Should I wait for the ring... or leave??

[No_Go]

OP it was a mistake but I believe he can forgive that mistake if he's the right man for you. You're together 3 + years - it is human and normal for both of you to 'fail' here and there, that's why you're committed to stay together in better or worse.

 

The fb stuff ... I still check people that I haven't been in touch from years/decades, out of curiosity. It is dumb but human action.

 

You're right - you may use the opportunity to discuss where you're going in this relationship. Hope you get your answers.

 

 

I know what I did was completely wrong. It feels wrong. I believe in trust and communication. I think without any communication lately I've been left overthinking everything and it's driving me crazy. I wanted an answer so I looked. Doesn't make it ok. Just how things led up to this point.

 

He told me it was all innocent after I confronted him about it and I believe him. I don't think her intentions were innocent and I think he knows that too, which is why he decided not to tell me. (This is what my gut tells me.) He's been looking at her profile on FB daily out of curiosity. Is she in town? What's she doing? I don't think he would throw our relationship away over her.

 

(He won't be at the baby shower, btw. Only I will be.)

 

This all stems from my confidence in our relationship that was established in the beginning. I do trust him.

 

He's mad at me now, and he has every right to be. I'm hoping this will lead to an open and honest conversation about where we're going. Or it will be the end. I truly believe it will be one or the other now.

[Dis]

I know what I did was completely wrong. It feels wrong. I believe in trust and communication. I think without any communication lately I've been left overthinking everything and it's driving me crazy. I wanted an answer so I looked. Doesn't make it ok. Just how things led up to this point.

 

He told me it was all innocent after I confronted him about it and I believe him. I don't think her intentions were innocent and I think he knows that too, which is why he decided not to tell me. (This is what my gut tells me.) He's been looking at her profile on FB daily out of curiosity. Is she in town? What's she doing? I don't think he would throw our relationship away over her.

 

(He won't be at the baby shower, btw. Only I will be.)

 

This all stems from my confidence in our relationship that was established in the beginning. I do trust him.

 

He's mad at me now, and he has every right to be. I'm hoping this will lead to an open and honest conversation about where we're going. Or it will be the end. I truly believe it will be one or the other now.

 

OP, I really wouldnt feel that bad about snooping if I were you

 

He was going behind your back doing god knows what...therefor you had a reason to snoop

 

If he was inoccent I'd put the blame on you...but because he's betraying your trust....the blame belongs to him

[No_Go]

Dis, sure - he gave her reasons to distrust him...

Unfortunately they are both reinforcing this distrust.

 

They are a common-law couple with joined mortgage - it is not a simple decision just to break up and leave. It sounds like a case for couple's counseling so they can make informed decision what's the best way to proceed.

 

I hear what your saying No Go and I respect your opinion but given the OP's history with her bf...its clear he wasnt planning on meeting up with his ex for an innocent meeting at a baby shower. He was going behind her back and crossing boundaries...and god knows what else

 

He's been checked out for awhile...this isnt an innocent, "just want to say hi" to the ex type of thing

 

I do agree with you that once a partner snoops on their SO...the relationship is over as this type of invasion of privacy is a reflection of a lack of trust...or not trust at all

 

To be fair to the OP, I dont think she has a reason to trust him...I wouldnt. She found out this info for a reason...its the universe telling her this relationship is no offically dead. If this was the only issue they had in their relationship I might be willing to cut him some slack but they have a slew of issues going on...this is just the straw thats about to break the camal's back

[Kamille]

Why do you want to get married to a guy who is so uncommunicative that you find yourself snooping on his phone? Marriage won't make him a more present or communicative partner.

 

I know you've invested 3 years in this guy and are attached to him. But finding yourself doing an action you find reprehensible is a sure sign you are not thriving in this relationship.

[elaine567]

 

I know you've invested 3 years in this guy and are attached to him. But finding yourself doing an action you find reprehensible is a sure sign you are not thriving in this relationship.

 

The Sunk Cost trap.

Do you have a suit or dress in the closet that you haven't worn for years but you are reluctant to get rid of it? You say, “I can’t throw that away because I paid good money for it?” Or you have magazines and books that have been accumulating in your crowded apartment but you won’t discard them because you say, “I’ll get around to them some time when I have the time?”

