Stopped looking= much happier

[offwithhishead]

ZADater:

 

Have you tried dating Asian girls?

[serial muse]

Its all good, as I say trying to understand people is really hard tiresome work and you achieve nothing doing it because you never really understand them.

 

She is certainly lavishing me with attention today.

 

I don't know, maybe she thinks you're a good friend and would be happy for her that she's finally found someone who makes her happy. Friends talk this way to one another.

[ZA Dater]

I don't know, maybe she thinks you're a good friend and would be happy for her that she's finally found someone who makes her happy. Friends talk this way to one another.

 

Possibly. I think most of me just takes the positive out of having her around, today I had a truly awful day and she did pass some encouraging words which made me feel a bit better.

 

 

The thing is I have never really had a lady friend ever so for me this is just nice to have.

 

 

I am also mostly free of the expectations one has when one is trying to charm someone to date them.

 

 

The mind is a strange place, we can complicate our own lives massively through our own thought processes. Rejection makes it really easy to adopt a very low opinion of oneself which in turn makes the dating game even harder because that opinion radiates like a morning sunset even though we don't see it.

 

 

We cant have everything we want but just sometimes we can have most of what we want.

[GravityMan]

I'll just point out that "stopped looking" does not have to mean "give up"...

 

Instead, it can just mean "not focused on finding a girlfriend". And I think that's a healthy mindset to have for anyone who's single. You can have that attitude and still be approachable & receptive to someone you find attractive. In fact, I think that many men (and women) that are currently in relationships had that mindset prior to meeting their current partner. And then they suddenly met their partner one day, the chemistry was undeniable, one person or the other made a move, and things gradually progressed and blossomed into a relationship.

 

A guy that tries really hard to date or makes it a critical personal mission to find a GF will probably just make matters harder for himself, not easier. It may hurt his level of attractiveness. Others will sense that "try-hard"/"cares too much" vibe and may keep their distance. There's much more to life than dating and romance. Heck, having an interesting life of your own will likely make you a more intriguing person in the eyes of others.

 

OP, it's fine...good even to not focus so much on dating or finding a GF. But it's unwise and unhealthy to retreat into your own shell and completely neglect women and give up. That also limits your ability to learn more about the world and other people (including women). Just put yourself out there, interact with others (men, women, etc.), and relax and just live life. Pursue your hobbies and passions, share your interests and jokes and stuff with others, etc. And then one day if you meet a woman that seems interested in you (and you're interested in her), then just go for it and whatever happens, happens.

 

People tend to react more favorably to those that seem to enjoy life and are happy with themselves.

 

Even many people who are in happy committed relationships still put themselves out there (either by themselves or together with their BF/GF), simply because they enjoy engaging and interacting with the world.

 

Lastly OP...it's worthwhile to make an effort to understand (most) others...after all that's kinda an important ingredient in order to form any kind of relationship (romantic, platonic, business, etc). However, I suggest not stressing your brain out TOO much in trying to understand others. Some people you will quickly and intuitively understand; many others you'll gradually understand after getting to know them a bit; some others will be difficult to understand no matter how hard you try (although someone else may "get" her/him quite easily)...and yes, there's a tiny percentage of people that just aren't worth trying to comprehend in the first place.

Edited August 3, 2016 by GravityMan

[ZA Dater]

I'll just point out that "stopped looking" does not have to mean "give up"...

 

Instead, it can just mean "not focused on finding a girlfriend". And I think that's a healthy mindset to have for anyone who's single. You can have that attitude and still be approachable & receptive to someone you find attractive. In fact, I think that many men (and women) that are currently in relationships had that mindset prior to meeting their current partner. And then they suddenly met their partner one day, the chemistry was undeniable, one person or the other made a move, and things gradually progressed and blossomed into a relationship.

 

A guy that tries really hard to date or makes it a critical personal mission to find a GF will probably just make matters harder for himself, not easier. It may hurt his level of attractiveness. Others will sense that "try-hard"/"cares too much" vibe and may keep their distance. There's much more to life than dating and romance. Heck, having an interesting life of your own will likely make you a more intriguing person in the eyes of others.

