What about the moral MM?

[sandylee1]

Then why is the OP here asking this question?

 

And majority of people are going to see this situation as immoral so to each his own. Hey if hurting other people sits well with you...

 

Exactly! If I know I'm 5' 11", why would I ask a public forum if I am.

[Lady2163]

Then why is the OP here asking this question?

 

And majority of people are going to see this situation as immoral so to each his own. Hey if hurting other people sits well with you...

 

Lady designer- I have no beef with you. But I'm quoting your post.

 

IF we believe the OP and I think many of us believe her to be factual....

 

I read it over and over, "nothing justifies having an affair. No amount of bad treatment, or withholding of sex or basic incompatibility, justifies an affair."

 

Yet, what is the justification for mistreating a partner in the first place? Is it moral to be neglectful, withhold sex or to do a bait and switch after the wedding day?

 

I don't see a lot of people on here admit they were a bad spouse. It's quite amazing how many wandering spouses cheated on the "perfect" betrayed spouse.

 

I don't know if my exH cheated. It's been many years, I don't care if he did. I was a bad wife for those last couple of years. He had used prostitues before we were married, it's possible he did during that time.

 

His total neglect of me, his selfishness, his sabotage were all quite immoral.

 

But he wouldn't see it that way. He would tell you his bad behavior started when I stopped having sex with him. I would tell you his bad behavior made it impossible for me to get in the mood. Were either of us practicing good morals?

 

I really do believe the truly happy spouse doesn't stray. Unless they are chased and seduced and the circumstances are just right. Exception - some people are just dogs and chase anything,

[BettyDraper]

Lady designer- I have no beef with you. But I'm quoting your post.

 

IF we believe the OP and I think many of us believe her to be factual....

 

I read it over and over, "nothing justifies having an affair. No amount of bad treatment, or withholding of sex or basic incompatibility, justifies an affair."

 

Yet, what is the justification for mistreating a partner in the first place? Is it moral to be neglectful, withhold sex or to do a bait and switch after the wedding day?

 

I don't see a lot of people on here admit they were a bad spouse. It's quite amazing how many wandering spouses cheated on the "perfect" betrayed spouse.

 

I don't know if my exH cheated. It's been many years, I don't care if he did. I was a bad wife for those last couple of years. He had used prostitues before we were married, it's possible he did during that time.

 

His total neglect of me, his selfishness, his sabotage were all quite immoral.

 

But he wouldn't see it that way. He would tell you his bad behavior started when I stopped having sex with him. I would tell you his bad behavior made it impossible for me to get in the mood. Were either of us practicing good morals?

 

I really do believe the truly happy spouse doesn't stray. Unless they are chased and seduced and the circumstances are just right. Exception - some people are just dogs and chase anything,

 

If your spouse is being immoral by mistreating you, responding to that unacceptable behavior with cheating is not justifiable.

Nobody can "make" someone cheat. That is a decision that spouses make on their own.

[NTV]

FYI - a lot of folks get confuses on the difference between morals and ethics.

[ladydesigner]

Lady designer- I have no beef with you. But I'm quoting your post.

 

IF we believe the OP and I think many of us believe her to be factual....

 

I read it over and over, "nothing justifies having an affair. No amount of bad treatment, or withholding of sex or basic incompatibility, justifies an affair."

 

Yet, what is the justification for mistreating a partner in the first place? Is it moral to be neglectful, withhold sex or to do a bait and switch after the wedding day?

 

I don't see a lot of people on here admit they were a bad spouse. It's quite amazing how many wandering spouses cheated on the "perfect" betrayed spouse.

 

I don't know if my exH cheated. It's been many years, I don't care if he did. I was a bad wife for those last couple of years. He had used prostitues before we were married, it's possible he did during that time.

 

His total neglect of me, his selfishness, his sabotage were all quite immoral.

