Starting to wonder about my girlfriend and would like some guidance

[brianmann]

Hi, I’m not ordinarily the kind of guy to ask a bunch of anonymous people for relationship advice on the internet. But I’m literally going out of my mind right now and the kind of friends I have, well let’s just say that they wouldn’t be the best people to ask. So I hope someone here can help me.

 

This is my first really serious relationship. I am 22, she is 20. We’ve been together about a year and for the most part everything has been great. We have lots in common and both of us feel this is going to be a long term thing, we have even been talking marriage. This is the first girl I’ve really fallen in love with, and she always tells me she loves me too.

 

The problem is that for the first time I’m started to suspect her, maybe not of outright cheating, but perhaps of being dishonest with me about how much she really likes me, like maybe she’s been getting close to another guy or guy(s) and is thinking about leaving me. It has been slowly building up for the last few months because of various things, but I know I’m the jealous type so I can’t be sure. Plus, tbh some of what I know I arrived at by snooping, so I can’t confront my gf about all of it. But I figured I’d throw it out there and see what some more experienced people think.

 

Here are the reasons I’ve become suspicious, in chronological order:

 

1. I noticed she was particularly private with her fb and phone. She kept her fb friend list private so I couldn’t see any of her friends and she would never let me see what she was texting or to whom. When I complained about it, she would give me lectures about the importance of privacy and trust in a relationship, which I found a bit defensive even tho I could relate to some extent. But I still thought she was a lot more guarded about her privacy than anyone else I’ve known, so I was a bit taken aback by it, although at this stage I wasn’t particularly concerned about it yet.

 

2. She admitted to me that she doesn’t really like my penis. I am circumcised, and she told me that the sex is a little ‘rougher’ and ‘hurts more’ with a cut penis. She also said that uncut was ‘way more fun to play with’ when it came to hjs and bjs. (She had been with one of each before me) It was particularly painful when she told me she could ‘always o’ with the uncut guy, since I know she has yet to with me. Now naturally she tries to downplay it and not make me feel inadequate. She’ll say things like ‘I don’t really care that much about sex’ and ‘relationships aren’t based on sex’, but apparently it’s a big enough of a deal that she has looked into foreskin restoration and encouraged me to try it, so naturally this affects me.

 

3. (consider this is after #1 and #2) I began noticing she was spending a lot of time with her ‘friends’ instead of me. It really alarmed me because I work but she doesn’t. I only have so much time to see her while she only has classes and lots of free time, so I expected that when I was free we should normally be able to spend time together. But all the time she will tell me she is ‘with friends’ or that she already made plans ‘with some friends’, and after awhile I started thinking stuff (especially considering the sex thing).

 

4. I found LOTS of texts, many of which were flirty, between her and this guy. One day she had left her phone at my place and I admit I went through it. I know it was snooping, but with all of the above stuff going on naturally I was going to go for it. The sheer amount of texts revealed to me that this guy HAD to be a fairly big part of her social circle, like perhaps on old friend from high school, and the more flirty ones pointed to a possible ex-bf, or perhaps even a guy she was coming on to. They would post pics of what they wearing to get opinions, and there were comments of ‘yummy’ and emojis with hearts and some with tongues hanging out (drooling). For example, she said things like ‘oh, she is going to love you in that. You look so yummy (drool emoji)’. They also talked a bit about sex and she showed him pics of her new tongue ring. I was mortified, but I knew if I confronted her about it, it would turn into a ‘me snooping’ thing instead of a ‘her flirting’ thing, so I didn’t say anything directly. Instead I tried another approach, which became reason #5.

 

5. I started asking her, subtly at first, about this ‘friend’ of hers. I casually asked who he was and how she met him. Her answers totally put me off. She was VERY defensive and curt, refusing to give me any details. She just said he was a ‘good friend’ who she knew a long time and that their relationship was ‘strictly platonic’. I pressed her for more details, but she refused and began accusing me of ‘prying’, not ‘respecting’ her privacy, and having ‘trust issues’. I took this refusal and defensiveness to tell me more about this guy as a serious red flag, mainly because I see no reason for it unless you have something to hide.

