Ami1uwant Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 Oh yeah...because it always works so well when we pressure men to talk about things they DO NOT want to talk about, thus why they shut down in the first place. Seriously though, people say not to give ultimatums but he's put you in this position, especially since he won't talk about it. You kinda have to lay it all out for him, whatever method of communication he will best absorb- maybe write a letter that he can read on his own? Tell him how you feel, that you can't wait. It really sucks he put you in this position. To keep the relationship going this long, buy the house together, knowing all along that you wanted marriage. It's not right. There actually is a way you can talk indirectly to get them to open up about what the issue is. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 My sister's ex was like the OP's partner — they shared an apt and several dogs together for 5 years. We always expected him to propose and he shuffled his feet until she decided it was futile and ended it. He begged her to reconsider and told her he'd finally marry her but she was smarter and moved on to someone else. He was a nice guy but she deserved someone who took her needs into consideration and was on the same page. She's now married and a mother I had talked to anothe guy who divorced his ex because she didn't want to have children. I know it may sound extreme but these are issues of basic compatibility. Unless you or your partner are willing to compromise it's better and healthier to pursue separate avenues. Someone should tick all your important boxes — not just a few. I may love someone but if they're a habitual liar or gambler I'm not going to ignore that red flag due to love. It's your own personal values. The problem is sometimes people change over time and some just flat out lie. Especially with kids.....people will say they don't want kids in their mid 20s then realize they do in their early 30s Some say what the other wants to hear early on to keep the relationship but they don't plan on changing. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 We just had a big talk and he's pissed off at me. I went out with the girls and talked about my feelings and I came home probably pissed off and I think I took it out on him. He finally blew up and told me all these feelings that I never heard before and then I got happy because I heard them but he got pissed because I guess maybe I was a bitch. Now I feel horrible and I'm at the bar by myself having a pity party. Maybe I'm a bad woman. I don't know what the hell to do. He has the power to make me so happy and he also has the power to make me so sad I just wish you would choose to make me happy more often. What exactly did he say....... What I have mentioned about talk to him is about this incident. Why does it take this for him to share these thoughts with you? If he can't open up to you snd share feelings then why bother. Communication is critical in a relationship. You told him early on you wanted marriage snd kids...if he doesn't want that then you need to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
ses Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 The problem is sometimes people change over time and some just flat out lie. Especially with kids.....people will say they don't want kids in their mid 20s then realize they do in their early 30s Some say what the other wants to hear early on to keep the relationship but they don't plan on changing. Yes, some people do change their minds but the OP has been steadfast in her desire to be a wife and mother from the beginning. I can understand if his mind has changed, but if it had, he should've told her so she could've move on and found someone who wants and values marriage and children. It just sounds like he's delaying the inevitable by shutting down. It's unfair. I've always wanted to get married myself, and I've always self-selected men who share that same value. I don't think marriage and children are a measure of success and for everyone; however, people aren't wrong or irrational if he/she wants to be married with or without children. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 I had a similar experience with my ex, but we weren't living together. He wanted to, I adamantly refused to live with him unless we were engaged. In the beginning he was all, "I see us for the long haul" "We're going to get engaged" "I see my life with you." As time went on that stopped and he started going really vague, not answering my questions straight out, talking in circles, saying things like "we'll get engaged EVENTUALLY" and that turned into, "What if I'm not ready to be engaged until I'm 35?" Without a doubt, if I had moved in with my ex, I'd still be waiting for a ring. I knew he was doing everything he could to drag his feet and keep me RIGHTTHERE without giving me any real commitment. Everything we had benefited HIM, and everything we had was horrible for me. He would say, "I'm never marrying anyone I don't live with." I refused because I knew he wasn't going to propose, he just wanted all the benefits. I stayed with my ex for THREE YEARS. I waited all that time for something to come about. It never did. The next girl he dated right after me? Moved in with her after 4 months, proposed after 11 months. The guy who was shutting down, saying he might never be ready, or ready in his mid-30s, saying "eventually" and all that BS? That's all it was. Bullsh*t. The only reason we were never engaged was because he NEVER wanted to marry me. Plain and simple. Get your name off the house deed. Start proceedings to get your own place and make your own life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Just an observation from a guy about the title of this thread, and a few references to waiting for the ring, etc. When I hear things like 'waiting for a ring' it conveys a message that it's the ring itself that's the bid deal, and not the guy giving it, or even the intent. Seeing the way many women react upon announcements of engagements (going straight to the finger with said ring) just reinforces this negative image. Maybe it is just a harmless phrase, and doesn't really mean anything, but sometimes the words we chose convey more than perhaps they intend. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 SpringAngel83, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I agree with other posters who say that he doesn't want to marry you. Please don't make the mistake I made with my first husband. I moved in with him (at his request) after a 6 months LTR. After another 6 months there was no sign of the relationship moving forward so I told him straight that if we didn't get married I was going back home. He proposed at once and we were married 4 months later. That marriage lasted 5 years because I made it work by doing just about everything. He just coasted along and had to be pushed into every decision. After 5 years I was sick of carrying the whole marriage and started wanting more input from him. Instead of knuckling down and pulling his weight he started cheating with a girl at work. I divorced him and he continued to see her. After 4 years it seems she got fed up with waiting ( she was now 30 so her biological time clock was ticking) so she got (conveniently) pregnant and they got married just before she was due to give birth. They are still married but she does everything/organises everything in the marriage and moans about it on FB The moral of this story is that leopards don't change their spots. I would be very thankful that you can see your BF for who he is, and that's someone who may be a great guy but he's not on the same page as you are. I would urge you to cut your losses now, and find someone who wants what you want. I'm sorry x 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Just an observation from a guy about the title of this thread, and a few references to waiting for the ring, etc. When I hear things like 'waiting for a ring' it conveys a message that it's the ring itself that's the bid deal, and not the guy giving it, or even the intent. Seeing the way many women react upon announcements of engagements (going straight to the finger with said ring) just reinforces this negative image. Maybe it is just a harmless phrase, and doesn't really mean anything, but sometimes the words we chose convey more than perhaps they intend. I agree with this. If you want to take that step and feel that he is right propose to him. I personally would like such a move. But believe me I noticed a couple of times with friends that patience from his sight of the bargain really does not mean that he moderately wants a future with you. I do notice though that women sometimes pressure those men to extremes. For me personally that would take the attraction away. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Just an observation from a guy about the title of this thread, and a few references to waiting for the ring, etc. When I hear things like 'waiting for a ring' it conveys a message that it's the ring itself that's the bid deal, and not the guy giving it, or even the intent. Seeing the way many women react upon announcements of engagements (going straight to the finger with said ring) just reinforces this negative image. Maybe it is just a harmless phrase, and doesn't really mean anything, but sometimes the words we chose convey more than perhaps they intend. Yes I have been told by my mentioned friend that he felt her desire for the ring made him feel like he was insignificant. But get this, later he told me deep down he regrets ever letting things get as far as buying a house and having a kid together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 (edited) Let's forget how the OP worded the title of this thread... it was poorly worded. Bottom line is, after 3+ years, she wants to marry her boyfriend and start a family... with *him*. Because she is in love *with him*. And wants to spend her life with *him*. He led her to believe when they first met he wanted the same things too (generally speaking). But now 3 years later, it is clear he does NOT wish to marry *her*. I acknowledge he may feel insignificant in that he may feel she *only* wants the ring, doesn't matter who gives it to her. However, he needs to be cognizant of how him not wanting to give her that ring (after 3 years) makes HER feel. LIke he doesn't love her ... doesn't want to spend his life with her! It is not the ring, it is what the ring represents.... his love her for. His desire to spend his life with her. And him not wishing to "go there" with her .... makes HER feel insignificant! And unloved. Edited July 24, 2016 by katiegrl 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 It's clear he doesn't want to marry you. I'd unload the house and split. If you want kids, you have no time to waste on this dead end. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lbjanieb Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 I understand you're connected to him after all the time you've been together and when it was good. But it no longer is and it seems he's had a change of heart. Or perhaps either he wasn't totally honest about wanting to get married in the first place. But at this point you have to take him at his word. Especially now that he's turning on you and making you feel like the bad guy for this normal desire that you have. Marriage and family are a good thing so don't feel bad that you want that. It is unfortunate that you bought a house with someone you're not fully committed to. So you have to be wise there and think that out - can either of you afford to pay the full payment so the other one could move? The mortgage company is NOT going to remove one of your names from the mortgage so hopefully you can be civil enough to