 

But he wouldn't see it that way. He would tell you his bad behavior started when I stopped having sex with him. I would tell you his bad behavior made it impossible for me to get in the mood. Were either of us practicing good morals?

 

I really do believe the truly happy spouse doesn't stray. Unless they are chased and seduced and the circumstances are just right. Exception - some people are just dogs and chase anything,

 

So you cheating on your H is okay if you are being abused. ... Okay

 

Me and my WH were not happy. He did not put enough into the M. When I complained that he wasn't meeting my expectations he translated that as abuse. I am sure there really are situations that involve actual abuse and I do feel thise situations are different but to cast every BS this way or every WS cheats when they are not happy is complete bull.

 

In other words I should have been the one to step out since my needs were not being met but WH was the one who did.

 

Most WS's seem to be conflict avoiders mine included. It was easier for him to cheat than fix himself or help me.

[mjsk]

I am genuinely astonished at the way many of you have attacked me and my views, feelings, opinions. I did not ask to be attacked nor did I ask to be judged. I just wanted others opinions.

 

It is not at all fair to place every woman into the same bucket. I am not ignorant, immature, or naive. If I were I would have found a way to spend 3 glorious years in his arms and bed soaking him up and learning all about him.

 

IT WAS WRONG! Therefore I didn't. IT WAS WRONG so he kept away from me, because near me he was not able to maintain control.

 

In a nutshell most of you are wrong in your assumptions. I guess when you're bitter and/or betrayed as the OW or BS all you know is to attack and belittle the woman who actually did it right.

 

Shame on all of you. If I had been dreaming up a love story of fairytale ending I would already be in his bed and would have the moment he messaged me. I did not, and do not plan to. I still have not had that conversation with him.

 

How about for once you all attempt to see something as it actually is, and pull your freaking claws in and spare someone stuck in the clutches of a terrible circumstance FURTHER pain and anguish. Honestly, is there enough self-hating and shame going on in our world for you to hate on us too?

 

Maybe, just maybe it's not ALL textbook, and maybe, just maybe some people do it right. And how is this for a thought, two good people end up slipping into something hard to ignore, and actually take steps to make changes BEFORE the affair actually happens.

 

Sometimes, maybe not all that often, but sometimes you don't know everything. You can all take your blankets back now, they're suffocating and they don't fit me.

 

Shame on all of you!!

WONDERINGHEART

I completely understand what you are saying here. I am also the OW who's been having an affair with a MM. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Who happens to be an ex bf from 7 yrs ago. I don’t know hiswife at all I only know what he tells me and he doesn’t bad mouth her at all.Hejust tells me that she is always stressed out and it brings down the rest ofthe family.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I get how you feel about the MM as I feel same way aboutmine. People tend to think things are just black and white when in realitythere are grey areas. I feel for you. I want out of this we both tried to walkaway but we seem to keep going back, not for the sex but because we have a deepconnection we have since we met. It’s the look in his eyes that just tell mewhat I need to know without him saying it. We never spoke about leaving ourcurrent relationships. I am not married but in a relationship. I honestly don’twant him to leave his wife and family for me, if he were to do so it should beon his terms and his own reasons not for me. I am not willing to leave my bfeither. We did speak about our feelings but not a deeply heavy conversation. Wejust know we both have this connection and still have feelings for eachotherand know the circumstances won’t allow us to be together. Just to fill you inthis affair has been going on for 2 ½ yrs now. It is not what you would call afull time affair as we only see eachother maybe twice a month and text at timesin between that. [/sIZE][sIZE=3]I do love my current bfbut it just isn’t the same as with my ex (MM). I wish you lots of luck! [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[waterwoman]

 

I don't know if my exH cheated. It's been many years, I don't care if he did. I was a bad wife for those last couple of years. He had used prostitues before we were married, it's possible he did during that time.

 

His total neglect of me, his selfishness, his sabotage were all quite immoral.

