Caught girlfriend yesterday and don't know how to proceed

[Strekoza]

Hey guys, this is my first time ever posting on here. Basically we started dating a little over a year ago. We met when she just came to NY from Eastern Europe and didn't speak a word of English, I was 23 and she was 18. Prior to this she had been a kissless virgin. We dated for almost 2 months before she felt comfortable enough with me to make my first move. I valued that she wasn't like everyone in that sense and everything was going great for the about the first 8 months.

 

Afterwards, she got some sexually transmitted bacteria (which she had claimed I gave her) our sex life ended because she was always in pain, that obviously made our relationship all go downhill. We began to fight all the time and about everything. I got to the point when I just tried to avoid seeing her if not necessary. Eventually, one of us would call the other because we missed each other and it would repeat every time. Finally she asked on a Friday if she can have a break till the end of the week so she can think about us and "find herself", she said she just wanted to spend some time alone.

 

I think it was working in a sense that I started to think about everything I was doing wrong and how I can change for the better. Not sure what happened, but she uploaded an old picture on Facebook and I didn't speak to her that day, for some reason that picture had made me furious, I saw some guy who hearted all her pics. The next day I woke up in a state of rage and called her mid day because I sensed something strange going on. I asked if we can meet to talk about things. She asked if we can please do it tomorrow, I insisted we do it today. I asked where she was, she said she was at some street fair. My next question was "with whom?" She told me she was with a girl from class.

 

I knew that was bull****. So while I was driving there I called her again and said to make sure the girl stays "I'm dying to meet her!" She asked me if I was sure and I said yes. I drove like a maniac and ran 2 miles accross the park ready to knock that son of a bitch out but when I got there it was obviously just her. At first she told me that the girl left, then she tried to tell me that there was no girl and finally she admitted it. It was a guy from politics class and exactly the one I suspected (never heard of him before this)...

 

I immediately turned around to leave, but she was begging me to stay, she was crying, apologizing, telling me that she had no intention to do anything other than go to the fair and that I wouldn't have took her if she asked. My response was "with that logic if I want sex and you weren't giving it to me, perhaps I should look elsewhere?" It made her speechless and my feelings for her went to nothing in seconds. I offered to drive her home one last time, then I couldn't get her out of my car for over 2 hours. Now, It is the next morning and I feel sick to my stomach, the worst part is that she tried to put me off till the next day so she can spend time with some other guy and that she tried to tell me it was a girl...

 

I wouldn't have been as mad if she was honest about everything.

My prior relationship also ended due to cheating on her end, so I was already paranoid to begin with.

 

Guys, please give me some advice for I can't think straight any more. I loved this girl more than I've ever loved anyone, but i don't know if this is worth destroying my ego over.

Edited July 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

She is a liar and a cheater.

 

She got some STD after 8 months of seeing you, and blamed you? Well, did you have sex with anyone else? If not, chances are that she did! Where else would she have got it from?

 

Dump her. If she has some of your stuff, get it back, and give her back anything you have of hers. Then never speak to her again

[Strekoza]

Actually the part about the STD is true. She really was a virgin and I've had unprotected sex with others before. I later got tested and the doctor confirmed I have it after multiple attempts.

[ExpatInItaly]

She is a liar and a cheater.

 

She got some STD after 8 months of seeing you, and blamed you? Well, did you have sex with anyone else? If not, chances are that she did! Where else would she have got it from?

 

Dump her. If she has some of your stuff, get it back, and give her back anything you have of hers. Then never speak to her again

 

This. Did you ever get yourself tested, OP? What did she say she caught? If you were/are clean, then she was the one having sex with other guys and caught something.

 

Sorry, but I think she's been feeding you lies for a long time.

 

Get rid of her. She's not good for you.

[Strekoza]

Also, it isn't exactly an STD, rather some bacteria that is treated with a few days of antibiotics. It's called Ureaplasma

[PegNosePete]

Well, that doesn't really change anything.

 

She lied and cheated on you. You should dump her.

[Strekoza]

You're absolutely right, just wanted to clarify that. The only way I was able to get her to leave is that I told her that I will need to think about it. The more I do, the more I realize that I won't be able to accept it.

This time my reaction was the complete opposite of how my last one ended. I approached it in a calm manner and even offered her a ride. Last time I was so aggressive and angry that I ended up in a psych ward.

[elaine567]

Truth of the matter is that she is 18 and she was a virgin when you met.

Your relationship went downhill big time, complicated by a ureaplasma infection that you gave her.

She is no doubt attractive to other men that she meets, she is curious.

She now wants a break and is probably looking for another man.

 

She is young, she needs to have a good time, not spend time fighting with you.

Relationships run their course.

It is over.

Accept it.

Grieve, heal and move on.

