Stopped looking= much happier

[ZA Dater]

Perhaps there is comfort for some in this post.

 

For the last thirteen odd years I have been looking for a girlfriend, most know my story here so I wont repeat it (I hear clapping in the back) but suffice to say those years were extremely tough, rejection was a common theme and I just never got anywhere at all, having tried a multitude of dating platforms.

 

For the most part I felt like a reject for all of those years, a looser, someone who was looked on as and oddity, made fun of because I haven't had anyone.

 

Maybe about 4-5 weeks back I decided to simply stop looking, delete dating profile, ignore Tinder and just simply immerse myself in the things I do, be it admin, be it work, be it writing, be it the projects I work on, be it the club I administer. You know what, I simply feel much better, I am in the position where for the first time I have a female working friend, the things we accomplish together in terms of writing are great and to an extent that void I have felt for so many years is diminished somewhat. I don't feel as much of a reject or as much of a misfit BUT having said that I now avoid situations and people where I have been put into that "box" so to speak.

 

I don't go to coffee shops on a Saturday morning with a friend of mine so I don't have to hear "oh she looks hot, you should try date her".

 

My point to all this is not looking feels like I am starting to heal from all that rejection, said female work friend gives me a lot of confidence which seems to erode those feelings of being abnormal.

 

Objectively I have nothing more than when I was trying to find someone, objectively I am unlikely to get laid ever, objectively I wont ever get those intangible experience I so want but when I look at how sore I was when I was chasing those things, look at how miserable it made me then I do wonder how fantastic those things are to begin with. Sure I do carry around a certain amount of hurt I cant have those things but I can direct that to other things, like simply being the best person I can be, irrespective as to how this measures up to what ladies find attractive or not.

 

I told a friend this and he basically said "so you are basically telling me at 32 you are giving up". I guess that's exactly what I am doing, For years I wondered what it would be like to have a relationship and I still do but the reality is the very qualities I find attractive in a person are exceedingly rare and with time my willingness to go back into that dark space of rejection has waned.

 

To those out there struggling and who have spent perpetual years being consumed by the need to find a girlfriend, maybe take a step back, look at your life, look at the positives you have, look at things you and enjoy and try find that inner peace. When you find that then if you want go looking again, I reckon most ladies can sense a guy who isn't at peace or happy with himself and in a world where ladies are simply spoilt for choice those guys fall right down the list.

[MGX]

Good.

 

Instead of worrying about attracting women and failing, you can worry about yourself and pursue whatever makes you happy.

 

A huge smelly monkey is off your back.

[ZA Dater]

Good.

 

Instead of worrying about attracting women and failing, you can worry about yourself and pursue whatever makes you happy.

 

A huge smelly monkey is off your back.

 

Basically yes.

 

Wish I could enjoy some of the things 99.9% of people enjoy relationship wise but this isn't an equal world and some are just luckier and more successful than other.

[carhill]

Only comment I'll offer OP is to guard against letting the current perspective go on too long, lest you get to the point where it, romance and/or sex, doesn't move you anymore. I saw a little of that last night and, well, that impelled the comment. Instead of being enamored of all the beautiful, and some single, ladies I interacted with, I was thinking meh can't wait to get out of this heat and back to the forest and cool.

 

So, while I do admire your insight and experience here, my advice would be everything in moderation, at least until you've had the relationship experiences you've desired in the past.

[MGX]

Only comment I'll offer OP is to guard against letting the current perspective go on too long, lest you get to the point where it, romance and/or sex, doesn't move you anymore. I saw a little of that last night and, well, that impelled the comment. Instead of being enamored of all the beautiful, and some single, ladies I interacted with, I was thinking meh can't wait to get out of this heat and back to the forest and cool.

 

So, while I do admire your insight and experience here, my advice would be everything in moderation, at least until you've had the relationship experiences you've desired in the past.

 

But isn't that the point...to be free from sexual desire that ultimately goes nowhere?

[elaine567]

OK, but isn't this a bit like someone who decides to stop looking for a job and go on welfare and stop caring.

OK he may be free of the hassle of looking for work, free of trying and failing, but at the same time, he is signing up to a life on welfare...

Great!!!

[LookAtThisPOst]

Only comment I'll offer OP is to guard against letting the current perspective go on too long, lest you get to the point where it, romance and/or sex, doesn't move you anymore. I saw a little of that last night and, well, that impelled the comment. Instead of being enamored of all the beautiful, and some single, ladies I interacted with, I was thinking meh can't wait to get out of this heat and back to the forest and cool.

 

So, while I do admire your insight and experience here, my advice would be everything in moderation, at least until you've had the relationship experiences you've desired in the past.

 

Actually, there's a category of men that have gone this way, it's called, "MGTOW" - Men Going Their Own Way. They just opt-out. Google it, you'll find a lot of info.

 

Some even deem it a "movement"

 

OK, but isn't this a bit like someone who decides to stop looking for a job and go on welfare and stop caring.