 

6. Lately, whenever the topic of this guy comes up, she has made it a point to tell me, over and over and over, that he is in a relationship. She will keep saying ‘I TOLD you he’s in a relationship’, as if that fact should end the conversation. That is another serious red flag for me, because not once has she said anything like ‘He’s not my type’, ‘I don’t like him’, ‘you know I wouldn’t cheat on you’, ‘oh, please!’ or anything else along those lines, which to me are the kind of things a girl would normally say, and my ex’s normally did say. Only saying ‘he’s in a relationship’ implies to me that you might be interested, but not to worry because the guy is already taken. Or am I reading too much into that? For example, earlier today I said to her ‘if you’re starting to fall in love with this guy you can tell me. we can work through it. I understand you can’t help your feelings’. Her only reply was ‘I told you he’s in a relationship’.

 

What do you all think? I really love this girl and other than everything above the relationship is great. What do you think I should do? I don’t want this to get any more confrontational because we have something planned for tomorrow.

[lolablue17]

Well. your first mistake was at section 1, when she began being too private with her Fb and phone. She manipulated you in a very lame way by saying that "privacy and trust is very important in a relationship". Yes indeed, but trust is something you should earn. You cannot force your Bf to trust you, especially when you're being secretive and being shady.

 

Your penis is not really an issue here i think. If she didn't want you, she wouldn't be with you for so long.

 

Your problem is not only this guy. Your problem is her treating you and your relationship together the same as other couples behave after 15-20 years of marriage, and there are couples who never get to this at all.

 

She does not respects you. She doesn't care about your feelings. If you want to know about this guy, she just dismiss's you and do not even try to go half way.

 

It's great and normal and positive that girls have guy friends but when a girl hides basic details about him, it screams "RED FLAG". How can you even consider being in a relationship (Not to mention marrying her) with someone who keeps you a way from her friends? The most valuable thing in a relationship is sharing. She apparently does not want to share with you things about her life and some of her friends.

 

I'll tell you for sure - those thing never get better through time, they only get worse. She will be more secretive, she will keep you more distant, and she will hang out more with her 'friends' in stead of you.

 

I don't pretend to know so much about you, and you should look at my advice very carefully and judge it with your eyes, brain and guts. But right now you are in the best position you're gonna be from now on. Now is the best timing to rescue yourself from being needy, weak, hurt, and being miserable.

 

Sit with her, tell her that although she has the right for privacy, she has absolute right to as much time as she wants with her many friends, she has absolute right to not sharing with you some of her friends and so and so... Tell her and insist that she hasn't done anything wrong. Objectively, she's perfectly fine. But you also has the right to have a different point of you about how relationship should look like, and right now it isn't going to a direction you can accept. Although you were thinking about marrying her, you don't think she's the perfect match for you, you have the right to be happy, and to find a girl that better share with you the same view about how relationship and commitment should look like.

 

It will probably end it. Even if she promises she will change, don't believe it. She will change for a short time, and will be more bitter. Don't buy it.

[JoeSmith357-1]

#1 is a HUGE red flag. I speak from experience. HUGE. And she's gaslighting you at the same time about "trusting her"

 

#4 confirmed it

 

They probably snapchat nudes back and forth. Snapchat is the #1 tool of cheaters because of the temporary nature of the medium

 

You seriously ought to cut your losses and run, you hardly have any time invested in this and quite honestly you are absolutely crazy to be talking marriage at 22 years old...

Edited July 23, 2016 by JoeSmith357-1

[SevenCity]

Yes I'm not convinced she actually cheated yet but it's in your future. You have to go with your gut on this one.

 

Regardless if she is cheating or not, you don't trust her. That should be reason enough.

 

If you dump her, she may come crawling back. Don't take her.

 

You'll get off easy if you get out now. There are plenty of available women at your age. Go get one.

[DKT3]

First sign of a cheater is they look to shame you for questioning questionable behavior.

[bubbaganoosh]

Imagine if you told her that her boobs weren't as shaped as nice as the other girls you have known. Nothing worse then making negative comments about ones anatomy.

 

If it was me, the next time you sleep with her, put a piece of calamari on your penis and ask her if she like this better AND then let her know that the equipment you were blessed with is what you got and if she isn't happy with it then take a hike.

 

It shows how shallow and ill mannered she is and she needs to be told that in a way that she understands that when she was born, she was far from perfect.

 

All in all, the minuet she started with the unkind and ignorant remarks is when you should have told her to take it someplace else and go find a woman who accepts you for who you are cut or uncut. No excuse for ignorance.

 

By the way, if she's going to be so secretive about everything, then it should tell you she's got a lot to hide.

