's worth it to find out, at least that's how I see it. Especially because right now, you are in love. Protect that or the whole thing's in trouble.

[ExpatInItaly]

We just had a big talk and he's pissed off at me. I went out with the girls and talked about my feelings and I came home probably pissed off and I think I took it out on him. He finally blew up and told me all these feelings that I never heard before and then I got happy because I heard them but he got pissed because I guess maybe I was a bitch. Now I feel horrible and I'm at the bar by myself having a pity party. Maybe I'm a bad woman. I don't know what the hell to do. He has the power to make me so happy and he also has the power to make me so sad I just wish you would choose to make me happy more often.

 

What did he say?

[lana-banana]

Not that you need another voice telling you this, but the ring isn't coming. Anyone who shuts down in conversations and whose response to a marriage discussion is "let me know if you plan to break up" is not going to propose, period. Right now you need to someome who is guaranteed to listen to you---namely, a lawyer who will help deal with the mortgage.

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't agree with this. There is no set timeline for happiness for everyone. If they took 8 years to move in is that too long?

 

The OP was ready - it appears her guy is not.

The guy TOLD Spring that he's 'dead inside.'

 

What woman stays with a man who claims to be DEAD inside????

 

That's her cue to LEAVE.

[Lois_Griffin]

He has the power to make me so happy and he also has the power to make me so sad I just wish you would choose to make me happy more often.

And that's because you love him much more than he loves you. The one who loves the least has the most power.

 

Any man you have to beg to marry you or have kids with you or even TALK to you is someone you're wasting your time with.

 

He says 'one day' he wants marriage and kids, but I don't think he means with you.

[phineas]

And that's because you love him much more than he loves you. The one who loves the least has the most power.

 

Any man you have to beg to marry you or have kids with you or even TALK to you is someone you're wasting your time with.

 

He says 'one day' he wants marriage and kids, but I don't think he means with you.

 

the fact she wants marriage and kids with a guy like this makes me wonder if like others said the ring and kids is more important to her.

 

She reminds me a lot of my ex.

Once she got married and we had a kid she started cheating.

Together 3yrs no problems.

Married 1.5 yrs and she has a secret BF.

She ended it with him to have a second kid with me.

She wanted a daughter and got two boys and wanted to keep having kids until she had a daughter. She was actually depressed that our second was going to be a boy. WTF?

I didn't want to have more than two kids because children are expensive and we were barely scraping buy as it was with two.

 

Then she started back up again with the same guy.

Left me for him and had another kid with him. another boy.

She is still a miserable person.

[elaine567]

There are too many stories of men who duck out of marriage and this man is not acting like a man with a plan, he is acting like a man who is happy with a live in gf and a puppy.

On being confronted, he is telling her "What more do you want?".

He is doing a classic duck.

 

That is why women like this are upset, the man she loves has stalled the relationship, the relationship she thought would smoothly transition to marriage has taken a side step and that is very unsettling.

To add insult to injury far from reassuring her that things are going to plan and that they are going to get married and suggesting a date, he is instead shutting down all communication.

He has let her down, he is in effect stringing her along and no amount of love on her part will alter that.

[ses]

My sister's ex was like the OP's partner — they shared an apt and several dogs together for 5 years. We always expected him to propose and he shuffled his feet until she decided it was futile and ended it. He begged her to reconsider and told her he'd finally marry her but she was smarter and moved on to someone else. He was a nice guy but she deserved someone who took her needs into consideration and was on the same page. She's now married and a mother

 

I had talked to anothe guy who divorced his ex because she didn't want to have children. I know it may sound extreme but these are issues of basic compatibility. Unless you or your partner are willing to compromise it's better and healthier to pursue separate avenues.

 

Someone should tick all your important boxes — not just a few. I may love someone but if they're a habitual liar or gambler I'm not going to ignore that red flag due to love. It's your own personal values.