 

Not a good comparison, because you NEED an income.

[elaine567]

Not a good comparison, because you NEED an income.

YOU don't NEED an income if welfare is picking up the tab.

[LookAtThisPOst]

This is actually all due in part that women are being too picky for their own good. That no one is good enough.

 

Here's an article that explains that, and it shows how single men are categorized, esp. the aforementioned "opting out" which was due to the overly picky women turning down these men all the time:

 

Are today?s women too picky for their own good?

[LookAtThisPOst]

YOU don't NEED an income if welfare is picking up the tab.

 

Still, a poor comparison. You can't compare dating to income.

[carhill]

IMO, as long as the OP is in his prime reproductive and mating period, he should be OK. The testosterone drive is strong enough to weather periods of inactivity/disinterest/ambivalence. I only mention this because men must be proactive in mating so we need that extra jolt to get out there and overtly compete. I took a break around the OP's age, mostly from my late 20's to mid 30's and found, once focused on other things, it was easy to focus on other things. Still, the reproduction and family drives were in the background so ultimately biology won out. Still, during that period, no women magically appeared as a result of focusing on other things social. For that it takes assertive efforts. Lacking that, nada. Once begun again, mostly via some chiding from male and female friends, no problem.

 

IMO a year would be a good benchmark. Check back in a year and see how things are going. During that time, seek to build strong social friendships. They can benefit you down the road of life in ways romance never will.

[elaine567]

Still, a poor comparison. You can't compare dating to income.

You have obviously missed the point.

[LookAtThisPOst]

IMO, as long as the OP is in his prime reproductive and mating period, he should be OK. The testosterone drive is strong enough to weather periods of inactivity/disinterest/ambivalence. I only mention this because men must be proactive in mating so we need that extra jolt to get out there and overtly compete. I took a break around the OP's age, mostly from my late 20's to mid 30's and found, once focused on other things, it was easy to focus on other things. Still, the reproduction and family drives were in the background so ultimately biology won out. Still, during that period, no women magically appeared as a result of focusing on other things social. For that it takes assertive efforts. Lacking that, nada. Once begun again, mostly via some chiding from male and female friends, no problem.

 

IMO a year would be a good benchmark. Check back in a year and see how things are going. During that time, seek to build strong social friendships. They can benefit you down the road of life in ways romance never will.

 

Sometimes men or even women, state the above, only to be back at it a month or 2 later. It's kind of like 'I Give up on men/women!" then they are back at it a month later. lol

 

Some claim this leads to the whole, "It happens when you're not looking" approach.

 

It's like, "Okay, I am giving up on dating and now watch the women come my direction and I'll appear more attractive because of it!"

 

But unfortunately, most won't notice.

[elaine567]

I took a break around the OP's age, mostly from my late 20's to mid 30's and found, once focused on other things, it was easy to focus on other things. Still, the reproduction and family drives were in the background so ultimately biology won out. Still, during that period, no women magically appeared as a result of focusing on other things social. For that it takes assertive efforts. Lacking that, nada. Once begun again, mostly via some chiding from male and female friends, no problem.

 

This is not a "break" though.

[losangelena]

This is actually all due in part that women are being too picky for their own good. That no one is good enough.

 

Here's an article that explains that, and it shows how single men are categorized, esp. the aforementioned "opting out" which was due to the overly picky women turning down these men all the time:

 

Are today?s women too picky for their own good?

 

No, it is actually not an entire gender's fault that ZA has struggled.

 

 

 

 

ZA, I say good for you. Step away for a while; live your life. I think sometimes the importance and significance we place on relationships actually outweigh the benefits they bring. I used to do this, too, wanting so badly to be in a relationship, because I had no idea what being in one was like. Now that I've had that experience, I go, "oh, that was fine, but I'm just as happy being single, I can take it or leave it."

 

Stop torturing yourself trying to make something happen.

[carhill]

One can only determine that when reflecting on the past, as I just did. For the OP, this is his present. The future is unknown.

[offwithhishead]

Giving up may feel like a relief now but eventually, you will go back to thinking about pursuing women. It's inherent in our nature as men.

 

The only time a man gives up on entirely on dating is when he's over 60 and is near the end of his life and just wants to spend the rest of his time on what he enjoys.

 

Look, I get it. It's frustrating. And sometimes it's a relief to just dive in and focus on other things in your life like your career, hobbies or whatever but it doesn't last. A year at most.

[Kamille]

Good for you ZA dater. I'm glad you're finding contentment.

 

I also tend to focus very little on romance. Frees my time up to do so many other things that bring happiness. And the great thing is that having your own life makes you a more interesting partner!

[SoThatHappened]

To quote my favorite movie:

 

"We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need."

 

Do you, ZA. The irony is that someone will probably notice that and want to be with you.

[Timshel]

'Where ever you go, there you are.' (Buckaroo Banzai and some say Jesus)

 

To expound on this ^...and this if fine....just fine.

 

I had almost three years of being single before my current SO. I wouldn't take back a minute.

