Should I wait for the ring... or leave??

[joseb]

I think on the basis of all I've read, and the OP's replies, I think he is just not happy in the relationship.

I don't think he is depressed, I think he feels trapped and pressured and doesn't know what to do, other than do nothing.

I don't think this has the legs to go the distance.

 

The dead inside thing for me is a massive red flag.

 

As is the OP having to initiate sex all the time.

The one and only time I had a gf do most of the initiating was when the relationship was ending due to me losing interest. I was barely cognisant of it at the time, I thought maybe my libido was lowering as I aged or something, but it was simply a side effect of me falling out of love.

[Toodaloo]

This. This makes sense. This is why he can't tell me how he feels because I will run if he says this to me. As I should.

 

He can't say it because you are actually quite the catch and he knows it. He doesn't want to take the risk until he has "snagged" the dream girl...

 

his not proposing to you has NOTHING to do with your "worth". You are a high value girlfriend and "wife material" and he knows it. He just doesn't want to go that far.

 

He is actually very honest with you.

 

Yes it is a risk leaving him but to be blunt I wish I had taken that risk far sooner and not been as miserable as I was for as long as I was.

 

This man is never going to marry you or have children with you. He will go through the motions but it is never going to be more than that.

 

Your choice is this.

1. Go through the motions and run the risk of being dumped for another woman in a few years time when you are older and getting close to menopause etc

2. Take the risk now. hurt like hell then move on and get a head start on finding someone who will cherish you rather than just go through the motions...

 

Its a simple choice. Hard to take and do but a simple choice. Sometimes you have to be brave to be happy.

 

I really feel for you OP as it is a horrible position to be in. You will feel better out of it.

[winny]

This is the scariest part of all of this. I've tried to talk about it and ask what he means but all he says is that he doesn't really have feelings and he can't be this emotional guy I'm asking him to be because he's numb. I asked what we can do to fix this and he seems to think it's not a problem, it's just who he is.

 

I realize he battles with depression so I'm trying to be understanding. And I think a lot of this stems from his relationship with his mom. She is kind of cold as far as emotions go. But I know they love each other.

 

 

Has anyone considered that this guy could have narcissistic tendencies? He seems to withhold sex and has no feelings and shuts himself off......

[Itspointless]

Has anyone considered that this guy could have narcissistic tendencies? He seems to withhold sex and has no feelings and shuts himself off......

You can't be serious. The things we read can be interpreted as anything. Lets remember we only hear one story here, which could be clouded by many things as well (pd's included).

Edited July 26, 2016 by Itspointless

[katiegrl]

You can't be serious. The things we read can be interpreted as anything. Lets remember we only one story here, which could be clouded by many things (pd's included).

 

Completely agree.

 

Everyone whose SO behaves in a way that is hurtful or otherwise unacceptable to the person posting... is either BPD or narcissistic.

 

It's getting old.

[NewLeaf512]

OP how are you doing?

[SpringAngel83]

Has anyone considered that this guy could have narcissistic tendencies? He seems to withhold sex and has no feelings and shuts himself off......

 

I don't believe he's narcissistic. He's a good man.

[CarrieT]

I don't believe he's narcissistic. He's a good man.

 

He can be a good man and still not able to commit to you, which seems evident.

[Redhead14]

I don't believe he's narcissistic. He's a good man.

 

I'm sure he's a good man. But you need a good man who wants the same things you do . . .

[SpringAngel83]

OP how are you doing?

 

I'm doing ok. Thank you New Leaf. I think I have a plan. I went home last night and we had a good night. He made dinner which was sweet. I think I'm going to wait a couple of months and let everything go and see what happens. My cut off date is Sept 21st. My half birthday.

 

He might be overwhelmed or feel like I'm nagging/needy which can be a huge turn off. I'm going to focus on being the best me I can be and if he doesn't step up I'm going to tell him I want to leave the relationship and sell the house.

[BaileyB]

 

his not proposing to you has NOTHING to do with your "worth". You are a high value girlfriend and "wife material" and he knows it. He just doesn't want to go that far.

 

He is actually very honest with you.

 

Just wanted to restate this for truth!

 

It is a terrible decision to have to make. I really wish that things were different for you. You deserve so much more than the waiting and wondering and second guessing that you have been doing... I wish you all the best.

[joyful]

I'm doing ok. Thank you New Leaf. I think I have a plan. I went home last night and we had a good night. He made dinner which was sweet. I think I'm going to wait a couple of months and let everything go and see what happens. My cut off date is Sept 21st. My half birthday.

 

He might be overwhelmed or feel like I'm nagging/needy which can be a huge turn off. I'm going to focus on being the best me I can be and if he doesn't step up I'm going to tell him I want to leave the relationship and sell the house.