 

Or you might find yourself in a dead-end relationship but you say, “I can’t give it up because I have already put in three years and I have to make it work out”? You justify “riding a loser” or getting stuck on what you already have because you fear that walking away would mean that you wasted your time or money, you made a mistake, people will now say, “I told you so”, or you will then conclude, “I must be bad at making decisions because this one didn’t work out”.

 

If you recognize any of this in yourself then you are suffering from commitment to sunk costs. You are trying to recover your investment by holding onto it because you cannot accept it is no longer working.

[Dis]

Dis, sure - he gave her reasons to distrust him...

Unfortunately they are both reinforcing this distrust.

 

They are a common-law couple with joined mortgage - it is not a simple decision just to break up and leave. It sounds like a case for couple's counseling so they can make informed decision what's the best way to proceed.

 

I would agree that couples counseling would be wise. It would be hard for the OP to leave because of the house they share...but...hes been pretty uncommincative for awhile....counseling is only effective if both parties are willing to communicate. One of the problems they had was his unwillingness to talk to her and have an open, honest convo

 

I'm not sure counseling will serve a purpose now

[SpringAngel83]

Why do you want to get married to a guy who is so uncommunicative that you find yourself snooping on his phone? Marriage won't make him a more present or communicative partner.

 

I know you've invested 3 years in this guy and are attached to him. But finding yourself doing an action you find reprehensible is a sure sign you are not thriving in this relationship.

 

He hasn't always been this closed off! I think maybe buying the puppy/house made it all too real for him and it shut him down? Or it made him realize he doesn't want marriage/kids anytime soon? Or he doesn't think I'm the one? I don't really know... but I've had 3 great years with this man where we moved forward and things were good.

[Dis]

He hasn't always been this closed off! I think maybe buying the puppy/house made it all too real for him and it shut him down? Or it made him realize he doesn't want marriage/kids anytime soon? Or he doesn't think I'm the one? I don't really know... but I've had 3 great years with this man where we moved forward and things were good.

 

Hun, I'm just going to call a spade a spade here

 

He's cheating on you or he's planning to

 

The relationship was barely breathing before....its dead now

 

I'm really dont mean to be harsh hun but you need to know when to walk away....now would be the time

[No_Go]

Maybe it has to do with the stress of buying the house?

 

I had a rough couple of months after moving in with my BF, just I wasn't feeling at ease at all with the new 'lack of private space' (although we have had 2 beedroom appartment and before moving in we already spend 5 nights a week in his place). Now I just can imagine that the stress in 100x higher if you have a joined mortgage instead of rent!

 

If he's willing to open up - maybe good counselor will find a way. But as Dis said, if he's not willing to cooperate at this point, you'd just be spending money for nothng...

 

He hasn't always been this closed off! I think maybe buying the puppy/house made it all too real for him and it shut him down? Or it made him realize he doesn't want marriage/kids anytime soon? Or he doesn't think I'm the one? I don't really know... but I've had 3 great years with this man where we moved forward and things were good.

[Grapesofwrath]

Spring: What exactly did her text to him say? And did he respond? If so, how? Do they keep in touch regularly as far as you know?

 

My take is that you are right: she reached out to him to further her own agenda. She knows she will see you at the shower, so she doesn't need to tell him she's in town. You would tell him she's in town. So it was a maneuver on her part to gain some direct communication with him. That's on her. What's on him is how he responded.

 

I think his daily FB check on her is worrisome. We all check out the exes once in a while, but doing so daily indicates a heightened level of interest in her daily activities, not just an idle curiosity about how life has gone lately.

 

Snooping is definitely not on the top 5 list of great girlfriend behaviors. We all know this. But I think you did it because you feel insecure, unsure, and your gut is telling you that something is not right. His position of being "shut down" only adds fuel to the fire of your suspicions. I do think you showed yourself well by confessing and apologizing, and I don't think it's all on you. I think he needs to step up now and engage in some honest dialogue. Counseling might help. Or a bottle of tequila might do it, too.

[SpringAngel83]

Spring: What exactly did her text to him say? And did he respond? If so, how? Do they keep in touch regularly as far as you know?