 

But he wouldn't see it that way. He would tell you his bad behavior started when I stopped having sex with him. I would tell you his bad behavior made it impossible for me to get in the mood. Were either of us practicing good morals?

 

I really do believe the truly happy spouse doesn't stray. Unless they are chased and seduced and the circumstances are just right. Exception - some people are just dogs and chase anything,

 

But that is the WHOLE point. He mistreated and neglected you, you withheld sex, he admitted to behaving badly in response, you were unfaithful. Its goes on and on back into the history of a relationship. Where did my marriage start to go wrong? Was it when H lost his dad and went into a deep depression and began to neglect the marriage, was it before that because I didn't support him enough at the time? Was it when he couldn't get a job and went back to university to train as a teacher, when we were struggling to cope financially. Was it when we had DS1 and then DD and life changed so much so quickly. Was it when I got PND and had to shut him out to protect myself? Was it when DS3 was born with learning difficulties etc etc .....and on and on. There is no marriage that I am aware of where only one spouse is responsible for all problems - and if that really is the case why didn't the other one DO something about it? That is a failure in itself isn't it?

 

But an affair changes the dynamic utterly and possibly terminally..because it is done in secret and it includes a third person and excludes one of the spouses.

 

There are moral/ethical responses to problems and then there are betrayals. I am OK with moral relativism if you must, but let everyone involved know that those are the rules you are playing by.

[SweetiePi]

Wondering.... I could have written this whole paragraph about my xMM. He has these beautiful, lively, icy blue eyes. They have appeared so worn and sad at the end of last year. Even down to the community functions and knowing the wife and how she is with him. She won't wear her wedding bands, neither does he. They live very separate lives. I even avoided him the first year I knew him because of the strong attraction until we were pushed to work together on a few projects. We do some volunteer work together.

 

 

I wish I could say your story is unique, but it is not. It would not surprise me for a minute if we both have/had the same MM lol

 

 

My advice (which I should have taken many months ago) is to run like hell! Don't look back or get more emotionally involved. It still hurts me even though it is over. He, on the other hand, compartmentalizes so well! He is happy go lucky and my heart aches when I have to see him (which thankfully won't be for another month).

 

 

ETA: don't let his "moral" demeanour fool you. Don't let his guilty conscious fool you either. He might not be a bad man, but he has poor boundaries as I have as well. Don't let his kind and compassionate - listening to you and helping you -nature (I am guessing here) draw you in.

 

 

Im new here, and struggling with a situation that has become too hard to bear. I met him 3 years ago at a community function. I felt like someone zapped me with electricity the moment I saw his eyes. I was instantly awed by him, but I was a married woman, with a fairly strong moral compass. I did nothing. I avoided him like the plague.

Edited July 27, 2016 by SweetiePi

[SweetiePi]

I could have written this too. He's the nice guy who has never considered an affair before and is of "high morals" pffft

 

 

I always told him if he was not such a "nice guy" who everyone loves and were a douchebag, I could tell him off and walk. He always likes to come off as the nice guy hero. Only diff is, I call him out all the time. He also did the heavy long in depth long conversations for months and goes cold for a month too.

 

 

Don't let his "kindness" and compassionate nature fool you. If you live in Canada, you and I could be both possible being led on by the same man.

 

 

Sometimes I hope he will just give up on me entirely, it would be a small (albeit painful) blessing.

 

If he finds someone else to be with, then it answers a hundred questions. That's something I wish he would have done over the past couple of years, at least then I would truly know exactly what I was.

 

He's not a serial cheater, so this situation while most ideal for me is unlikely. Why couldn't he just be scum lying serial cheater? That would undoubtedly make things so much easier!

[SweetiePi]

We share a similar story too Sunshine. This describes my xMM almost exactly.

 

 

 

For me AP was someone I admired. He was so kind and good....

I think I was looking to be saved and he wants to save the world. I think that's why we found ourselves where we did.

 

He may not be a "bad guy" he may be a "moral guy" but its not about him. What is it you want? What do you want out of this?

