Need OM perspective

[Sunshinegirl10]

First post been reading a few weeks..Day 2 of NC ...not intentional ...MM is out of town ...I am MOW and I am such a mess ...missing our communication ...we are long distance seems ridiculous to miss someone this much that I wouldn't see anyhow but we normally talk multiple times per day and at least once or twice on weekends.

 

 

Background - friends/colleagues since last year - Started intense EA/PA 4 months ago and Dday for him 2 months ago.

 

I've been considering trying to extract from this situation and reading hear a few weeks but now realize I'm no where near ready...next steps ? If nothing else coping mechanisms? Need to "act normal" at home.

[Satu]

Other peoples partners are other peoples partners.

 

You have one of your own at home.

 

Stop pretending to be something you're not.

 

Own up to what you've done and ask for forgiveness.

 

 

Take care.

 

Welcome to Loveshack.

[ZBA]

Hi Sunshine, what were the circumstances of D-day? Does his wife know the full truth? And what has your MOM said about your A since getting caught? Have you guys discussed what happens going forward?

[Sunshinegirl10]

Zba- she found texts and stalked us for a couple weeks before confronting him- we had a few weeks LC but now have other ways to talk - seeing each other is extremely challenging and may not happen much if at all. Neither of us can/will leave but can't seem to imagine giving up the EA..have discussed at length and the mutually agreed plan is "one day at a time" but it's getting harder

[ZBA]

Zba- she found texts and stalked us for a couple weeks before confronting him- we had a few weeks LC but now have other ways to talk - seeing each other is extremely challenging and may not happen much if at all. Neither of us can/will leave but can't seem to imagine giving up the EA..have discussed at length and the mutually agreed plan is "one day at a time" but it's getting harder

 

I completely understand what you are going thru on a personal level. In my case we also said what you guys did, but one day, without warning, he stopped all contact. It's been under two weeks and it's hell. My A was longterm, so that makes it even more painful. I wouldn't belittle the kind of emotions and connections that can be forged within several months (as in your case), but I would say that if you have it in you to "extract yourself" now, of your own volition, I would. It is so much more excruciating after you've invested more time and then some outside factor (NC initiated by him, or another D-Day) pulls the rug out from underneath you. I wish I had more hopeful advice for you, but I don't. If you were to ask me a month ago or even two weeks ago if my AP would ever just cut me off, I would have said never, ever. Even he, himself, had told me otherwise. But when **** goes down, people act in ways even they had never imagined.

 

 

Did the continued communication following D-Day (before this recent NC) make you feel better? Or worse? How have you felt since his wife discovered the affair, and what have your interactions with MM been like?

[Sunshinegirl10]

It's was super intense the first month - including 2 times we saw each other ...more stable this last month although we are now at the longest we've gone without seeing each other which I'm sure is causing some of my crazy feelings!

 

Until this weekend I thought we were at a new normal which I was working to accept as better than nothing at all.

 

 

Other issue is my fear is he will decide it's not worth it and do exactly what you describe ...part of me believes he cares too much to not at least tell me but part of me knows anything is possible and he has more to lose than I do.

[Lobe]

Zba- she found texts and stalked us for a couple weeks before confronting him- we had a few weeks LC but now have other ways to talk - seeing each other is extremely challenging and may not happen much if at all. Neither of us can/will leave but can't seem to imagine giving up the EA..have discussed at length and the mutually agreed plan is "one day at a time" but it's getting harder

 

The question here isn't what you can or will do but WHY you are doing it in the first place. The person who thinks they are not getting enough at home is usually not giving enough. Just think of the time and energy you're pouring into your affair and not back into your marriage - why does your MOW deserve more of your time and attention than your BS?

 

We've all heard the "I fell out of love with my husband/we changed/he doesn't listen to/understand/admire me enough" line a hundred times, so I'm sure you've thought long and hard about how your story is different. We all have our own delusions - what's the story you've made up for yourselves to justify your actions? And aren't you worried about your own d-day?

[loveisanaction]

Sunshinegirl, What is it exactly do you hope to gain out of your affair with your married man? Seriously, you are a married woman and he is a married. So, what is it that you hope will happen 1 year, 2 years, 3 years from now? Are the two of you going to leave your spouses and be together? If not, then what is your end goal for having an affair?

 

Are you lonely? Sad? Angry at your husband? Feeling unloved by him? Sex is non-existent or has become boring and monotonous?

 

I get that we as humans want to love and feel loved, it's embedded in our DNA to experience it but geez we should not want it at the expense of hurting and causing pain to the very people we vowed to protect.

 

So, you have to ask yourself...why am i doing this and what do i hope to gain as a result of what i am doing?