[Friskyone4u]

You are 22 years old.

 

You have enough red flags in what you posted to start a bull fighting school.

 

She is doing to you what is called "gas lighting", making you think that you are some sort of controlling idiot for asking any legitimate questions.

 

The next time you get her phone, send the texts to your phone and then show them to her on your way out the door and tell her she can have him.

 

If you put up with this and plead with her to stop she will only go further underground. She is not committed to you . End of story.

[brianmann]

Thx for all the replies. Sometimes you know what you have to do, but you need a little kick in the butt to actually do it.

 

We were going out tonite, but instead I’m going to show her all these replies and give her one last chance to just come clean. I now have proof that I’m not being unreasonable, so she is not turning the tables on me again.

 

It’s going to really suck if I have to let her go. I was certain that this was the real thing. I mean, how can your feelings be so wrong? I’m not going to feel like dating again for a long time.

[lolablue17]

Don't do that mistake. Don't show her the post here and expect that "Boom! she will understand that she's wrong". She will turn it all against you, blame you, and leave you in an ugly way, who will heart you feelings and Ego as well.

 

You will be left wounded on the ground, bleeding, sad and hurt. Because you let her. Based on what you wrote here, she's much better than you when it comes to winning arguments. She a much better manipulator that you. You have no chance on that field.

 

Don't show her the post. And don't let her drag you into any argument based on details. No, the details aren't important. Don't focus on "Why did you do that, why didn't you do that" stuff. No. Remember to focus only on your demands and expectations from your gf (any gf). She apparently doesn't match your demands. AND THAT'S IT.

 

Talk less. Talk minimum. Stay silence most of the con. You wish her to change, right? So let her show you that she can change. Not because you lecture her to, or because you angry. Stay calm, and cold. Talk to her after you decide that things are going to change anyway.

 

Refuse to talk about anything but your demands, and the future. If she tries, and she will, don't cooperate.

[kgcolonel]

Don't do that mistake. Don't show her the post here and expect that "Boom! she will understand that she's wrong". She will turn it all against you, blame you, and leave you in an ugly way, who will heart you feelings and Ego as well.

 

You will be left wounded on the ground, bleeding, sad and hurt. Because you let her. Based on what you wrote here, she's much better than you when it comes to winning arguments. She a much better manipulator that you. You have no chance on that field.

 

Don't show her the post. And don't let her drag you into any argument based on details. No, the details aren't important. Don't focus on "Why did you do that, why didn't you do that" stuff. No. Remember to focus only on your demands and expectations from your gf (any gf). She apparently doesn't match your demands. AND THAT'S IT.

 

Talk less. Talk minimum. Stay silence most of the con. You wish her to change, right? So let her show you that she can change. Not because you lecture her to, or because you angry. Stay calm, and cold. Talk to her after you decide that things are going to change anyway.

 

Refuse to talk about anything but your demands, and the future. If she tries, and she will, don't cooperate.

 

I agree with Mr. Blue.....

 

you might start the convo with "my idea of a proper relationship is.....no secrets, no hiding, being supportive, lots of loving and total honesty etc." how does that compare with your ideal R? Let her talk and go from there....

 

If you like what you hear, work on the R, if you don't agree that you two are on different pages and she can hide her phone with someone else, and cause someone else to question her commitment.

[Poutrew]

What you do is just drop her. Just say something like, "I get the feeling we are at different points in our lives, and that our expectations are not the same. It'll do us both good to meet other people, so I'm ending it. Be happy, bye."

 

Keep it short, and non-confrontational. I bet with in a week she'll be burning the sheets with the other guy. You get out of a bad, manipulative situation, with your honor intact.

[Cinnamonstix]

If you confront her and show her these posts, it just makes you look weak and like you can't think for yourself. Just say it's not working for you and part ways. Even if she isn't cheating, don't allow yourself to be disrespected and mistreated by someone who dismisses your feelings. She does not truly love you or care about you. Find someone who does.

[brianmann]

Well, I finally confronted her about it. I want to thank everyone for their advice because I followed most of the recommendations, and I think that it went a lot better than it would have if I just blindly lashed out. I did everything like most of you here recommended. I didn’t show her these posts, I was calm and cool, yet also direct and to the point. I was really nervous about it, but I also felt a strange confidence (which I attribute to this forum) which helped me to ball up and just do it. And I think it went pretty well. So thx!