He asked you, now take the time to figure it out.

[wonderingheart]

It is astounding how many people read, half read, and don't read things. Specially when there are follow up comments. Here's a summary of what many of you have appeared to miss...

 

1. Unbeknownst to me - he left his wife over the weekend and is now in an apartment. We had not spoken for a couple weeks before he asked for a divorce. We spoke briefly when he told me he had left. We agreed time and space is best.

2. His wife is known in the community, we have mutual friends. She does not hide her nastiness - from anyone.

3. For the love of all things holy - I NEVER ONCE said his actions were moral. Y'all need to calm down with that. I said HE is a moral man. When moral men do immoral things, it can be devastating.

4. I admitted fully my morals are not nearly as strong as his - I am working on that.

5. We never discussed our marriages, or feelings, or any of that.

6. I never said any of it was right, nor am I excusing our actions. I really just wanted opinions. Did not realize I was opening the gates to a war. For that, I am sorry.

7. Some of y'all should really try to be nicer to people, carrying around all that hate and nasty must be tiresome....

[HappyAgain2014]

What ARE you looking for here? You've gone to great lengths to state your case and how different it is.

 

Problem here is it's still the same quacking duck (story) as most on the forum. It may seem different to you but the key components make it similar.

 

Please stay and post. As much as I'd like to be wrong, I don't think your story is going to end any differently than most on this forum.

[ladydesigner]

It is astounding how many people read, half read, and don't read things. Specially when there are follow up comments. Here's a summary of what many of you have appeared to miss...

 

1. Unbeknownst to me - he left his wife over the weekend and is now in an apartment. We had not spoken for a couple weeks before he asked for a divorce. We spoke briefly when he told me he had left. We agreed time and space is best.

2. His wife is known in the community, we have mutual friends. She does not hide her nastiness - from anyone.

3. For the love of all things holy - I NEVER ONCE said his actions were moral. Y'all need to calm down with that. I said HE is a moral man. When moral men do immoral things, it can be devastating.

4. I admitted fully my morals are not nearly as strong as his - I am working on that.

5. We never discussed our marriages, or feelings, or any of that.

6. I never said any of it was right, nor am I excusing our actions. I really just wanted opinions. Did not realize I was opening the gates to a war. For that, I am sorry.

7. Some of y'all should really try to be nicer to people, carrying around all that hate and nasty must be tiresome....

 

This is the thing.. YOU say he is moral, I'm sure he thinks he is moral

 

What is it that you are asking? What about the Moral MM? Being a MM who is unfaithful is not moral. A BS who is mistreating her spouse is not moral. I agree with all of this. What is it that you seek from LS?

[ladydesigner]

It is astounding how many people read, half read, and don't read things. Specially when there are follow up comments. Here's a summary of what many of you have appeared to miss...

 

1. Unbeknownst to me - he left his wife over the weekend and is now in an apartment. We had not spoken for a couple weeks before he asked for a divorce. We spoke briefly when he told me he had left. We agreed time and space is best.

2. His wife is known in the community, we have mutual friends. She does not hide her nastiness - from anyone.

3. For the love of all things holy - I NEVER ONCE said his actions were moral. Y'all need to calm down with that. I said HE is a moral man. When moral men do immoral things, it can be devastating.

4. I admitted fully my morals are not nearly as strong as his - I am working on that.

5. We never discussed our marriages, or feelings, or any of that.

6. I never said any of it was right, nor am I excusing our actions. I really just wanted opinions. Did not realize I was opening the gates to a war. For that, I am sorry.

7. Some of y'all should really try to be nicer to people, carrying around all that hate and nasty must be tiresome....

 

Just for the record having an A is pretty nasty and tiresome as well.

[wonderingheart]

What ARE you looking for here? You've gone to great lengths to state your case and how different it is.

