Gaeta Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 After 20+ pages of advices if you are still not listening, then I guess, good luck. Unfair statement. If she needs 40 pages we'll give her 40 pages. We all process our personal drama differently. This is not about a BF not putting the lid back on tooth paste. This is about a 3 year relationship and about being owners together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 (edited) < moderator note: we've moved a handful of off-topic posts to another thread that was started about snooping in a relationship. The missing posts can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/592576-snooping-your-significant-other > Edited August 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I highly doubt it he'll ditch her just after buying a HOUSE with her;) She's nervous and he's uncommunicative, but I really can't understand where you're reading signs that he'll leave her: 1) he bought a house TOGETHER with her 2) he got a puppy for BOTH of them 3) they are living together for 2.5 years It will take him a HUGE effort to leave even if he wanted to. I very highly doubt that he'll cause himself this discomfort even if we're maximally cynical and say he's out of love with her. Men are more practical and all the practical elements here scream commitment, not break up. It would not be the first time someone thinks that buying a house together and getting a puppy is what they need to rekindle their feelings. How many couples make babies to 'save' their relationship. So the house and puppy isn't any type of guarantee to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 It would not be the first time someone thinks that buying a house together and getting a puppy is what they need to rekindle their feelings. How many couples make babies to 'save' their relationship. So the house and puppy isn't any type of guarantee to me. I agree... hell some couples get married to "save" a failing RL. Clearly, something's up. Between this and everything else OP's posted, I don't see this ending well for her at all! Best of luck though OP... hope you guys can work it all out somehow, and jmo I don't think continuing to acquiesce to him is serving you any worthwhile purpose whatsoever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I don't know many men that will come forward during one of those 'confrontation' and say: yes I am thinking of cheating. Even with hard evidence of their cheating, some will still deny, deny, deny. Gaslighting is a very common tactic used by people who are cheating. Confrontation only works if the other is compliant, if not then you might as well confront the wall for all the good it will do you. I do not see anything wrong in a suspicious partner snooping. Too much is made of trust in relationships and the myth that if you love them then you need to trust them implicitly. There is trust and there is blind and foolish trust. If you ignore the signs because you "love" them and because people in love trust each other completely, then you are going to get sadly disappointed, when that trust is betrayed. If your gut is screaming that something is wrong, listen to it, do not put your fingers in your ears and go lalalalala... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 It would not be the first time someone thinks that buying a house together and getting a puppy is what they need to rekindle their feelings. How many couples make babies to 'save' their relationship. So the house and puppy isn't any type of guarantee to me. It just makes it messier from what I can tell. You end up with a dog in a shelter, messed up kids and accepting a lower price on your house just to get rid of the other person so you can move on... Apparently "playing Golf" and "work" are in the top five excuses when people are having affairs... Anyway I digress. OP I hope you are OK. Good luck with this one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 Here is a radical view OP: You are a grown woman who is responsible for her own happiness and future. Why are you waiting for him to determine YOUR future? Empower yourself. Propose to him. If he says no, you have your answer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted August 24, 2016 Author Share Posted August 24, 2016 Well my aunt unexpectedly passed away yesterday. I'm going down to stay with my parents for a few days and do what I can to help. We were very close. My bf has been extremely supportive and caring. He called me a few times yesterday to check on me. Then I came home to a home-cooked dinner, my favorite wine, and a rose. He was fully present and held me while I cried. I don't know. I can't think about our relationship drama right now but I'm glad to have his support through this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 Well my aunt unexpectedly passed away yesterday. I'm going down to stay with my parents for a few days and do what I can to help. We were very close. My bf has been extremely supportive and caring. He called me a few times yesterday to check on me. Then I came home to a home-cooked dinner, my favorite wine, and a rose. He was fully present and held me while I cried. I don't know. I can't think about our relationship drama right now but I'm glad to have his support through this. Very sorry for your loss dear. Put all this relationship questioning on hold for now. If he is supportive of course accept his kindness, he cares a great deal for you I am sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 I'm so heartbroken. We broke up last night. It was an ugly ugly fight. We've just been fighting so much and he holds grudges over stupid little things I've apologized for and won't talk to me about the things that are important to me. I think I'm doing the right thing but this hurts so bad. This is so hard. I wish he would come upstairs and fight for me. But I know he won't. He's been done for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I am so sorry, SpringAngel - but I believe you know (after 22+ pages) that the break-up is the right thing finally. It needed to end sometime ago and you held on longer than you probably should have. We are here for you while you process.... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 Really sorry to hear about your losses, a death of a closer relative and breakup all in the same week is too much. You did the right thing and I am glad you didn't follow the advice to propose to him. In my view it is a terrible idea to do that as a woman. A guy doesn't not ask to marry you because he doesn't know how to ask you or is waiting for you to ask him, he doesn't because he isn't wanting that at that time. Having said that you should never have to ask a man to ask you either, if he isn't doing it knowing what your desires are, it's time to move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I'm so heartbroken. We broke up last night. It was an ugly ugly fight. We've just been fighting so much and he holds grudges over stupid little things I've apologized for and won't talk to me about the things that are important to me. I think I'm doing the right thing but this hurts so bad. This is so hard. I wish he would come upstairs and fight for me. But I know he won't. He's been done for a while. Very sorry to hear this but if he can't be bothered you are better off finding someone who can. Good luck and give yourself time. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I am very sorry sweetie. I know it feels like the end of the world right now but in time you'll understand it was for the best. You will meet that special guy that will give is all to you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I'm so frustrated because I just want to understand him... and no he doesn't give me a straight answer on anything at all. He said he wants kids and marriage in the beginning of our relationship... I'm wondering now if he's changed his mind. I want marriage then kids ideally. I feel that if I'm bringing children into this world they deserve a family bond. Married parents who are truly committed. He knows that's where I stand so if he cares about me at all I would think he'd let me go if he doesn't want those things anymore. At least I would hope so. I'm curious why you would buy a house with this man before you were married. Now you are talking about having a child with him whether you are married or not. Why do you keep doing things that married people do when he won't marry you? You would actually have a child with a man who doesn't want to marry you? Do you think that will make you happy? I have to be honest; he doesn't seem like he wants to marry you at all. Don't wait for him to let you go. Make up your own mind about your life and whether this is panning out the way you wanted it to. If not, leave and take your life back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 I'm curious why you would buy a house with this man before you were married. Now you are talking about having a child with him whether you are married or not. Why do you keep doing things that married people do when he won't marry you? You would actually have a child with a man who doesn't want to marry you? Do you think that will make you happy? I have to be honest; he doesn't seem like he wants to marry you at all. Don't wait for him to let you go. Make up your own mind about your life and whether this is panning out the way you wanted it to. If not, leave and take your life back. I see now I'm an idiot for holding on for so long. I thought he'd come back to me. Thought he had a weird hangup on marriage that he'd get over. I see now he's emotionally unavailable and he'll never let me in. Day 2 of the break up. Not gonna let him see me cry. Gotta stay strong through this. I deserve better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I see now I'm an idiot for holding on for so long. I thought he'd come back to me. Thought he had a weird hangup on marriage that he'd get over. I see now he's emotionally unavailable and he'll never let me in. Day 2 of the break up. Not gonna let him see me cry. Gotta stay strong through this. I deserve better. Who cares if he sees you cry? You're human, you have feelings. It's perfectly fine to be sad, and it's perfectly fine if he knows you're hurt. I am sorry you've had such a hard time lately, first with the loss of your aunt and now this. I went through something quite similar a few years back when my grandmother passed and my 7.5-year relationship ended. You have my sympathy in a big way. Believe me when I say it's better to call it a day on this relationship. It wasn't going to end the way you'd hoped. It hurts a lot now, but you will see a brighter morning someday soon. Keep coming here to write and vent. We're here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I'm so heartbroken. We