Women be honest: What makes you cheat on a loyal partner?

[redbaron007]

To put it in a nutshell, it's a values mismatch. If your core values include being faithful, you will NEVER cheat. Whether you are a man or a woman, whether you seek validation or not, whether you took each other for granted or not, whether the other partner cheated or not, whether there was financial stress, or postpartum depression, or OM/OW was pursuing hard, etc. etc., all these things don't matter.

 

One can cite a thousand "reasons" that led them to cheat, but if your core values include being faithful, you will be faithful, everyday, through your entire relationship, however bad it may be. There are many men (myself included) and women, who will never cheat under ANY circumstances, because being faithful to our spouse/SO is one of our core values.

Edited August 17, 2016 by redbaron007

[maryquitecontrary]

I just want to know, one thing. If the guy totally respects you and you love him, what are the main reasons that would lead you to cheat on your partner ?

 

I was not cheated on by my girlfriend (as far as I know). However, I hear stories even from my father, that you cannot trust women.

 

Consequently, I have this big dilemma in my life. It is very difficult for me to totally trust my girlfriend. I always think that even if I do my best, she may find a guy that will seduce her and **** up everything. What I cannot stand is the fact that I KNOW she is trustful and I ain't totally secure yet. Even if she would be attracted to another guy, she would tell me.

 

Why is it so difficult for me to get rid of this fear ? If I look at myself at the mirror, I can see a very confident guy (I seriously can). But still, I can't overcome these thoughts that a certain guy may try something towards my girl. I will not be humble here, I was always very successful with women, but when I fall in love, it feels as if she was the only one in the planet. Then, insecurity kicks in.

 

I have only cheated once and it was because there was severe abuse and neglect going on for years. My husband didn't touch me for well over a year even though I tried. He even pushed me away when I went to hug him. So, after 17 years of faithfulness and several years of no sex, many years without kissing-- when a guy I trusted and had feelings for showed me attention and made me feel wanted I went for it.

 

It's not something I would normally do. I've had relationships since my divorce and when I'm with someone I normally don't even look at another man. Btw I tried to leave the marriage first, but my husband was a divorce and family attorney and no attorneys-- even the ones I called hundreds of miles away-- would help me leave him. So I said screw it.

[fireflywy]

I think one of the reasons that people cheat and why cheating is on the rise is because society is becoming more and more materialistic and instantly gratified.

 

We are now inundated with the You Only Live Once message and this idea that we DESERVE happiness even if it comes at the expense of causing other DECENT people severe pain. Its the worlds newest lie. The truth is we don't at such wages.

 

Coupled with this, we have become a world where everything is highly sexualized and sexual partners, even if we are afraid of openly broadcasting the number, have become a messed up barometer of our supposed value and desireability. So naturally, when things become "stale" (I call it people being LAZY and complacent) we want our cake and eat it too without doing the HARD work to shore up the relationships which matter or leave and work through the pain of separation which can force us into being better individuals.

 

We have instant movies, music, communication, fast food drive throughs, crappy products which break and we quickly replace rather then fix or build them to last like we did 50 years ago, etc, and we have come to view people as the same. Combine this with YOLO, constant media bombardment about sexuality and desireability (not to mention our social circles), materialism, and BAMM! You have an environment where its so much easier to indulge in temptation and doing wrong, then being strong and doing what's right.

 

Its a sad world.

 

P.S. If you're in an abusive relationship where you REALLY aren't getting love but you're HONESTLY trying, don't cheat. Muster up some courage, face whatever it is you have to face, and LEAVE.

Edited August 18, 2016 by fireflywy

[Omei]

Nothing because I break up with people I don't want to be with anymore instead of cheating on them.

 

People who cheat are selfish liars there's nothing a loyal partner does to deserve to be cheated on cheaters blame their partners for their affairs but it has nothing to do with them it is 100% the cheaters fault for their own actions and not leaving the relationship.

 

I'll never cheat because I don't want to be a dishonest person in a relationship anyone who's cheated and thinks they're still honest good people after is a joke hurting people you claim to love to that degree makes you unkind.

Edited August 19, 2016 by Omei

[Mr_Fox]

Some people just get an extra kick out of cheating on their partner no matter how perfect the partner is.

 

The fear of getting caught and the naughtiness of it is what turns them on.

 

They may be getting plenty of sex at home but that won't stop them either.

 

But there are many different reasons for it including boredom, lack of sex and affection at home.