 

OP, it's fine...good even to not focus so much on dating or finding a GF. But it's unwise and unhealthy to retreat into your own shell and completely neglect women and give up. That also limits your ability to learn more about the world and other people (including women). Just put yourself out there, interact with others (men, women, etc.), and relax and just live life. Pursue your hobbies and passions, share your interests and jokes and stuff with others, etc. And then one day if you meet a woman that seems interested in you (and you're interested in her), then just go for it and whatever happens, happens.

 

People tend to react more favorably to those that seem to enjoy life and are happy with themselves.

 

Even many people who are in happy committed relationships still put themselves out there (either by themselves or together with their BF/GF), simply because they enjoy engaging and interacting with the world.

 

Lastly OP...it's worthwhile to make an effort to understand (most) others...after all that's kinda an important ingredient in order to form any kind of relationship (romantic, platonic, business, etc). However, I suggest not stressing your brain out TOO much in trying to understand others. Some people you will quickly and intuitively understand; many others you'll gradually understand after getting to know them a bit; some others will be difficult to understand no matter how hard you try (although someone else may "get" her/him quite easily)...and yes, there's a tiny percentage of people that just aren't worth trying to comprehend in the first place.

 

 

On respect of point one, I am just going to carry on doing the things I like, most of which aren't very people centric at all. Sure, I have the social club I run but apart from that and maybe two friends I don't really have a lot of "people". I have never been able to integrate myself socially to any level and instead of beating myself up about that its easier to just accept who I am and be that instead of trying to be someone I am not.

 

 

Am I capable of integrating myself, possibly but people just look at me like I am from another planet and I cant ever usually find any common ground with anyone. It would also be true to say people smell rejection all over me, trying to change one day at a time but its difficult when it synchs with loneliness.

 

I look at things with a great degree of objectivity and find the best decisions I make are those I make based on fact rather than emotion, everyone I have pursued was a factual pursuit primarily based on in my opinion my chances of success, that has not worked out well for me at all to be blunt. Yes, once of twice I let emotion get the better of me and got caught up in a situation where I thought "ok its probably not going to work but lets try", the outcome was less than favourable.

 

 

What I have at the moment is probably realistically the best I can hope to get, just going to embrace that and enjoy it for what it is and not read too far into what I don't have and just supress any want I have for more.

 

 

Another thing I learnt is be careful in buying to extensively into advice given by friends, unfortunately there is no set formula which defines attractiveness, you either are attractive to what you want or you are not. I used to think you could breach that divide but I learnt its practically impossible.

[sam light]

People who search too hard for their mate are often disappointed and they can put out a desperation vibe.

 

Life with a GF can vary greatly, some days are heaven, some are hell for each of them. Instead of missing the heaven aspect, focus on the hell aspect that you're avoiding. In other words be happy.

 

I'd say that you should still look for sex without looking for a permanent GF. As far as more mundane pleasures, you may want to seek out a platonic female friend for the trips, dinners, and other activities that couples engage in.

[ZA Dater]

People who search too hard for their mate are often disappointed and they can put out a desperation vibe.

 

Life with a GF can vary greatly, some days are heaven, some are hell for each of them. Instead of missing the heaven aspect, focus on the hell aspect that you're avoiding. In other words be happy.

 

I'd say that you should still look for sex without looking for a permanent GF. As far as more mundane pleasures, you may want to seek out a platonic female friend for the trips, dinners, and other activities that couples engage in.

 

Agreed totally.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I'll just point out that "stopped looking" does not have to mean "give up"...

 

Instead, it can just mean "not focused on finding a girlfriend". And I think that's a healthy mindset to have for anyone who's single. You can have that attitude and still be approachable & receptive to someone you find attractive. In fact, I think that many men (and women) that are currently in relationships had that mindset prior to meeting their current partner. And then they suddenly met their partner one day, the chemistry was undeniable, one person or the other made a move, and things gradually progressed and blossomed into a relationship.

