Caught girlfriend yesterday and don't know how to proceed

[elaine567]

No, I don't think my short temper has anything to do with their honesty and loyalty.

 

OK but your short temper may be causing them to run into the arms of another, who wants to stay with a guy with a short fuse?

[Strekoza]

We have actually already answered that. What you're looking for isn't realistic these days.

 

Why can you not avoid alcohol and pot?

 

The reason is because I need to be distracted from this and while it does help during the time, when it wears off I feel twice as angry and depressed. Like after smoking yesterday, I almost convinced myself that she didn't cheat on me and picked up the phone to call. Doesn't change the fact that she wasn't completely honest with me. Then I spoke to an older guy who was telling me how he married someone believing they will change with time and how everything only got much worse, now he's divorced with 3 kids.

[ExpatInItaly]

OK but your short temper may be causing them to run into the arms of another, who wants to stay with a guy with a short fuse?

 

Exactly.

 

One's mental health - particularly when it comes to anger and impulse-control problems - is intertwined in one's relationships.

 

However, accountability is also critical. And that is clearly lacking in this case.

[Strekoza]

We have actually already answered that. What you're looking for isn't realistic these days.

 

Why can you not avoid alcohol and pot?

 

The reason is because I need to be distracted from this and while it does help during the time, when it wears off I feel twice as angry and depressed. Like after smoking yesterday, I almost convinced myself that she didn't cheat on me and picked up the phone to call. Doesn't change the fact that she wasn't completely honest with me. Then I spoke to an older guy who was telling me how he married someone believing they will change with time and how everything only got much worse, now he's divorced with 3 kids.

[ExpatInItaly]

OK but your short temper may be causing them to run into the arms of another, who wants to stay with a guy with a short fuse?

 

Oops, double-post

[ExpatInItaly]

The reason is because I need to be distracted from this and while it does help during the time, when it wears off I feel twice as angry and depressed. Like after smoking yesterday, I almost convinced myself that she didn't cheat on me and picked up the phone to call. Doesn't change the fact that she wasn't completely honest with me. Then I spoke to an older guy who was telling me how he married someone believing they will change with time and how everything only got much worse, now he's divorced with 3 kids.

 

So you need to learn more effective coping strategies.

 

What else have you tried?

[Strekoza]

OK but your short temper may be causing them to run into the arms of another, who wants to stay with a guy with a short fuse?

 

I don't believe that, that's just my nature and I was that way from day one. If we were together for a year maybe it's because there was something else about me besides the anger.

If it isn't in you, it isn't in you. If there are people like me who can't cheat, there has to be others. The reason has actually very little to do with my partner and a whole lot to do with my pride.

[Strekoza]

So you need to learn more effective coping strategies.

 

What else have you tried?

 

At the moment I'm trying to go out as much as I can with pretty much everyone. Calling up people I haven't spoke to in years, I'm usually a huge lonewolf and always prefer to be by myself. In the end those people also end up driving me towards pot, alcohol and harder drugs which really sucks but at this point I'm afraid to be myself because I know what I'm capable off.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't believe that, that's just my nature and I was that way from day one. If we were together for a year maybe it's because there was something else about me besides the anger.

If it isn't in you, it isn't in you. If there are people like me who can't cheat, there has to be others. The reason has actually very little to do with my partner and a whole lot to do with my pride.

 

I have been with a man who had anger problems.

 

Allow me to shed some light: The fact that it's who you are and that you've always been that way is irrelevant to your partner. If it's being directed towards us regularly, it's unacceptable. it's emotionally exhausting and we reach a point where the good moments cannot compensate for the temper problems. It's also a huge turn-off, and it can lead to a loss of attraction for the angry party. I am speaking from experience.

 

I found myself no longer wanting to be around him. I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I also couldn't understand why he stayed either if he was apparently so mad at me. So, I ended the relationship. It's a shame your ex didn't do the same before she went with another guy, but she's also very young and not mature.

 

I'm not saying that's the only reason your relationship is over. I am not saying she is blameless either. But you cannot claim that your anger problems didn't affect this relationship. Just looking at what you've written in this thread is very disturbing; dealing with that in person would be intolerable, whether you want to admit it or not.

 

You can choose to take some accountability, or not. The former will ultimately lead to a lot more happiness and success for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

At the moment I'm trying to go out as much as I can with pretty much everyone. Calling up people I haven't spoke to in years, I'm usually a huge lonewolf and always prefer to be by myself. In the end those people also end up driving me towards pot, alcohol and harder drugs which really sucks but at this point I'm afraid to be myself because I know what I'm capable off.

 

What do you mean by this? What is your fear?

 

Do you participate in physical activities? Those can be a huge stress-relief.

[elaine567]

I don't believe that, that's just my nature and I was that way from day one. If we were together for a year maybe it's because there was something else about me besides the anger.

 

Thing is when we meet someone we can put up with all sorts of bad behaviour, as we are often infatuated with the new and shiny.

