Ex is Now Engaged and Here I Go Again

[FTM042014]

Through a friend of an acquaintance I found out last night that my ex gf just got engaged to the guy she went to right after me. They've been together 11 months. I'm devastated AGAIN. The fact that it's continuing to work reinforces my negative self image. This is the shortest relationship I've ever been in but the hardest to get over.

 

I'm sitting here knowing she's following through and doing with him all of the things she intimated she saw doing with me. And there were only two months between me and him. How do you deal with something like this? I got blindsided by her dumping me after she acted like she was head over heels for me. And now this. It's as if she detached from me and transferred her feelings to him so easily. I spend quite a bit of time alone when not at work now because my friends are all in relationships. I'm by myself while she's been having the time of her life this past year. It's like our relationship was nothing to her.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Through a friend of an acquaintance I found out last night that my ex gf just got engaged to the guy she went to right after me. They've been together 11 months. I'm devastated AGAIN. The fact that it's continuing to work reinforces my negative self image. This is the shortest relationship I've ever been in but the hardest to get over.

 

I'm sitting here knowing she's following through and doing with him all of the things she intimated she saw doing with me. And there were only two months between me and him. How do you deal with something like this? I got blindsided by her dumping me after she acted like she was head over heels for me. And now this. It's as if she detached from me and transferred her feelings to him so easily. I spend quite a bit of time alone when not at work now because my friends are all in relationships. I'm by myself while she's been having the time of her life this past year. It's like our relationship was nothing to her.

 

As you've done before, regroup and move on. It's tough, but some times all of that future talk is just that...talk and for the moment. It is hard to admit that some times those who claimed to love really didn't in the end. There are people who really drown themselves into the moment and lose sight of the reality of their feelings. I know we should enjoy the present, but too much of our feelings are really about the moment and often, not objective.

 

I think your gf found someone who meets all of her needs. I don't know your history and you don't share it here. Your relationship couldn't have been all that great and the circumstances for your break-up would be helpful. But, in the end, she seems to be the overly emotional type. After two months and engaged?! That indicates a red flag about her frame of mind...just my opinion.

 

BTW. How old are you? Your ex?

[NIGHT1985]

I can relate. My ex is already pinning wedding stuff on her Pinterest, and they've been dating for 4 months. It's a punch to the gut. I can also relate to all my friends being married and having kids/settling down. Makes me feel so behind everyone else and that there is something seriously wrong with me.

[SevenCity]

The hardest RL for me to get over was 11 months as well. It took me a full 2 years before I could honestly say I didn't care anymore.

 

She filled my ears with "I love you's" like 40 times a day. For the first 6 months I held back and questioned them, but after that I believed her. She was gorgeous and the sex was amazing. Couple that with her "love" and I was done for.

 

Then I one day she just blew me off. We met up afterwards but it was clear nothing was left for her.

 

I also had to see her at work almost everyday. I cried like a baby for months.

 

Fast forward and I found out she got married. My first thought was "oh that poor guy"! Lol. Now I don't even care. I admit I will think / dream about her once and a while but I have no feelings for her at all.

 

I know it is painful now, but you will get past it.

[FTM042014]

As you've done before, regroup and move on. It's tough, but some times all of that future talk is just that...talk and for the moment. It is hard to admit that some times those who claimed to love really didn't in the end. There are people who really drown themselves into the moment and lose sight of the reality of their feelings. I know we should enjoy the present, but too much of our feelings are really about the moment and often, not objective.

 

I think your gf found someone who meets all of her needs. I don't know your history and you don't share it here. Your relationship couldn't have been all that great and the circumstances for your break-up would be helpful. But, in the end, she seems to be the overly emotional type. After two months and engaged?! That indicates a red flag about her frame of mind...just my opinion.

 

BTW. How old are you? Your ex?

 

I am 34 she is 27. She dumped me end of May 2015. Got with him August 2015. They've been together even since. So the engagement came a year later. This is actually her second engagement. Different guys. It was awesome when we were together. The breakup was totally out of nowhere for me. It was not long at all though. Very short and serious too fast. She wasn't over the guy right before me when she dumped me and moved on to an old ex after she dumped me. He is now her fiance.