 

A guy that tries really hard to date or makes it a critical personal mission to find a GF will probably just make matters harder for himself, not easier. It may hurt his level of attractiveness. Others will sense that "try-hard"/"cares too much" vibe and may keep their distance. There's much more to life than dating and romance. Heck, having an interesting life of your own will likely make you a more intriguing person in the eyes of others.

 

OP, it's fine...good even to not focus so much on dating or finding a GF. But it's unwise and unhealthy to retreat into your own shell and completely neglect women and give up. That also limits your ability to learn more about the world and other people (including women). Just put yourself out there, interact with others (men, women, etc.), and relax and just live life. Pursue your hobbies and passions, share your interests and jokes and stuff with others, etc. And then one day if you meet a woman that seems interested in you (and you're interested in her), then just go for it and whatever happens, happens.

 

People tend to react more favorably to those that seem to enjoy life and are happy with themselves.

 

Even many people who are in happy committed relationships still put themselves out there (either by themselves or together with their BF/GF), simply because they enjoy engaging and interacting with the world.

 

Lastly OP...it's worthwhile to make an effort to understand (most) others...after all that's kinda an important ingredient in order to form any kind of relationship (romantic, platonic, business, etc). However, I suggest not stressing your brain out TOO much in trying to understand others. Some people you will quickly and intuitively understand; many others you'll gradually understand after getting to know them a bit; some others will be difficult to understand no matter how hard you try (although someone else may "get" her/him quite easily)...and yes, there's a tiny percentage of people that just aren't worth trying to comprehend in the first place.

 

Well like a guy can't go about his daily life and forget about getting a girlfriend if he wants one, just how does he take action about it and pursue since girls generally will not actively pursue it or initiate with a guy

[normal person]

Well like a guy can't go about his daily life and forget about getting a girlfriend if he wants one, just how does he take action about it and pursue since girls generally will not actively pursue it or initiate with a guy

 

Do online dating and don't message anyone. Only go out with the girls who message or wink/like you. You'll have a 100% success rate.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Do online dating and don't message anyone. Only go out with the girls who message or wink/like you. You'll have a 100% success rate.

 

Sure, if they are Nigerian scammers with a stock photo of some Russian model.

 

That's the only time it works. ;-)

[normal person]

Sure, if they are Nigerian scammers with a stock photo of some Russian model.

 

That's the only time it works. ;-)

 

Think whatever you want. My experience has been quite the opposite.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Think whatever you want. My experience has been quite the opposite.

 

 

If you say so, of course, living in NYC probably helps with a high concentration of singles in your area.

 

I do recall a couple of women that emailed me, but...they were Jabbe the Hutt-sized and chain smokers with rebel flags in for bedsheets, so not my thing.lol

[ZA Dater]

Do online dating and don't message anyone. Only go out with the girls who message or wink/like you. You'll have a 100% success rate.

 

I totally disagree with you on this one. The proviso is here where I am OLD doesn't exactly attract the greatest selection of people. Its pointless going out with someone you don't find attractive.

 

 

100% success rate at dating someone you aren't interest in to begin with. All that leads to is unhappiness and needles introspection to try and understand why those people like you.

 

 

I have no doubt even I may be able to find a date in NYC, I am sure my South African accent may help...

[normal person]

I totally disagree with you on this one. The proviso is here where I am OLD doesn't exactly attract the greatest selection of people. Its pointless going out with someone you don't find attractive.

 

So what do people do? If you want success, I suggest doing that thing.

 

100% success rate at dating someone you aren't interest in to begin with. All that leads to is unhappiness and needles introspection to try and understand why those people like you.

 

If you assume every place is like Cape Town. Dating culture is different across the globe. Online dating is a godsend for guys here. Of the pool that likes you, you just pick the ones you like. Too easy.

 

I have no doubt even I may be able to find a date in NYC, I am sure my South African accent may help...