 

You need to figure out how to either get the marriage you want or end it. Then go out and find yourself a single man who will knock your socks off in the bedroom because creeping around with another woman's husband is not the way to experience true and honest love. It the way to heartache and pain and hurt and sadness and tears and crying, shame and lifelong wounds.

 

Is that what you call love because it's not where i come from.

[Sunshinegirl10]

Been miserable for over 5 years so when I said all those things to MOM I wasn't lying to him like many here assume I just found someone I trusted enough to bare my soul to after years of buried pain. Unfortunately that pain is no longer buried and now I'm a hot mess to say the least.

 

I would never claim my issues are different or worse as I've seen and heard a lot of bad but in short H with mental illness, severe religiosity and other issues that will likely never get better. Was completely resigned to live out my life this way till I started talking one night in a hotel bar (cliche I know).

[Sunshinegirl10]

Loveisanaction - you are so right

 

I am so trapped

 

No other excuses nothing else to say you are right ...pain, tears and shame and a taste of what can never be was so much better when I didn't know

[HappyAgain2014]

Other issue is my fear is he will decide it's not worth it and do exactly what you describe ...part of me believes he cares too much to not at least tell me but part of me knows anything is possible and he has more to lose than I do.

 

It's not worth it to him. No matter how long this lasts, an affair will not be worth him losing eveything else.

 

It's not personal to him. In his mind, you know the deal and shouldn't expect him to have any commitment to you. This includes disappearing or throwing you under the bus to his wife.

 

Most OW don't realize how expendable they are until one of those things happens.

 

He's where he wants to be. Now you need to figure out where you want to be. Stay married or get divorced but I hope you realize continuing this affair is only going to make your life worse.

 

Right now you say you're not ready to end the affair. Why? Look at how miserable you are waiting for a crumb from him.

 

It only gets worse.

[Sunshinegirl10]

Happy - I guess the crumbs or even hope of more crumbs feels so much better than anything I've had in so long. Pitiful I know ...but that's what I feel right now

[whichwayisup]

First post been reading a few weeks..Day 2 of NC ...not intentional ...MM is out of town ...I am MOW and I am such a mess ...missing our communication ...we are long distance seems ridiculous to miss someone this much that I wouldn't see anyhow but we normally talk multiple times per day and at least once or twice on weekends.

 

 

Background - friends/colleagues since last year - Started intense EA/PA 4 months ago and Dday for him 2 months ago.

 

I've been considering trying to extract from this situation and reading hear a few weeks but now realize I'm no where near ready...next steps ? If nothing else coping mechanisms? Need to "act normal" at home.

 

Tell yourself you won't die or anything when there's unintentional no contact. You're too attached to him, I mean he's away and you're falling apart. That isn't healthy at all and it's doing more damage than good.

 

Try focusing on your husband and family and your own life rather than him and his life.

[whichwayisup]

Loveisanaction - you are so right

 

I am so trapped

 

No other excuses nothing else to say you are right ...pain, tears and shame and a taste of what can never be was so much better when I didn't know

 

Is what you're doing worth it? What you're feeling, really ask yourself if this affair is worth it.

 

You are risking everything for him. Your family, the life as you know it, the comforts of home, your friends, parents, in laws, other relatives etc., all that will change instantly when your husband finds out. You could lose everything.

 

You can change your life by ending your A, getting into counseling or divorce your husband, then do as you please. Life is complicated by the choices you're making for yourself.

[Sunshinegirl10]

Which way- I know I know - I'm trying just needed to vent ...other hardest part of this is no one to talk to ...thanks for the reminder though I need to here it !

[HappyAgain2014]

Happy - I guess the crumbs or even hope of more crumbs feels so much better than anything I've had in so long. Pitiful I know ...but that's what I feel right now

 

I get the starving for affection motives. What you don't realize is how much this will cost you. Self respect is hard to get back. This will affect your children, your job, and your health.

 

He will leave you with this mess when your life falls apart.

 

I've been in your shoes. You've done all the right things for so long while being unhappy. A part of you feels entitled to this happiness no matter what the cost.

 

Get divorced and find a healthy relationship. All you're doing now is having two dysfunctional relationships with your husband and MM.

[ZBA]

It's not worth it to him. No matter how long this lasts, an affair will not be worth him losing eveything else.

 

It's not personal to him. In his mind, you know the deal and shouldn't expect him to have any commitment to you. This includes disappearing or throwing you under the bus to his wife.

 

Most OW don't realize how expendable they are until one of those things happens.

 

He's where he wants to be. Now you need to figure out where you want to be. Stay married or get divorced but I hope you realize continuing this affair is only going to make your life worse.

