Worried I am Getting into Something...

[SpongePirate]

Hi there, I've come here for some advice and opinions on a guy that I am dating.

 

He has been nothing but lovely to me, but I am seriously worried that he is more damaged than I am able to deal with, and it is scaring me off, badly.

 

A few details to explain. We have been on four or five dates, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him, he's a nice, gentle guy, and we share a lot of interests. Good deal right?

 

Well... here are the two problems that are concerning me. First of all, he expects a lot of contact... a LOT... of contact. Pretty much all the time when neither of us are at work, he is texting me, or asking me to come on skype. This does not work for me, because I am a very busy lady who runs a business on side of my full time job, so I do have a lot to get on with. I enjoy talking very much... but... am I the only one who thinks that this much contact is TOO MUCH TOO SOON? It has only been about a month since we began talking. Even when I do not text back, he texts me hourly. I am not big on texting and never have been, (and I have a 250 message a month limit on my account, some of which I want to save for talking with family) but he keeps trying to bait me into long text conversations.

Now, this first issue, I know, we can talk about that, and put it behind us... the second issue is of far more concern.

 

He is a very sensitive guy, with a history of self harm, self hate, no self-esteem and depression. Now, I know, we all have a past, and I am absolutely willing to work with someone who has problems. The voice in the back of my mind tells me though, that combined with the contact issue I have already mentioned... I am dealing with someone EXTREMELY emotionally breakable... and I do not want to end up in a situation where I feel trapped, and obligated to stay with him for fear that he will hurt himself if I pull away.

 

I know, it is deeply selfish of me to think of myself over someone who clearly needs help and support, but I am easily frightened off by high maintenance men, and being trapped in unhappy relationships...

 

I enjoy spending time with this guy, but I am terrified that I will hurt him, and that he needs someone more-able to give him constant attention than I am... and that does not bode well for a relationship. So could I please get some gentle advice on what I should do?

Should I try to persevere and talk this through with him, or should I try to back out now, before I risk hurting him too badly and driving him to do something bad to himself... and if the latter is the course of action... how on earth can I do it without breaking his intensely fragile image of himself.

[bachdude]

First, when you say "talk through this with him", my reaction is I am not sure this requires a lengthy talk. I think all it requires is for you to say that this level of contact with you will not work, for the reasons stated above. At that point it is up to him whether this is something he can deal with. Of course you can say it kindly, but a big talk about it sounds like you feel you need to help him with it. But keep in mind that isn't your job.

 

 

So for me it's a boundary issue.

 

 

I think once you set a boundary he will either accept it and learn to deal with it, and maybe even realize he is overly needy and seek some help or he will fall apart, or maybe something in the middle. But not matter what happens, he is an adult and he is responsible for his own feelings and actions, not you.

[elaine567]

Your gut is screaming at you here, I suggest you listen to it.

It is not your job to "fix" this man.

Walk quickly away.

[ChickiePops]

It's not at all selfish for you to not want to take this mess on. It's actually selfish of HIM to put so much pressure on someone he's just met.

 

You're not his mommy and you're not his therapist. I agree with Elaine..your gut seems to be telling you something but you're letting unwarranted guilt trap you. Dump and move on.

[preraph]

You are having alarms go off and you should listen to those instincts. He is trouble and please take this seriously: The long you let this go on, the more invested he will become and the uglier it will get when you try to break it off. You need to break it off now and just say you're not right for each other and block him every way possible.

[SpongePirate]

I know, I was worried that my gut was telling me to run, I just... needed some other opinions.

 

I am a tenderheart though, so I am worried about how to let him down gently, as much as I know he isn't right for me, I still don't want to hurt him, or in turn, cause him to hurt himself. I need to handle the letdown very gently... because I know no matter how I handle it, it is going to hurt him. I think that is another thing that was scaring me... he's getting too attached to me too quickly... another certain way to scare me off.

 

Need to figure out a way to do this gentle.

[bachdude]

My guess is he may offer to change and want you to give him another chance.

 

 

I'm only saying this because you may want to be prepared for this.

[SpongePirate]

I know, that's very likely. It's definitely something I need to prepare an answer for. Gentle, but clear. I don't really believe in changing and second chances.

 

It's a shame, because there is every reason to date this guy... but the gut knows what it is talking about better than I do... it says get out now, before I hurt anyone too badly.