 

Problem here is it's still the same quacking duck (story) as most on the forum. It may seem different to you but the key components make it similar.

 

Please stay and post. As much as I'd like to be wrong, I don't think your story is going to end any differently than most on this forum.

 

I'm not looking for a fairy tale ending or any approvals. I was hoping for advice and/or constructive criticism on how to move forward, how to walk away, how to move past it all. I just wanted to tell my story. Then everything changed the day after I had decided to "let it out" with the hopes of someone helping me make sense of it, or maybe I just didn't want to feel alone in my frustration and hurt.

 

Sometimes it's nice to just feel like someone else gets it, and made it through the other side in one piece. I was more or less trapped in my head and needed some help getting out of it. It Helped me tremendously until the bashing began.

 

I guess being human in this world is not acceptable. Regardless of what many people think, the feelings are real, the pain is real, the internal battle - it's all real. I never claimed anything to be different from anyone elses situation. If I thought I were different or better than anyone else, I sure wouldn't have come here. I value various opinions and constructive criticism. Sometimes the hardest words to hear are the words you need to hear. That's what I came for. The rest of the holier than thou attitudes I can certainly dismiss. No harm no foul.

[ladydesigner]

I'm not looking for a fairy tale ending or any approvals. I was hoping for advice and/or constructive criticism on how to move forward, how to walk away, how to move past it all. I just wanted to tell my story. Then everything changed the day after I had decided to "let it out" with the hopes of someone helping me make sense of it, or maybe I just didn't want to feel alone in my frustration and hurt.

 

Sometimes it's nice to just feel like someone else gets it, and made it through the other side in one piece. I was more or less trapped in my head and needed some help getting out of it. It Helped me tremendously until the bashing began.

 

I guess being human in this world is not acceptable. Regardless of what many people think, the feelings are real, the pain is real, the internal battle - it's all real. I never claimed anything to be different from anyone elses situation. If I thought I were different or better than anyone else, I sure wouldn't have come here. I value various opinions and constructive criticism. Sometimes the hardest words to hear are the words you need to hear. That's what I came for. The rest of the holier than thou attitudes I can certainly dismiss. No harm no foul.

 

wonderingheart I want to apologize if my posts came off as harsh. It's obvious I have a hard time understanding your POV. I am a fMOW so I am not unfamiliar with having an A. I don't even let myself off the hook for my A. It did not feel 'moral' to me even though I was not being treated kindly by my WH.

[HappyAgain2014]

I'm not looking for a fairy tale ending or any approvals. I was hoping for advice and/or constructive criticism on how to move forward, how to walk away, how to move past it all. I just wanted to tell my story. Then everything changed the day after I had decided to "let it out" with the hopes of someone helping me make sense of it, or maybe I just didn't want to feel alone in my frustration and hurt.

 

Sometimes it's nice to just feel like someone else gets it, and made it through the other side in one piece. I was more or less trapped in my head and needed some help getting out of it. It Helped me tremendously until the bashing began.

 

I guess being human in this world is not acceptable. Regardless of what many people think, the feelings are real, the pain is real, the internal battle - it's all real. I never claimed anything to be different from anyone elses situation. If I thought I were different or better than anyone else, I sure wouldn't have come here. I value various opinions and constructive criticism. Sometimes the hardest words to hear are the words you need to hear. That's what I came for. The rest of the holier than thou attitudes I can certainly dismiss. No harm no foul.

 

Fair enough. I don't bash or judge but I also don't sugarcoat anything.

 

Morality police aside, there are more people here who are trying to save you the pain. I'd recommend an open mind and a cautious heart.

[Lady2163]

I'm not looking for a fairy tale ending or any approvals. I was hoping for advice and/or constructive criticism on how to move forward, how to walk away, how to move past it all. I just wanted to tell my story. Then everything changed the day after I had decided to "let it out" with the hopes of someone helping me make sense of it, or maybe I just didn't want to feel alone in my frustration and hurt.