 

I'm sure you could easily. It's pretty hard not to go out on a Friday or Saturday night and not come home with at least a number. That's one of the reasons why I like living here. You have to figure out how to make the most of the culture and customs of your own city. Optimize things. If, you know, you want to. I guess the point of this thread is that you don't want to, which is fine too, I guess, assuming you're happier this way.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Do online dating and don't message anyone. Only go out with the girls who message or wink/like you. You'll have a 100% success rate.

 

I have even tried using the dating app Bumble, for a little over a month now but not even one message from a girl on there, but but still even that's very rare on any dating app or dating site

[ZA Dater]

So what do people do? If you want success, I suggest doing that thing.

 

 

 

If you assume every place is like Cape Town. Dating culture is different across the globe. Online dating is a godsend for guys here. Of the pool that likes you, you just pick the ones you like. Too easy.

 

 

 

I'm sure you could easily. It's pretty hard not to go out on a Friday or Saturday night and not come home with at least a number. That's one of the reasons why I like living here. You have to figure out how to make the most of the culture and customs of your own city. Optimize things. If, you know, you want to. I guess the point of this thread is that you don't want to, which is fine too, I guess, assuming you're happier this way.

 

I am happier not doing OLD where I find absolutely nobody of interest and instead find the odd person sending me messages despite the criteria I have clearly ruling them out.

 

My point is this, getting dates you don't want cant ever be construed as success, that's just fooling yourself into thinking its success. Its like going to that corner store and buying a polyester jacket and then thinking its a pure cotton Armani jacket.

 

Your theory is quite correct, if you like the people who like you and if people like you to begin with.

 

You are right about dating cultures, here I don't find anyone to be particularly friendly, when I did used to go out, on my own I might add I sat at bars in clubs and never found anyone remotely interested in interacting with me, in fact it just felt like I had a room of thousand people looking at me. Not the nicest feeling which is why I stopped doing this because I was doing myself more harm than good, going out and coming home feeling really poorly of myself. Here we have extremely attractive people and many are perpetually single.

 

I think if you are going to be unsuccessful at dating you have two options

1: tear yourself apart emotionally through introspection and end up feeling completely useless, try be something you are not to attract people and find you feel even worse, take the advice of friends who cannot relate and you end up feeling like some experiment and project.

2: accept you are not good at it and aren't attractive to most people and simply own that, take it on the chin, get on with life, do the things you like and simply try and operate as an individual, yes I'd love to go out to dinners but there is no way I am going to sit in an eatery on my own. I don't do things which make me feel single and like a looser for being so. Work on things you can improve, get fitter, work out mentally, adopt a different attitude but do it for you, nobody else.

 

I spent near as makes no difference 10 years as number 1 on that list and it took me nowhere besides the very edge of despair. One day I realised life doesn't need to be like that, walking away, while really hard allowed me to see number 2. I wont lie, I would love girlfriend but not at the cost of number 1 and not if its someone I don't really like.

 

In my mind I know I am a good guy, vindicated by people who know me, I know I could be really good for someone, I have lots to give but at the same time I am not going to go and drive myself to the edge of despair with dating and being rejected just because I don't fit the mould of what people like.

[Inflikted]

I, myself, have effectively "given up" on dating and having friendships or any kind of social life, and I'm 27. I desired those things so badly during my late teens through early 20s, but what I ultimately came away with is that people don't like me, people aren't attracted to me, and that I have absolutely nothing of any value to offer another human being. Which, was a very tough pill to swallow, and even now, it kind of wears on me from time to time.

 

But, it's the simple truth. Every single time I've tried and made any effort to connect with and bond with another person, whether it be platonic or otherwise, I'm met with indifference and disinterest at best, and flat out rejection at worst. Every time. This has proven to me that I'm simply not good enough for anyone, period.

 

I've hit a point, finally, where I just don't have the energy to feel sad, or to feel much of anything, about that fact anymore, though. It just "is". I guess to some degree, life is a bit let stressful when I'm not feeling so sad and miserable about being so worthless.

 

Unfortunately, though, I've yet to discover things I can invest myself into that make me feel "happy" and more satisfied with life in general. I mean, I have hobbies and little things I do by myself, but they tend to just feel like distractions. Empty, hollow distractions. It's too bad, really, that I can't find something that brings me some kind of satisfaction in life. Ah well.

