Hobbies and Common Interests

[normal person]

I think common interests are quite important, at least in the sense for initial attraction and conversation.

 

"Hi there do you like gliders?"

 

"Yes I do"

 

That's my point, its impossible to walk up to someone in a coffee shop and say the following, without looking stupid.

 

"Hi there, I like gliders, do you also like them?"

 

For me I could think of nothing better than having someone who shared one of my passions as a girlfriend. Hence why to me common interests and passions are very important.

 

I'm not one for approaching people randomly and asking them personal questions like that. If you're resourceful, you could easily think of something circumstantial to say, like:

 

"Is that today's paper you're reading?"

"Is someone sitting here?", or some I've used successfully:

"Watch my jacket."

"Do you know what the cross street is here?"

"That's a fancy drink, what'd that cost?"

 

I think having a girlfriend with the same niche interests as you is something of a supplement, luxury, or maybe even a fairy tale. Your first priority should be wanting to be with the person, for whatever reason, and having shared values, goals, ethics, that sort of thing. If you tick all those boxes, does it really matter if one of you likes snorkeling and the other likes hiking? Sure, it would be great if you both liked the same thing, but that's wishful thinking in today's world. Plenty of people like sports. It doesn't mean that you can go to a game, turn to the girl next to you, and expect to connect with her on a deep level. All that stuff is basically cosmetic. Finding someone you want to be with first and foremost is infinitely more important (and difficult itself) than "shared interests." I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who like the same stuff I do who I'd never want to talk to in my life.

 

What percentage of people are we attracted to anyways, 3-5%? How many of those 3-5% fit our criteria with regards to lifestyle, morals, goals, ethics, etc? 10-20% of that? How many of those people like the same obscure thing as you? 3-5% of that? How many of those people feel the same way about you, 3-5%? How many people are we left with? A few dozen on the entire planet? Good luck ever finding them. The more specific the criteria you ascribe to a potential match, the more exponentially difficult it will be to find someone.

 

If you can't learn to compromise on "interests," you're going to have a long road ahead of you, I think. Never once have I gone out with, even met, a girl who liked the same things as me. At most there was a mild appreciation. What connected us was mutual attraction, having fun, learning about each other, good chemistry, etc. If you like the person enough, you'll tolerate and indulge whatever they want to do sometimes, and they'll (hopefully) do the same for you.

[ZA Dater]

I'm not one for approaching people randomly and asking them personal questions like that. If you're resourceful, you could easily think of something circumstantial to say, like:

 

"Is that today's paper you're reading?"

"Is someone sitting here?", or some I've used successfully:

"Watch my jacket."

"Do you know what the cross street is here?"

"That's a fancy drink, what'd that cost?"

 

I think having a girlfriend with the same niche interests as you is something of a supplement, luxury, or maybe even a fairy tale. Your first priority should be wanting to be with the person, for whatever reason, and having shared values, goals, ethics, that sort of thing. If you tick all those boxes, does it really matter if one of you likes snorkeling and the other likes hiking? Sure, it would be great if you both liked the same thing, but that's wishful thinking in today's world. Plenty of people like sports. It doesn't mean that you can go to a game, turn to the girl next to you, and expect to connect with her on a deep level. All that stuff is basically cosmetic. Finding someone you want to be with first and foremost is infinitely more important (and difficult itself) than "shared interests." I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who like the same stuff I do who I'd never want to talk to in my life.

 

What percentage of people are we attracted to anyways, 3-5%? How many of those 3-5% fit our criteria with regards to lifestyle, morals, goals, ethics, etc? 10-20% of that? How many of those people like the same obscure thing as you? 3-5% of that? How many of those people feel the same way about you, 3-5%? How many people are we left with? A few dozen on the entire planet? Good luck ever finding them. The more specific the criteria you ascribe to a potential match, the more exponentially difficult it will be to find someone.

 

If you can't learn to compromise on "interests," you're going to have a long road ahead of you, I think. Never once have I gone out with, even met, a girl who liked the same things as me. At most there was a mild appreciation. What connected us was mutual attraction, having fun, learning about each other, good chemistry, etc. If you like the person enough, you'll tolerate and indulge whatever they want to do sometimes, and they'll (hopefully) do the same for you.

 

 

 

All true and mostly correct I think. Hopefully the OP can find the middle ground you imply in the above, myself I want someone with share interest or at the very least shared appreciation. People battle to talk to others if there is no shared interest, the conversation is a lot more difficult.

 

 

OP basically needs to get mutual attraction first and them go from there but I understand why he is looking at mutual interest as a means of connecting to a person.

 

 

Have to say I really cant refute anything you say above (barring perhaps the conversation lines which I would never use).

 

 

My criteria were specific which I guess goes a long way to explain why people with specific criteria often just find nobody ever.

 

 

Good post by the way!

[RecentChange]

People battle to talk to others if there is no shared interest, the conversation is a lot more difficult.

 

Oh I disagree with this whole heartedly.

 

I find I have some of the most interesting conversations with people I share very little in common with when it comes to "interests". We have different things to share, we don't talk about the same things we already know.

 

For example, for an hour a day I used to have the best chats with a fellow commuter. I am a 30 something that works in law / finance, grew up in the super liberal bay area, and have an interest in horse back riding and sociology.

 

He was a 20 something tech engineer from Iran, loved to play soccor and studied history.

 

Did we have many shared interests? No, that's why we had so much to talk about. Very little overlap. I actually find it more difficult to have interesting conversations with people that I share much in common with. Kinda like talking to a mirror.

 

My husband and I had very few shared interests and hobbies when we met. We expanded each others worlds. I think a relationship with someone just like myself would be boring.

 

What we do share is a view of the world. Humor. Views on spirituality, politics, ethics.

[normal person]

That is a good post above this. One of the most fun aspects of dating is learning all about someone whose life is different than yours. I know all about my life, I don't want to talk about it endlessly. I'd much rather hear what someone else's life experiences have been and how it shaped them. I think the interests are just ancillary and interchangeable, although I will concede that finding out why someone is interested in certain things is usually interesting.

[Satu]

I spent the whole day down at the airfield today, as I usually do on a Friday. Both sexes mingling, having fun, some flirting going on. It's a really great social scene.

 

But the last thing I want to do when I get back into town, is talk about flying.

 

Its more interesting to hear about what other people did with their day.

[gypsymess]

Hello! I find it strange that there is no one who shares an interest in your hobbies and talents. From reading your post alone, I am quite impressed with your accomplishments and the level of intellect you must have. I wonder if there is something that is off putting women that have nothing to do with hobbies or talents? I ask this with respect, but do you suppose that you are trying so hard to impress a woman into liking you, that it is pushing them away? Perhaps when you talk to them about your hobbies, or theirs, you come off as a know-it-all type? Or maybe they can see that you are changing things about yourself (the music major is an example) in order to live up to what you think others (women) want? Do you mostly talk about yourself, and that's causing the turn off?

 

I am betting you are a wonderful person and that there are women who would be interested in you and who you really are. I think common interests are important, but they are not everything. I wish you the best of luck.