[PrettyEmily77]

No matter the motives or reasons, I'm assuming people of either gender cheat because they can. You can only cheat if you have a willing partner.

 

I don't have the stomach for it myself; not just because of any moral issues, but because I couldn't lie to someone's face that I'm meant to have feelings for about something that would require such a concerted and consistent level of deception - that's just not in my skill set.

 

It doesn't make the betrayed partner a good or a bad person by default, though - the betrayed partner doesn't magically become a paragon of virtue because they got cheated on.

 

Three sides to every story, etc...

[salparadise]

Well, as evidenced by the variety of good theories posited in this thread I think is safe to say that it's complicated, usually irrational, and motivations may be conscious or subconscious. Indulgence in inductive pondering, I am wanting a larger framework and arrange the data such that it seems logical and digestible. I think there are three primary factors, and usually all three must coincide... but not always. Sometimes two may be sufficient. It's a working theory.

 

Personality

entitlement

disingenuous

self-focused

low self-esteem

sexuality used as a coping mechanism

integrity

boundaries

super ego

 

Unmet needs

validation

attention

emotional intimacy

sexual/sensual fulfillment

respect

dedication

security

 

Opportunity

attraction

interest

exposure

time and place

confidence in other's discretion

situationally limited

other directly addresses deficits

[drifter777]

OP never said that women cheat more or less than men. He just asked why a woman would cheat on a loyal partner.

 

I agree with most of the reasons listed above. I would add to the "Needs not being met" reason with the fact that many cheaters "needs" are unreasonable or irrational. No man will treat you like a queen forever. And "often enough" is dependent on a lot of factors. Real life intrudes on this fantasy when he - and she - needs to work 40 to 60 hours per week to keep up with family expenses. A child or two makes intimate time much, much harder to cum by and, when the opportunity does present itself, one or both of them might simply be too tired to get busy. Now, if either H or W sits back and reflects on this they could easily and quickly come to the conclusion that their partner isn't paying enough attention to them and their sex life sucks and all those other reasons a WS gives for cheating. All of this is to say, often times the WS "needs not being met" is part of the immature, selfish, entitled view they have of marriage.

 

One thing that has always both bothered and confused me is how some married, engaged, committed woman will drop her panties in a heartbeat for some "famous" actor or musician or athlete or even a male stripper. I've read some interviews with athletes & male strippers about this subject and they seem to be as puzzled about the why as I am. Of course they are all to happy to take a couple gals to bed every night but come to have zero respect for women in general. Completely unfair to judge all by the actions of a few, but they see it as pretty much every woman they interact with will go for a quickie right now if he wants it. Lots of them - especially the male strippers - will not have a committed relationship due to their low opinion of a woman's ability to stay faithful. Any ladies who have cheated or would cheat under these circumstances care to comment?

[jen1447]

Regarding your particular situation, it sounds like YOU are the one that has a lot of work to do regarding your own insecurities. Until you get that under control you risk making mountains out of molehills which could end up destroying your relationship.

 

And STOP listening to other people bellyache about women and relationships. They're often speaking from their own jaded experiences rather than from a place of clear perspective. That doesn't help matters.

 

Repeated for truth.

 

Any ladies who have cheated or would cheat under these circumstances care to comment?

 

Sometimes it's just about lust.

[cupcake888]

I've never cheated and never would. I think it all boils down to how selfish are you and what is your capacity for empathy? I've always been an empathetic person, and the first love I had not only cheated on me with several girls, but also slept with my mom. This was over a decade ago but I remember it just crushing my sense of self worth to dust at the time. Honestly even if this never happened I don't think I'd ever be the cheating type, but after seeing how horrible it feels to be betrayed like that I made a vow to never be the cause of that pain to another person

 

When I was married, it was to a guy who didn't have much of a sex drive (honestly I didn't think that was possible) and I guess I loved him so much I thought we could work through it. He seemed uncomfortable with his sexuality and I thought maybe with time he'd open up... I tried every trick in the book and it turned out he just wasn't a very sexual being. After years of this I began to develop little crushes on random guys- my physical therapist, a guy at work, a guy who worked at the grocery store... It was an escape and a way to fantasize about what was actually missing from my life. However I NEVER acted on any of these things nor would I have ever considered it. In fact, I felt so guilty about the crushes that I talked to my husband about it and we went to therapy, only to eventually split up amicably because we were BFF's but just not compatible in that area. ....Aaaand then I had my first summer fling ever with a guy 12 years younger than me. Very healing and even more so with a clear conscious, ha ha!