 

 

What happened was I calmly explained my concerns and then in a subtle (but not too subtle) way suggested that this could be the end if we couldn’t resolve this. At first she got defensive and emotional as usual, saying things like ‘well if it has to end because you can’t trust me..’ and ‘why would I want to stay with someone who is so controlling and suspicious’ but I remained calm and firm and I think she responded to that because suddenly she changed and became more conciliatory. Eventually, she finally admitted that I had the right to know more about this guy and that she could understand why I might think of him as some kind of threat even tho he wasn’t. She then suggested that we all go on a kind of double date - her, me, her friend and his gf. She told me that once I got to know her friend better I’d understand that he was just an ‘old and dear’ friend and nothing more, and I could even get to know his gf. She even encouraged me to ask him whatever I wanted, so I could also get the truth from her friend himself.

 

Naturally I agreed to this. I’m feeling pretty good about it now, but I admit that I’m still wondering if maybe this whole thing could be some kind of ‘set up’. I mean it would be fairly easy for her arrange something with her friend just to appease me, but at the same time I feel like it’s a bit paranoid to think like that, what do you think? I’ve become a jealous person these last few months because of what’s been going on, so I can’t really be sure what’s reasonable and what isn’t anymore.

 

But at any rate I guess we are all going out tonite, so I’ll let you all know how it goes. I’m really hoping that it all works out and that all 4 of us can even all become friends and maybe even all go out on a regular basis, but I will definitely be keeping my eyes open to anything suspicious, and I’m not going to be afraid to ask this guy pointed questions about his friendship with my girl!

[Timshel]

Right....do keep in mind, brianmann, now that you've shared it...she and anyone she gives your user name to are able to read every post you make from now till eternity.

[Timshel]

Ok, I see that you did not show her the posts. Good move.

[lolablue17]

You did well, my friend.

 

You don't have to make changes in one big move such as the conversation or the double date. You just have to continue with your constant persistent attitude not to give up and not to be a wimp with things that are important to you.

 

When you talk about it again today or tommorow, you can say that you expect more transparancy in all aspects. For example - tell her that you do not wish to violate her privacy, but can she look into your eyes and say that there isn't anything sexy & flirty between her and her guy friend? You can say that if she asks, you are willing to show her your phone content immediately. Ask her "If I would look at your texts with him, would it make me worry"?

 

Tell her that sometimes you expect her to spend more time with you and making less plans with her friends instead of being with you. As long as you do it in a non confrontational way, with a lot of patience, being calm, and cool during ALL the time of the talks.

 

Don't be too carefree. She might show resentment, and even threat to leave you, but you should be like a rock that can't be moved and always be prepared to end it.

Edited July 23, 2016 by lolablue17

[Keke1]

This girl will cause you heartbreak in the near future. You aren't compatible with what she has going on.

 

As a guy who went through my Ex GFs phone. Found out things and continued the relationship like a fool, I'm telling you to leave. Your brain will thank you immediately. You are going to be worrying about almost everything she does. Who is that she's texting? Why didn't she pick up the phone? What's taking her so long to be ___?

 

Get out while you're still sane and young. Don't let anyone treat you like that either.

Too many red flags to just ignore man

[Bichunmoo]

Listen to me very carefully. Everything you said is a red flag and even disrespectful. This is exactly what you do. Don't tell her anything. Cheat on this stupid girls ass. This girl is a no good, disrespectful b**** Not worth your time at all bro. Leave immediately, BUT you should hurt HER before you leave. Go fall in love with a beautiful woman who treats you with respect and love and then just leave THIS woman in the blue.

[JS84]

Still think you're spinning your wheels with this girl but you handled it well so far at least. I agree with Keke this girl is going to screw you over sooner or later if she hasn't already.

[Space Ritual]

She told me that once I got to know her friend better I’d understand that he was just an ‘old and dear’ friend and nothing more, and I could even get to know his gf. She even encouraged me to ask him whatever I wanted, so I could also get the truth from her friend himself.

 

Right out of the cheaters handbook...you are being gaslit

 

Come on kid, this simply gives them time to get their stories straight...

 

This is not unusual and is basically the kiss of death. If you fall for this line of crap I have Oceanfront property in Kansas to sell you.

