Author SpringAngel83 Posted July 27, 2016 Author Share Posted July 27, 2016 OP, would you be willing to get pregnant by the end of the year as you and your partner agreed -- without the proposal? With him I would. Link to post Share on other sites
joyful Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 (edited) With him I would. i am not sure that i could seriously contemplate breaking up with my love months after we purchased a home together... since much of this concerns your biological clock and your becoming a mother, why not turn your attention to family planning with your partner? Edited July 27, 2016 by joyful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 In a high majority of situations, a man has everything to lose while the woman has everything to gain in a divorce. This is a very logical excuse as to why a man would not want to get married. If you love a man and he says "no" to marriage, what the heck is the big deal? If a man is in a relationship and the woman gives an ultimatum demanding marriage, that man needs to leave. Asap.. As if women don't contribute anything to the marriage? Get someone to cook clean and take care of your children 24/7 and see how much that will cost you for 30 years Utterly selfish to just think "I'm losing half my money" . Yeah don't forget she didn't charge you anything for taking care of the family Link to post Share on other sites
joyful Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 As if women don't contribute anything to the marriage? Get someone to cook clean and take care of your children 24/7 and see how much that will cost you for 30 years Utterly selfish to just think "I'm losing half my money" . Yeah don't forget she didn't charge you anything for taking care of the family i have been married twice -- and, sadly, divorced twice. the costs are high for all involved... i do think there is something to be said for making a life and having a family with the right person, which was not the case with either of my husbands... Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 i have been married twice -- and, sadly, divorced twice. the costs are high for all involved... i do think there is something to be said for making a life and having a family with the right person, which was not the case with either of my husbands... Yes the cost for divorce are high, for moth parties, and not all of them show in a monetary way. It's unfair to say only men suffer from it. Because you don't see money doesn't mean it doesn't cost women anything 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joyful Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 Yes the cost for divorce are high, for moth parties, and not all of them show in a monetary way. It's unfair to say only men suffer from it. Because you don't see money doesn't mean it doesn't cost women anything agreed! also, women do suffer monetarily, especially those raising children as single parents. let's be honest -- ex-husbands are not necessarily known for paying all alimony and child support once they have moved on... divorce is hard for all involved. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 With him I would. Has he indicated he is willing to have children with you (in concrete terms, not "sure, kids might be nice someday")? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 He's "dead inside"? Sounds like wonderful father material. Yike. I would move on. If he doesn't want it as much as you do, that's a dealbreaker. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 With him I would. How can you even consider having children with this man! He said he wanted marriage and kids and changed his mind. How can you trust him to stand by you through parenthood!? How can you trust he won't change his mind again while your pregnant? How can you trust he won't change his mind in 2 or 3 years in and leave you alone with raising a toddler? Because mister feels empty inside si he changed his mind!!! Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 With him I would. DO you know if he would want to do that? When was the last time you talked about kids (not marriage) As to all the back and forth about marriage and divorce and how expensive it is and who loses more....well if it's as bad for women then why get married. Both have much to lose, mostly to lawyers. I certainly never will. It's not like it makes much difference anyway. Maybe someone stays longer if married out of fear of losing $. Sounds like lose lose. If you love someone you will stay, regardless of a piece of paper. Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 DO you know if he would want to do that? When was the last time you talked about kids (not marriage) As to all the back and forth about marriage and divorce and how expensive it is and who loses more....well if it's as bad for women then why get married. Both have much to lose, mostly to lawyers . Because the joy of love and family and kids outweighs heaps the fear of the lost of money. besides who says they are 100% going to divorce ? I don't think I will definitely divorce my future husband. In my country if you live together for that long everyone is entitled to half of the assets no matter you have a piece of paper or not. So yeah, that piece of paper really doesn't matter Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 All this business of a proposal having to come from the man and on his timeline does my head in. It's like we haven't progressed from the days when a woman was her father's responsibility and then handed over to her husband. In these more enlightened days, I can't figure out why more marriages don't come about from open planning between the man and woman, reflecting both their needs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 The sign of a good woman here. This is the sort of thing a man likes to see. Relationship has problems, and instead of bolting, she decides to help her man work though his problems, stand by him, and he then knew this was a woman he never wanted to live without. Congrats, Cupcakes. But you're forgetting that this poster had to "force" her man to tell her what the problem is before she could help him through it. Isn't this pushing for an answer the thing you found so objectionable in the OPs post? Let's be clear - the OP wasn't nagging for a date - she was nagging for some type of communication on the matter. I'm sure the OP would also help her guy through problems if he actually told her what the problem is. However, we can't help someone who refuses to let us in. I mean, even if the OP's partner had simply said "I'm not ready to marry and I don't know why", at least it's something for them to work with. Her nagging is born of frustration at him refusing to communicate. Had he openly communicated how he was feeling at the start, she wouldn't have felt the need to nag to try and get him to open up. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 Don’t worry OP, there are lots of men in their 30’s who are not pessimistic and fearful. Lots of them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 I see both OP and OP's BF issues. I would do the following in her case: 1) evaluate if I want to stay with the guy 2) if so freeze my eggs and give at least an year from the day of house buying to bring marriage/kids topic again 3) if not leave him now, freeze my eggs and start looking for a new BF (freeze eggs in this case as well because the bare minimum to get to kids-worthy stage with a new man is an year from now, I.e she'll approach the dreaded 35). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 I see both OP and OP's BF issues. I would do the following in her case: 1) evaluate if I want to stay with the guy 2) if so freeze my eggs and give at least an year from the day of house buying to bring marriage/kids topic again 3) if not leave him now, freeze my eggs and start looking for a new BF (freeze eggs in this case as well because the bare minimum to get to kids-worthy stage with a new man is an year from now, I.e she'll approach the dreaded 35). Freezing is an excellent idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 Freezing is an excellent idea. Yeah, it will relieve pressure to marry. Also she'll know learn actual fertility (ovarian reserve status) in preparation for the procedure. Negative: it is pricey to do and maintain. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Yeah, it will relieve pressure to marry. Also she'll know learn actual fertility (ovarian reserve status) in preparation for the procedure. Negative: it is pricey to do and maintain. I'm curious of the hazards still apply if the eggs were made prior? Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 I'm curious of the hazards still apply if the eggs were made prior? Could you explain your question? If I'm understanding correctly what you ask, the age of freezing determines the risk, not the age of pregnancy. Uterus age slowly. Pregnancy at 45 with her eggs frozen at 33 will have similar (low) risks for genetic defects as a pregnancy at 33 Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Could you explain your question? If I'm understanding correctly what you ask, the age of freezing determines the risk, not the age of pregnancy. Uterus age slowly. Pregnancy at 45 with her eggs frozen at 33 will have similar (low) risks for genetic defects as a pregnancy at 33 Risk is low and the successful rate is also low. Let's say the egg successfully developes in to an embryo. But A single Embryo would just have a 20-35% change of developing into a pregnancy. Not to forget the procedure isn't all that pleasant. 1. Inject hormone stimulation medicines for 2 week so you can have enough eggs. If you don't have enough eggs, keep injecting meanwhile experiencing bloating and all that PMS like symptoms. 2. Once you have enough eggs, undergo an operation with sedation to get them out. Cost in my country is like 10k straight then couple hundred every year till you get pregnant. I don't know, it's a big sacrifice. I hope OP's man is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 (edited) If she doesn't think he is worth it, then she shouldn't be considering marriage and children with him anyway. If you ask me, no man is worth it. Ok, unless he has cancer or something. Or he is fighting for our country? But normally, no. And if a man is willing to let his girl undergo this surgery just so he can figure out what he wants, on please..SMH. I'd do it for myself, but sure not for anybody else. If OP wants to do it for him, good luck. Edited July 29, 2016 by frus69 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 >>So he basically said that lately he feels like I don't care about him anymore and all I care about is marriage & kids... just like a few people have said on this thread. And he's terrified of divorce and I don't seem happy now so I won't be happy married either.