make sure the mortgage gets paid for the sake of the credit of the one who moves. Or even better if you guys could sell it and cut your losses. I think you should calmly explain that you have always told him your goal was marriage and if his is not you want to be adult about it rather than guilt him into something. (You don't want that for your own sense of dignity and peace of mind.) Maybe if he sees you move into another bedroom and maturely discuss what to do with the house (so do not cry in front of him or beg because he'll never respect or want you like that) he might just realize that you're serious about not accepting less in life like he seems to think you should. Gee, I mean he's not even treating you nicely anymore! It might not be a bad idea to get yourself some counseling. You could use a good support system and someone speaking detached truth to you rather than being sucked into emotional drama with him. Hope it works out and that your dreams for a family come true... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DramaInPajamas Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 I absolutely love him! We have the same values, enjoy spending time together, he's hilarious and sweet. He was my rock before he shut down. I miss him... it's not that I want any man. I want him... but I don't want to wait forever if the feeling's not mutual. You do not have the same values. He is content to move along never marrying you. But you want marraige and children Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 What do you want OP? Do you want this man or do you want family and kids?? You aint gonna get both, you gotta make a choice! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted July 24, 2016 Author Share Posted July 24, 2016 What exactly did he say....... What I have mentioned about talk to him is about this incident. Why does it take this for him to share these thoughts with you? If he can't open up to you snd share feelings then why bother. Communication is critical in a relationship. You told him early on you wanted marriage snd kids...if he doesn't want that then you need to walk away. So he basically said that lately he feels like I don't care about him anymore and all I care about is marriage & kids... just like a few people have said on this thread. And he's terrified of divorce and I don't seem happy now so I won't be happy married either. The next morning I sent him a long text (because I didn't want a talk to turn into a fight so I thought a text might be better) telling him I'm sorry for coming home and picking a fight. Told him I love him and respect him. That I can understand how he feels and thank you for telling me. That I want us to connect again and that I was meeting some friends to get our toes done. He only responded with "ok have fun." Then later that night we met some friends that night and had a fun night. The only thing he said about anything was "I really do love you." And "cheers to us... we're going to make it." But then he slept in the other room last night and this morning when I asked why he said (in a rude voice) "because I wanted to" and has been working on projects all day. I'm trying to give him space and stay out of my head. Do you think he's processing or just avoiding? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Did you get to share *your* feelings too? About how him stalling and/or being so ambivalent makes you feel *he* doesn't care? Or is your relationship all about him and his feelings? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) So he basically said that lately he feels like I don't care about him anymore and all I care about is marriage & kids... just like a few people have said on this thread. And he's terrified of divorce and I don't seem happy now so I won't be happy married either. The next morning I sent him a long text (because I didn't want a talk to turn into a fight so I thought a text might be better) telling him I'm sorry for coming home and picking a fight. Told him I love him and respect him. That I can understand how he feels and thank you for telling me. That I want us to connect again and that I was meeting some friends to get our toes done. He only responded with "ok have fun." Then later that night we met some friends that night and had a fun night. The only thing he said about anything was "I really do love you." And "cheers to us... we're going to make it." But then he slept in the other room last night and this morning when I asked why he said (in a rude voice) "because I wanted to" and has been working on projects all day. I'm trying to give him space and stay out of my head. Do you think he's processing or just avoiding? Being terrified of divorce is a cop out bull**** response from him. 3 years in (if I recall correctky) you should know if you want to marry someone. If you two bought a house together with both names on it can he much more complicated than a divorce in some states. The issue is you want something more in this and he isn't giving it to you. Edited July 25, 2016 by Ami1uwant 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 Being terrified of divorce is a cop out bull**** response from him. 3 years in (if I recall correctky) you should know if you want to marry someone. If you two bought a house together with both names on it can he much more complicated than a divorce in some states. The issue is you want something more in this and he isn't giving it to you. Agree.... and taking it even further ...... instead of taking responsibility for stringing her along for three years, he attempts to flip the script and blame his ambivalence (or disinterest) on the OP by saying he's *scared* she won't be happy. Calling BS on that.... the reason she is not happy is because she feels strung along, lied to, and that the man she has loved for three years, and wants to spend her life with, doesn't give a crap! OP he is manipulating you, and you my dear are allowing it! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted July 25, 2016 Author Share Posted July 25, 2016 Did you get to share *your* feelings too? About how him stalling and/or being so ambivalent makes you feel *he* doesn't care? Or is your relationship all about him and his feelings? So I just went outside to see what he's doing and asked when we were going to talk. He said "I thought we already did. We're just not going to get along are we?" I said we had the fight, didn't talk that night, I sent the text the next morning and I've had no response from you. I don't want to be a nag and I hate feeling like this but this is important to me. I feel like you've been avoiding me all day. He said he gets that and he's just been working on the house. It's Sunday and he had to work tomorrow and wants to get this stuff done. That was it. I said were not going to get anywhere right now so I'm taking the dog to the dog park. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 So I just went outside to see what he's doing and asked when we were going to talk. He said "I thought we already did. We're just not going to get along are we?" I said we had the fight, didn't talk that night, I sent the text the next morning and I've had no response from you. I don't want to be a nag and I hate feeling like this but this is important to me. I feel like you've been avoiding me all day. He said he gets that and he's just been working on the house. It's Sunday and he had to work tomorrow and wants to get this stuff done. That was it. I said were not going to get anywhere right now so I'm taking the dog to the dog park. You need to end this fiasco. He is not going to marry you, he doesn't care. Period, end of. See a lawyer about dividing assets and get away from this lunacy. Sorry, and best of luck..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpringAngel83 Posted July 25, 2016 Author Share Posted July 25, 2016 Agree.... and taking it even further ...... instead of taking responsibility for stringing her along for three years, he attempts to flip the script and blame his ambivalence (or disinterest) on the OP by saying he's *scared* she won't be happy. Calling BS on that.... the reason she is not happy is because she feels strung along, lied to, and that the man she has loved for three years, and wants to spend her life with, doesn't give a crap! OP he is manipulating you, and you my dear are allowing it! I'm really starting to see this... it's just so hard to let him go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 There's your answer. A ring isn't coming, end of discussion. At least he was painfully clear about where he stands. What about you? What are you waiting for? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 I'm really starting to see this... --- ** it's just so hard to let him go. Why? I would be out that door faster than he could take his next blink. Stay with a friend, family, somewhere other than there! That is what I did ..... and we were engaged! See my history. You have lost your self-esteem.... and it sounds like HE has lost his respect (for you). You need to get it back! He can do whatever the hell he wants.... it won't be with you though cuz you deserve better! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 or you can do as I suggested and watch his attitude turn around. A guy has to feel like his woman will stand by him for the long haul, and you always complaining and showing that you are unhappy makes him feel insecure in his relationship, thus making a marriage unlikely. Show him that you are the type of woman that actually stands by her man, and he might actually see that you are the type of girl that a guy wants to marry. And what if she stays with him for another 5 years without raising the topic and he still does nothing? In 5 years, the window of opportunity for fertility will be almost closed. This is a huge gamble you're asking her to take. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) SpringAngel: If you go back over my posts to you here, you see that my guesses were pretty spot on with how your BF says he feels, correct? You have two choices here. You can either make his fears a reality by leaving him over the marriage deal, proving that being married means more to you than the guy you claim to love, or you can do as I suggested and watch his attitude turn around. A guy has to feel like his woman will stand by him for the long haul, and you always complaining and showing that you are unhappy makes him feel insecure in his relationship, thus making a marriage unlikely. Show him that you are the type of woman that actually stands by her man, and he might actually see that you are the type of girl that a guy wants to marry. enigma ....she has been standing by him for 3+ years. I asked her this but will ask you too. He has expressed his feelings, fair enough, when does she get to express hers? How she feels. About him not wanting to marry her .... spend his life with her? After 3+ years. And how *that* hurts her. Or is she supposed to squelch her feelings so as to make everything as easy and comfortable *for him* as possible? If that is how you feel, where did you learn that? It is funny, cuz in my last relationship, I was the one who didn't want marriage, and my ex was all gung ho to marry me! Had been asking me for years! I was just happy living together, did not need that proverbial piece of paper. But because HE wanted it, I eventually wanted it too! Because I loved him, was committed to him.... Because I cared about his feelings. And so we got engaged and I was very happy!! What is OP's bf doing? Dismissed her feelings, attempts to flip the script, blamed her, shuts her out. That is NOT love and if you think it is, then I wish you luck. Edited July 25, 2016 by katiegrl 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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