She is always late, he is lazy, she talks too much, he has a short fuse... etc.etc.

We tell ourselves it doesn't matter or it is just a cute quirk.

BUT as time goes on we notice those things more and more, and they start to annoy.

 

Your gf was very young, she had no real experience of relationships and probably put up with your anger and issues, thinking it was all just normal.

As she grew up, she realised you were not what she wanted, hence the fighting recently, and then when given the chance to see the politics guy at the fair, she jumped at the chance.

He was her way out...

[Strekoza]

I have been with a man who had anger problems.

 

Allow me to shed some light: The fact that it's who you are and that you've always been that way is irrelevant to your partner. If it's being directed towards us regularly, it's unacceptable. it's emotionally exhausting and we reach a point where the good moments cannot compensate for the temper problems. It's also a huge turn-off, and it can lead to a loss of attraction for the angry party. I am speaking from experience.

 

I found myself no longer wanting to be around him. I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I also couldn't understand why he stayed either if he was apparently so mad at me. So, I ended the relationship. It's a shame your ex didn't do the same before she went with another guy, but she's also very young and not mature.

 

I'm not saying that's the only reason your relationship is over. I am not saying she is blameless either. But you cannot claim that your anger problems didn't affect this relationship. Just looking at what you've written in this thread is very disturbing; dealing with that in person would be intolerable, whether you want to admit it or not.

 

You can choose to take some accountability, or not. The former will ultimately lead to a lot more happiness and success for you.

 

It is directed at everybody who interacts with the angry person, especially the people closest to you. However, when we were starting out almost nothing she did made me angry, I was just observing her and asking myself what I did to deserve such a prize. She just had that calming affect on me when I always felt at peace when together. I was still angry and aggressive towards almost everyone else and she saw that, not sure what made her want to join that side.

[Strekoza]

Thing is when we meet someone we can put up with all sorts of bad behaviour, as we are often infatuated with the new and shiny.

She is always late, he is lazy, she talks too much, he has a short fuse... etc.etc.

We tell ourselves it doesn't matter or it is just a cute quirk.

BUT as time goes on we notice those things more and more, and they start to annoy.

 

Your gf was very young, she had no real experience of relationships and probably put up with your anger and issues, thinking it was all just normal.

As she grew up, she realised you were not what she wanted, hence the fighting recently, and then when given the chance to see the politics guy at the fair, she jumped at the chance.

He was her way out...

 

She used to cry and get emotional every time we departed and kiss me in my sleep. Not sure, how someone can go from that to seeing some random douchebag from politics.

[Strekoza]

Hi,

 

Think she is to something, when this hadn't to be I used an online private detective to catch my partner out. They used honey trap and he had been cheating on me all along only cost me $50

 

Thanks a lot! Already did all the dirty detective work myself.

[ExpatInItaly]

It is directed at everybody who interacts with the angry person, especially the people closest to you. However, when we were starting out almost nothing she did made me angry, I was just observing her and asking myself what I did to deserve such a prize. She just had that calming affect on me when I always felt at peace when together. I was still angry and aggressive towards almost everyone else and she saw that, not sure what made her want to join that side.

 

Because that too is a turn-off. Women want partners who are respectful people in general and if we see our men being jerks to everyone else, it is a big red flag. It's not a desirable trait, and we know that sooner or later it will be directed at us too.

 

Like you, my ex was generally aggressive towards others as well. It kills attraction.

[Strekoza]

Because that too is a turn-off. Women want partners who are respectful people in general and if we see our men being jerks to everyone else, it is a big red flag. It's not a desirable trait, and we know that sooner or later it will be directed at us too.

 

Like you, my ex was generally aggressive towards others as well. It kills attraction.

 

Generally men want partners who know what they want in life and are confident, she didn't have any of that and I was okay with it. It's all give and take, everyone has their minuses. Most of all men want a partner who will stay loyal to him.

[Strekoza]

Well, maybe he had something else to offer you in addition to his anger, since you married him in the first place. if you didn't know that you wouldn't be able to deal with it than I think it's your fault for stringing him along.

In Russia, the women outnumber the men heavily and over there it's them who compete for male attention most of the time. The reason I like it more is because they actually believe in fixing the problem when there is one rather than leaving to then next one like everyone is doing over here.

[stillafool]

Generally men want partners who know what they want in life and are confident, she didn't have any of that and I was okay with it. It's all give and take, everyone has their minuses. Most of all men want a partner who will stay loyal to him.

 

Most young people 18-20 do not have confidence but as they grow they gain it. It is very normal. Also this girl may be a very loyal partner later in life but as a young woman she is doing right to date around before getting serious with someone and settling down. If she doesn't get this out of her system when she is young it will resurface later and perhaps when she is married. I know you want a virgin but you are asking to be cheated on by chosing a virgin. They eventually will want to experience sex with someone other than you. You seem to think that Russian women are the best when it comes to morals. Have you thought about connecting with one of them?