<< Notice above where I quoted the OP. Her BF told her what was going on, and it is precisely what I have been saying all along. I can only assume you missed that post of hers. This post was referring to what he said when she recently pushed him to open up. I think we can all agree that it's a complete mess now - and probably beyond saving. However, if you go back to the OPs first post, you will see where she said " I've tried and tried to talk about where we're going and what his holdup is but he just shuts down and won't talk about it. " Her desperation and nagging is a result of him NOT opening up a lot earlier. Instead of opening up at the start, he's dug his heels in and not communicated. As a result, she's gotten frustrated and upset, nagged him to bits and now they are both miserable. In the recent post where you complimented the writer, you have a woman who also wanted answers and pushed for them - but a guy who gave her the info she needed before it all spiralled out of control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Could you explain your question? If I'm understanding correctly what you ask, the age of freezing determines the risk, not the age of pregnancy. Uterus age slowly. Pregnancy at 45 with her eggs frozen at 33 will have similar (low) risks for genetic defects as a pregnancy at 33 Yea that's what I was wondering. I wasn't sure if the late age pregnancy issues discussed here are a result of the egg or the woman's body. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Say the chance is 20%. If you extract 20 eggs, you still have 4 embryos surviving which is a lot. 20 eggs per stimulation is about average (my friend did it on the older side, at 36-37 and still got 16 eggs as first yield). Side effects are unpleasant I'm sure but not even close to the discomfort of pregnancy and birth (the surgery is just a big needle that punctures the wall of the vagina and aspirates the eggs; not even laparoscopy). But you're right for the money, here is even more expensive. The thing is it will be for HER, not for her man. If she leaves him as of today, and say find another man in few weeks, she'll be 33.5 at the start of this new relationship. I think 12 months is the bare minimum of relationship to consider reproducing: 34.5. 6 months attempts: 35. And that's considering the new guy is amenable enough to desire kids with a woman that he met 12 months ago. It is flipping coins. IMO her chances are better with the current guy if she chooses the natural way. Risk is low and the successful rate is also low. Let's say the egg successfully developes in to an embryo. But A single Embryo would just have a 20-35% change of developing into a pregnancy. Not to forget the procedure isn't all that pleasant. 1. Inject hormone stimulation medicines for 2 week so you can have enough eggs. If you don't have enough eggs, keep injecting meanwhile experiencing bloating and all that PMS like symptoms. 2. Once you have enough eggs, undergo an operation with sedation to get them out. Cost in my country is like 10k straight then couple hundred every year till you get pregnant. I don't know, it's a big sacrifice. I hope OP's man is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Say the chance is 20%. If you extract 20 eggs, you still have 4 embryos surviving which is a lot. 20 eggs per stimulation is about average (my friend did it on the older side, at 36-37 and still got 16 eggs as first yield). Side effects are unpleasant I'm sure but not even close to the discomfort of pregnancy and birth (the surgery is just a big needle that punctures the wall of the vagina and aspirates the eggs; not even laparoscopy). But you're right for the money, here is even more expensive. The thing is it will be for HER, not for her man. If she leaves him as of today, and say find another man in few weeks, she'll be 33.5 at the start of this new relationship. I think 12 months is the bare minimum of relationship to consider reproducing: 34.5. 6 months attempts: 35. And that's considering the new guy is amenable enough to desire kids with a woman that he met 12 months ago. It is flipping coins. IMO her chances are better with the current guy if she chooses the natural way. I don't think her chances are high with the current man if she wants natural birth. She literally said "this relationship is not going anywhere after 6 months" and "he is dead inside." "He doesn't initiate sex anymore" etc etc But, it doesn't matter what I think, I noticed OP hasn't come back for dayssssss. Maybe she has made up her mind already, whatever it is 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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