 

Sometimes it's nice to just feel like someone else gets it, and made it through the other side in one piece. I was more or less trapped in my head and needed some help getting out of it. It Helped me tremendously until the bashing began.

 

I guess being human in this world is not acceptable. Regardless of what many people think, the feelings are real, the pain is real, the internal battle - it's all real. I never claimed anything to be different from anyone elses situation. If I thought I were different or better than anyone else, I sure wouldn't have come here. I value various opinions and constructive criticism. Sometimes the hardest words to hear are the words you need to hear. That's what I came for. The rest of the holier than thou attitudes I can certainly dismiss. No harm no foul.

 

I know the first few times you read overly critical judgments on here can be a shock. Some people can be more hateful than others. In their black and white only beliefs, it is a non issue. "Of course you don't have an improper relationship with a married man. It is NEVER okay." People are outraged when others adamantly refuse to abide by their rigid morals.

 

Here's the bottom line for most affairs: you are starting a relationship that is in all probability not goof to treat you like you deserve. In most cases, there is no dating. There's no flowers or any gifts that can be traced. There's no spontaneous showing up. Maybe lots of last minute plans. Maybe lots of cancellations.

 

Side note: I knew someone who had had sex three times with her MM. She was ridiculously enamored. For the fourth time they were going to get together, he was going to spend the night at her place. I'm not exaggerating, she spent over $300 on that night. She bought new, expensive sheets. She had the house professionally cleaned. She had a couple of minor projects completed by a handyman. She bought lobsters for supper. Not only did MM have to cancel at the last minute, he then broke up with her a few days later.

 

But you see, you deserve much more than to get the scraps or crumbs a MM can offer. You don't deserve to be a dirty, little secret. You deserve someone who can introduce you to family, friends and do-workers. You're selling yourself short. You have the potential to be madly in love with someone who has to put very little effort into the relationship or into you. If you get too needy or whiny, all of a sudden wife of someone may be suspicious and he just needs a "few days" to cover his tracks and he can't text or call. Or worse, if the demands are too much, he can just vanish. In my late teens I was with a MM who did that. I was helpless. I couldn't go to his workplace. I couldn't go knock on his door and demand he talk to me. Poof. He was gone, no Dday, so he's still golden child, great husband, prefect father. And I'm all alone with nobody to talk to.

 

So, some people here try to make you feel bad and feel like you are a horrible person intentionally doing damage to an innocent bs. They could be venting some of their own frustration at you for things they never had the courage or opportunity to say to the OW. It's pretty easy to be superior, haughty, hateful and holier than thou over the Internet.

 

Then there are those of us that are trying to nudge you away from this path. Because we know what lies ahead. Because he isn't perfection. Because chemistry fades. Because you've been abused and don't deserve the limitations and sacrifices you are going to have to make.

[SweetiePi]

I won't bash you. I understand and have been a similar position as your MM sounds very much like my xMM. I understand the feelings and pain can be very strong and debilitating. Be careful moving forward. I learned the hard way that no matter how kind and sweet my xMM can be (I do think he genuinely cares for me) it is best to think with the head rather than the heart in these situations. By no means am I saying your situation will end as mine has. If you are anything like me and have an inner conflict and are in such pain, it will be a rocky ride. I usually think with my heart and that is what got me here in this much agony. I hope you don't have to suffer like that.

 

 

I'm not looking for a fairy tale ending or any approvals. I was hoping for advice and/or constructive criticism on how to move forward, how to walk away, how to move past it all. I just wanted to tell my story. Then everything changed the day after I had decided to "let it out" with the hopes of someone helping me make sense of it, or maybe I just didn't want to feel alone in my frustration and hurt.

 

Sometimes it's nice to just feel like someone else gets it, and made it through the other side in one piece. I was more or less trapped in my head and needed some help getting out of it. It Helped me tremendously until the bashing began.