 

My take is that you are right: she reached out to him to further her own agenda. She knows she will see you at the shower, so she doesn't need to tell him she's in town. You would tell him she's in town. So it was a maneuver on her part to gain some direct communication with him. That's on her. What's on him is how he responded.

 

I think his daily FB check on her is worrisome. We all check out the exes once in a while, but doing so daily indicates a heightened level of interest in her daily activities, not just an idle curiosity about how life has gone lately.

 

Snooping is definitely not on the top 5 list of great girlfriend behaviors. We all know this. But I think you did it because you feel insecure, unsure, and your gut is telling you that something is not right. His position of being "shut down" only adds fuel to the fire of your suspicions. I do think you showed yourself well by confessing and apologizing, and I don't think it's all on you. I think he needs to step up now and engage in some honest dialogue. Counseling might help. Or a bottle of tequila might do it, too.

 

Her text said something like "Hey I wanted to let you know I'm coming in to town for so-and-so's baby shower. I know your gf will be there so I hope we can be friendly." He said, "maybe even BFFs... we're all adults after all." and that was it. He was very respectful in his response.

 

I think she was hoping for him to ask her to meet up and he didn't. What concerns me is him not telling me and checking her fb page daily. Did he want to leave the door open just in case? Or am I just being paranoid?

 

As far as I know they do not keep in regular contact. They did in the beginning of our relationship but she kept pushing the boundary and I told him I wasn't comfortable with him talking to her anymore. So he stopped.

[SpringAngel83]

Maybe it has to do with the stress of buying the house?

 

I had a rough couple of months after moving in with my BF, just I wasn't feeling at ease at all with the new 'lack of private space' (although we have had 2 beedroom appartment and before moving in we already spend 5 nights a week in his place). Now I just can imagine that the stress in 100x higher if you have a joined mortgage instead of rent!

 

If he's willing to open up - maybe good counselor will find a way. But as Dis said, if he's not willing to cooperate at this point, you'd just be spending money for nothng...

 

We've lived together for 2.5 years now so I wouldn't think so. Our finances are tighter now so I know that's been some added stress.

[Dis]

Springangel

 

The following is the behavior of a cheating man (your bf)

 

-Shut down, distant, uncommunicative

 

-Doesnt initate sex with you, and has sex with you much less often

 

-Suddenly decides after years of being with you he doesnt want kids or marriage...and doesnt give you an explaination as to why

 

-Texting another woman (his ex) behind your back and acts defensively when questioned

 

-Checking up on this woman's fb page daily

 

Like I said...the writing is on the wall

[h0000]

Wow, if your BF were any decent he would have called it off, because he has both mentally and physically checked out. He should not keep you around drag you down waste your time. He doesn't even communicate I don't now why you keep blaming yourself for his behaviour .

 

By the way , did you check his fb message? If he looks her up every day, they probably talk on Facebook instead. I don't believe he is innocent because innocent people don't act discrete. Don't put password all of a sudden and don't keep secret , don't get overly offensive . I believe they either talk somewhere else or he deletes important messages

Edited August 22, 2016 by h0000

[Gaeta]

"maybe even BFFs... we're all adults after all." and that was it. He was very respectful in his response.

 

What kind of answer is that??? AS IF you'd want to be BFF with her. To me that is him giving her an invitation to get closer to HIM.

 

And with her history of interfering in your relationship at the beginning, this is unacceptable on his part in too many ways.

[Dis]

What kind of answer is that??? AS IF you'd want to be BFF with her. To me that is him giving her an invitation to get closer to HIM.

 

And with her history of interfering in your relationship at the beginning, this is unacceptable on his part in too many ways.

 

I agree. His reponse had some flirty undertones....and....was not respectful

[Gaeta]

I disagree Gaeta. A 35-year old man should be able to see his ex on a PUBLIC event (baby shower!) without being blamed into cheating. What's the deal here? If my bf snoops at my phone messages, I'm out. No matter who I'm chatting with. They've been together 3 YEARS, snooping is grossly disrespectful to a long-term partner and shows lack of boundaries and lack of trust.