[Strekoza]

Most young people 18-20 do not have confidence but as they grow they gain it. It is very normal. Also this girl may be a very loyal partner later in life but as a young woman she is doing right to date around before getting serious with someone and settling down. If she doesn't get this out of her system when she is young it will resurface later and perhaps when she is married. I know you want a virgin but you are asking to be cheated on by chosing a virgin. They eventually will want to experience sex with someone other than you. You seem to think that Russian women are the best when it comes to morals. Have you thought about connecting with one of them?

 

Well, not while you convince the other party that it is serious and you want to settle down. I don't believe that she will be loyal. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Most of the women I've been with were Russian, In my head I'm blaming her behavior on the fact that she was Ukrainian, not Russian.

[Strekoza]

Well, not while you convince the other party that it is serious and you want to settle down. I don't believe that she will be loyal. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Most of the women I've been with were Russian, In my head I'm blaming her behavior on the fact that she was Ukrainian, not Russian.

 

The other cheater was Australian, but I can't say I didn't expect it from her to begin with so I didn't have that horrible of a reaction that I do with this one.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, maybe he had something else to offer you in addition to his anger, since you married him in the first place. if you didn't know that you wouldn't be able to deal with it than I think it's your fault for stringing him along.

In Russia, the women outnumber the men heavily and over there it's them who compete for male attention most of the time. The reason I like it more is because they actually believe in fixing the problem when there is one rather than leaving to then next one like everyone is doing over here.

 

If you are speaking to me - where did I say I married him?

 

I didn't. This was an ex-boyfriend. I ended it after one year because I knew I couldn't deal with his anger issues and because I was no longer attracted to him. I deserved better, and I found better.

 

There is no reason a woman - or man - should stay with a partner who is mistreating them, particularly when they are not married and have no children. What a waste of time. This has nothing to do with nationality. Your ex herself is evidence of that, given that she isn't American either. So you argument is baseless and wishful thinking on your part.

 

Accountability would go a long way here, OP. In the end, your way of approaching relationships evidently isn't working. You can keep doing the same things and expecting different results (which you are unlikely to get) or you can take some responsibility and reflect and make positive changes.

 

But I do question why you haven't relocated to Russia? You seem to imagine it as a place filled with women who are better-suited to you. What is holding you back from taking steps to move? Have you thought about looking for work there? I know more than one person who has successfully relocated there and other FSU nations. You have a very obvious distaste for American women, so it seems pointless for you to try to date any.

[stillafool]

Well, not while you convince the other party that it is serious and you want to settle down. I don't believe that she will be loyal. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Most of the women I've been with were Russian, In my head I'm blaming her behavior on the fact that she was Ukrainian, not Russian.

 

This is what I'm saying, go back to dating Russian women.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, not while you convince the other party that it is serious and you want to settle down. I don't believe that she will be loyal. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Most of the women I've been with were Russian, In my head I'm blaming her behavior on the fact that she was Ukrainian, not Russian.

 

OP, do you honestly believe that Russian women are incapable of cheating?

 

A dear friend of mine practices family law in Moscow, and as such, handles many divorce cases. He can confirm you are sorely mistaken to think cheating and marriage breakdown aren't uncommon there too.

[Strekoza]

If you are speaking to me - where did I say I married him?

 

I didn't. This was an ex-boyfriend. I ended it after one year because I knew I couldn't deal with his anger issues and because I was no longer attracted to him. I deserved better, and I found better.

 

There is no reason a woman - or man - should stay with a partner who is mistreating them, particularly when they are not married and have no children. What a waste of time. This has nothing to do with nationality. Your ex herself is evidence of that, given that she isn't American either. So you argument is baseless and wishful thinking on your part.

 

Accountability would go a long way here, OP. In the end, your way of approaching relationships evidently isn't working. You can keep doing the same things and expecting different results (which you are unlikely to get) or you can take some responsibility and reflect and make positive changes.

 

But I do question why you haven't relocated to Russia? You seem to imagine it as a place filled with women who are better-suited to you. What is holding you back from taking steps to move? Have you thought about looking for work there? I know more than one person who has successfully relocated there and other FSU nations. You have a very obvious distaste for American women, so it seems pointless for you to try to date any.

 

I actually would love to relocate there, but it's tough to get a decent job in this economy as well as me not being a citizen. I go to visit multiple times every year and cry every time I come back here, lol.

I've tried dating all kinds of different women and am realizing that Russians are the only ones capable of understanding me, giving me the love I truly deserve and relating to me in ways no one else can. With American women we come to disagreements on the first date already and eventually I just end up avoiding them and ignoring their calls afterwards.

[Strekoza]

OP, do you honestly believe that Russian women are incapable of cheating?

 

A dear friend of mine practices family law in Moscow, and as such, handles many divorce cases. He can confirm you are sorely mistaken to think cheating and marriage breakdown aren't uncommon there too.

 

In not saying it's impossible, but for me they are much more real. Cheating is very common over there, but 9/10 times it's the man who cheats and a lot of women there that I've talked to refer to a man cheating as the norm.