Should I wait for the ring... or leave??

[Gaeta]

Still hanging on, aren't ya? Point is, the OP's BF actually said what the problem was, and like the poster I complimented, it took a bit of encouraging to get it out of him. You claimed he did not say what he was thinking, but my quote of the OP's original post clearly shows that he did say what he was thinking, and it was pretty much what I suggested.

 

Desperation and nagging is one way to approach a problem, and one I would not suggest. Sitting down with someone and approaching a subject like an adult is another. If your partner does not feel ready to talk about it at that time, you let them know how important it is to you, and that you need to have that discussion. No need to keep bringing it up after that.

 

The attitude the OP has about marriage and children is what lead her Bf to think that is what she cares about most. I understand this feeling of his well, because it is something I have seen in many women these days.

 

And that justifies him shutting down? Would you qualify his reaction to her nagging is adult? How much time of 'not nagging' will he need? another 3 years?

 

If you look at the chronology of her story she did not nag him for marriage and kids for 3 years. They started on the same foot at the beginning, he said be wanted marriage and kids as well.

 

Then as their relationship started escalating he started to back away from the marriage and kids plan.

 

After 3 years together she wants an update on their marriage and kids plan, she is justified to have an update, and he shuts down?? can't have a real conversation about it?

 

Let me remind you this man is 35 YO. If he had a clock it would be ticking already. He does not care for marriage and kids otherwise he would be all over it already.

 

Giving him more time is ridiculous. He's not a 20 year old kid. He is a grown man of 35 in a 3 year relationship. He needs to sh$t or get off the pot!

[Itspointless]

Let me remind you this man is 35 YO. If he had a clock it would be ticking already.

Men have a biological clock too regarding fertility, it just is less known.

[SwordofFlame]

Men have a biological clock too regarding fertility, it just is less known.

 

Freezing sperm doesn't seem too inconvenient.

[Itspointless]

Freezing sperm doesn't seem too inconvenient.

:laugh:

[BluEyeL]

The talk about frozen eggs etc. is a bit extreme. OK, there are extreme ways to go about this and about having kids in general. Single mothers by choice, freeze your eggs and wait for some guy to marry you until you're 45 etc.

 

I say that it's much simpler to always do what is best for you and don't allow others to use you or treat you less than great. It's just one life. It goes fast. Don't sacrifice it for people who don't deserve sacrifice. Don't be afraid to be free and put yourself first. People who put others first always are co-dependent and end up resentful and abusive to those very people that they sacrificed for.

 

The only thing I regret is staying too long in relationships (romantic or otherwise) and wasting years on people who didn't deserve it. People with high self esteem don't do that.

 

As for the biological clock, I don't know, but I'm in my 40s and I don't see myself with babies anymore, even if I could. Every stage of life should be done at their right time. In your 40s and beyond you just enjoy life after having done the kid rearing, the career etc. Sure, you can start over anytime, but I don't see it as ideal.

 

I would not marry this man because I'd be afraid not only that I'd end up divorced, with or without kids to take care of, but that I'd feel unsupported and alone in a marriage with someone that entered it halfheartedly.

[elaine567]

I would not marry this man because I'd be afraid not only that I'd end up divorced, with or without kids to take care of, but that I'd feel unsupported and alone in a marriage with someone that entered it halfheartedly.

 

Agreed, he is just not on board with the whole marriage thing and yes the OP could force him to marry her eventually, or she could trap him with an oops pregnancy or emotionally blackmail him into tying the knot, BUT he is just going to resent that and she is never going to experience the closeness in a marriage that she no doubt wants,

 

If they are not singing from the same hymn sheet at the start, then hoping

that he will be singing from the same hymnsheet later on, is a forlorn hope.

[Trinity_84]

OP, if you've found someone you truly believe is a good partner for you, for all intents and purposes, who is committed and caring, keep in mind you are still responsible for your OWN life regardless.

 

By that, I mean that you need to keep living your life, learning to enjoy the present moment and being at peace with where you are in your life. I understand having a family is a big deal to you, but nothing is written in stone, not every woman has children. Not everyone gets married. These are both possible future scenarios in your life. If you believe having a family/children will somehow "complete" you, then maybe you are lacking something within yourself?