[FTM042014]

I can relate. My ex is already pinning wedding stuff on her Pinterest, and they've been dating for 4 months. It's a punch to the gut. I can also relate to all my friends being married and having kids/settling down. Makes me feel so behind everyone else and that there is something seriously wrong with me.

 

I feel exactly the same. Like there is something wrong with me. When we were together she showed me her Pinterest wedding board. Now she's making it a reality with another man. I don't approach or talk about marriage with a woman if I'm not with her 100%.

[FTM042014]

The hardest RL for me to get over was 11 months as well. It took me a full 2 years before I could honestly say I didn't care anymore.

 

She filled my ears with "I love you's" like 40 times a day. For the first 6 months I held back and questioned them, but after that I believed her. She was gorgeous and the sex was amazing. Couple that with her "love" and I was done for.

 

Then I one day she just blew me off. We met up afterwards but it was clear nothing was left for her.

 

I also had to see her at work almost everyday. I cried like a baby for months.

 

Fast forward and I found out she got married. My first thought was "oh that poor guy"! Lol. Now I don't even care. I admit I will think / dream about her once and a while but I have no feelings for her at all.

 

I know it is painful now, but you will get past it.

 

She's been with him for 11 months now. She and I were only together for 2. I know...it's crazy that I'm still hung up on her. She made it seem like I was that guy for her.

[BC1980]

How do you deal with something like this?

 

You deal with it by knowing you will become indifferent one day. When my ex got engaged soon after our breakup, I had never felt worse. My self-esteem was shot. He was doing all the things with her that he said he was going to do with me. But today, I can't even remember how badly I felt. It's just a footnote to my life story. I could care less about him.

 

If you keep up NC and keep moving forward, you will become indifferent, and you won't be emotional about it. Right now, it's going to hurt like h*ll, but you will be okay in time. Keep holding onto that hope that you will be okay.

[FTM042014]

You deal with it by knowing you will become indifferent one day. When my ex got engaged soon after our breakup, I had never felt worse. My self-esteem was shot. He was doing all the things with her that he said he was going to do with me. But today, I can't even remember how badly I felt. It's just a footnote to my life story. I could care less about him.

 

If you keep up NC and keep moving forward, you will become indifferent, and you won't be emotional about it. Right now, it's going to hurt like h*ll, but you will be okay in time. Keep holding onto that hope that you will be okay.

 

May I ask how long it has been since you found out he was engaged?

[BraveWoman40]

I can tell you right now exactly what you are going through because Im going through it myself; this woman is a commitment phob & what happened in your relationship is exactly how commitment phobs behave. The beginning of the relationship is wonderful, it feels as if you have met your soul mate, the connection is very deep, the sexual bond is very strong, they tell you they love you and how happy they are to be with you and have you in their life. Then things start to change, you talk about moving in or maybe even getting married, they may say its something they want but in reality it isn't because that is exactly what it is, reality, the fantasy part of the relationship is over & now reality is setting in that this is a real commitment and they start to panic, some may start to be physically sick to their stomachs or have headaches, some even have panic attacks. Then one day, completly out of the blue they end it, you are in complete and utter shock you never saw it coming, you were so happy, you cannot understand it. They walk out leaving you hurt, angry, heartbroken and devastated.

 

How do I know all this, because my ex did this to me, after 13 months he told me he was miserable that he was ending the relationship and had to make major changes. Well the major changes are he has now with someone else, she has moved in with him which I believe was decided on 1 week after he left me, he left me 6 weeks ago, she just moved in with him last week. He told me 2 weeks before he left me he didn't want to live with anyone 24/7 right now including hos son who is 23 & whom he does not have a relationship with because his marriage of 26yrs ended due to his drinking. He has been sober 4 yrs and the woman he now lives with has also been sober 4yrs. He swore to his brother in front of me he would never date another woman of AA again, too much drama and too many issues. All BS, and big red flag I really should have paid attention to but didn't because he explained in a very reasonable way, something these commitment phobs are good at; even though he hasn't lived with his wife in 6yrs he STILL ISN'T DIVORCED!