 

No_Go: I am usually a big advocate of letting our partner maintain a respectful relationship-contact with an ex. This time it's different. This ex tried to break them up at the beginning of their relationship and too many inconsistencies are adding.

 

And she did not snoop for 3 years. She snooped because too many things felt wrong. Women need to look out for themselves. I figured out my ex was a serial cheater by snooping. My snooping was justified. Women have to stop being dummies in the name of 'trust'.

[LaurenP15]

It sounds like you BF doesn't know what he wants and the reason he agreed with your marriage & baby plan is because he didn't want to lose you.....at the time. Honestly, it sounds like he's just stringing you along until something better comes along or until he figures out what he wants. You are there as his safety net. For him to say to give him six months notice if you're going to leave him is both rude and disrespectful to you, and you are kidding yourself if you think he loves you. If I were you, I would reiterate my feeling/wants/needs to him for the last time and if he does not feel the same or on the same track, I would move on. If this doesn't wake him up, chances are, he doesn't want the things you want.

 

Good Luck!

[h0000]

He's been looking at her profile on FB daily out of curiosity. Is she in town? What's she doing? I don't think he would throw our relationship away over her.

 

(He won't be at the baby shower, btw. Only I will be.)

 

 

 

He's mad at me now, and he has every right to be. I'm hoping this will lead to an open and honest conversation about where we're going. Or it will be the end. I truly believe it will be one or the other now.

 

 

So he want to know he ex's out and about everyday. Nice.

Oh I'd be watching the ex at the baby shower. I wouldn't be surprised she leaves early to meet up with your BF.

And all cheaters get mad when get caught by the way. Not sure they have every right to be.

 

 

After 20+ pages of advices if you are still not listening, then I guess, good luck.

[Grapesofwrath]

Things any better today?

 

I don't know your man, so it's hard to say if his reply is in keeping with his usual tone. Either way, he didn't take the bait, and that's a good thing.

 

I agree the FB thing is worrisome. How many days did he look? When the dust has settled, that would be a good topic of conversation. To talk about looking at ex's on FB.

 

I know many others have suggested that you just kick him to the curb. And I have been known to hang on a little longer than most. But I think that love is not that easy to find. It's worth at least trying to sort it out with him. If it can't be worked out, then you end it. You are still young. But you've got to know that you tried as hard as you could.

[CarrieT]

I disagree Gaeta. A 35-year old man should be able to see his ex on a PUBLIC event (baby shower!) without being blamed into cheating.

Of course he should - but it should be done with full disclosure, not hidden (like he did) with having to change his password (which he did).

 

What's the deal here?

The big deal is that he was hiding the correspondence with an Ex.

[Shining One]

And she did not snoop for 3 years. She snooped because too many things felt wrong. Women need to look out for themselves. I figured out my ex was a serial cheater by snooping. My snooping was justified. Women have to stop being dummies in the name of 'trust'.

This is a very slippery slope. I've been cheated on in the past. Would this justify me using my immense technical knowledge to keep tabs on my girlfriend all of the time? I think not.

[SpringAngel83]

This is a very slippery slope. I've been cheated on in the past. Would this justify me using my immense technical knowledge to keep tabs on my girlfriend all of the time? I think not.

 

To be fair it was one time. Not all of the time.

[Toodaloo]

Spring. Right at the beginning folks told you this guy is wasting your time.

 

Well now it seems as though he is probably wasting your trust too.

 

Honey have some respect for yourself and just put your foot down.

 

Its time to say No.

 

No you will not accept this behaviour.

No you will not sit around pandering to his wants, needs and desires while ignoring your own "just in case" he proposes.

No you will not cower in the corner and act the sap.

 

Yes you are in control of YOUR life

Yes you make the decisions that make you happy

Yes you will get up and leave and find someone more worthy of your efforts

Yes you are strong

Yes you will be happy...

 

Think Beyonce...

 

If he liked it then he should have put a ring on it...

[Gaeta]

This is a very slippery slope. I've been cheated on in the past. Would this justify me using my immense technical knowledge to keep tabs on my girlfriend all of the time? I think not.

 

I specifically said OP did not snoop for 3 years. She did so when too many things didn't add up. Now you come on here and interpret it as I justify spying on a BF or GF all the time. C'mon!