 

Whether your partner is on the same boat on marriage/kids is yet to be determined. Your partner is a human being and his life plan - or lack thereof - is respectable too. You're both going through a rough patch (your "clock ticking", his feeling too much pressure due to all these life changes...)

 

(Let's understand not ALL men move quickly when they want something, and not ALL men string women along within a status quo, some men are emotionally exhausted after big life changes. Some men really just do not know what they want! Some men freeze when big decisions like these come about. Some men never change, but some do...)

 

So, for the moment keep being yourself, build a life for YOURSELF that you are at peace with and proud of. Everything in the relationship will fall into place after that. Whether it's a separation or further commitment, if you have your self esteem high in place and you are proud of your choices and yourself and your life, whatever the outcome is, you'll be OK.

 

 

Sometimes we focus too much on the stuff we want and forget about we do HAVE!

 

I hope that you find a resolution that benefits both of your lives. But mostly I hope that you learn to enjoy your relationship FULLY (without the lingering pressure of marriage/children). Perhaps once that subject stops being an elephant in the room it will happen naturally (whether with this partner or another one).

[No_Go]

I think freezing eggs is not much more extreme than paying for health insurance. It is just a measure to ensure that she will be able to have kids even if her reserve is over.

 

Blue, you start dating after divorse/kid. That's completely different life situation. Say OP starts dating a new guy now. She'll still be 35 by the relationship is semi-established (1-1.5 years).

 

I'd personally never think of having kids with a dude before knowing him for a full year.

 

Also their house together is their only worthy asset so they don't have much to lose even if they divorce (btw who enters marriage thinking for divorce? that's bleak).

 

Moving to another man does not guarantee he will be any better. She can access that only after months/years. So it is kind of a flip-a-coin solution. Her current guy she loves according to her.

 

Oh and btw career doesn't end in the 40s, don't scare me I spent all my 20s acquiring degrees, so I really want more than a decade to enjoy some returns;)

 

The talk about frozen eggs etc. is a bit extreme. OK, there are extreme ways to go about this and about having kids in general. Single mothers by choice, freeze your eggs and wait for some guy to marry you until you're 45 etc.

 

I say that it's much simpler to always do what is best for you and don't allow others to use you or treat you less than great. It's just one life. It goes fast. Don't sacrifice it for people who don't deserve sacrifice. Don't be afraid to be free and put yourself first. People who put others first always are co-dependent and end up resentful and abusive to those very people that they sacrificed for.

 

The only thing I regret is staying too long in relationships (romantic or otherwise) and wasting years on people who didn't deserve it. People with high self esteem don't do that.

 

As for the biological clock, I don't know, but I'm in my 40s and I don't see myself with babies anymore, even if I could. Every stage of life should be done at their right time. In your 40s and beyond you just enjoy life after having done the kid rearing, the career etc. Sure, you can start over anytime, but I don't see it as ideal.

 

I would not marry this man because I'd be afraid not only that I'd end up divorced, with or without kids to take care of, but that I'd feel unsupported and alone in a marriage with someone that entered it halfheartedly.

[Zapbasket]

Here's something I have learned from experience:

 

You can only deal with and respond to what happens in the present, in a relationship. It never works to ignore problems in the present thinking they will improve automatically with time. What OP has NOW is a guy who shuts down when she tries to open the floor for communication about where the relationship is headed. She has a guy who is saying he is "dead inside."

 

She can't wait indefinitely hoping that with no communication, they'll somehow end up on the same page. Nor can she "know" that if she leaves this guy, that everything will be hunky-dory for settling down and raising a family with someone else in the future. There aren't ANY guarantees. She has to look at what is right now and decide whether it's acceptable to her, or not.

[Itspointless]

I've tried talking to him and asking him. I get no answers. He just gets mad and shuts down... says he's "dead inside." I'm regretting buying the house now.

I see the words 'dead inside' often repeated. But seriously what does it mean here? Does he have a mid-life crisis, is he depressed, does he have problems at work? I only read about her frustrations even immediately after the above sentence. Has she asked 'hon, what is the matter? Do you want to talk about it?' Yes he shuts down, but still does he shut down because she did not stop about what she wanted or because he is unable to communicate? There is too little information about these things in this thread.

[AMJ]

I say that it's much simpler to always do what is best for you and don't allow others to use you or treat you less than great. It's just one life. It goes fast. Don't sacrifice it for people who don't deserve sacrifice. Don't be afraid to be free and put yourself first. People who put others first always are co-dependent and end up resentful and abusive to those very people that they sacrificed for.