 

Right now you say you're not ready to end the affair. Why? Look at how miserable you are waiting for a crumb from him.

 

It only gets worse.

 

Every part of this rings true. It's so hurtful when someone you shared such an intense and meaningful relationship with, who said they could NEVER cut you off, does exactly that.

 

 

And even staying in touch feels painful from one instance of contact to the next. I say this to you, Sunshine, even as I'm struggling to convince myself of the same thing. It really does get worse. I'm living it. Be stronger than me and walk away sooner than I did.

[Lobe]

It sounds like you've romanticized the situation. You're so deep in the affair fog you probably can't even see your own feet lol

 

You said neither of you will leave your spouse. Do you want to save your marriage or is the A just a wake up call that you should have left the marriage years ago? You're not doing anyone a favour by living a lie. When you think about living indefinitely as your MOM's side piece, knowing that he doesn't love you more than he loves his wife and life, how does that make you feel?

 

You need a distraction.

 

In IC, the counsellor told my WH that the first thing he needed to do was make an active choice to redirect his focus every time it wandered to xOW. Whenever thoughts of her creeped into his head, he was instructed to say STOP in his head and think about me. So that he had a defined set of memories to recall, they did an exercise where he recalled positive moments - finding out I was pregnant, me making food for him (some men the way to their heart really is through the stomach lol), our backpacking trip, etc.

 

If you want to stop obsessing about your MOM then this might work for you too. If you want to reconcile with BH, then your thoughts of MOM should include you telling yourself to STOP then thinking of the good times. If you are done with your marriage, then you can focus your thoughts on something like a new goal you set (plan a trip with your sister or sign up to learn a new language) so that when your thoughts stray to the cause of so much pain, you have a productive and positive place to point them.

 

What you are doing is enabling your AP to eat cake. Long distance or not, physical or not, the time and attention he is giving you is not yours to have. Exactly like you, if he is truly unhappy in his marriage, you need to give him the time and space he needs to come to that conclusion without you. Otherwise, maybe he's just using you as an exit affair and your heart gets broken anyway. You want him to come to you of his own free will, unencumbered, with a clear conscience and intent. If you guys are truly meant to be, you will be able to build a relationship openly and without deceit.

 

As a side note, I'm a BS but I tend to take a pretty balanced and realistic view despite initially coming to LS wanting to hate the OW... The only piece of advice that I will give you that is decidedly skewed in favour of the BW is that she has done nothing to provoke you or to force her husband into your loving arms. I vote you tell her it's not over and let her decide what she wants to do, with all the information, since right now she's living in a false reconciliation with her WH. This is a special kind of hell for her, and no BS should ever be led to believe that their spouse is being faithful when they aren't.

Edited July 3, 2016 by Lobe

[Sunshinegirl10]

Thank you lobe, I appreciate your insight. I do need a distraction. And I did say I will never leave but I also would've said I'd never have an A. Although after reading here I realize I've had a few borderline EA before but the feelings weren't returned. Now that I've recognized this issue in myself I'm going to get IC to help figure out what to do next. Leaving will be very complicated due to mental health issues with H etc and if I do it it will be for me not for MOM.

 

I'm super scared of his W I would never ever contact her - she is capable of a whole lot of crazy (factual things I'm aware of not just stuff he's said. If she were going to leave she would've on/after d-day. She might change her mind if financial or kid situations change but that's years away at this point.

[Sunshinegirl10]

ZBA - I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I hope each day is a little better

[DKT3]

Thank you lobe, I appreciate your insight. I do need a distraction. And I did say I will never leave but I also would've said I'd never have an A. Although after reading here I realize I've had a few borderline EA before but the feelings weren't returned. Now that I've recognized this issue in myself I'm going to get IC to help figure out what to do next. Leaving will be very complicated due to mental health issues with H etc and if I do it it will be for me not for MOM.

 

I'm super scared of his W I would never ever contact her - she is capable of a whole lot of crazy (factual things I'm aware of not just stuff he's said. If she were going to leave she would've on/after d-day. She might change her mind if financial or kid situations change but that's years away at this point.

 

The best way to keep the OW from contacting the wife.....

 

Step 1 paint the wife as the doppelganger of Kathy Bates from misery. She is unstable....blah blah.

 

Step 2 convince OW that she would keep the kids from him should she find out....umm that's what court and child support is for.

 

Step 3 once outed conveniently toss OW in front of that speeding bus...now your Glenn Close boiling bunnies.

[Poppy47]

Every part of this rings true. It's so hurtful when someone you shared such an intense and meaningful relationship with, who said they could NEVER cut you off, does exactly that.

