Need OM perspective

[Sunshinegirl10]

MOM has had 2 d-days ....he fears a third ....so why is he still contacting me multiple times daily ....it doesn't make sense to me. It seems like a lot of other OW on here got the cold shoulder after d-day.

 

Seeking to understand where he's coming from ...I guess I should ask him ...but still interested in the thoughts of anyone willing to share...

 

Thanks!

[jwi71]

MOM has had 2 d-days ....he fears a third ....so why is he still contacting me multiple times daily ....it doesn't make sense to me. It seems like a lot of other OW on here got the cold shoulder after d-day.

 

We don't know.

You don't know.

Hell, HE might not even know. (I'd guess not wanting to hurt you)

 

Seeking to understand where he's coming from ...I guess I should ask him ...but still interested in the thoughts of anyone willing to share...

 

Yup - ask him.

Its the only way you will begin to shed light on this. And, be warned, HE may not know - and you'll see this in varying answers to your questions - perhaps even contradictory ones.

 

The real question I have, for you, is why stay when he clearly has no intention of leaving "soon". I say this as he continues to meet with you AND FEARS DDAY number 3. That fear tells you what you all you need to know. I would consul an immediate exit on your part.

 

However, the only way to know the answer is to ask him - and his answer is suspect.

[boneheadedmove]

I disagree with jwi71, respectfully.

 

Nothing can be attained in asking him. Words are meaningless in an affair, doubly after the spouse finds out, triply after he or she finds out again, ad infinitum. That goes for both you and the spouse. If you confront him, he'll play the victim, how confused he is, how he can't let go of you but he also can't just throw away his marriage. This is not action toward you and your healing. His action is to remain where he is.

 

He has now had two opportunities to pack up and leave and he stays put. This tells you all you need to know. Do not drag this out longer for yourself. The more you talk to him, the more things he'll say that'll rattle around your brain and keep you up at night and steal your focus during the day.

 

Protect yourself. Love yourself. Get out of the dead end situation of your own marriage. That is where you energy should be going.

 

Good luck.

[Sunshinegirl10]

Sorry I don't know how my new question ended up in old thread I tried to post separately

[13Hearts]

It's OK. People here tend to keep their original thread and just continue it. I think that's because the rules are that if you reference something that has already been posted on another thread, you have to include a link to that old thread. It's easier just to keep the same one.

 

How are you feeling? You seem a little frazzled? What do you hope to gain by knowing why he is doing what he is doing? Are you looking for a sign of what he will do in the future?

 

I don't think there is a way to predict what will happen in the future.

 

Affairs are confusing. I hope yours resolves soon. If it were me, I would rather make my own decision and then follow through on it, than wait for someone else, especially a man, to make up their mind.

 

Could you explain a little what you meant about your husband "mental illness, severe religiosity"? Just curious.

[Sunshinegirl10]

It's OK. People here tend to keep their original thread and just continue it. I think that's because the rules are that if you reference something that has already been posted on another thread, you have to include a link to that old thread. It's easier just to keep the same one.

 

How are you feeling? You seem a little frazzled? What do you hope to gain by knowing why he is doing what he is doing? Are you looking for a sign of what he will do in the future?

 

I don't think there is a way to predict what will happen in the future.

 

Affairs are confusing. I hope yours resolves soon. If it were me, I would rather make my own decision and then follow through on it, than wait for someone else, especially a man, to make up their mind.

 

Could you explain a little what you meant about your husband "mental illness, severe religiosity"? Just curious.

 

Yes I think I'm trying to figure out the future which is obviously ridiculous - and just been reading here a lot and story not following many of the others -

 

I am feeling frazzled for sure !! I worry about him a lot and feel so helpless but yet care so much

 

As for H- depression with paranoia and anxiety, maybe bipolar (has some of these tendencies but not diagnosed and won't follow with psych so no way to get better insight. Religiosity is hard to explain without typing a book but it's basically taking normal Christian(or I suppose any other) beliefs and becoming obsessive about them. In this case, extremely judgmental towards people which results in no friends, obsessive homophobia, and in the past paranoia about being possessed but meds have helped with that.

[whatever29]

I agree asking him why he cut off contact is pointless. My MM simply dropped seeing me suddenly, suspiciously after his birthday (good thing I didn't get him something expensive). He would text but just sort of faded out. When I said I don't understand nothing has changed, he had no answer. I suppose he had pushed it far enough with his wife and now wanted to prove to her he wasn't cheating or something. He pulled the - I'm confused and feel like I'm being pulled by both sides. Yeah, whatever. I told him I would stop pulling and say goodbye. Not what he wanted since he wanted his little secret to have one up on the wife.

 

Since it sounds like he isn't going to leave her and she hasn't dumped him, all you can do is forget about him and move on to make your own life happy. The longer you don't cut him off in your own heart, the more suffering you will have to undergo later.

[Whoknew30]

I had an A & I'm the one that had the dday...my OM actually tried to get closer after, knowing my H knew & could potentially ruin his life & his job but I had told him I would & could never leave my H specifically for him bc it just doesn't work that way. I was very much in a unhappy situation with my H at the time.

 

My point, if you're truly not ready to leave, then why go through all of this? I know it's hard & you're definitely going to have "withdrawals" no different than a drug addict. Then let's say you do leave, that gives no guarantee he will. You can look for all the closure you want but you'll never get it. You need some time to clear your head & decide what you want in life but don't make him a factor in the situation bc as of right now, he truly isn't.

 

Good luck to you

[Downtown]

H with mental illness.... depression with paranoia and anxiety, maybe bipolar, severe religiosity .... extremely judgmental towards people which results in no friends, obsessive homophobia, and in the past paranoia about being possessed but meds have helped with that.

Sunshine, if your H is emotionally unstable, perhaps he does suffer from bipolar disorder, as you suspect. The behaviors you describe, however, sound like they are closer to the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) than to those for bipolar. I'm not suggesting that he exhibits full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

To be clear, I note that you have described only a few of the nine defining symptoms for BPD (e.g., the paranoia, black-white thinking, and mood changes). An important issue, then, is whether you've been seeing most of those nine behavioral symptoms.

 

I therefore suggest that you take a quick look at my posts at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences and 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most of the BPD or bipolar red flags sound very familiar. If so, I would recommend that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Take care, Sunshine.