 

The only thing I regret is staying too long in relationships (romantic or otherwise) and wasting years on people who didn't deserve it. People with high self esteem don't do that.

 

So, so, true.

 

What's most painful about wasting years on someone who doesn't deserve it, is the toll it takes on your self-esteem to shut out your own heart, silence your emotions, to protect his. You're doing so much work, fighting so hard to keep this man who isn't giving you half of the effort or respect that you're giving him. You want to be with someone who treasures your love, not someone who is afraid of it. He thinks he's done his part in the relationship because he got a puppy. It sounds like buying the house was a business decision, not a romantic one.

 

I think he feels like he doesn't deserve you, that's why he thinks he can't make you happy. It's not because you want marriage. I know that what you really want more than anything is to understand what's going on in his head so you can fix this. I've been there. It's so painful to be in love with someone who doesn't communicate- to put you through this hell of trying to read his mind. Even if he does marry you, you do not want a life with a person like that. He is always going to shut you out when things get hard.

[Sunkissedpatio]

The fact that you fight and cannot talk about the next step leads me to believe he is feeling pressured because he doesn't want that.

 

When a couple is on the same page they typically talk about getting married and they both agree they want it and then the ring comes up on its own next without a fight, without stress, without any taunting on your part. The talk is sufficient.

 

If after 3 years together you can't talk about that....I wouldn't stick around. Why in the world would you buy a house with him without a ring/plans to marry first?

[TXGuy]

Because the joy of love and family and kids outweighs heaps the fear of the lost of money. besides who says they are 100% going to divorce ?

 

Exactly. It's only a ~50% chance (in the US).

[SpringAngel83]

Well I'm back now... I was overwhelmed with all of the information so I let everything go and just relaxed for a while. Let things happen. We've had good times and bad times lately... and now I've done something stupid.

 

Lately he put a fingerprint lock on his phone and seemed very secretive. Against my better judgement (and I NEVER do this) I looked at his phone. (The backup password is the same as our Netflix account.) His ex girlfriend texted him (who he was with for 6 years and has never been respectful of our relationship) to let him know she is coming in to town and he never told me. Also he's been looking her up on FB daily.

 

I feel like such a fool snooping around. That's not me. This is not me. I was looking for an answer and now I'm even more confused. I admitted to him that I looked and what I had found. He said he didn't tell me because it would only upset me, so there was no point. (She's coming in to town to go to a baby shower I'm going to as well so it would be nice to know. She tried to come between us in the beginning of our relationship a few times. Sending pictures and calling and sending I miss you texts, etc.)

 

I do trust him. I don't think he was planning on cheating. Now he's super pissed at me for going through his phone. And rightfully so. I feel like crap for doing it. I don't know what to do now. I keep apologizing for invading his privacy but it feels weird to take all the blame.

 

Talk about making things worse. Sheesh! I'll never do that again.

[SpringAngel83]

So, for the moment keep being yourself, build a life for YOURSELF that you are at peace with and proud of. Everything in the relationship will fall into place after that. Whether it's a separation or further commitment, if you have your self esteem high in place and you are proud of your choices and yourself and your life, whatever the outcome is, you'll be OK.

 

 

Sometimes we focus too much on the stuff we want and forget about we do HAVE!

 

I hope that you find a resolution that benefits both of your lives. But mostly I hope that you learn to enjoy your relationship FULLY (without the lingering pressure of marriage/children). Perhaps once that subject stops being an elephant in the room it will happen naturally (whether with this partner or another one).

 

This is great advice. I need to stop overthinking everything and just enjoy my life as it is today. I have a great life and I need to be more grateful.

[SpringAngel83]

Lately my boyfriend of 3 years (we live together, just bought a house) put a fingerprint lock on his phone and seemed very secretive. Against my better judgement (and I NEVER do this) I looked at his phone. (The backup password is the same as our Netflix account.) His ex girlfriend texted him to let him know she is coming in to town and he never told me. (He was with her for 6 years and she has never been respectful of our relationship) Also he's been looking her up on Facebook daily.

 

I feel like such a fool snooping around. That's not me. This is not me. I was looking for an answer and now I'm even more confused. I admitted to him that I looked and what I had found. He said he didn't tell me because it would only upset me, so there was no point.