 

I am seeing a therapist, it helps greatly but also get yourself the book He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol. It is all about commitment phobia and it tells you how to recover from this type of relationship. Also, take care of yourself, self protect, I have blocked him, her and everyone I knew through him on Facebook, not just so no one will contact me but also so I don't have to see anymore of this nonsense which is all on her Facebook page not his. I know how painful it is, I wanted to marry this man, he's 54 & I'm 39, but after finding out he is living with her and everything else I have come to realize he did me a favor, I could never trust him again, I definitely believe he cheated emotionally on me, as much as I miss him I can't stand the sight of him & I do not go by where he works or where he still lives, both are near where I live. As hard as it is you will get through, I am and there are people who care & women who truly want a commitment, just as I know there are men who want the same.

 

Don't expect her to change, they don't only if they want to, its a pattern and they have to break it, but they will continue the same behavior and marriage or not her new relationship won't last, but DO NOT GO BACK! These people are toxic and we all deserve better. You can read my original post about what happened to me on here.

[FTM042014]

I can tell you right now exactly what you are going through because Im going through it myself; this woman is a commitment phob & what happened in your relationship is exactly how commitment phobs behave. The beginning of the relationship is wonderful, it feels as if you have met your soul mate, the connection is very deep, the sexual bond is very strong, they tell you they love you and how happy they are to be with you and have you in their life. Then things start to change, you talk about moving in or maybe even getting married, they may say its something they want but in reality it isn't because that is exactly what it is, reality, the fantasy part of the relationship is over & now reality is setting in that this is a real commitment and they start to panic, some may start to be physically sick to their stomachs or have headaches, some even have panic attacks. Then one day, completly out of the blue they end it, you are in complete and utter shock you never saw it coming, you were so happy, you cannot understand it. They walk out leaving you hurt, angry, heartbroken and devastated.

 

How do I know all this, because my ex did this to me, after 13 months he told me he was miserable that he was ending the relationship and had to make major changes. Well the major changes are he has now with someone else, she has moved in with him which I believe was decided on 1 week after he left me, he left me 6 weeks ago, she just moved in with him last week. He told me 2 weeks before he left me he didn't want to live with anyone 24/7 right now including hos son who is 23 & whom he does not have a relationship with because his marriage of 26yrs ended due to his drinking. He has been sober 4 yrs and the woman he now lives with has also been sober 4yrs. He swore to his brother in front of me he would never date another woman of AA again, too much drama and too many issues. All BS, and big red flag I really should have paid attention to but didn't because he explained in a very reasonable way, something these commitment phobs are good at; even though he hasn't lived with his wife in 6yrs he STILL ISN'T DIVORCED!

 

I am seeing a therapist, it helps greatly but also get yourself the book He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol. It is all about commitment phobia and it tells you how to recover from this type of relationship. Also, take care of yourself, self protect, I have blocked him, her and everyone I knew through him on Facebook, not just so no one will contact me but also so I don't have to see anymore of this nonsense which is all on her Facebook page not his. I know how painful it is, I wanted to marry this man, he's 54 & I'm 39, but after finding out he is living with her and everything else I have come to realize he did me a favor, I could never trust him again, I definitely believe he cheated emotionally on me, as much as I miss him I can't stand the sight of him & I do not go by where he works or where he still lives, both are near where I live. As hard as it is you will get through, I am and there are people who care & women who truly want a commitment, just as I know there are men who want the same.