 

 

And even staying in touch feels painful from one instance of contact to the next. I say this to you, Sunshine, even as I'm struggling to convince myself of the same thing. It really does get worse. I'm living it. Be stronger than me and walk away sooner than I did.

 

Hi ZBA,

I am widowed and had an 8 year A with a MM. It was killing me in the end with all the ups and downs, emotional pain and secrecy. Just before the eighth anniversary of our meeting, I ended it. I was afraid that another 8 years would slip by and things would be just the same. However, I did let him know. I could never just cut him off without a word. That is such a heartless thing to do.

I don't know how he felt about me ending the A so suddenly. He sent an email saying he had never asked me for anything except love... such a ridiculous way to say good bye after 8 years, but that was all he had to say. I do know he is quite content to be in his 50 year marriage and has lots of family and friends, so I don't worry over his well being.

I do hope things improve for you. Sounds like they can't get worse than right now.

I am 10 weeks complete NC today.

 

Poppy.

[pooldog]

The others have given such good advice.

 

I was hoping you can go out for a walk alone and think about what you want. But but but but - this is NOT MM. MM is not a choice.

 

Would you want your husband to give you more? Can you ask in a positive way? What else. If you could make any changes in your life what would they be? Don't hold back. Figure them out and get them.

 

Forgive yourself, make your way, and don't look back. This vacation is good because when he comes back you are not going that way again. Your are going your way!

[ZBA]

Hi ZBA,

I am widowed and had an 8 year A with a MM. It was killing me in the end with all the ups and downs, emotional pain and secrecy. Just before the eighth anniversary of our meeting, I ended it. I was afraid that another 8 years would slip by and things would be just the same. However, I did let him know. I could never just cut him off without a word. That is such a heartless thing to do.

I don't know how he felt about me ending the A so suddenly. He sent an email saying he had never asked me for anything except love... such a ridiculous way to say good bye after 8 years, but that was all he had to say. I do know he is quite content to be in his 50 year marriage and has lots of family and friends, so I don't worry over his well being.

I do hope things improve for you. Sounds like they can't get worse than right now.

I am 10 weeks complete NC today.

 

Poppy.

 

Hi Poppy,

 

 

I don't want to derail the thread, but your post made me cry. I have read your posts on this board for quite awhile. And whenever I've come here to read quietly and feel less alone, you've always had a voice of reason that puts things in the simplest but most meaningful words. Even when I read one of your comments without having seen its author, I can usually pick out your writing "voice." It's the voice of someone who's been through a lot and knows better now, even if it's come at a painful price.

 

 

I admire your 10 weeks. I'm still not brave enough to tell my story, so I'm nowhere near where you are. Eight years feels too enormous to measure when it comes to emotions. Mine was two and a half, and I'm still reeling. Since everything went wrong, I haven't felt happy yet... the closest I've gotten is a few days of numbness, where I was too drained to cry.

 

 

It's true, he just went silent one day. After weeks of keeping in touch after D-Day, suddenly just cold silence. It's not even like I can blame him for working on and protecting his marriage - I want him to - but I never imagine he'd walk away without a word, after EVERYTHING we've been thorough. Wish I could say I'm moving forward, but I'm in limbo right now and still kind of hanging onto the hope that I'll get some kind of closure from him. I KNOW better, trust me. There's nothing he could say that would make this less awful, but my heart won't align with my brain yet.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words, Poppy. I would have PMed you if I could have. And Sunshine, I'm sorry if this derailed your thread. I saw elements in your post that triggered my own feelings and I felt compelled to reply to you.

 

 

Thanks to this whole community for being here.

[pooldog]

Poppy! You are such a wonderful woman. I love that you ended it. And you did it so gracefully. And it is easy for 8 years to slip by so fast. And the pain and secrecy just grind in and get to you. I understand that. NC is such a peaceful place. Congrats for 10 weeks!

 

Hi ZBA,

I am widowed and had an 8 year A with a MM. It was killing me in the end with all the ups and downs, emotional pain and secrecy. Just before the eighth anniversary of our meeting, I ended it. I was afraid that another 8 years would slip by and things would be just the same. However, I did let him know. I could never just cut him off without a word. That is such a heartless thing to do.

I don't know how he felt about me ending the A so suddenly. He sent an email saying he had never asked me for anything except love... such a ridiculous way to say good bye after 8 years, but that was all he had to say. I do know he is quite content to be in his 50 year marriage and has lots of family and friends, so I don't worry over his well being.

I do hope things improve for you. Sounds like they can't get worse than right now.

I am 10 weeks complete NC today.

 

Poppy.