 

She's coming in to town to go to a baby shower I'm going to as well so it would be nice to know. She tried to come between us in the beginning of our relationship a few times. Sending him pictures and calling and sending I miss you texts, etc.

 

I do trust him. I don't think he was planning on cheating. Now he's super pissed at me for going through his phone. And rightfully so. I feel like crap for doing it. I don't know what to do now. I keep apologizing for invading his privacy but it feels weird to take all the blame.

 

What do I do now?

 

Backstory: We've been going through a rough patch lately regarding marriage and kids. He's 35 and I'm 33. We haven't been able to communicate well and I'm starting to overthink everything.

[Atticus9292012]

Its good you told him, but this is something that can really kill trust. How would you feel if he did that to you? Maybe tell him you want to have a sit down and discuss why you felt the need to do that and explain how bad you feel about it. I am not saint. I have done that in relationships, but it was at the end when I knew it was time to end it. Mutual trust and respect was lost. If you don't trust or respect your partner's privacy, its time to get out. If you guys have fundamental differences on marriage and children, you may not be compatible long term. Its a tough pill to swallow, but those are very personal decisions and you cannot just expect someone to change those views.

[Dis]

Well I'm back now... I was overwhelmed with all of the information so I let everything go and just relaxed for a while. Let things happen. We've had good times and bad times lately... and now I've done something stupid.

 

Lately he put a fingerprint lock on his phone and seemed very secretive. Against my better judgement (and I NEVER do this) I looked at his phone. (The backup password is the same as our Netflix account.) His ex girlfriend texted him (who he was with for 6 years and has never been respectful of our relationship) to let him know she is coming in to town and he never told me. Also he's been looking her up on FB daily.

 

I feel like such a fool snooping around. That's not me. This is not me. I was looking for an answer and now I'm even more confused. I admitted to him that I looked and what I had found. He said he didn't tell me because it would only upset me, so there was no point. (She's coming in to town to go to a baby shower I'm going to as well so it would be nice to know. She tried to come between us in the beginning of our relationship a few times. Sending pictures and calling and sending I miss you texts, etc.)

 

I do trust him. I don't think he was planning on cheating. Now he's super pissed at me for going through his phone. And rightfully so. I feel like crap for doing it. I don't know what to do now. I keep apologizing for invading his privacy but it feels weird to take all the blame.

 

Talk about making things worse. Sheesh! I'll never do that again.

 

Hi Hun! I've been following this thread but I never chimed in.

 

I'm so sorry this happened sweetie

 

I'm going to be honest though...2 things....he's been pretty checked out of the relationship for quite some time...that combined with this new development with his ex.....this makes me think something is going on with his ex. Maybe he's cheating, maybe he's planning on it.

 

Where theres smoke there fire. I've been with a cheater before...he was checked out of the relationship too....not alot of sex....shady behavior....the signs were all there I just failed to see them

 

Hun, pls know that I'm not saying this to hurt you and I'm so sorry things got worse but I think you need to face the music. She could be the reason why he's been so checked out. There really could be something going on there...and tbh...I wouldnt be surprised if there is

 

Yes you were wrong for going through his phone...but you should not be taking all the blame here. He stepped over some boundaries here...considering she tried to come between you two before. One of the classic behavioral signs a cheater displays is shifting the blame off of him and onto you...he's guilty of something

 

I'm sorry hun but the writing is on the wall....he's cheating in some way or planning to cheat

 

I think this relationship has run its course

[Giaesquire]

I'm with you on the general rule of never snooping. Still, on this occasion, you felt that weird little feeling in your gut that told you something wasn't right. Sure, you should have talked to him instead of looking in his phone, but I think what you found is more at issue than the fact you went looking. He is in the wrong here. I would be very uncomfortable in that situation, and I'm very trusting. He's not just talking to an ex; he's talking to an ex and lying to you about it. The first thing you two must do is talk-and talk and talk- until you each know where the other stands. I hope it all works out for you!

[Gaeta]

This is break-up time.

 

This re-enforced everything I was suspicious about this man.

 

35 yo man still keeping in touch with an ex, keeping it a secret from you and her advising him she is coming in town! C'mon!! Why would you let an ex know you are coming into town if not to see them?