 

Don't expect her to change, they don't only if they want to, its a pattern and they have to break it, but they will continue the same behavior and marriage or not her new relationship won't last, but DO NOT GO BACK! These people are toxic and we all deserve better. You can read my original post about what happened to me on here.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

When she dumped me she told me she didn't have that giddy feeling anymore. And eventually she admitted that she goes through this thing where she starts to have a gross feeling towards the person. That it wasn't the first time this happened. And she seemed so apologetic and genuinely remorseful in that moment. But as the weeks went by she got colder and more distant and when he came into the picture it was a wrap. I remember hearing her voice telling me that he was around. She sounded like she was on a cloud she was so blissfully happy. And it's lasted this long and they're getting married.

[NIGHT1985]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

When she dumped me she told me she didn't have that giddy feeling anymore. And eventually she admitted that she goes through this thing where she starts to have a gross feeling towards the person. That it wasn't the first time this happened. And she seemed so apologetic and genuinely remorseful in that moment. But as the weeks went by she got colder and more distant and when he came into the picture it was a wrap. I remember hearing her voice telling me that he was around. She sounded like she was on a cloud she was so blissfully happy. And it's lasted this long and they're getting married.

 

 

 

 

Yep. I remember talking to my ex and her telling me about her new guy when they started talking. I could tell that she was falling for him. "I really hope this works out but I'm not getting my hopes up". It was so hard for me to hear, because I knew she was never coming back. And fast forward to this month where the last time I talked to her she sounded so happy that she's in a great relationship and pinning wedding ideas and couples vacations. I've never felt so low in my life, because I'm the one that screwed up our relationship by not trying so hard. I don't think I'm ever gonna let go of this regret and guilt

[Satu]

*Through a friend of an acquaintance I found out last night that my ex gf just got engaged to the guy she went to right after me. They've been together 11 months. I'm devastated AGAIN. The fact that it's continuing to work reinforces my negative self image. This is the shortest relationship I've ever been in but the hardest to get over.

 

**I'm sitting here knowing she's following through and doing with him all of the things she intimated she saw doing with me. And there were only two months between me and him. How do you deal with something like this? I got blindsided by her dumping me after she acted like she was head over heels for me. And now this. It's as if she detached from me and transferred her feelings to him so easily. I spend quite a bit of time alone when not at work now because my friends are all in relationships. I'm by myself while she's been having the time of her life this past year. It's like our relationship was nothing to her.

 

If you had done NC, you would have saved yourself this hurt.

 

*Of what possible use is that information to you?

 

**Again, what use is that information?

 

There's a hole in your bucket where your progress leaked out...

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[BraveWoman40]

 

Her behavior right there is true commitment phobia, the bliss is the beginning, same as it was with my relationship and the way I know my ex is now with this new woman because its all over her Facebook page not his, but this is how it starts, very seductive. Even though she is getting married it doesn't mean she will and Im not trying to encourage you to have hope, believe me all it will do is bring more heartache. The hardest thing is you have to completely cuts ties, no contact whatsoever. Even tell your friends you don't want to hear anythinv else about her because I guarentee all it does is pour salt in the wound. After 11 months you need to start focusing on you and believe me I know its difficult but the end of a relationship is the same as a death, you have to grieve it in the stages. Its as they say "a death without a corpse"

 

Yes, I still miss my ex, but what I really miss was the relationship itself, being a couple, in hindsight I've learned there were things about the relationship that were not good, he would take 30 minutes just to order take out! Very indecisive, my heart goes out to you but again do all you can to have NO CONTACT with her and keep moving forward with your life you deserve better, I tell myself that everyday.

[BraveWoman40]

If you had done NC, you would have saved yourself this hurt.

 

*Of what possible use is that information to you?

 

**Again, what use is that information?

 

There's a hole in your bucket where your progress leaked out...

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

 

Excellent advice & exaxtly what I am now doing, I don't even drive by where he works which is on my way to work, its a few extra minutes but its worth it not to trigger my "need to know" because you, we really don't need to know.

[Satu]

When I removed a person who deeply hurt me, from my life, I did something I'd never done before.

 

I promised myself that I would never again speak that persons name.

 

I never have.

 

I've found it to be very empowering.

 

Recommended.

 

 

Take care.