[LostOne1]

I like ZA_Dater's approach.. but I'd say it needs a small tweak.

 

Virtually every guy I talked to has told me the same thing..... they met their significant other at a time they least expected it.

 

One guy started a new job, worked with a co-worker for 2 years. Later realized he liked her and asked her out. They were mutual work friends for so long till one day he realized he liked this girl... so he asked her out, now they have 2 kids and are married.

 

Another guy went on a travel group trip. He had no intentions on meeting anyone and was going because he was dying to hit up this one city. He ends up meeting someone on the trip, they hang out talk lots.. by the end of it they exchanged numbers and were dating.

 

I have many more examples, but morale of the stories is all of them set out to do their own thing. They were not even thinking about dating or women. And, the next thing you know they have met someone when they least expected it.

 

It's the same approach I also take.. I do my own stuff that I enjoy. Write music, visit meet ups that have fun board games etc... I do it because I want to use my time in a way where I can say I made good use of it.

 

Sure if some day I run into someone then great. If not, my reason to be there was already fulfilled.

[Revolver]

I stopped trying in college, but I wouldn't say I'm happier now it's just I have more things going on in my life to distract me. Like my career, I finally have my own place and have done some traveling.

[health]

Well, I hope you all fall in love with a girl that loves you.

 

I too want to give up, but hey if I meet a girl I meet one.

 

I'm grateful I had a 5+ year relationship and even filmed us getting intimate. Partly because I

Was so scared it would end, which it did.

 

I've been single for over 8 years - liked and asked out over 20 girls

since and been rejected each time.

 

I find comfort in knowing I'm not alone, I quit alcohol and ciggs for almost two years and have things going for me in life. Just not with women.

 

I saw countless couples where I work today. If other guys

can make it happen so can we!

[ZA Dater]

I like ZA_Dater's approach.. but I'd say it needs a small tweak.

 

Virtually every guy I talked to has told me the same thing..... they met their significant other at a time they least expected it.

 

One guy started a new job, worked with a co-worker for 2 years. Later realized he liked her and asked her out. They were mutual work friends for so long till one day he realized he liked this girl... so he asked her out, now they have 2 kids and are married.

 

Another guy went on a travel group trip. He had no intentions on meeting anyone and was going because he was dying to hit up this one city. He ends up meeting someone on the trip, they hang out talk lots.. by the end of it they exchanged numbers and were dating.

 

I have many more examples, but morale of the stories is all of them set out to do their own thing. They were not even thinking about dating or women. And, the next thing you know they have met someone when they least expected it.

 

It's the same approach I also take.. I do my own stuff that I enjoy. Write music, visit meet ups that have fun board games etc... I do it because I want to use my time in a way where I can say I made good use of it.

 

Sure if some day I run into someone then great. If not, my reason to be there was already fulfilled.

 

 

1+2: A really horrible cliché in my opinion, people tell me that all the time to try make me feel better, instead I just find it patronizing. Sure, it can happen but I think for it to happen one needs to put oneself out there, which I don't do. Much prefer not putting myself out there, that way I don't feel like some sort of looser. Stick to people I know, things I like, even if nobody else seems to like them.

 

 

3: Agreed, except you do miss the social interaction perhaps, deep down people want companionship, there is no question about that but equally we can all hold into a perceived ideal, chase it even though the chances of success are slim to non existent, at least then one has some purpose in dating terms.

 

 

I think for me the important positive is being able to let go of bitterness which was eating away at me, I am not really bitter anymore, sure have achieved nothing of consequence at dating, I am 32 years old and never been kissed, by most accounts that a terrible statistic, I can either be bitter about it or just own it for what it is.

 

 

Everyone around me is getting married or is married and some have kids, I seem routed to the same place I was 10 years ago, watching everyone else fly by, to combat this I distract myself or try to.

 

 

I don't believe that dating gets easier with age and inexperience becomes impossible to explain away beyond a certain age.