 

You did nothing wrong. You are not the type of women checking their boyfriend's message each day. You are a young grounded woman looking out for herself. You were suspicious and checked ! Good for you!

 

He is mad because he got caught. Nothing less.

[Dis]

Hun I responded on your other thread so I'll repeat myself here

 

First off, I'm sorry things got worse sweetie I know you were trying to be hopeful

 

I followed your other thread but never chimed in....but considering the serious problems you and your bf were facing before....and this new development....the writing is on the wall...

 

He's cheating or planning on cheating

 

He's been checked out emotionally for quite some time now...he even said before he "feels dead inside"

 

This all could be tied into his relationship with his ex

 

I've been with a cheater before....he was checked out too..not alot of sex either (just like your and your bf)...shady behavior....all the signs were there I just didnt see them

 

The honest truth is...what you discovered on his phone is probably just the tip of the iceburg....theres probably alot more he's hiding from you

 

The signs are all here hun

 

Yes, you were wrong for snooping but he also has a part to play in this. He crossed some serious boundaries considering she tried to come between you two before. Cheaters always divert the blame from them to you. He's guilty of something

 

He's checked out and has been for awhile = He's cheating or planning on cheating

 

Like I said the writing is on the wall....its time to face the music....if this relationship wasnt dead before...it sure is now

 

Pls know hun, I'm not saying this to hurt you. I'm just trying to shake you awake. I know it can be so hard to see the light through the trees but I think its time for you to take your leave

[Redhead14]

You're beating a dead horse. Tell him you're moving on because there are no common goals.

[No_Go]

I disagree Gaeta. A 35-year old man should be able to see his ex on a PUBLIC event (baby shower!) without being blamed into cheating. What's the deal here? If my bf snoops at my phone messages, I'm out. No matter who I'm chatting with. They've been together 3 YEARS, snooping is grossly disrespectful to a long-term partner and shows lack of boundaries and lack of trust.

 

This is break-up time.

 

This re-enforced everything I was suspicious about this man.

 

35 yo man still keeping in touch with an ex, keeping it a secret from you and her advising him she is coming in town! C'mon!! Why would you let an ex know you are coming into town if not to see them?

 

You did nothing wrong. You are not the type of women checking their boyfriend's message each day. You are a young grounded woman looking out for herself. You were suspicious and checked ! Good for you!

 

He is mad because he got caught. Nothing less.

[SpringAngel83]

I know what I did was completely wrong. It feels wrong. I believe in trust and communication. I think without any communication lately I've been left overthinking everything and it's driving me crazy. I wanted an answer so I looked. Doesn't make it ok. Just how things led up to this point.

 

He told me it was all innocent after I confronted him about it and I believe him. I don't think her intentions were innocent and I think he knows that too, which is why he decided not to tell me. (This is what my gut tells me.) He's been looking at her profile on FB daily out of curiosity. Is she in town? What's she doing? I don't think he would throw our relationship away over her.

 

(He won't be at the baby shower, btw. Only I will be.)

 

This all stems from my confidence in our relationship that was established in the beginning. I do trust him.

 

He's mad at me now, and he has every right to be. I'm hoping this will lead to an open and honest conversation about where we're going. Or it will be the end. I truly believe it will be one or the other now.

[Dis]

I disagree Gaeta. A 35-year old man should be able to see his ex on a PUBLIC event (baby shower!) without being blamed into cheating. What's the deal here? If my bf snoops at my phone messages, I'm out. No matter who I'm chatting with. They've been together 3 YEARS, snooping is grossly disrespectful to a long-term partner and shows lack of boundaries and lack of trust.

 

I hear what your saying No Go and I respect your opinion but given the OP's history with her bf...its clear he wasnt planning on meeting up with his ex for an innocent meeting at a baby shower. He was going behind her back and crossing boundaries...and god knows what else

 

He's been checked out for awhile...this isnt an innocent, "just want to say hi" to the ex type of thing

 

I do agree with you that once a partner snoops on their SO...the relationship is over as this type of invasion of privacy is a reflection of a lack of trust...or not trust at all

 

To be fair to the OP, I dont think she has a reason to trust him...I wouldnt. She found out this info for a reason...its the universe telling her this relationship is no offically dead. If this was the only issue they had in their relationship I might be willing to cut him some slack but they have a slew of issues going on...this is just the straw thats about to break the camal's back