[biker23]

Truth of the matter is that she is 18 and she was a virgin when you met.

Your relationship went downhill big time, complicated by a ureaplasma infection that you gave her.

She is no doubt attractive to other men that she meets, she is curious.

She now wants a break and is probably looking for another man.

 

She is young, she needs to have a good time, not spend time fighting with you.

Relationships run their course.

It is over.

Accept it.

Grieve, heal and move on.

 

This is right on. You were already not just fighting but didn't want to see each other. She's very young. Big new country. No way ready for an exclusive relationship. And yes a cheater

[Strekoza]

Elaine, thanks for your support!

If she wanted another man she could have just said so, no one was holding her, it's the dishonesty in this whole situation that angered me.

I'm a pretty attractive guy and women want me too, but I never crossed the line. She is actually turning 20 in 3 months and I'm turning 24 in two so I don't exactly consider myself to be so old and think I may deserve to have a good time too.

You're right! I will let her go and I hope she finds that "other" man. I once told her during an argument that the only time you will start to appreciate me is when you meet a few other guys and have someone else to compare me with.

[elaine567]

Elaine, thanks for your support!

If she wanted another man she could have just said so, no one was holding her, it's the dishonesty in this whole situation that angered me.

I'm a pretty attractive guy and women want me too, but I never crossed the line. She is actually turning 20 in 3 months and I'm turning 24 in two so I don't exactly consider myself to be so old and think I may deserve to have a good time too.

You're right! I will let her go and I hope she finds that "other" man. I once told her during an argument that the only time you will start to appreciate me is when you meet a few other guys and have someone else to compare me with.

 

I think you are correct, you both deserve to have a good time. Spending time fighting and arguing is the sign of a relationship that isn't working. Life is too short.

Virgins in LTRs often feel they missed out, so whilst some people are attracted to the fact their partner never slept with anyone else, that fact can also be the source of unhappiness in the virgin and they then feel the need to go and explore other people.

[Strekoza]

Yup, I realize that. Guess it's going to be one hell of a challenge to find another virgin, who doesn't think like that.

[hippychick3]

A girl who asks for a break so she can find herself is a girl who wants to take time to explore another relationship.

[Strekoza]

My last relationship ended after I got cheated on. It was the worst time of my life, my ego was so hurt. I ended up in a psych ward because I didn't know how to act. It took me about 9 months to fully recover from it. I then started dating again and finally found "the one". I thought this was everything I ever wanted in a woman: She just came from Europe, was 18, a virgin, marriage material, behaved perfectly, crazy about me and enjoyed everything I did. We've been together for over a year and our relationship was going downhill for the last few months of it. I imagined anything from her but not this, she cheated on me too! So obviously despite all her apologizing and begging, I dumped her, but I am so crushed. Haven't been able to eat, sleep, concentrate on anything, am in constant pain. I don't think I can do this again, trying to avoid drinking and pot but I don't think I can hold of for much longer. Why is everyone so dishonest with me? I am also attractive and had all the chances, but never cheated on anyone, it would make me feel like **** about myself. Please help, I don't know what to do and feel like there's no one else out there left for me and even if there is, I can't look any more.

[elaine567]

My last relationship ended after I got cheated on. It was the worst time of my life, my ego was so hurt. I ended up in a psych ward because I didn't know how to act. It took me about 9 months to fully recover from it. I then started dating again and finally found "the one". I thought this was everything I ever wanted in a woman: She just came from Europe, was 18, a virgin, marriage material, behaved perfectly, crazy about me and enjoyed everything I did. We've been together for over a year and our relationship was going downhill for the last few months of it. I imagined anything from her but not this, she cheated on me too! So obviously despite all her apologizing and begging, I dumped her, but I am so crushed. Haven't been able to eat, sleep, concentrate on anything, am in constant pain. I don't think I can do this again, trying to avoid drinking and pot but I don't think I can hold of for much longer. Why is everyone so dishonest with me? I am also attractive and had all the chances, but never cheated on anyone, it would make me feel like **** about myself. Please help, I don't know what to do and feel like there's no one else out there left for me and even if there is, I can't look any more.

 

YOU have to make better choices.

Why would you think an 18 yo virgin from Eastern Europe was going to be "the one".

Young woman, awakened sexuality, in America, studying, educated, the world is her oyster, choices abound, no doubt flattering male attention everywhere, what would you expect her to do? Get married and have kids???

Even if she had decided to follow the marriage route, the chances are at 25 she would realise what she missed out on and left anyway.

 

No-one should expect that teenagers and educated men and women in their early twenties will make good marriage material.

Plenty women out there for you, keep looking.

Grieve, heal and move on.

[Kelsy]

I feel like there is noone left for me too. I got dumped two times in a row. I dont know what I am doing wrong here. I never cheat and am trying my best. You can read my story. Maybe we are too good??? I don´t know.