 

Your relationship is doomed. You will be the last to find out. Sorry kid, but this is not the first time this scenario has played out in this forum with the all too expected result. they may cool it off for awhile, but when your defenses are down it will start right back up.

 

But don't take my word for it, find out for yourself.

[Space Ritual]

Cheat on this stupid girls ass.

 

 

Once that is done then he is no better than her if in fact she is cheating. I submit to you that you probably are dispensing this sage advice:rolleyes: from a point of hurt. And while it's ok to be hurt, an undertaking such as this is hardly going to bring the intended result.

[brianmann]

Hey, sorry but I was unable to find the time to reply until now.

 

Well, we all went out Saturday nite and before I get into any details let me just say that it went mostly well. I was trying to detect anything funny going on, because as I said I also suspected a possible set-up, but I honestly couldn’t pick up on anything. I detected no ‘cuing’ or subtle communication between anyone. My basic feelings after the date were mostly positive, but not entirely. I’m pretty sure she isn’t actually cheating on me, no, but it was also quite apparent that the two of them were very close. The impression I got of them was something like brother-sister or bestys. In fact, if I didn’t know them I would have probably thought they were siblings or perhaps roommates. They were very comfortable around each other and although I had no good reason I admit I was still jealous just because my gf seemed to act more natural around this guy than me. I mean, it was obvious that he still knows her a lot better than me, and I also was pretty sure from how they acted that he probably still knew many things about her I didn’t.

 

I also got to know her friend a little, we talked a lot and I admit he seemed like an alright guy. But I didn’t like that his gf isn’t nearly as good looking as mine (for obvious reasons). Nevertheless, it seemed obvious that they were really a couple, but I’m not sure how serious. All in all we all had a good time and I admit I feel a bit better about the situation now, since I don’t think she’s cheating, but I still can’t help but feel uncomfortable about how close they seem. I guess I would say she’s ‘emotionally attached’ to the guy, to use the common term although I don’t really like it. ‘Emotional affair’? I could tell from how she talked to him and acted, but for the most part she didn’t do anything that bothered me. There were a few things that I didn’t like at the end of the night - she was getting a little touchy with him and her goodbye hug was a bit over the top - but afterwards we talked about it and she admitted to me that it was inappropriate. She was very apologetic about it and after talking with her I’m honestly convinced it was just a result of their ‘closeness’ and not anything sexual. She told me they’ve been friends a long time and grew up 2 blocks from each other, so it does make some sense.

 

Anyways, afterwards we talked a long time and I told her that I don’t care if she hangs out with old friends, but I didn’t like the fact that she seemed to have more time for her friends than me, especially if one of them was a guy. I felt like a third wheel. At first she got a little defensive and went into a long explanation about her schedule and routines, but eventually she admitted that she would feel the same in my shoes, and she agreed to cut back on the time she spent with her friends, especially this guy, and to try and make more time for our relationship. We also agreed to go out on more double dates, and I promised to try and get along with her friend and to trust her.

 

So I guess we’ll see how it goes now. I’m still feeling a bit sketchy about it, but at least I'm now pretty confident she hasn’t been actually cheating on me.

[Marc878]

You'll know one way or the other before long.

 

Eyes and ears open mouth shut.

[frus69]

Do not date people who has very close opposite sex friends even if they are not cheating, yet.

She's not cheating on you cuz your relationship so far is dandy. But wait till you guys hit a rough patch , she will go to him for support and be all vulnerable and cheating is going to happen

[Lois_Griffin]

So I guess we’ll see how it goes now. I’m still feeling a bit sketchy about it, but at least I'm now pretty confident she hasn’t been actually cheating on me.

Any little twit who makes this claim:

 

2. She admitted to me that she doesn’t really like my penis. I am circumcised, and she told me that the sex is a little ‘rougher’ and ‘hurts more’ with a cut penis. She also said that uncut was ‘way more fun to play with’ when it came to hjs and bjs. (She had been with one of each before me) It was particularly painful when she told me she could ‘always o’ with the uncut guy, since I know she has yet to with me. Now naturally she tries to downplay it and not make me feel inadequate. She’ll say things like ‘I don’t really care that much about sex’ and ‘relationships aren’t based on sex’, but apparently it’s a big enough of a deal that she has looked into foreskin restoration and encouraged me to try it, so naturally this affects me.

 

is an idiot. But you can't really expect any more from a 20 year old.

 

I'd dump her sorry ass based on THAT crap alone.