 

this sounds good. things sound really emotionally intense at home. it is so important to have internal quiet and clarity when making major life decisions. you will be stronger and able to make a firm decision once you have that internal calm and clarity. wishing you so much peace.

[sandylee1]

I

 

.... I'm going to tell him I want to leave the relationship and sell the house.

 

You need to be firm and decisive saying.... "I am leaving the relationship or I am ending it"... saying "I want to" isn't the same as saying "I am"

[Timshel]

I'm doing ok. Thank you New Leaf. I think I have a plan. I went home last night and we had a good night. He made dinner which was sweet. I think I'm going to wait a couple of months and let everything go and see what happens. My cut off date is Sept 21st. My half birthday.

 

He might be overwhelmed or feel like I'm nagging/needy which can be a huge turn off. I'm going to focus on being the best me I can be and if he doesn't step up I'm going to tell him I want to leave the relationship and sell the house.

 

SpringAngel, be yourself. You have been (presumably, yourself) but should step things up?

 

You both recently bought a house....that is stressful, for both of you. Waiting for the financial dirt to settle is fine.

 

None of us know the particulars of your relationship other than what you have presented.

 

In my opinion, without any assumptions; plan for a future without him and how that will happen. Save money, think about an exit strategy and do brush up on the law regarding a jointly owned home.

 

I think that you are experiencing some hard pull back on his part. Since you have recently purchased a house and it has effected both of your finances, it is possible that some breathing room is necessary before discussing the 'next step.'

 

That said, his ambivalence to have open/honest discussion(s) about the direction of your relationship, despite difficulties, is not a good sign.

 

It has already been said in this thread....marriage and children are much more complicated/profound than your current situation.

 

If he is shut down and 'dead inside' prior to these, you would be well off to decide for yourself that he would not be a good husband/father.

[katiegrl]

I'm doing ok. Thank you New Leaf. I think I have a plan. I went home last night and we had a good night. He made dinner which was sweet. I think I'm going to wait a couple of months and let everything go and see what happens. My cut off date is Sept 21st. My half birthday.

 

He might be overwhelmed or feel like I'm nagging/needy which can be a huge turn off. I'm going to focus on being the best me I can be and if he doesn't step up I'm going to tell him I want to leave the relationship and sell the house.

 

SpringAngel... new day, new [different] thought.

 

You are only 33, women are having kids well into their late 30's, early 40's these days, and if you are healthy, there should be no complications.

 

My step mom had a baby at 44 and everything went just fine.

 

So.... since you love him, and assuming he loves you and does feel pressured, would it be possible for you to simply remain living together, happily in your new home, with your new puppy, for a few more years, just put it out of your mind and just love him, and him love you, and you both enjoy the RL for all that it is?

 

You said he is the love of your life and when things are good, they are really good.... so again just a thought.

 

I know for me, what is important is the commitment (from the heart) NOT the piece of paper stating we are committed.

 

I also think when one's commitment comes from the heart, it's stronger and longer lasting. And more genuine.

 

Again just me, but I feel more secure and loved when we are living together, without the piece of paper, as I know he is there because he wants to be there, NOT because there is a piece of paper telling him he needs to be there.

 

I am kind of a weirdo on this board though.... so if you don't agree, I understand.

 

Just thought I would toss it out there as another, different alternative to your situation.

Edited July 26, 2016 by katiegrl

[NewLeaf512]

I'm doing ok. Thank you New Leaf. I think I have a plan. I went home last night and we had a good night. He made dinner which was sweet. I think I'm going to wait a couple of months and let everything go and see what happens. My cut off date is Sept 21st. My half birthday.

 

He might be overwhelmed or feel like I'm nagging/needy which can be a huge turn off. I'm going to focus on being the best me I can be and if he doesn't step up I'm going to tell him I want to leave the relationship and sell the house.

 

I think that is a good plan. You need to stick to that date though.

 

Do you think you can no mention marriage or engagement during that time so you can see if he brings it up?

 

Also maybe see if he will initiate a bit?

 

That way you can see if he will step toward you emotionally instead of you doing all the heavy lifting.

 

Sending good vibes, either way

[Itspointless]

I am kind of a weirdo on this board though.... so if you don't agree, I understand.

I like weirdo's.

 

Agreed with everything you said there.

[Zapbasket]

I wouldn't mention marriage or the future again. You've said your piece; saying it again and again won't make him finally open up. You have a plan now. Stick to it and stay confident in yourself and take the position of watching and waiting. I like the idea of you being the best you possible. Fill the relationship with all the good, the giving, the love and sharing you can muster from your end. Focus only on the present and the immediate future. Plan fun weekend outings. See what, if anything, that elicits in him.