[Strekoza]

Elaine, so your advice is that I should find a 40 something year old woman with a kid at 23?

 

I gave myself a goal to find a virgin after I realized with my past relationships who weren't, that their lack of virginity bothered the hell out of me and that I never could accept it, with no amount of therapy.

 

I am of Russian descent and wanted to find a girl who was also Russian, this one was from Ukraine. Close enough...

Also, I believe that girls from Russia and some other parts of Europe are raised properly, not to be promiscuous like they are here. They should be ready to marry by 25, most of the time earlier.

I always said this, but America ruins everyone and it looks like it did its job with her after a year as well.

 

When I decided what I wanted in a woman, I gave myself a goal to set up 2 dates a week with different girls and cross out what isn't for me. I kept with it until I landed on her, she met all my requirements in a woman. She was "the one".

Edited July 26, 2016 by Strekoza

[Strekoza]

Kelsy, I have come to realize that the definition of "cheating" is slightly different for women and men. Thanks, I will read your story in a little bit.

Edited July 26, 2016 by Strekoza

[lolablue17]

If she wanted another man she could have just said so, no one was holding her...

 

Ha ha ha ha ha....

 

DO you know how many times girls just couldn't cross the moment of telling me this, and made a full theatre production, just so they could avoid this moment? I had a girl who came with a "death in the family" story she totally made up, her going to the funeral, her coming back and the need to be few days with the family, just because she had a guy guest from abroad who had to sleep in her appartment, and she thought it will upset me.

 

I had a girl who i knew for only 2 weeks, she said "I love you", but apparently she has regretted. So she made up a imaginary internet hacker friend, who hacked her computer, and start stalking her, and sending her family & friends mails with threats. I got a very frightening message from "him". In the end i found out it was her who sent me the message with the threats. (I went to the police)

 

She could just say "i changed my mind, I don't love you". But she chose the criminal bizzar way to break up with me.

 

I have more than 10 , maby 15 bizzar stories of how girls just can't be honest, if you'd like... :)

[elaine567]

Elaine, so your advice is that I should find a 40 something year old woman with a kid at 23?

 

 

Er...no.

But this is actually roughly what I expected, you cannot cope with women having sexual pasts, hence your NEED for a virgin.

But as you have now found, a virgin, is not usually happy to stay with one man, as they feel they have missed out, so they tend to want to go off to find some excitement elsewhere at some point.

 

Dating isn't about following a scientific formula and out pops "the one" at the other end. You took no notice of the fact that she was another human being with thoughts and feelings of her own. She was not some plastic blob you could mould into "wife" material.

She was wrong to cheat on you, if that is indeed what she did, from your other thread it seems unclear, but you do seem to have a unrealistic expectation that relationships at your age (23) are going to end up in marriage. They may do, but it is not a given.

 

Getting Married Later Is Great for College-Educated Women - The Atlantic

[sandylee1]

Looking for a virgin in this day and age is very outdated thinking is likely to lead to disappointment. Why do you want a virgin when you aren't one yourself? 18 is a young age to meet someone and end up marrying them.

 

She's going to want to explore her sexually with other men, but she shouldn't have cheated on you if that's what she wanted.

[Strekoza]

I know she's a human, just that she striked me as an "honest" human.

I always get attacked, mostly by women when they find out about my obsession with virgins. It really has no explanation, I simply feel like I can never be happy with someone who isn't. Every time I lay a finger on her, all what's going through my mind is that someone else touched her before me. I've tried before with non virgins, all it lead to is that I treated her as a lesser being, which she really didn't deserve, so yeah maybe I'm sick. I told myself this last time, if I don't find exactly what I'm looking for I'll stay single my whole life.

I feel so empty today and all I want to do is forgive her, my ego will never allow it.

[Strekoza]

Thinking about how much dates I will have to go through to find her a decent replacement just makes me not want to go on at all.

Edited July 26, 2016 by Strekoza

[JoeSmith357-1]

Am I the only one that senses some anger and insecurity issues with the OP?

 

I mean, his meeting her at the fair to knock the other guy out? Really?

 

Glad you found that out now, you will be in a better place with a better woman.

[Keke1]

Am I the only one that senses some anger and insecurity issues with the OP?

 

I mean, his meeting her at the fair to knock the other guy out? Really?

 

Glad you found that out now, you will be in a better place with a better woman.

 

I came here to post this since it's been glossed over. This guy needs to be alone and possibly helped with therapy. You were right about her and should've just left her in the park. Not fought a guy or yelled at the guy.

 

Remember a guy will only do what is allowed of him. He has no relationship with you and owes you nothing. She was to blame and like I said should've been left in that park. You don't need that drama in your life.