[LookAtThisPOst]

1+2: A really horrible cliché in my opinion, people tell me that all the time to try make me feel better, instead I just find it patronizing. Sure, it can happen but I think for it to happen one needs to put oneself out there, which I don't do. Much prefer not putting myself out there, that way I don't feel like some sort of looser. Stick to people I know, things I like, even if nobody else seems to like them.

 

 

3: Agreed, except you do miss the social interaction perhaps, deep down people want companionship, there is no question about that but equally we can all hold into a perceived ideal, chase it even though the chances of success are slim to non existent, at least then one has some purpose in dating terms.

 

 

I think for me the important positive is being able to let go of bitterness which was eating away at me, I am not really bitter anymore, sure have achieved nothing of consequence at dating, I am 32 years old and never been kissed, by most accounts that a terrible statistic, I can either be bitter about it or just own it for what it is.

 

 

Everyone around me is getting married or is married and some have kids, I seem routed to the same place I was 10 years ago, watching everyone else fly by, to combat this I distract myself or try to.

 

 

I don't believe that dating gets easier with age and inexperience becomes impossible to explain away beyond a certain age.

 

Later realized he liked her and asked her out.

 

This part I don't get "later he realized he liked her."

 

How can you "realize" that you like someone? Everyone woman that I EVER liked, I liked them off the bat. It was like there was switched that automatically turned on. I don't buy it. You cannot "realize" you like someone. There's no epiphany here.

 

He liked her this whole time, and just didn't act upon it right away. There was no revelation.

[elaine567]

This part I don't get "later he realized he liked her."

 

How can you "realize" that you like someone? Everyone woman that I EVER liked, I liked them off the bat. It was like there was switched that automatically turned on. I don't buy it. You cannot "realize" you like someone. There's no epiphany here.

 

He liked her this whole time, and just didn't act upon it right away. There was no revelation.

 

The difference lies between "like" and "like"

[SoThatHappened]

I am 32 years old and never been kissed,

This is disheartening. I strongly suggest getting into a social setting with as many women as possible, get your butt a little drunk, and let this happen.

 

I don't advise drinking to be help socialize, but I think you need a jumpstart on this. I think (as I've experienced it too) that you need your inhibitions and mindset to be put aside with a little liquid courage.

 

She doesn't have to be a 10 or "the one." She just has to break the ice.

[ZA Dater]

This is disheartening. I strongly suggest getting into a social setting with as many women as possible, get your butt a little drunk, and let this happen.

 

I don't advise drinking to be help socialize, but I think you need a jumpstart on this. I think (as I've experienced it too) that you need your inhibitions and mindset to be put aside with a little liquid courage.

 

She doesn't have to be a 10 or "the one." She just has to break the ice.

 

I am not a drinker out of choice, never really understood the fascination with drinking as a means to be social. Not drinking reduces dating prospects massively.

 

 

It also reduces social prospects considerably.

 

 

As I say it is what it is, I can choose to cry over spilt milk or I can just own the circumstance I find myself in. I can blame society, I can blame others but ultimately everyone else does just fine or the majority do so again I just need to own the fact that where I am is mostly due to me and nobody else.

 

 

You find happy go lucky people and I am definitely not one of those, I look at life with serious eyes and to the majority that's a significant turnoff.

 

 

Again its who I am, its just unfortunate that most of me is inherently unattractive to any and everyone I like.

 

 

I dabbled a few times and trying to override my moral lines and try to find something purely physical and while I could talk the talk over text it flopped each time I met the person, anything which had been built up just evaporated. It was a stupid plan to begin with.

 

 

As I say I cant blame everyone for where I am but I do wish things were different, I do wish people walked to a different beat, I do wish just sometimes people would see the best in me not the worst, I do wish people would actually give me a chance, I can do a lot and I can offer a lot but I am just not prepared to beg and grovel and be kicked in the teeth countless times. Other guys are welcome to go through that, I'd prefer not to, especially when my chance of success is pretty much zero with the few people I do find attractive.