[FTM042014]

I feel unwanted and worthless because she doesn't want me. And I know it's irrational and illogical.

[Satu]

I feel unwanted and worthless because she doesn't want me. And I know it's irrational and illogical.

 

Nobody can love you more than you love yourself.

 

Your primary, life-long relationship, is the relationship you have with yourself.

 

Get that right, and things will go better for you.

 

 

Take care.

Edited July 24, 2016 by Satu

[BC1980]

May I ask how long it has been since you found out he was engaged?

 

About 1.5 years. It took me about a year to reach indifference.

[FTM042014]

I operated on a motion that she has attachment issues and this is a pattern of behavior for her but this relationship continuing to work out flies in the face of that. It guts me. I did not expect it to go this far.

[Satu]

I operated on a motion that she has attachment issues and this is a pattern of behavior for her but this relationship continuing to work out flies in the face of that. It guts me. I did not expect it to go this far.

 

You would be better putting your attention on yourself and your own life, rather than trying peer into hers from the outside, don't you think?

 

She isn't making you feel the way you feel; you are.

 

 

Here's a clipping from my journals:

 

 

Sense of agency

 

"Your ability to take action, be effective, influence your own life, and assume responsibility for your behavior are important elements in what you bring to a relationship. This sense of agency is essential for you to feel in control of your life: to believe in your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks or situations. Having a sense of agency influences your stability as a separate person; it is your capacity to be psychologically stable, yet resilient or flexible, in the face of conflict or change."

 

 

To cultivate the sense of agency, we have to define our lives as being built out of the choices we have made. If it's raining and we get wet, we recognise that we got wet because we didn't take an umbrella when we left the house. We see where we are in life, as being the product of all the choices we have made. Some would say that this is untrue, because we didn't choose to be cheated on, etc, but what that person did didn't make us feel the way we feel; because nobody has the power to make us react in a certain way, or feel a certain way.

 

We chose to feel and react that way.

 

None of what you are experiencing is about her.

 

Its all about you.

 

 

Take care.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I can relate. My ex is already pinning wedding stuff on her Pinterest, and they've been dating for 4 months. It's a punch to the gut. I can also relate to all my friends being married and having kids/settling down. Makes me feel so behind everyone else and that there is something seriously wrong with me.

 

Be careful NIGHT. You start to think you have to play catch-up, you make more mistakes in relationship choices, etc. Is there any way that your being single and all your friends being married is leading your to behave in a manner that may be characterized as too pushy? Too much future talk? Too serious too fast? It just isn't your time. Take an objective examination of your relationships and learn from them. Is there something wrong with you? What do your friends think of you?

[bubbaganoosh]

I am 34 she is 27. She dumped me end of May 2015. Got with him August 2015. They've been together even since. So the engagement came a year later. This is actually her second engagement. Different guys.

 

Maybe what you should do is look at the big picture. Her second engagement to two different guys.

 

What's she doing collecting rings? What's to say that this relationship is all that and a bag of chips. The girl seems so flighty that she may do the same thing to this next victim.

 

You might want to consider yourself lucky. She seems like the kind that is out for herself at someone elses expense so if I were you I would think about that for a while and stop thinking that this girl did everything but walk on water.

[FTM042014]

Maybe what you should do is look at the big picture. Her second engagement to two different guys.

 

What's she doing collecting rings? What's to say that this relationship is all that and a bag of chips. The girl seems so flighty that she may do the same thing to this next victim.

 

You might want to consider yourself lucky. She seems like the kind that is out for herself at someone elses expense so if I were you I would think about that for a while and stop thinking that this girl did everything but walk on water.

 

This made me laugh which was much needed!

[FTM042014]

You would be better putting your attention on yourself and your own life, rather than trying peer into hers from the outside, don't you thinnk?

 

Yes definitely. You are 100% correct. This has been my weakness and downfall. This incessant need to know if they're still together or not. It's torturous. I'm off of my anxiety meds and I may need them again but I hate the haze and sluggishness. They help me feel more in control of my thoughts and actions though.