 

If these efforts on your part don't elicit a corresponding change in him over time--i.e., don't make him move toward you and relax and open up in ways that are natural and spontaneous to him, then you'll know that what's really going on is that for him the relationship is over and he's just not ready to face that fact. It will still suck, but then you'll know you gave it everything you could.

 

I think one thing that causes a lot of hurt and regret in recovering from a breakup is that typically, when a relationship goes south, the fights escalate and the "break-up" really ends up being an explosion of too-intensified negative feelings. Even though it's hard, if you can infuse this time with as much peace, love, and your best self as possible, then you will be able to leave this relationship if need be, and with so many fewer regrets, so much less heartache.

[SpringAngel83]

I think that is a good plan. You need to stick to that date though.

 

Do you think you can no mention marriage or engagement during that time so you can see if he brings it up?

 

Also maybe see if he will initiate a bit?

 

That way you can see if he will step toward you emotionally instead of you doing all the heavy lifting.

 

Sending good vibes, either way

 

Yes I'm committing to not talk about commitment! I want to take away the pressure and let the relationship breathe. Give him the wheel and see where he takes us.

 

I've contacted some friends and they have opened their homes to me if I need it. I'm preparing myself for the worst but hoping for the best.

 

Thank you for the good vibes!

[Gaeta]

2.5 years didn't make him change his mind but 2 months will?

 

Good luck and please come back to update us.

[lana-banana]

Yes I'm committing to not talk about commitment! I want to take away the pressure and let the relationship breathe. Give him the wheel and see where he takes us.

 

This strikes me as sad and unfair. You're agreeing to compromise your own needs, wants and happiness for him. What makes you think he's going to put a ring on it in September when all other evidence (including his own words and actions) have indicated otherwise? Don't you think it's far more likely he'll assume that you've decided you're content with the status quo and you don't care about marriage anymore?

Edited July 26, 2016 by lana-banana

[No_Go]

Agree on that. Wait in silence and then leave (if he doesn't propose by some miniscule chance) is just passive aggressive treatment that will bring no good to anyone.

 

If deadline is an absolute must for OP, at least let it be realistic. By Sep 21 there are just 8 weeks!! Even with his best desire to propose, he may not manage to arrange the logistics (ring buying etc) by then...

 

This strikes me as sad and unfair. You're agreeing to compromise your own needs, wants and happiness for him. What makes you think he's going to put a ring on it in September when all other evidence (including his own words and actions) have indicated otherwise? Don't you think it's far more likely he'll assume that you've decided you're content with the status quo and you don't care about marriage anymore?

[Gaeta]

What stresses him the most? Marriage or kids?

 

Nowadays with a good notarized document and a Will you don't need a marriage.

 

Scared of having children? Why?, afraid his life will change? afraid of the financial responsibility? what exactly?

[Zapbasket]

What makes you think he's going to put a ring on it in September when all other evidence (including his own words and actions) have indicated otherwise? Don't you think it's far more likely he'll assume that you've decided you're content with the status quo and you don't care about marriage anymore?

 

But what other choice does she have other than to leave right now based on the facts she has so far? It would be a bit dense of him to assume she no longer cares about marriage and is fine with the status quo. He showed himself unable even to have an honest discussion about the future of the relationship, and so she's responding to his discomfort by backing off. I think that's a much wiser approach than issuing an ultimatum or outright leaving right now. She's giving him a chance not to "put a ring on it" in a 2-month time frame, but simply to show where he is with this whole thing. He was so defensive he couldn't even talk about it, so she's doing her utmost to remove the constraints that were making him defensive (i.e., talking about it, pushing for answers). If he takes that as "problem solved" then he deserves what's coming if he doesn't step up.

[winny]

I don't believe he's narcissistic. He's a good man.

 

Frankly, if he was a good man you wouldn't be here. He would have made his stand so clear to you that you would know what exactly you should be doing - stay or leave. Dont you think he knows that you are suffering emotionally right now due to him shutting himself off and never initiating sex? If he cared about your feelings he would have a talk with you. Is he doing that? No. He is concerned about his needs only. He would have shared his fears and insecurities with you if he was a good man... cause isn't that why we are in a relationship with someone so that we can share all our good and bad feelings with them?

I read the original post and many other posts here and if you want you can also see the obvious - there is no proposal coming your way in the near future. And suppose in future someday you get married to him... this kind of behavior will repeat. Can you put up with such uncertainty your whole life? It will kill you... and yes he does have some kind of behavior issues because normal people talk, share, are open - at least to their SO!

I understand if someone doesnt want to marry, I even understand if someone doesnt want to marry now - what I dont understand and dont like is a person who knows what you are expecting but keeps you hanging n guessing n suffering.