lana-banana Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 Things are going well, we have a house under contract, he asked my father's permission and we picked out a ring, blah blah blah. Right now I care less about the engagement than I do about the house, to be honest. I already know I want to be with him forever; a proposal is just a formality. I mentioned to my parents that we don't want a conventional wedding, but would rather just host a big reception for a small group of family and friends. Several of our friends have done this in lieu of concentional weddings and it's awesome---everyone can congratulate the couple and enjoy great food and drink in a relaxed environment. My parents like the reception idea but also pushed hard for a ceremony. "It's about family", "try to see it from our perspective", etc. Then: "well, what do HIS parents think?" The problem is...I have no desire for a ceremony. I love my boyfriend more than the world, and all I want is to be with him forever. But I want our wedding vows to be intimate and private. I also have zero desire to stand anywhere with a bunch of people staring at me. Just thinking about a wedding ceremony in front of everyone gives me hives. My boyfriend, a hyper-extrovert if there ever was one, would love a huge ceremony but isn't insistent on it and is more interested in the reception. His parents are neither religious nor traditional and probably wouldn't care either way. I worry if I try to strike some sort of compromise it will just start a downward slope that ends with the kind of enormous frilly wedding that only pleases the family. When you planned your wedding, how much weight did you guve to your family's wishes? Did it matter in the end? What would you have done differently? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 Congrats for the house, that's big news! Do you guys plan to have a very short engagement? Because if not, you are not in a rush to make a decision for ceremony and/or reception. You're not even engaged yet, so even a 6-month engagement puts you well into 2017. IMO it should be a decision primarily up to you and your BF. Families can fuss a bit, but in the end of the day, they'll be happy with the marriage anyway;) The only thing that may make a difference in my opinion is if one of the families has a strong cultural or religious reason for the ceremony. I got the gut feeling it is the case for your family since your BF had to ask for permission from your dad? If cultiral/religious reason is there, if I were you I'd consider some sort of ceremony (church or whatever they picture), just negotiate for a smaller number of people as you'd prefer. That sounds like a reasonable compromise to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 i married my... well, my husband - exactly two weeks ago. 2nd marriage for both of us -- we had a private ceremony 1st... a day before our actual wedding (i actually "stole" that idea from one of the members on here). it was just us & our two best friends: my maid of honor and his best man. that's it. we married in a beautiful park of our local castle & i wore the biggest dress... LOL. all fluffy and gorgeous! it was at night / night ceremony. after that, we enjoyed a lovely dinner - again, just the four of us. and we got to spend our official wedding night exactly the way we wanted to. the next day - our official ceremony looked a lot like our 1st wedding. no one knew we married the day before, so it was our secret. we did a ceremony again, a bit different... (in the private ceremony, we did our own vows... this was more official like) & went to a normal wedding reception... dinner. there were around 150 people - our families + friends. yes, we did take our family's wishes into consideration to some extent. i have a lot of family and so does my husband... in our culture, you just GOTTA invite some members... otherwise, you're going to cause a huge fight between families. so we had to do some things in the name of tradition but didn't really mind. we were well rested from the day before and totally relaxed because we took a huge pressure off by already being married... so we enjoyed our party. it was exhausting but i think it's like that with every big weddings. we had our fun and did our traditional things but at the same time... we did have to tend to our guests a little. it ended around 5AM and we just went to our room and collapsed. so... that was our idea and it worked for us - one ceremony was only for US, the other one was the one we compromised with our family. i enjoyed both of them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 Well, you're almost always legally required to have a ceremony when you get married- even if it's just a five-minute court ceremony with one or two witnesses present. It is a personal moment, so it's really your decision as to who you want to allow. I think if my parents were saying it was important for them to come, I would let them be there. If they're trying to tell you that you have to invite a bunch of other people, that's a different story. I don't think you should feel guilty for saying no to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 Why not have an intimate wedding? When I say "intimate", I mean no more than 50 guests as well as a short ceremony. You don't need a bridal party either. This way you will be compromising with your fiance and your family. My husband and I eloped for many reasons...one of them being that our parents were trying to force a big wedding on us and they wouldn't listen when we tried to tell them what our wishes were. They just became too insistent and rude about our wedding vision. We only wanted an intimate wedding of 60 guests. Our parents wanted 200 guests, a church ceremony and a bridal party of 10. We're not that type of couple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 DH and I married at city hall. It was awesome. So simple and intimate. We wrote our own vows, the Justice of the Peace was a lovely older man with darling little old lady assistants who were happy to act as witnesses for us. There were so many little moments between us that wouldn't have been possible if we'd had a larger ceremony. People kept telling me I'd regret not having a real wedding. 13 years later and I don't regret it at all. Now, my Aunt and Uncle also married at city hall, but they did it a bit differently. My Uncle and his Best Man wore suits, my Aunt work a knee length white dress and her Maid of Honor wore a wine colored knee length dress, a few friends and immediate family also attended in dressy clothes. Aunt and Uncle exchanged vows, they posed for pictures with immediate family and friends, then they went to a local restaurant for a big lunch. A friend of mine went to a little wedding chapel. The ones around here are similar to the construction of a very small church and used only for weddings. No planning, really. Just set a date, pay a fee, provide an officiant, and get married in a small, private, setting. She married there in a knee length white dress with just immediate family present and then they had a huge reception they planned in detail. You have a lot of options! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 My opinion is it's your marriage not your families. I do what is best for us (my wife and I) not for my family. Do what YOU want. Your marriage has very little to do with your family. Of they say "look at it from our side" you can reply "I have, but this is OUR day not yours. We have decided what works best for us. Feel free to have your own ceremony and get remarried if you want a wedding ceremony so bad. I'll be there if you choose to do so" Just throw it back on them. That's what I would do anyway. Plus I have zero problem pissing off family members cause it happens anyway. Guess what, they are still around for you even if you disappoint them from time to time. Not that I'm looking to piss people off, just that I realize you can't make everyone else around you happy all the time. And that making your own family (you and your husband now) is top priority. Even over your own parents. That's part of starting your own family. I would never marry a girl who lets her family dictate her life's decisions. That means she would choose them over me when it really boils down to things. A no go for me. That means I'm not as important as I should be in her life. I would do the same for my wife in reverse. I would choose her wishes over any of my family's wishes. If not. She can argue that she isn't the most important person in my life. That wouldn't happen with me. I would uninvite my family if it came down to it to put my wife's wants and needs before my families wants and needs. I expect the same from my wife. Thats just how in roll. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 I guess I don't get why you'd want to invite people to your wedding, but not have them watch you get married. If you're having a small reception for close family and friends, why wouldn't you want those same people at the ceremony? You can keep it informal, casual, small whatever, but I just don't really agree with inviting people to the reception but not the wedding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 The things you mention are exactly why I wouldn't want to go through the big wedding again. I was on the fence about it the first time and did it more due to outside pressure. Next time I'm going to be insistent on eloping though I've heard some horror stories from JP wedding so I would probably just want to hire someone to officiate or have someone close to us do it. In the end I think the family liked the reunion but it would have been more meaningful to me to spend that money on our house and/or a nice honeymoon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lana-banana Posted July 26, 2016 Author Share Posted July 26, 2016 I guess I don't get why you'd want to invite people to your wedding, but not have them watch you get married. If you're having a small reception for close family and friends, why wouldn't you want those same people at the ceremony? You can keep it informal, casual, small whatever, but I just don't really agree with inviting people to the reception but not the wedding. I just...feel so uncomfortable having a ceremony in front of other people, even my own parents. It seems so incredibly intimate and personal. I don't like the idea of saying all that in front of everyone. Then again I also have heart palpitations at the thought of walking in to a meeting late, so maybe social anxiety is playing a bigger role than it ought to be. Our friends only had their parents at the ceremony, and the (relatively small) reception was for the rest of us. I understand that approach. Also, given that many venues charge separate fees for receptions and ceremonies, I don't see the point in having a ceremony when I don't want a lot of people there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 I just...feel so uncomfortable having a ceremony in front of other people, even my own parents. It seems so incredibly intimate and personal. I don't like the idea of saying all that in front of everyone. Then again I also have heart palpitations at the thought of walking in to a meeting late, so maybe social anxiety is playing a bigger role than it ought to be. You realize the bride and groom are also the focal point of the reception, right? Conventionally, there's everything from a first dance to toasts with all eyes on you. Don't really see how a ceremony is much different but it's your comfort level that counts. Do what pleases you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lana-banana Posted July 26, 2016 Author Share Posted July 26, 2016 You realize the bride and groom are also the focal point of the reception, right? Conventionally, there's everything from a first dance to toasts with all eyes on you. Don't really see how a ceremony is much different but it's your comfort level that counts. Do what pleases you... Mr. Lucky At the last reception I attended, there were no toasts, and the bride and groom simply mingled with guests and caught up with all their friends and relatives. They did have a dance, but only one, and not until the end of the evening. Most people were content to enjoy the (wonderful!) food and drink and share their well-wishes with the bride and groom in conversation. I thought it was perfect because it was so relaxed. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced eloping is a better option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lana-banana Posted July 26, 2016 Author Share Posted July 26, 2016 i married my... well, my husband - exactly two weeks ago. I thought I posted this earlier but it apparently didn't go through. To the best and most important post in this thread --- CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so happy for you! Does he know he's the luckiest man in the world? :love: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 At the last reception I attended, there were no toasts, and the bride and groom simply mingled with guests and caught up with all their friends and relatives. They did have a dance, but only one, and not until the end of the evening. Most people were content to enjoy the (wonderful!) food and drink and share their well-wishes with the bride and groom in conversation. I thought it was perfect because it was so relaxed. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced eloping is a better option. I think eloping would be a great option for you too. I would only caution you to remember that this might cause a major family rift. Many of our family members were very upset that we eloped. Some of them even stopped speaking to us for a time. If you believe that you can handle negative reactions to your elopement, then by all means enjoy an elopement with your beloved. I would recommend a weddingmoon-elope to a resort and then have your honeymoon at the same place. Hire a professional photographer so that you have pictures of that special day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 Well, it's your day and it's up to you. But personally I think if the idea of getting married in front of a couple of close friends and family members is crippling to you, you might want to deal with that. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 I thought I posted this earlier but it apparently didn't go through. To the best and most important post in this thread --- CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so happy for you! Does he know he's the luckiest man in the world? :love: thank youuuu sooooooo much! :love: you already know we'd be super friends in real life. i wanted to write one more thing - go with your gut. it should be a day you'll enjoy, no stress... just what feels natural and right to the both of you. you can combine or do it like us -- two ceremonies. one a private one, the other more traditional. just do what feels good to you; trust me, i know the pressure is high and that it's hard to go against the family but... do YOU. it is YOUR day and the family will deal with whatever you decide to do, trust me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 (edited) The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced eloping is a better option. You might think of a less conventional way to celebrate, away from the usual banquet hall settings where receptions are usually held. Search for "unusual wedding receptions", you'll get many ideas and suggestions, this was one: Consider Non-Traditional Venues "Get creative. Consider a bed & breakfast, a public park, or an art gallery for your reception. Places that don’t typically host weddings may not have the same exorbitant prices as those that are well-known for being wedding venues." Your friends and family are going to want to celebrate your marriage with you. If you think outside the box, it can be more of a social gathering and less of a traditional reception... Mr. Lucky Edited July 26, 2016 by Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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