[ZA Dater]

Only comment I'll offer OP is to guard against letting the current perspective go on too long, lest you get to the point where it, romance and/or sex, doesn't move you anymore. I saw a little of that last night and, well, that impelled the comment. Instead of being enamored of all the beautiful, and some single, ladies I interacted with, I was thinking meh can't wait to get out of this heat and back to the forest and cool.

 

So, while I do admire your insight and experience here, my advice would be everything in moderation, at least until you've had the relationship experiences you've desired in the past.

 

 

I think I have probably reached that point in part. Avoiding situations where I feel like a misfit has helped a lot, by that just avoiding people who seem to put huge importance on dating and sex.

 

 

This is really hard to describe but I realised why I have never gotten laid, simply because too much about what attracts me is intangible, I wrote of Barbie in her various iterations long ago, instead its well spoken, intelligent and "different" which attract me. I think to hook up one needs pure physical attraction, for me I need both that and the aforementioned, an extremely difficult combination to find, for me at least.

 

 

Its true I have a particularly jaded view in some respects but I also realised one needs to find some inner peace and let things go, I cant change what happened in the past, yes I can regret those things but that gets me nowhere. To be hard on oneself is so easy, I spent years doing exactly that, lately I stepped back, took that off my shoulders.

 

 

I am still moved to an extent but what moves me isn't a realistic option so need to be content enough with what is possible.

 

 

The thought of going out to bars, clubs, dating sites doesn't appeal to me at all, I cant hook up with people because of the above, I don't have much in common with anyone and have no real conversation topics most ladies can relate to, so all I do by doing that is make myself feel awful and like a reject, really not a healthy situation.

 

 

I can dress up nicely and feel good about being me, irrespective about what anyone else thinks.

 

 

Ultimately I do wish things were different but they aren't and this is the reality for me, I can choose to be unhappy or I can choose to try make something palatable from this.

[MGX]

OK, but isn't this a bit like someone who decides to stop looking for a job and go on welfare and stop caring.

OK he may be free of the hassle of looking for work, free of trying and failing, but at the same time, he is signing up to a life on welfare...

Great!!!

 

No, because a man doesn't need to have romance. He won't die without it. He does need money for survival.

 

A better analogy is more like a non-artist who tries to draw a portrait. You keep wasting time and paper trying to capture the subject. Frustration mounts until you say "Screw this" and give up. You find a better way to spend your time.

 

Stop torturing yourself trying to make something happen.

 

Exactly. So many guys on LS are ruining their lives because they are so worried about what everyone else is doing or where everyone else is at. I wish I stopped obsessing over this sort of thing back when I was younger.

 

Giving up may feel like a relief now but eventually, you will go back to thinking about pursuing women. It's inherent in our nature as men.

 

The only time a man gives up on entirely on dating is when he's over 60 and is near the end of his life and just wants to spend the rest of his time on what he enjoys.

 

Or when a person has dealt with enough crazy BS. Negative experiences can really turn people off from dating.

[ZA Dater]

IMO, as long as the OP is in his prime reproductive and mating period, he should be OK. The testosterone drive is strong enough to weather periods of inactivity/disinterest/ambivalence. I only mention this because men must be proactive in mating so we need that extra jolt to get out there and overtly compete. I took a break around the OP's age, mostly from my late 20's to mid 30's and found, once focused on other things, it was easy to focus on other things. Still, the reproduction and family drives were in the background so ultimately biology won out. Still, during that period, no women magically appeared as a result of focusing on other things social. For that it takes assertive efforts. Lacking that, nada. Once begun again, mostly via some chiding from male and female friends, no problem.

 

IMO a year would be a good benchmark. Check back in a year and see how things are going. During that time, seek to build strong social friendships. They can benefit you down the road of life in ways romance never will.

 

 

I am not really interested in competing at all, the handful of girls I have ever liked I couldn't ever hope to attain so there was never any need to try and compete for them, sure I was tempted earlier this year to compete for someone but logic quickly realised the following would make this futile.

: incompatibility socially

: incompatibility in respect of experience

: she didn't/doesn't find me attractive, cant really change that

: friend is probably a nice enough compromise

: I wouldn't know how to compete besides doing so with my wallet which would be simply irrational

[ZA Dater]

Or when a person has dealt with enough crazy BS. Negative experiences can really turn people off from dating.

 

 

Exactly true, look I had two/three amazing experiences, people here will say its rubbish but to me they were special, I never got kissed on either occasion but spending time with the person made the whole time special.

 

 

Unfortunately everything else was just bitter disappointment from start to finish, if you don't get this right in high school and lay the foundation then I feel its next to impossible to do so in your 20's/30s.

[ZA Dater]

To quote my favorite movie:

 

"We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need."

 

Do you, ZA. The irony is that someone will probably notice that and want to be with you.

 

 

The people who want to be with me and by that I mean tinder matches and dating site matches are people I have absolutely zero interest in at all.