broke up last night. It was an ugly ugly fight. We've just been fighting so much and he holds grudges over stupid little things I've apologized for and won't talk to me about the things that are important to me. I think I'm doing the right thing but this hurts so bad. This is so hard. I wish he would come upstairs and fight for me. But I know he won't. He's been done for a while. I am sorry SpringAngel. Do not mind letting him see you having emotions. He probably can learn from it. Be kind to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 SpringAngel... first off I am very very sorry that you are hurting, but not surprised it ended. It had been a long time coming. Second, you say you wish he would "come upstairs" and fight for you. SA, why are you still living in the same house? You have broken up, either he or you should leave. ASAP. Are there friends or family you can stay with temporarily? Or perhaps HE should leave since he ended it. In any event, continuing to live together will only cause more pain and prevent you from accepting it and moving on. You can work out division of assets later. Wishing you the best as you move forward. hugs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 You should be mad at him. He knew for a long time, since 6 months in, that he didn't want marriage and kids. He knew it was your main goal, STILL he mislead you when buying a house with you!! What a little twit ! and only when your finances are meshed together, when you get emotionally invested in a puppy, only then he tells you this is it and to not expect more? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 SpringAngel... first off I am very very sorry that you are hurting, but not surprised it ended. It had been a long time coming. Second, you say you wish he would "come upstairs" and fight for you. SA, why are you still living in the same house? You have broken up, either he or you should leave. ASAP. Are there friends or family you can stay with temporarily? Or perhaps HE should leave since he ended it. In any event, continuing to live together will only cause more pain and prevent you from accepting it and moving on. You can work out division of assets later. Wishing you the best as you move forward. hugs I would say we broke up mutually. I called it and he agreed. I slept in the spare room the first night and went to work in the morning. He was supposed to be gone to a friend's house to watch the game by the time I got home. I woke him up and said "you're going to miss the game" and he left. I got in my pjs and got on the couch by the fire and watched movies all day. He went out drinking and came home around 6:45 & passed out in the spare room. We haven't talked about anything. I was hoping he would go stay with his sister. I'm not leaving the house until we figure out whathe we're doing. That night he kept saying he was going to keep the house even though my parents loaned us money for our down payment. Although I think those words were said in anger, I won't let that happen. Maybe he'll be gone when I get home tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 That night he kept saying he was going to keep the house even though my parents loaned us money for our down payment. Although I think those words were said in anger, I won't let that happen. Maybe he'll be gone when I get home tonight. Are you serious! He will need to do this like anyone else, he needs to buy you out if he wants to keep it. He can go to the bank and remortgage the house, pay your parents back and your share back. Your share should be close to nothing it has not been long enough to accumulate capital on that house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 Are you serious! He will need to do this like anyone else, he needs to buy you out if he wants to keep it. He can go to the bank and remortgage the house, pay your parents back and your share back. Your share should be close to nothing it has not been long enough to accumulate capital on that house. I'd like to keep the house myself... my parents are moving about a mile away next month. I haven't lived closer than 200 miles to them in 11 years. After my aunt died they decided to move up to be close to me. They're selling their house and buying one close by. I'd like to keep this house and get a roommate but will settle for selling the house, paying my parents back, and splitting the difference. He will NOT keep this house and keep the money my parents put into it. It's one thing to mess with me, it's another to mess with my parents! (On a side note I'm SO glad they'll be close by soon!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 (edited) SA, well I don't think it is your best interests to continue living together. Jmo You say you don't want to leave until you figure out what you're doing. I don't understand, didn't you say the relationship was over? In any event, I think you should go out and hire yourself a good reputable family law attorney who has your best financial interests at heart, your ex sure doesn't.. Asap. Again, best of luck. Edited October 3, 2016 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 Wow... my friend just sent me this article. It's him... dead on. 8 Signs You Are With An Emotionally Unavailable Man ? JaysonGaddis.com I'm going to look into talking to an attorney. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
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