 

I guess being human in this world is not acceptable. Regardless of what many people think, the feelings are real, the pain is real, the internal battle - it's all real. I never claimed anything to be different from anyone elses situation. If I thought I were different or better than anyone else, I sure wouldn't have come here. I value various opinions and constructive criticism. Sometimes the hardest words to hear are the words you need to hear. That's what I came for. The rest of the holier than thou attitudes I can certainly dismiss. No harm no foul.

[loveisanaction]

I am very straightforward, i don't hand hold nor do i baby anybody.

 

I will always warn the other woman to get out of her affair and i do so for several reasons...one of them i've already posted about.

 

Secondly, if i were a betrayed spouse and i came to this site and read people hand holding or babying the other woman and not warning her about the immeasurable pain that she is causing her married man's family and to herself, i would be mortified.

 

Thirdly, any one of these married men could be the husband to another member here.

 

We don't know who these married men are.

 

So, it's very easy to hand hold the other woman when it's not your husband she's sleeping with.

[NTV]

Advice on how to move forward? Has outta sight outta mind worked for you?

 

 

Or have you considered taking that one year after marriage of not seeing anyone and just re-discovering yourself?

[wonderingheart]

I would love to reply to all of the latest but it's a lot to reply to.

 

Thank you - all of you. That is exactly what I was looking for!! I need to feel strong and deserving and better than all of this. I needed someone maybe to just remind me of those things. When you're with an abusive man, and more so when the abuse is gradual and hidden, you don't always realize what is happening inside you until one day you wake up and look down to see that you're covered in bruises because you said "not tonight" for the last time.

 

It takes courage and strength to walk away from a man you've spent half your life with and have children with - yes even after that. Every ounce of strength I had in me did that, so when it came to MM I couldn't really muster up anything to even know how to proceed. It really is an inner battle when nothing makes sense in your life and you're trying to figure out how to start over.

 

I am deeply flawed and broken. I am not the strong woman I used to be. He is also, and it hurts me deeply because I do care about this man. I knew he needed to see his situation on his own to be able to do anything about it. He finally did, as did I, without either person pushing and demanding the other leave their marriage.

 

Since he moved out of our area, I have seen very little of him. I still do have to see him out and around, and I can go months without even speaking to him but the moment I have to see him again it's so hard to stay away. I try, God knows I've tried my damndest but I am still weak. I know I have to find my strength but I have to find myself first.

 

The hardest part is that I do know and love this man for the person he is. Not what "we have" or what "we do" but I love him and the more I tried to deny that, the harder it became to deny it. It's very frustrating!!

 

Thank you for the recent words of encouragement, I now feel like I have been yanked up off my butt and brushed off (even if by others) and like I can do this. I really truly feel like I can overcome this. I need time to heal from all of it. Including the A that I found myself in.

 

If one day after we are both healed and getting back to our true selves we find ourselves together, then I will be happy to see how that goes. For the right now, I believe we are both far to damaged to have much beyond some mild emotional support. If we build anything on this type of foundation it will not be solid.

 

Time is truly the only thing we both need. Years of belittling and verbal/mental/emotional abuse can cause far too much damage and I think we are both in that hell right now.

 

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I am so ready to find me (and all of my once solid and beautiful morals!!) and have a better life for my kids and I.

[RedOlive]

Stay strong, wonderingheart. You seem to have a very sobering perspective on your current situation and a solid plan going forward. It's inspiring. Also, if you have not seen this already this is a really great insight into abusive relationships from Leslie Morgan Steiner

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Thirdly, any one of these married men could be the husband to another member here.

 

We don't know who these married men are.

 

So, it's very easy to hand hold the other woman when it's not your husband she's sleeping with.

 

On the other board there is a guy torn between his wife and his OW. He posted a whole letter from the OW on his thread. I admit my heart stopped as it was similar to a lot of the stuff we all pour out to these guys. Thankfully it was not xMM, but you never know who you are talking to online.