[Satu]

You can't be someones girlfriend and therapist at the same time.

 

Don't even try to do that.

 

Walk away.

[SpongePirate]

You can't be someones girlfriend and therapist at the same time.

 

Don't even try to do that.

 

I know, it's just sometimes tricky to tell them that gently enough not to damage them any further. He's such a nice guy, I just don't have the capabilities to deal with someone with these kinds of problems.

 

I just needed some opinions to confirm that I'm not an entirely terrible person for feeling the way I do.

[preraph]

I know, I was worried that my gut was telling me to run, I just... needed some other opinions.

 

I am a tenderheart though, so I am worried about how to let him down gently, as much as I know he isn't right for me, I still don't want to hurt him, or in turn, cause him to hurt himself. I need to handle the letdown very gently... because I know no matter how I handle it, it is going to hurt him. I think that is another thing that was scaring me... he's getting too attached to me too quickly... another certain way to scare me off.

 

Need to figure out a way to do this gentle.

 

One of the world's stalking experts, author and security to the stars, once said "People who can't say no attract people who won't let go." Stop being a weak tenderheart or you will always attract crazy people because you ignored the big red flags. They are much harder to get rid of if you put it off. Every interaction, they will consider progress toward romance. You are doing none of them any favor by giving them irrational false hopes. Do what anyone else would do and just text him "We're not right for each other. Have a nice life. Good bye." Then block him. Do not make any excuses because some guys will wait if you tell them, "not ready right now" or whatever. Do not leave him any hope or any way to reach you.

[blackcat777]

It's not your problem if he can't handle it.

 

It's called dating. People date to explore compatibility. If there is none, move on. This guy's red flags sound incompatible. Anything less than honesty in dating is ultimately a crime against yourself.

 

Don't let this guy manipulate you.

 

If you feel this terrible early on, imagine what will happen if you don't extricate yourself now.

 

When I have to reject, I am honest (to a point) and polite. I would let people know that we're not a good match, and wish the best.

 

If he begs for an explanation, wish the best.

 

If he cries, wish the best.

 

Keep wishing the best, keep walking away. Don't even get sucked into a conversation because it's usually not best to launch into an argument or discussion over why you're rejecting someone. Any further conversation will become an attempt at bargaining.

 

Thanks.

 

Bye.

 

Bye.

 

Thanks.

 

Don't look back.

 

If he can't handle rejection, he shouldn't be dating. It doesn't mean you should continue to date him because he can't handle rejection.

[SpongePirate]

One of the world's stalking experts, author and security to the stars, once said "People who can't say no attract people who won't let go." Stop being a weak tenderheart or you will always attract crazy people because you ignored the big red flags. They are much harder to get rid of if you put it off. Every interaction, they will consider progress toward romance. You are doing none of them any favor by giving them irrational false hopes. Do what anyone else would do and just text him "We're not right for each other. Have a nice life. Good bye." Then block him. Do not make any excuses because some guys will wait if you tell them, "not ready right now" or whatever. Do not leave him any hope or any way to reach you.

 

Hey now, I think it is a bit extreme to call me weak just because I want to be gentle when letting down someone who has been a genuine gentleman. He is not right for me, that doesn't make him a stalking criminal. I have literally thrown abusive and cheating boyfriends out of my house with force in the past, I am a hardened and bitter woman when it comes to typical men. It is only the nice ones I try to be respectful with. Do not assume someone is weak because they want to be polite, especially to someone who is emotionally unstable. Not dangerous to me, just to himself.

[preraph]

Hey now, I think it is a bit extreme to call me weak just because I want to be gentle when letting down someone who has been a genuine gentleman. He is not right for me, that doesn't make him a stalking criminal. I have literally thrown abusive and cheating boyfriends out of my house with force in the past, I am a hardened and bitter woman when it comes to typical men. It is only the nice ones I try to be respectful with. Do not assume someone is weak because they want to be polite, especially to someone who is emotionally unstable. Not dangerous to me, just to himself.

 

You're right. I apologize for calling you weak. But you need to know that being gentle will only keep attracting people who will take advantage of the fact that you don't just be firm and tell them to go away. See the writing on the wall and cut it off before it becomes abusive. Why wait when you can see the red flags?