Relationship Ended - need understanding what happened

[JackJT86]

I needed some advice. I will try to keep it short and I'm sorry if I ramble on.

 

So I met this girl about a year ago for the purpose of getting married. She came from India to complete her Masters degree in Ottawa. After she completed that she moved to Toronto with her relatives with no job yet. During the time she was living with her relatives we had met online through a matrimonial website, but my intent was to date first and get to know the person before getting married. So we started going out and things were great. She didn't want to meet my friends until she had a job (she thought it made her look less if she didn't have a job). When she finally got a job I had to beg her to come with me to meet my friends and their wives and gf's. So after about 2 - 3 months of working she decided to quit her job and* went to Montreal to work for a "friend" who needed help with his business. She said it would be 2 months maximum. This happened over a course of 3 days that she left for Montreal. 2 months had passed and I was trying to talk to her over the phone everyday. It was Christmas time and I decided to surprise her in Montreal. When I got there she wouldn't give me the address to her friends business and instead said go to the mall close by and wait. I waited 2 hours, after a 6 hour drive for her to get off work. We had a great holiday weekend and celebrated Christmas and new years together. I came back home and she promised she would be back in the next week. She came back to Toronto with no job and this lasted 2 month. I insisted to help and she just said I don't need help from anyone. I was basically busy working from 8 to 5 and messaged her as much as I could. We would talk for a good hour or 2 at night as well. I lived 50 mins from Toronto so there was still some distance. She finally got one job working 8 to 4 and she was still upset that I was not present in the relationship even though every chance I got I talked with her and every night I would talk to her as well. I use to go spend every weekend with her at her apartment. So then this lead her to get a second job, so she was working from 8am to 11pm. This made it very difficult for me to talk to her, I tried my best and made my schedule around her breaks. I also talked to her parents before her second job to move this to the next step. There was an issue with my caste, so they kept saying no. So I explained I'm well educated, I am still from the same religion, and I have a great family. They kept saying no, and she did nothing to stand by me and argue a little for me. Even though she said she did all this second job and everything because I wasn't moving forward in getting to the next step of marriage. So after all this she started saying let's end it and that she's suddenly out of love(sent this to me as a text message ). I tried to see her and talk to her in person but she just wouldn't. I tried to drive 50 mins to her place for 2 weeks and she just would not see me for some closure. So one night a few days later I got a text from her saying "please forgive me". I saw it at 11pm and didn't reply because I was upset at that point. The next morning at 4am I got a message from her phone again saying it's her fiancé and he has known her a year longer than me and that if I wanted to talk to call him. I got this message at 730am and called her and asked if our whole relationship was a lie. She said no, that she had broken it off with him while she was with me. She jumped back to this guy in a matter of 2 weeks. This guy is also a different race than Indian, so I wonder if her parents never accepted him as well and that's why she moved onto me. I basically feel used because she never took anytime off of work for me and I found out that she took 10 days off of both jobs to go be with him in Montreal for the next two weeks. She didn't even let me have some closure face to face. I have lost 20 lbs over the last 2 weeks and have anxiety/adrenaline running through me from the time I wake up, until I fall asleep. I sleep for about 3-4 hours a night and have nightmares about her with other guys

[NTV]

It sounds like she was holding you as a plan b. Which is horrible to do to someone. as much as you may feel for her, you have dodged a bullet here. I say that because if she's looking at you like an option...Like she would a possible career path then she's not a good candidate for marriage.

What helps me the most when facing negative emotions is journaling. On top of the exercise that may help. The feeling won't last forever.

 

So my recommendation is to journal the emotions out and to move on and never look back.

 

Also... I am not sure how much I would trust a matrimonial matchmaking website.

 

Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP.

 

You say that she was suddenly out of love, but honestly, it doesn't really sound as they she was ever in love. Your relationship was very one-sided with you doing all of the legwork. Her saying you weren't "present" enough is just an excuse, becasue she's trying to blame it on something other than her own shady behaviour.

 

I also don't believe she ever really broke up with her fiance to date you. Instead, she was probably feeding him loads of excuses too until she decided to pick him. It should have been a major read flag when she disappeared off to Montreal then refused to tell you where she was supposedly working. I would bet my bottom dollar the "friend" she was helping was her fiance.

 

You need to forget about her. She isn't an honest person, so in the end, this will be a blessing in disguise. In the future, don't go bending over backwards for someone who isn't meeting you half-way. There were some pretty glaring red flags you overlooked here; next time, pay closer attention to them so you can safeguard your heart.

[JackJT86]

Thanks for the replies... I was just trying to figure out why this hurt so much because I have been in a relationship in the past which lasted 5 years and this one barely lasted a year. My previous relationship never hurt this much maybe because we both parted ways happy and there was a face to face discussion before we did so. We both mutually worked on our relationship and it was not just me doing the work all of the time in my 5 year relationship. I am trying to take it a day at a time, just the thought of her makes me weak. But as you mentioned soon she will be a memory. I guess I learned my lesson and it will only make me stronger.

[Satu]

snip

*I have lost 20 lbs over the last 2 weeks and have anxiety/adrenaline running through me from the time I wake up, until I fall asleep. I sleep for about 3-4 hours a night and have nightmares about her with other guys

 

She isn't worth it.

 

 

Nobody is.

 

 

Start taking proper care of yourself, which begins with:

 

 

Eating enough and eating healthily.

Drinking enough water. At least 2 litres a day for a male.

Getting a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Doing some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell, go to see your doctor.

If you are on any prescription meds, take them as prescribed.

 

 

Thats what you need to do to avoid becoming ill.

 

 

Take care.